Parents..How would you feel if you caught your kids drinking/smoking pot (serious)

Parent Cafe
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<p>I made another thread similar but it got deleted in the high school section and most people freaked out at me.</p>

<p>Basically my friend’s dad caught my friends and I smoking marijuana in a car. Some cops drove by us so we stormed out the car and ran to the house. Screwing around for a bit, his dad locked us out the house briefly and let us back in. Upon return, we came in and he told us some story and how we should stay inside the house and not in the street. He said he wouldn’t tell our parents. He basically just told us to stay inside and finish our beer up. We joked around about things and he let us off the hook luckily. </p>

<p>What would you parents have done? We are all 17-18 yrs old if that makes a difference.</p>

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<p>After I killed him, I’d think about forgiveness.</p>

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<p>well, I would be mad about the drinking in a car…a few beers and some pot, eh, not that unusual or scary to me…it would all depend on how the rest of your life was going…I would have taken away the beer and the car keys…</p>

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<p>To clear it up, we did not drink at all in the car. Only smoked.</p>

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<p>I do not know about me, but my H would have called the cops. Yep, he is tough. Beer is bad, pot is totally stupid, and you guys had both?</p>

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<p>Honestly, I can’t control what other kids do, but have say over my own household.</p>

<p>So I’d have sent everyone home, let nobody inside, told my kid the party was over and instruct him to disappear into his bedroom. </p>

<p>The next day, I’d triple his chore load, then tell him to pass the word that none of these particular friends are welcome near my house, ever again.</p>

<p>It’s my house and I care more about my family’s longterm reputation in the community than I care about any of my son’s friends, whom I assume are temporary. </p>

<p>You asked for an honest answer. </p>

<p>My life is too busy to deal with the fallout from all the parents who’d try to blame me for their kids’ choices. I’m so not interested in that. I have a life.</p>

<p>I don’t think pot is so bad, but I think breaking the law has terrible consequences. So even if a particular law is dumb, I respect The Law. If a law was wrong (as in, segregation laws in the Jim Crow South) I’d break them, but pot laws are marginally justifiable. So until it’s all sorted out, I don’t want illegal things happening in my home.</p>

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<p>I’d be disappointed in my kids for being so stupid as to engage in illegal activity in a car, which is essentially a public place. You could have easily been arrested by the cops who drove by.</p>

<p>I probably would have not reported you to your parents, but would not have allowed you to drink alcohol in my house (I don’t want to be arrested, either!) or let you drive home while under the influence.</p>

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<p>I respect that answer paying3tuitions. I was very surprised that we didn’t get in any trouble and that my friend’s dad was so calm and joking about it whole thing. I guess he could relate? I don’t know but it I wouldn’t have been surprised if we wouldn’t have been welcomed back.</p>

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<p>That dad felt more protective of you and treated you as if you were his own, in that he didn’t throw you up to the laws by calling the police. I think the difference is he cared about you more than I would have at that moment to bring you inside the house.</p>

<p>You were incredibly lucky that he had that relaxed attitude. </p>

<p>He’s a cool dad; I’m not such a cool Mom. You never know who you’ll get. I also wouldn’t have called the police on you as long as you left when I asked. So I’m not totally uncool, just sort of.</p>

<p>I don’t feel responsible over you, either way-- not to protect you, but also not to have you arrested. It would have wrecked you.</p>

<p>Yeesh. You have a lot to think about. Good luck.</p>

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<p>rutgers, you lucked out that the dad was cool about it. Keep in mind that many parents were in your exact situation some 20-30 years ago, but their parents were not so cool, and they probably swore to themselves that whenever they had kids, they’d remember what it was like to be a teen, and not treat their kids the way they got treated by their parents.</p>

<p>Fact is, all those 60s-era hippies and 70s-era stoner freaks are now parents, some of them on this forum. Most probably won’t admit it, so if you encounter one who lets you off easy, be thankful.</p>

<p>At the same time, even though these parents might not think that getting high is all that bad, it IS still illegal, and they COULD get in a s***load of trouble for protecting you. So, while appreciating what the dad did, I would encourage you to do some serious soul-searching about the awkward position you inadvertently put him in. Is that fair to him?</p>

<p>Part of growing up is learning to accept responsibility for your actions. While many of these parents got high as teens, and may still fiercely defend the contention that it’s the lesser of the evils and therefore really shouldn’t be illegal at all, at the present time it IS still illegal, and if you are going to do it, you need to think about the possible repercussions, should you ever get caught. Parents who help teens do illegal stuff could get in worse trouble than the teens themselves, if I’m not mistaken.</p>

<p>Now, if you were actually driving after drinking or getting high, that is another matter entirely. I would have absolutely NO sympathy for such irresponsible actions, for the simple reason that driving while drunk or high endangers OTHERS. THAT would trigger much harsher consequences.</p>

<p>PS I find it curious that this thread is surviving in the parents’ forum but got deleted in the kids’ forum. Why’d they freak on you and why’d it get deleted?</p>

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<p>To the parents who said you’d call the cops…are you serious? You’d call the cops on your kids?</p>

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<p>Not a cool mom here. I’d let the group in the house but I would not condone the pot — I hate smoking even if it’s tobacco — and there’s no way you’d be finishing up your beer. You’d be wondering how to explain yourself to your parents, because if I knew them, I would tell them what happened and let them deal with you. At 17, 18 you’re not out on your own yet and I figure your parents deserve the right to have one more shot at exerting some influence (okay, discipline) before you go out into the world, where if you get caught, it’s the court system that will do that instead. </p>

<p>If this were my younger teen, a 15 or 16 year old, there’s a good chance you would be on your way to a boarding school very soon.</p>

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<p>jazzymom and others, the OP has indicated that he and friends were smoking ONLY. citygirlsmom brought up the beer, not the OP.
.
My concern is that if you are smoking in a car that someone is driving the car after smoking. That is just as bad as drinking and driving. There should be a designated driver whatever your poison.
.</p>

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<p>

I think its very naive to believe that kids at most boarding schools don’t have access to & use pot & other illicit drugs.</p>

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<p>Nope, avoidingwork, the OP stated:</p>

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<p>I probably would not have turned anyone over to the police, but I certainly WOULD have let the other’s parents know what had happened. And I would have been beyond furious. I grew up with a parent who was an alcoholic and it wrecked my childhood. I am NOT opposed to responsible drinking (not driving, NOT by high-school children), but am opposed to use of illegal substances and stupid choices while drinking. It’s the law that you are breaking and your life will be affected by that for a very long time if you are caught.</p>

<p>Personally, I do not agree that you guys were all that “lucky” that this dad was so “easy” on you. In all probability, the consequences for getting caught in a situation like this will be more grave in the future. I hope you somehow absorb that lesson and not the one that would indicate that you can do this type of thing with impunity.</p>

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<p>First, I’d have about died from the shock. My d (like her older sisters before her) has told me that she won’t drink/smoke pot while she’s living in my home, and I believe her. Next, I’d have been so furious that, when my kids are talking about good old Mom after I’m gone, they’d agree that they’d never seen me angrier. I’d be crying, too - lots. </p>

<p>During this emotional maelstrom, I think any borderline intelligent kid not related to me would make a hasty exit, preferring a chance encounter with a cop to the crazy lady yelling her head off. My own kid would lose driving privileges/going out privileges for a long time. But the worst thing, as my older kids have told me, would be talking to me about it after I calmed down. I’m firmly with p3t above - we don’t break the law in this house, and we don’t do avoidable damnfool illegal stuff that could have a lasting effect on our futures - or we don’t do it with Mom’s tacit consent, anyway.</p>

<p>Btw, I grew up during the stoner 70s referred to above and actually didn’t get stoned. Not everyone of a certain age did, believe it or not. (I support the legalization of marijuana anyway.) And I believe I’d be “cooler” about sexual issues, since sex isn’t illegal. Pregnant? I’d be heartbroken for a bit, but I’d like to think the first thing I’d do is give my d a hug. Gay? Just give me about 5 minutes to wrap my brain around the idea.</p>

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<p>I would not have turned you over to the police, but the beer would have been drained, and you would have been subject to quite an intense sermon about legal consequences (including, can you say “forfeiture of the car?”), and I would have called your parents. Some consequences are not worth risking. Hopefully it was a wake-up warning, and you are all a bit wiser, but I fear that your friend’s dad’s rather adolescent (i.e., non-adult) reaction will not have served to encourage more mature behavior. Do better, please. Lorelei</p>

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<p>What alot of high school students are unaware of is that a drug offense on your record is going to screw you from receiving any federal financial aid for x number of years from date of offense. It’s all on the FAFSA site.</p>

<p>Yes, kids experiment, do stoopid things. Some get caught, some don’t. Some drink, drive and kill people. Some don’t. </p>

<p>Consequences, kids… you need to weigh them as responsible adults, particularly if you expect to be treated by your parents in that light.</p>

<p>My measures would have been far more draconian, both for my own kid if involved and I would have most probably notified the parents, in particular the parents of the kid with the vehicle. There is far too much at stake here if a vehicle is involved, period.</p>

<p>My $.02.</p>

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<p>To the OP: The “cool” dad is not so cool in my opinion. His joking around made your behavior seem okay. Maybe he never grew up himself. My friend (in his forties) just kicked her husband out of the house because he wouldn’t stop smoking pot. She didn’t want her two young teenaged sons influenced by this behavior. They are heart broken that their dad picked drugs over them. So this isn’t just an issue for kids.</p>

<p>As a college professor I see a lot of behavior that is self-destructive and deal with it without calling parents, so I probably wouldn’t call parents because it wouldn’t be my reflex, though maybe I would.</p>

<p>I would not call the cops either. The fall out would be out of proportion to the “crime”. Besides, I would have to give statements etc. And I wouldn’t want to be dealing with this either.</p>

<p>Yes, I’d have you guys in the house. Beer down the toilet bowl. Any remaining joints, down the toilet bowl. You’d all have to watch your “stash” be flushed away.</p>

<p>I am from the late sixties. Been around a fair share of drugs in my day. Probably against them for more than knee jerk reasons. My H really messed his life up with daily marijuana smoking. He hasn’t done any drugs for twenty-five years, but I think his has some memory or cognitive impairment, not that he isn’t still brilliant. I can’t explain it; it’s just a feeling. My brother too.</p>

<p>Fortunately, for me I hated the “head” of marijuana so I didn’t get stoned much.</p>

<p>You guys would drink a glass of water instead of the proverbial cup of coffee and then have to listen to me give you a lecture. Since I teach eighteen year olds and am well trained in this lecture (give it all the time) I would know just what to say.</p>

<p>Then I would have you call your parents to pick you up (except for the car owner) because I wouldn’t want to send a group of teens back into the car together after pot smoking and drinking.</p>

<p>violadad and others who point out what is at stake are right on. Hurting yourselves or others is a REAL possibility and destroying your future with a drug arrest is too, at least in our state.</p>

<p>I would not use draconian measures because I don’t think punishment works. I don’t thing you guys would be coming back to my house because my lecture would probably be annoying to you.</p>

<p>I think the dad who chuckled was as inappropriate for his age as you guys. The consequences of drugs or alcohol in a car and then driving as NOT funny at all or cute. Indulgence is not the right response.</p>

<p>Edit: If the kids were fifteen or sixteen I would tell parents. Seventeen and eighteen year olds? Probably not my approach.</p>

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<p>I always said—and meant it—that, as a parent, I would want to know if my high school-aged kid had been invovled with marijuana/alcohol use. Also asked my friends to give me a call if they saw my kids driving unsafely. We have that understanding in our social circle and the kids know that “Joe’s” mom will call me. Somehow, I just don’t like the idea of others knowing something like that about my kid and not telling me. I received a few calls and made a few calls during the high school years. Receiving them is no fun, but making them was worse! It’s a good person who will care enough to give the unaware parent a call! “It Takes a Village” comes to mind. Now that my kids are away at college, I breathe a bit easier about such things. The decisions they make are their own–my influence is much more limited now that they are away from home, but they know they are responsible if they do something stupid. </p>

<p>Kids will be kids, to some extent, but they should be responsible for the consequences–whether the consequences come from mom/dad, school, or police/courts. We were fortunate to have attended a school that enforced consequences by limiting extracurricular activities for alcohol/drug use 24/7–which helped me enforce rules at home. Luckily, I can honestly say they got off to college fairly unscathed because of this joint effort.</p>