<p>FallGirl, we attended family weekend last year, but the timing definitely won’t work for us this year. Have fun! Is your S still thinking about transferring? We ate several meals in the dining hall - the price was right and the area restaurants were crowded.</p>
<p>Been going thru stuff like crazy. We moved five years ago (in town, but into a smaller place) but we still have so much stuff!</p>
<p>Looking to maybe get out of the northeast in late Feb. I was thinking of Key West. Any thoughts? Or some place in Texas - we have friends in Texas. Thoughts? Anyone been to Key West? Looking for relaxing and warm weather.</p>
<p>C_Q, we’ll have to catch up another time. Maybe in NYC? I am liking both the menus and the prices of the cafeteria, so we will likely be taking several meals there although we will be heading to Portland Sat night for dinner. I don’t know what his plans are now, he’s very busy, getting involved in a lot of activities, seems to have friends…who knows? I</p>
<p>RM - My H also comes from a family that is very do-it-yourself. I have to thank H’s sisters for hiring cleaning help before I did, so they paved the way. Just take care of yourself, you have had so much stress lately.</p>
<p>well all done, MIL funeral was today. I felt sad too, because I know its the end as the family as I know them. BIL basically told me he feels no obligation to come to things if he doesn’t feel like it. My H had called this years ago. H and I are fixers and I feel like I gave the good fight but it didn’t work. My SIL was out of control and some hurtful things happened that I just find it hard to reconcile. always tired of being the bigger person. I did tell H that I no longer feel like I need to keep the peace as now no MIL to protect. its so sad. </p>
<p>So sorry, DTE. Glad you were able to protect your MIL during her lifetime.</p>
<p>FG, glad your S is getting involved and I hope you have a great visit. If they serve the Hungarian Mushroom Soup while you are there I highly recommend it. And I’m definitely up for meeting people in NYC. Seems strange to talk about meeting people in NYC because I haven’t even been out there yet. Last time I was there I was pregnant with S who turns 21 next month.</p>
<p>FG–Do you mean Portland, OR or Maine??
DT–many thoughts with you. I know that you have given your H’s family so much over the years. Whatever you do in the future will hopefully be without guilt.
That said, as I posted a few days ago, changing family dynamics does not always feel good. Often a relief but still change is stressful. </p>
<p>Oregon I was thinking the same thing. But the new normal after 30 years, may be good. but yes stressful. </p>
<p>DTE, now that there is no glue from MIL, it is often better to leave toxic people alone. [Though there will be estate stuff].</p>
<p>People do change, but rarely. I saw my sister, BIL, niece and mother this weekend. My sister was self-absorbed, neurotic, obsessive for the first 50 or so years of her life. She was never a bad person, but engaging with her was always about her worrying/obsessing that she wouldn’t get what she needed. Somewhere around 50, she began taking dance classes from a very Zen-like or deep instructor and the experience somehow changed her. Now her gaze is turned outward. She is noticeably appreciative of nice things that people do for her. I don’t think anyone in my family every thanked me for the things I have done for them (lots of small stuff but some big stuff like organizing and managing my parents’ finances, taking over their finances completely for a two-year period when both were in hospitals including managing all of the health care insurance issues when they had stroke, cancer, Guillane-Barre, tutoring my younger sister in math and statistics while I was sleeping 3 hours a night in my first year as a professor, unskipping a grade so I wouldn’t be in the same grade as my older sister, giving my first car to my sister, …). [Then again, I don’t think I’ve thanked my mother (or father) for all of the things she has done for me over the years]. Anyway, I took them out to brunch and not only did my sister thank me but when her H returned from the restroom, she pointedly told him (I guess he was supposed to thank me, not sure he did, and I don’t think my mother did). In short, my sister really changed fundamentally. That kind of fundamental change seems very rare to me. Both my sisters became mensches, though one much earlier than the other.</p>
<p>I also had another interesting realization. When my mother got out of the car and started walking, ShawWife tried to compliment her by saying that she was walking really well. She is terrific for 90 and goes to the gym 4-5 times a week, but recently had a fall due to fluctuating blood pressure. She’s completely mentally alert, is a very impressive woman, and is only now resigning from non-profit boards on which she has served for many years / decades. Well, she turned to ShawWife and said rather harshly, “Why wouldn’t I be walking well?” Oh well. Reflecting on the time I spent with them over the weekend, I realized that I couldn’t think of a time when I was happy being a child in my family. I actually can’t recall happy moments in childhood, though there must have been some. It wasn’t a place to be happy. I am grateful that I learned how to enjoy my life (andI do) and I hope (and believe) that my kids will not find it hard to recall being happy as kids. ShawWife may deserve a lot of credit. [Have to remember to thank her].</p>
<p>Shaw, I want you to know that I appreciate your post and that it touched me. I have a handful of happy memories but mainly my memories are of anxiety. I never knew that anyone but myself and one other sister would keep the family going. Not financially, though there was not much. but the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the younger kids and so on. Certainly on my own at age 18. My mother knew enough to help me get scholarships but did not even think to have me travel home for my little brother’s graduations ( I raised him).
I am sorry that your mother spoke to your wife in that tone. So ungrateful and so not who I wish to be. Though, that said, I also do not want to live to 90.
I, also, hope that I have not passed on the misery to my kids. H has rarely reflected on his childhood and unhappiness as a child at all. He now is beginning to face some things, such as being send away at 15 and not seeing his family for 2 years–that they could do that in the name of medical missionary work and then in the name of not thinking about this shy and anxious young person. He evolved with a very little voice in life, though successful in his career.
It is all so complicated looking back. Perhaps that is just to be human. Poor H has a spouse who is unwilling to let him have a life unexamined–although that is just how his entire family lives their successful (?) lives.
What I know about myself is that while sometimes think that I am a mess I do have many who seek out
my comapany and even seek my knowledge. I do try to remember this compliment. I also know and teach that mature people have had obstacles to overcome and mistakes made.</p>
<p>missypie – I might have missed this – are you heading out of town for six months or is the company local, though you’ll be in their offices?</p>
<p>dte, sorry to hear about your MIL, but glad her struggle is over. You did your best.</p>
<p>Oregon101 - if I may speak for FG, Maine. I am heading to the one in Oregon on Sunday for training for my new job.</p>
<p>When my S returned to college in early September, we both flew to Portland that day - he flew east and I flew west for my interview.</p>
<p>If I ever get to the (west) Portland, I’ll let you know, oregon.</p>
<p>Hugs, dte. So unfortunate that people just will not treat their family members right, there is a situation in my own extended family. It does not turn out well. Shaw I really loved your post and am thinking about the showing gratitude part. </p>
<p>Thank you so much, yesterday was my bad day, I could not even look at people as I left the church. I was so sad for
so many reasons. I am completely exhausted by all the “energy” that I have been around. I soak up the feelings around me, and I am done. People can do what they want now. I don’t know how people cant recognize they cant handle their emotions and get help for it. I laugh because people think I am the crazy one, for acknowledging they exist, I am too sensitive. I also thing perhaps as a child I was, but I have learned how to manage this and it is a useful gift that I have learned to appreciate. I have worked very hard at this.
Thanks Shaw, it was a very helpful, post that I knew took time and thought. You have a gift for understanding and saying the right thing. I don’t think our children will see us the same way. often times I look at it as generational, for want of a better reason as to why the “feel” of our childhood’s generation was so different.
My SIL is still calling , wondering why this one gets treats her a certain way, or that one. I simply cant go there, she needs to figure this out for herself my backseat psychotherapy practice is closed. Sorry to the real ones here. </p>
<p>Hugs DTE!</p>
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<p>Ditto ditto ditto, Shaw! </p>
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<p>Great statement, DTE. Many hugs. Take care of yourself, take care of your H (if needed) and don’t try too hard on the rest of the family.</p>
<p>It was very nice to see my cousin. I could spend time with her. (Her H on the other hand, is close to intolerable.) The funniest point came when we both said we had unfriended the same aunt on Facebook, each of us having unfriended no one else.</p>
<p>I had a wonderful text from younger D yesterday: “I am thinking of reintroducing meat into my diet.” YAY!!! She will be so much healthier with adequate protein. (I have no problem at all with vegetarianism. I’m not a huge meat eater myself. But getting enough protein takes a lot more effort and care than D was ever willing to put into it.)</p>
<p>Another wonderful thing that is happening with younger D: Because she is registered with the disabilities office, she gets priority registration for classes. Not just before other freshmen, but near the front of the whole liine!</p>
<p>The off-site location will cut my commute by about 2/3! I confess that the location is one reason I was asked. I wasn’t the firm’s first choice, but others who live on the opposite end of the metropolitan area didn’t want to increase their commute. So I was given the opportunity and I hope it leads to great things. I will post the name of the company on the FB page.</p>
<p>cq–bring your rain gear. We are in the thick of fall rains. I hope you are staying somewhere interesting and not just an airport hotel. If you have time for a meet up let me know. </p>
<p>I had something really nice happen at work today. First thing this morning I had an email from a manager of another department congratulating me on my work anniversary (six years yesterday). She went on to tell me how I was helpful and competent and such a great addition to the company.
I have come to realize that I am not creative or innovative, not terribly tech savvy, not a traditional leader and certainly not the smartest person in the place. But I am really really good at training people as well as using some contacts and knowledge to help people get things done. That’s what I do.</p>
<p>Oh, FallGirl, that is such a gift!</p>
<p>FallGirl, that is wonderful! What a nice email to receive. It’s great when we figure out our strengths and how we can contribute. And even nicer when others recognize them too!</p>
<p>Awesome email, Fall Girl. Happy work anniversary!</p>
<p>Shaw, thanks for sharing your observations about early life. Considering the wonderful life you’ve created for yourself, it kinda inspires me to relax a bit when stewing about the early challenges mcson faced as a result of belonging to yours truly in tumultuous times 
(you know, 'Suck it up, mcson, and be like Shaw – just kidding…sorta…</p>
<p>Missy, I know that “meat-eating” excitement…mcson had experimented with being vegetarian while living with his gf, but eventually discovered his brain doesn’t work right without protein, I think. So the tables turned and SHE asked me for a STEAK last time she was here don’t get me wrong…I’m sure there are ways to achieve optimal nutrition without meat…but young, busy people don’t always have the time on their hands to make that happen! So I secretly went “woohoo” when I saw them both eating meat again.</p>
<p>DTE, I give you formal permission to fire any outlaws you choose from your life 
I realize its not mine to give…but it can be lonely making those decisions solo so I’m just throwing in my support :)</p>