I just received DS’ first response - waitlisted at a very competitive day school. It is not a rejection but it feels like one and I haven’t been able to eat or focus since receiving the letter today. DS is at school and doesn’t know yet. I don’t think I have the requisite grit and resilience - I now fear M10 even more. Anyone have any recommendations for books addressing parents who need to develop grit and resilience too? I know that all things happen for a reason and so often, when I look back at other “rejections” and “losses” they have been for the better. But in this moment, the news is still so hard to take …
Sorry about that.
I bet it will bother you more than them, they may even cheer you up when you see their reaction. As adults we envision an entire life associated with a given path. Kids tend not to think decades ahead the way we might.
Remind yourself that you have a great kid. Anyone applying to these competitive schools has already demonstrated they have what it takes, however they get there. That’s really true, you know, not Pollyanna pandering.
Thank you, 6teenSearch. you’re right. i need to shake it off too. i really don’t have much grit and resilience and that’s probably why he does (he tries to comfort me). it is not the end of the world and it’s not an indication of other results to come - maybe this is the one waitlist, and there will be one rejection followed by one acceptance … wishful thinking (smile). Really though, if anyone has any good reads they can recommend … let me know.
@CLNMOM , I totally feel for you. We all want the best for our kids and want to protect them disappointment. (And we also know that they’re the bee’s knees!) No book ideas on grit, but Excellent Sheep makes a really great case for avoiding a path of highly selective schools, colleges, jobs… You may not choose to do that, but you’ll have a little more perspective on what you’re doing if you read it. Just food for thought.
As for right now, even though you’re not feeling neutral about it, if you can handle it like you were a counselor rather than a mom, it might be helpful to your son. You can ask how he feels about it (maybe he’s not bummed, maybe he didn’t like the school but wants to go there because they “challenged” him, maybe he’s also panicky about what it means for M10), talk about what the WL means and whether he wants to reach out and tell them he really wants this (or maybe he doesn’t!), that while it’d have been nice to have an acceptance at this point, it doesn’t mean that M10 will be filled with bad news. You can even use it to talk about strategy – if you were doing it again (and you will, btw, in 4 years), would having a “safety” that you hear from early be helpful? Really, nothing takes the sting out of it, but if he (and you) can use this as a chance to learn about himself, that’s a pretty good silver lining. The best thing you can do is listen and take your cues from him. He may have the grit you’re looking for!
Regardless of your feelings right now, your job is to set the right tone for your son. Our children are hardwired to pick up on our reactions, so it is imperative that you not give off any vibe that your child could misinterpret. You need to be there for your son and be sensitive to how HE reacts to this news. Your feelings are valid but not very relevant right now.
If you want something to read, pick up Taylor’s Gift or Brothers Forever: The Enduring Bond between a Marine and a Navy Seal that Transcended their Ultimate Sacrifice to put into perspective just how unimportant BS admissions/rejections/waitlists are in a world full of bigger issues. BS admissions is a first world problem if ever there was one. It’s only high school.
One of the deepest bits of wisdom was shared by an applicant last round who is the poster child for wait lists and rejections:
There’s always a solution… it may look different than we expected but… it will work out. In the mean time… ice cream, movies and get outside 
CLNMOM: I totally agree with ChoatieMom, and-- I also know how you feel. My D’s first letter waitlisted her at the school we actually thought of as her “safety”… it was jarring.
A very kind friend (who is Headmaster at a well regarded prep school) gifted me with a great book. He had clearly picked up on my anxiety as we began the application cycle. Here is the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Your-Children-Well-Envelopes/dp/0062196847
Nothing is more important than your kid’s positive self-image. Take great care that he does not mistake your disappointment in that waitlist letter, for disappointment in HIM.
Hang in there! Better news is likely just around the corner. In any case, you both will be fine. Best of luck!
Thank you all for your replies. I will check out those books. ChoatieMom, great quote from that applicant - thanks for sharing.
There is a book I love called “The Blessing of a B-” It may not go over well among everyone here, but it is about parenting and gave me a new perspective. It has some references to Jewish texts but is broadly applicable, to people of all backgrounds.
Another great book is “How to Raise an Adult”. It’s main premise is about over-parenting and how harmful that can be not only to your kid, but also to yourself. It’s really interesting, especially for those of us who grew up with parents who “under-parented” in the 70s
I think the under/over parenting is more a result of the number of children each generation had. We had 4 of us. My mother couldn’t over parent even if she wanted to. A single child household is easy to overparent.
I think if we are honest “over parenting” is not some sort of pathology or trend, it has an economic basis. The fact is, prior generations could earn a middle-class lifestyle without getting a college education, because there were relatively high paying manufacturing and union jobs available. Those jobs are gone. Parents are keenly aware of this. Yes, most of us really just do want our kids to be happy. But we are realists. We know it’s a little bit harder to be happy when you don’t have some of the middle class “trappings” that we are used to. I think for many of us we just want to make sure that our children can afford a family, a home, a car, annual vacation, college for their own kids.
I think it’s really hard to stand back and let the chips fall where they may, when the downside appears much greater than it was for prior generations.
There’s a way to ensure this?
We just told kiddo that college will be our last financial gift to him and he’s on his own after that. He can join a rock band, panhandle, or sell securities on Wall Street; it’s all the same to us. We never saw college as job training, just a way to enrich the life of his mind, but we certainly never thought we had any control over his future finances, what he could afford, or the life he would craft for himself. That’s all on him.
Extreme over-parenting can be of course harmful. But unlikely as portrayed in the media, those are far far rarer than extreme under-parenting that can also be harmful. I believe that, in the current decade, the vast majority of caring parents might do some over-parenting but with moderation and reasonable ways. IMO the real common problem is under parenting and not over.
Great book recommendation, @mass2020mom . A teacher suggested I read this when I was lamenting that it’d taken a while for DS for find his academic stride, suggesting that instead I should focus on what he’d learned in the process.
ChoatieMom, you sound like a very cool parent. SculptorDad, I hope I am over-parenting in moderation but how can I know if I am? My son seems very happy and well adjusted but definitely wants more independence now as a 13 year old. But I know he still needs me to be the parent and not his friend … but how do I know I am being reasonable? I struggle with this daily …
I should report that I broke the news to DS yesterday that he was waitlisted and he actually took it pretty hard for the first half hour … he went through a moment of helplessness … what could I have done better, he asked. He asked, is this how college admissions will be also? He has one dream school in mind. This was a great opportunity to say, there’s no one way to success and no one can take away his intellect, his gifts and his passion - a rejection or a waitlist decision can’t take that away from him. I stayed very positive and upbeat (thanks to all the great posters who reminded me yesterday) and he was okay as he was going to bed. But I know he was still thinking about it even after we said our goodnight. This morning, on the way to school, he seemed fine but I could tell the “life lessons” are starting to sink in …
@CLNMOM, just trust your logic and gut feeling at the moment. You may still make lots of small mistakes, which is part of just normal parenting.
“He asked, is this how college admissions will be also? He has one dream school in mind.”
I think its better to not have dream schools but to realize that there are many wonderful colleges out there and, as you say, “there’s no one way to success”.
I think over the days leading up to March 10th, it would be great for all families to have a special outing or special dinner to celebrate your children for undertaking this admission process - all the work involved and for putting themselves out there in such a competitive process. Regardless of the results on 3/10, that grit and drive are good skills to have and deserve acknowledgement away from acceptances and/or rejections.