Parents of the HS Class of 2009 (Part 1)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
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<p>Same issue here – Skype on the wireless was iffy. She’s now on the wired network, so we’re hoping it will be better. There are times when we have better luck with Google video chat.</p>

<p>Woke up this morning to hear the radio say that the fire had doubled (or tripled?) in size overnight; they pronounce it “out of control”; and are trying now to keep it from devouring Mt. Wilson – where there are many broadcast, utility, and even LAX air traffic control towers. We are not in danger; but others still are; and the devastation of natural areas is horrific. We’re pretty much hunkered down inside due to the smoke. At least we still have electricity.</p>

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<p>Zetesis, continuing to hope for the best for you, that you keep your power and other utilities and they figure some way to get this thing under control.</p>

<p>NorthMn, so sorry to hear about your daughter. Maybe once classes get going she won’t have the time or energy to be sad. </p>

<p>missypie, so sorry to hear about your son’s issues. Maybe he can try somelike like my D’s movie night. Someone brings a DVD, and everyone else watches (someone could bring popcorn too). Most kids brought a few DVD’s to campus and in many cases that’s enough to break the ice. He can ask the suitemates if they’d come or just do this in the shared area in the dorm.(I know this might be too out of character for him).</p>

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<p>H is having a harder time with this than I am. I miss D a lot, but feel that this is what we worked 18+ years for and am glad she seems so happy and excited.</p>

<p>Fallgirl, if your H wants another dad to talk to, feel free to have him PM me. What you describe is similar to our home. W is focusing on how happy are both our kids and feeling like we did a good job for the past 18+ years. My experience is a bit different than what others have expressed. We are so fortunate that both S18 and D16 have launched happily and well. In a perverse way, it makes it harder, as it drives home the point that they truly HAVE launched and really don’t need us - and never will, in the same way, again. I miss them both, certainly, but my fogginess stems from the realization that an era has passed and it is time for a redefinition of myself. I know intellectually that this transitional period is difficult for many and is normal. Knowing that and experiencing it are two different things! We did a first rate job helping our kids grow up, and a second-rate job preparing for what it would mean when they do. </p>

<p>So I’m taking baby steps. I called a friend I’ve biked with a bit in the past and asked if he would join me for a ride after work. That will take care of tonight. Tomorrow is another day.</p>

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<p>NorthMinnesota, how was your D in HS? Is it characteristic of her to do well at a game but not feel like celebrating?</p>

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<p>North. it is most defienatley the boy. That attitude would drive me nuts. She needs to “snap out of it”. I wouldn’t go to her next game. Not as punishment, just so I wouldn’t be a crutch.</p>

<p>missypie; when your son was invited out to the movies, he didn’t go cause he didn’t like the movie. You need to remind him that sometimes you end up doing something to be with the people, not to actually see the movie if you get my drift. If for instance, they say, lets go eat, and he says, I am not hungry yet. So after just two or three times asking, lots of people will just give up asking at all. Maybe send a box of cooikies and suggest he walk around asking if anyone wants one. </p>

<p>As for the girl who “had” to eat alone in the cafeteria. No one has to eat alone. You just go sit at a table with someone else. If they end up leaving after they eat, so be it. But most of the time, my D never made plans to go with someone to lunch, everyone’s schedule was to eratic. So she just looked to see who was still eating and asked if she could join them. 90% it was a yes and bit of chitchat followed.</p>

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<p>Yeah, I’ve told him all of that. Several times. And of course, I think that before classes even started, people had reached the “giving up after two or three times of asking” limit. So is that it? By the weekend before this past one, he felt like he’d “blown” it … Maybe he’s right…so by week 2 of classes he’s blown it and won’t have any friends in college? The natural inclination of someone with Asperger’s is to engage in behavior that is not socially rewarded. Hard to tell a kid to not be themselves and not do what comes naturally.</p>

<p>He’s never had a very full social life and has been fine with that. In high school, he was usually at work or at home on Saturday nights (except when the GF was home). It was fine with him. But what happens in college when you’re a natural home-body? You’re alone in a tiny room.</p>

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<p>missypie…though on the quiet side D2 is usually reserved but happy after games. She has always been well liked by teammates and others at school. Actually is known for her humor and kindness, always got voted in as a peer counselor in school or captain on her sports team. Her HS soccer coach said she was a quiet leader. Though quiet around adults she has always had a very full social life. I know girls want to be friends with her as they have approached us after games to introduce themselves and talked about coming over to her apartment.
She texted me this morning to thank me for the cards and mail I have been sending. I know she has anxiety about new situation but I am hoping she starts to realize what a great environment she is in. Have talked with many friends who have similar stories with their kids for different reasons (missing friends, bad roomies, missing b or g friend, etc). All said to stay strong and it will get better after Christmas break. Hope so! :slight_smile: I guess I just worry about her funk turning in to depression. :(</p>

<p>Missypie…does it bother him to be excluded? Would he be able to ask one of the roomies if he could have dinner with them? I do like the idea of sharing a care package of goodies to try and forge a new path for communication.</p>

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<p>There are probably a lot of girls who would like to be her… a freshman starter getting lots of play time… She’s probably a big freakin’ deal and doesn’t even realize it!</p>

<p>I really need to just talk to Son in person to figure out what’s going on with the suitemates. A freshman two weeks into school should not have to ask permission to eat with his suitemates. He actually has people in choir that he eats dinner with. Who knows what everyone’s lunch schedule is like. My guess is that the other three arrange a time and a place to meet and don’t include him in that…I bet they aren’t all three leaving the room together and excluding him. </p>

<p>I know that lots of people would just knock on the doors of those on the floor - or peek into any open doors - and call out “anybody want to eat”…but Son probably would prefer to sit a table with a book. I’ll have to ask him if anyone has ever just sat down with him when he’s been alone. I bet that he would just think the dining hall was crowded, that the person really didn’t want to meet him, and just keep reading his book. He might not even get that the person was trying to be friendly.</p>

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<p>Missypie, by no means does this rocky start mean your son will have no scial life at college. He made a couple of missteps, saying no after being asked. But he needs to remember, he was asked, and if he plays the social game, he will get asked again. </p>

<p>Tell him that most people are just as weirded out by the whole college thing as well. </p>

<p>[Going</a> Through College with Asperger Syndrome - College and Autism - College Asperger Syndrom](<a href=“http://autism.about.com/od/transitioncollegejobs/a/mjohnsontips.htm]Going”>Succeeding in College With Autism)</p>

<p>maybe if he read about some others who navigated through college with aspberghers, he will see that not all is hopeless and he just needs to find his nitch, and play the game. </p>

<p>Just remind him that everyone has their “demons”, some part of their lives, themselves, their family, something that they have to deal with and figure out. As suggested, he needs to step out- just be in the world, check out all the clubs he might like, go to the gym.</p>

<p>Talk to the food servers. Talk to the security guards. No chance of rejection, and just make a goal of asking how they are doing. No big conversations necessary, when others see your son being social in little simple ways, like asking a floormate if anyone has a bandaid. If your son asks questions like that, when there is no feer of rejection, he will open up connections and make contact. Remind him its not that he needs a bandaid or some tape, its just an excuse to talk. People do that all the time to start up conversations not just kids with Aspberghers. </p>

<p>He should make a list of questions to ask people and ask one a day to someone on his floor, someone in the cafeteria, like is the chicken any good.</p>

<p>I know its hard and even harder to not be sure how he is feeling, what he isn’t sharing and not to let your heart break. So all you can do is try and give him new tools and a game plan. Just remind him that at least he knows he is smart and is a great person, and that everyone plays the social game- and play acts at it all the time.</p>

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<p>Good thoughts. I’ve told him that he needs to accept every social invitation unless it is ilegal or would make him miss class…he hasn’t yet heeded my advice. He should have gone to that frat party that was the only game in town…once there, he would have found others who also thought it was lame (if, in fact, it was) and they could have plotted their escape to another venue.</p>

<p>It really did take him until second semester sophomore year to find his niche in high school…but he had us to come home to every night…a small house with a family of 5 was certainly never lonely. What do the slow to warm kids DO every weekend in college until they find a group of friends?</p>

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<p>Missypie - My heart goes out to you.</p>

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<p>oh Missypie - I bet you just can’t wait to see him next weekend. My heart is aching for you.
and congrats to all the other launchers - especially modadunn - pretty impressive!
On another note, my D has had a pretty good 1st week. Unfortunately, she remains quite ill. Woke up with pinkeye on top of the cough/sore throat! (I have a sneaking suspicion that she is now immune from H1N1.) Student health center closed so she spent all day Sunday going to and from walk-in clinic (10 miles away), pharmacy and dorm - all in a taxi by her lonesome - oh how I wish I could be there for her! I told her to ask a pre-med to put the drops in for her!</p>

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<p>Missypie, I’m pulling for your S. After reading all your post for the last year or however long it’s like I know you guys, and I do think he’s made a good college choice. I think your advice about accepting invitations is right on the money. Even though my D is pretty outgoing, I gave her pretty much the same suggestion. She would tell you otherwise, but she does tend to kind of form quick impressions about people in groups. But it has always paid off when she’s tried something new and she ended up with a very diverse assortment of people in her life (by diverse I don’t mean ethnically – that’s a given in our area which is very multi-cultural – I mean more like a mix of jocks, gamers, dancers, introverts, and any one who didn’t even fit into a category). But you don’t know who your friends might be. You might have to make the first move. Honestly, I have to give myself the same pep talk sometimes. It’s hard. But he knows he can count on his family and you’re not at the ends of the earth. When do you expect to see him in person next?</p>

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<p>And while sick…that’s a quick dose of independence, isn’t it? Poor thing! But when the next kid in the dorm gets sick, she’ll be there with advice and support.</p>

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<p>missypie, I know you know this, but am going to post it anyway: don’t buy into his black-and-white thinking. Let him know that there are many many opportunities to socialize and to build a social network throughout college – it’s not a one-time, make-it-or-break-it opportunity.</p>

<p>I have to talk my kid out of his black-and-white thinking sometimes, too. </p>

<p>I don’t know whether your son/his suitemates would find these things too silly, but things I’ve provided to my son in the past to get kids to approach him include:</p>

<p>[Hover</a> Disc Flying Disk Toy](<a href=“http://www.wackyplanet.com/ufohotoy.html]Hover”>http://www.wackyplanet.com/ufohotoy.html)</p>

<p>[Roomarang[/url</a>] – comes in four colors, so each suitemate could have his own!</p>

<p>[url=<a href=“http://www.officeplayground.com/hotrocketz.html]Hot”>http://www.officeplayground.com/hotrocketz.html]Hot</a> Rocketz](<a href=“http://www.officeplayground.com/roomarang1.html]Roomarang[/url”>http://www.officeplayground.com/roomarang1.html) – okay, these were for me, but all kids who saw them had fun with them, too, and by “kids,” I mean people from 9-52 years of age!</p>

<p>[Flashflight:</a> a light-up flying disc for day or night-time flying! Disc golf, ultimate, disc games at night, recreational disc catching, flying disc fun!](<a href=“http://www.flashflight.com/]Flashflight:”>http://www.flashflight.com/)</p>

<p>Brownies/cookies/other goodies (the night before spawn moved in, I found huge bags of candy at CVS on sale for, get this, 59 cents a bag! HUGE bags! I bought two, one for spawn, one for his friend, so they’d have something to offer others immediately.)</p>

<p>And other such things. </p>

<p>Your son will find his way; he has before, he will again!</p>

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<p>missy-Many kids are not out and about every weekend, some by choice. They watch movies or sports, play video games, listen to music or read. Those looking to interact can do these activities with their doors open and maybe someone will poke in their head. A part time job is another option. For some, the weekend may be the only time they can be “home” alone and they relish a little bit of space and solitude. It’s all about finding out what is comfortable for each individual. I don’t get the impression (although I may be wrong) that your S is truly miserable and homesick. This is a good sign, he is dealing with it. It may not be your ideal, but he’s managing.</p>

<p>It’s great that your S has found companions in choir, another positive. If he’s feeling lonely perhaps he can ask one of them to come hang out with him and watch a movie. Many of the early frienships formed out of convenience (like random suitemates) fade in time. True friendships are often found with kids in common activities, like choir or classes, that develop over time. Community service groups are also usually very welcoming and often have weekend activities. </p>

<p>Try not to worry or let him feel your anxiety, it might feel like pressure to him. It really is not uncommon for some kids, even those without social challenges, to take a semester or two or more, to find their niche. The key is to help him be aware and recognize opportunities and know that it is ok to attend events alone, he might just meet someone there. If he calls on a weekend night, try to resist the urge to ask where everyone else is and rather talk about a book you read that he might like, current events, anything but why he is alone. He found his way in hs, he will find his way in college. Remember, it’s not a race and he just needs more time.</p>

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<p>Missypie, I feel for you and your son.
Would he feel comfortable suggesting pizza or coffee after choir to one or two people after practice? Or to invite someone for a bite to eat before the next choir practice? </p>

<p>If you do end up speaking to the RA, could she perhaps have him canvass the floor for pizza preferences before ordering in for the next floor meeting? or some similar social but not embarrassingly obvious task that would give him one-on-one exposure to his floor mates?</p>

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<p>Missypie, I have no wisdom or experience to impart, but I suspect that there will be other chances, although it may take real effort (and maybe the toys) to change the course of the year. Glad to hear that Zetesis is out of longer in harm’s way for the moment (here’s my wish that the winds don’t shift in the wrong direction).</p>

<p>We have returned from dropping ShawbridgeSon off at college. One of our friends, a psychiatrist on the Harvard Medical School faculty told us about how he had gotten depressed when his son went off to college last year and that I would, given my close relationship with my son. Well, I was skeptical and I’m not (at least not yet). No tears from ShawbridgeWife either (really stunning as she cried when he went off to pre-school, kindergarten, 1st grade, …) – it really feels to us like such a good place for him. At the Ivy that I attended, you felt like you were among the anointed but it was a relatively competitive atmosphere (I loved it, but it was tough). This felt like he was also joining anointed but it was a supportive rather than tough environment.</p>

<p>He had been anxious and hadn’t slept well for a few nights before we left. He said he slept OK last night (his first night at college). Roommate seems just fine. I wouldn’t bet they’d be best friends for life – though stranger friendships have happened – but roommate exceeded my expectations given his bio. Based upon what I could see, he’s a determined, disciplined kid and seems flexible and respectful though he’s bonded already with his athletic team and will be less around for ShawbridgeSon.</p>

<p>ShawbridgeSon played Ultimate Frisbee all afternoon and went to the school party last night – and was saying hello to kids today (didn’t remember any names) and kids were saying hello to him. He’s a kid who likes a limited number of deep friendships, but he took this as a challenge and decided to put himself out there and you could hear him and the other boys making the requisite male grunts at each other. He was going off to his advisor – whom everyone told him he was lucky to have – with an idea of what he wanted to take but with questions. All good. Anxiety still there but going down. </p>

<p>We were unsure why we needed to stay the night as all was well and our son was quite happy to see us go (and would have been happy to see us go the night before, I think). There were clearly parents who were going to have trouble letting go – they seemed to want to continue to micromanage and were anxious about what college life would bring. Since I’m very familiar with universities and didn’t micromanage, those were not our issues. Our son’s issues are dyslexia (which I think he will be able to manage with judicious course selection), a sleep disorder (which is much improved from surgery) and anxiety which is rational (it is a new setup for him, the academic intensity will be higher, he’s never lived away from his parents for longer than 2 weeks, his support setup for dyslexia will have to change, he’s got to make friends with a whole bunch of new kids, he’ll probably be paying attention to girls for the first time, he still has a sleep disorder). At breakfast at our hotel, we talked to a woman who has a son with OCD, incredibly painful shyness, and other issues who mentioned suicide the night before. Very complex stuff. And we might a delightful couple whose son had had serious surgery in the last month and was still on percoset. Wow. By comparison, we feel really fortunate that things have broken the way they have.</p>

<p>I know that there will be bumps on the road but this felt good. The proof of the pudding is in the eating, but at least the smell pf the pudding is pretty good. We’ll see.</p>

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<p>I move in 12 hours! Dad is crabby and mom says she feels really strange but isn’t very outwardly emotional yet. I think my parents are too high strung for anyone to be anything but crabby tomorrow, but I’ll see my mom next week and I imagine it’ll be more pleasant then. My aunt and one of my grandmothers are coming tomorrow to lend their big cars and to see where I am living. What’s funny is the grandma that isn’t coming, the one I only see once or twice a year, seems to be the only one freaking out about the move.</p>

<p>I am too busy to think about it, myself. My parents put off all the shopping and everything to the very last minute (8pm and I just got home from the store) so I have ALL my packing to do tonight. While it’s all still in shopping bags from the store it looks like I bought way too much stuff, at least a quarter of the living room is filled with shopping bags and I haven’t even brought my clothes down yet. I am hoping once it’s sorted so there aren’t just a few things per bag it’ll look like less. I’ve got a big room but I don’t want my roommate to get there and think I’m nuts. XD</p>