kmc…I was just sitting at the hospital yesterday with my friend’s mother who was making an EOL decision about her pulmonary fibrosis. She is going in to hospice care at her assisted living apartment. She is 83 and a very lovely woman. I can’t imagine how your mom will cope with breathing treatments, showering and lifting. Sending prayers your way!
Oh, goodness, kmc. Why doesn’t he want palliative care or hospice? Does he think he’s going to get better? I’m glad the head nurse is going to make an interim move. I can’t imagine going straight from the ICU to home.
So sorry to hear about your mother and her boyfriend’s situation. Hoping and praying for the best possible under the circumstances.
Terrible situation. Fingers crossed that a new set of choices will be made very soon.
kmc, I am going to be angry at your Mom’s BF on behalf of you and your mother and everyone who loves both of you. i I know that it’s difficult to be angry at someone who is facing death so I’ll do it for you. My mom hates to have “others” around, and I can so see her saying something like that, leaving a huge burden on family members. We just all need to remember the feeling so that when we are gravely ill and don’t want paid strangers to care for us. we will make decisions that are compassionate to our loved ones.
It’s already Thursday of the one week I have off between jobs. Such a range of emotions. As predicted, I’ve barely scratched the surface of the projects I wanted to accomplish at home. Too many hours sucked up by technology (uploading, downloading, switching, onboarding) and too few hours by the pool.
H and I did go to a matinee of Florence Foster Jenkins. Due to the time of the movie and the subject matter, the crowd was beyond geriatric.
I have also realized that I’m just never going to be one who enjoys working out in the morning. Can’t wake up without a shower and ridiculous to shower before working out. But I could get used to an hour of yard work followed by an hour in the pool.
kmc, I know what missypie is saying. It puts your mother in a terrible position. I went through this with my mother and sister (who lived together). They did not want paid help in the home initially so I became an unpaid person, coming from out of town, for weeks at a time when my elderly mother stated having one medical crisis after another in her 80’s. I finally put my foot down and started calling caregivers myself . For the last two years (of about 5 years total of decline), they finally did have some help. And we had hospice at the end. But hospice really doesn’t provide 24/7 care in the home so some additional help is still needed. It is tough. What are the objections to having palliative care, hospice, care in general? This sounds like a great strain on your mother during the day. My mom was less than 100 pounds when she died but in the last few weeks, it still took two of us to lift her in any way. She was dead weight. We kept her at home but it was extremely stressful. Best of luck to your family.
My dad expects us to care for him at home til the end. No paid providers, no assisted living. His mom and sister did it for their spouses, and Dad did it for my mom, her sister and his MIL. It’s incredibly selfish, IMO.
My mom didn’t like my dad (a retired nurse) treating her like a patient. Yes, she was home, but Dad and my sister had to tend to her every need since she was totally bedridden.
My sister who lives nearby works FT and her family needs her income. Other sibs are 4-10 hours away and work, too.
If your mom gets help for him, she can be there in a loving way during his final illness.
I felt so accomplished yesterday morning. H and I - over a couple of days - tackled a huge moving things around project. The house was starting to look more acceptable to me. Then, the upstairs A/C unit - in a closet it shares with myriad boxes of Christmas decorations - developed a leak. So a downstairs ceiling that needs to be repaired, plus the contents of the closet blocking the upstairs hallway. It’s always something.
Hi All --Back from oblivion – or broken shoulder/arm, and trying to catch up. Still in PT, but getting better.
New job, MP? Same area? RE? Congratulations.
KMC – My FIL, who was a wonderfully brilliant professor, was a terribly stupid invalid whose insistence on not having help caused great physical damage to my MIL’s back. I hope your mom can avoid that.
This is the glorious time of year in Colorado, and I finally got the ok to use hiking poles – carefully – and get out for some (mild) hiking, albeit with the strict instruction to NOT fall on that arm. I’ll take it.
And my H who was fine this morning for blueberry pancakes is now wrapped up in bed sweating out some loathsome evil spirt while wrapped up in a flannel sheet, a polarfleece blanket and a down comforter. I’ve decamped to the guest room.
Surely a Manhattan will serve as a strong anti-infectant, right?
Hi all. Thanks for the support. The universe, prayers and I suspect, a sympathetic head nurse, ultimately resolved the issue.
She seemed to “get” the concerns about sending him home so between the time I left Tuesday and posted last Wed. am she and the doc determined that if he was going to go home from ICU he first needed to get used to the amount of oxygen he’d be getting from two regular units instead of icu’s big machine. So they moved him to palliative care to do so and he’d had a rough night Tuesday, after which they said he couldn’t be transported until stabilized.
By this time, I’d had another long conversation with the CCAC worker who would have orchestrated the in home care – and we’d both determined this wasn’t really going to work, even though we’d moved 3 huge oxygen compressors into the house, etc. The cdn gov will provide overnight PSW with remote nursing supervision if a person has an end-of-life/low palliative score but beyond that there’s no daytime respite.
So I went back up to Canada Wed. afternoon, and it wasn’t long before we called his daughters in. Due to his agitation/panic (which was terrible for both him and my mom to watch) the administered the “palliative cocktail” of Meds plus extra morphine via injection pump.
He passed away mercifully and peacefully on Thursday night, surrounded by his siblings, daughters, mom, me and my sibs, who to varying degrees all kept pretty much a 24 hr vigil. Mom had been there since 5 a.m. Wed. A.m.
The nursing team was great. At his passing, they turned a blind eye when we uncorked the last batch of wine he’d made and had an informal wake with him in the hospital room for an hour or so.
The ensuing four days was fodder for a tragi-comedy, but I’ll give you the short strokes.
Moms partner had been adamant that he did not want visitation at a funeral home or a funeral (was being cremated) but wanted a party/celebration of life, preferably at the legion.
Someday I will rant about what I think about the absurdity of all this post-mortem influence we humans try to exert and how the service is for the family and loved ones, not for the dead to whom it shouldn’t matter much 
But we respected his wishes, however difficult that may have made it for one of his sisters who hadn’t been there (her daughter was having a double mastectomy) his ex-wife and respective friends, and others who needed the closure of a physical goodbye.
The legion, of course, was booked solid, but mom wanted the “party” on Sunday so that his closest sister who’d flown in from BC could be present.
So I orchestrated a back-yard Celebration of Life party which included the rental a bar, tables, linens, hired workers, contracted family-style BBQ buffet, hors douvres, rented PA system with wireless mic, got guitarist-brother-in-law for ceremony, got a dj for the rest (friend of his daughters), and wired tech for slide shows, stocked in full bar service etc.
Essentially, a mini-wedding organized in a single day before a holiday weekend and executed over three, with a bunch of high strung input Lets just say its good that I’m good at this kind of thing
But before all that, while sitting with the funeral director Friday morning, I got a call that an ambulance was at moms house taking my sib who’d just had surgery for cervical cancer to the hospital due to excessive bleeding. (She was released later in day, generally fine.)
The party was ultimately a success, if that’s something you can even say about a not-funeral. It was the kind of event he would have enjoyed. The ex-wife did leave early and in a tizzy because she felt her daughter left her out of the eulogy (she didn’t, but I had given a welcome and part-eulogy on behalf of my mom, and I think that made her feel more left out because I am the more professional speaker/writer.) But we did what he wanted in the way that we could.
After all this extraordinary shenanigans, I though maybe the universe would cut me some slack and let me get home yesterday to decompress a little and rest my wickedly inflamed knee, but no, I ended up spending an adventurous three hours with my car broken down on the Bluewater bridge plaza in the sweltering heat, trapped between a line of trucks and bridge authority land which I ultimately managed to baja over an into a restricted area.
Nary an Audi dealer in town open, so I eventually diagnosed and mcgyvered the coolant system back together with parts from Canadian Tire and then with the help of the bridge folks got out of the restricted area and back onto the bridge and surprisingly then managed an uneventful trip home. My pool greeted me enthusiastically
Mch and mcson had each left a few hours before me but I saw no point in their coming back for me since leaving the car in Cda was going to cause more logistical issues and I’d already missed a full week of work for all intents and purposes.
Mom is going to come stay with us for a few weeks here as soon as she gets paperwork squared away this week. We’re planning to offer a permanent solution if she wants by renovating the pool house into a mother-in-law apartment. She may prefer to stay in her home, since that was her 5-year-plan, but she’s never done well completely on her own (is externally motivated) so we’ll see what plan emerges. Mch is her favorite and is onboard if she wants to live with us. I’d rather that happens when she’s healthy and well than incapacitated so its worth consideration.
So that’s how everything went. I feel like I need a vacation, but my books say I need to get busy loading the next quarter with new projects because we all like food with our meals
@kmcmom13 - All I can say is “Oh my!” It seems as if things usually have a way of working out, but … Condolences to your mom and all the rest of his family and friends. And yes, it’s a very good thing you’re good at what you do.
Pretty uneventful LDW here at the beach – we’ve mostly spent time obsessing over the weather forecasts about how Hermine would affect us. A couple days of high winds, and finally, rain last night. Now it looks like this will stick around for a couple days. My golf club is closed for the next 3 days for course maintenance, so for the first time all summer, I’m not playing on a Tuesday morning.
Sending all positive energy to you, @missypie, as you start your new job!
KMC - Condolences to your mom and family. Love your ability to put something together on a holiday weekend that quickly!
Quiet weekend here. Family over on Sat. to celebrate H’s birthday then yesterday he went over and took down a shed at D’s that was beginning to fall down. Sun. he also helped S take out a toilet to paint behind. I sewed a bit and cooked a lot. 
KMc – glad you made it home. What a week. I’m amazed at what you were able to pull off, but not surprised.
My sympathies, kmc.
Yes, my sympathies as well,kmc. What a week you’ve had.
We saw Bruce Springsteen last night. The concert was originally scheduled for Saturday but was rescheduled because of Hermine. I was so glad it was rescheduled as Saturday on the lawn would have been soggy and windy. Great concert. He played for 3 hours and 50 minutes!
Wow kmc. Weird set of events. I do understand the less grieving, more celebrating approach, but I think the celebration/grieving should be decided by the survivors and not the person who has just died. What is it they need? But, it isn’t a bad thing to say that you could celebrate me and not just grieve.
ShawSon and his BFF from middle school were backpacking. They amuse themselves among other things with hypotheticals. The BFF posed on about how to make funerals less bad. ShawSon thought you could do two things by discussing the failings of the dead person at a funeral: 1) much less grief as we remember what a jerk he had been a times; but 2) and more importantly, knowing that people would publicly talk about your failings and especially your bad actions at your funeral might motivate individuals to better behavior in the life before the funeral. A little bit, perhaps, like the role of the speaker in Speaker for the Dead, by Orson Scott Card.
We spent the Friday and Saturday of LDW with friends on Martha’s Vineyard. Lovely weather although we kept hearing a storm was coming and so took the Saturday night ferry back to the Cape, where we stayed for two nights with our friends (parents of the BFF). The weather was cooler but still quite lovely. We celebrated the Dad’s recent US citizenship. Not sure why he felt the need for it now, but OK. ShawWife had lobster (makes her feel like summer), swam in the ocean a few times. Now it is OK for summer to end (and today it is cold).
ShawD is having a fantastic time in Bali (where she will be for the remainder of her trip). She send me a notice of a job at a hospital about 1.5 hours away in one of the towns she’s targeted. I mentioned it to the BFF’s father who is/has been a management consultant specializing in health care for the last 30 years. He said, “Oh, I know the CEO of the hospital.” Happy to put in a good word for her. He also knew well the boss of the person to whom she would report. I hadn’t even thought of him as a resource, but he works/has worked for hospitals all over the country and they love ShawD as well as ShawSon. I also introduced their other son to a college classmate who has made a career in a tough industry that the son would like to go into.
KMC so sorry. its been a rough week but what a treasure you are.
Starting school again.
MP good luck in the new job.
I don’t want a funeral either or a wake. the standing around looking at me doesn’t work for me in life let alone death. I do think the services should honor who the person was in life. A last send off. I think this way because a friend died and her brother eulogized her by asking everyone to be born again although this did not reflect her position at all. She was spiritual, but not attached to that idea. If he wanted that at his funeral then so be it.
I am dealing with the take are of parent thing although my mom lives in Florida. My sister is now informing me that she is going on vacation and I am covering. However, I would prefer to be consulted so I can arrange to be available when school is off. My mom is just struggling a bit and being alone is setting her off. I am happy to be there but cant drop everything. I have always been the one to put myself aside , it gets old.
kmc, I have to admit that I was thoroughly immersed in your family’s experience. And amazing story and beautiful
ending all in all. Hugs to you as you support your mother as she grieves.
mp, how’s it going?
arabrab, yikes on the broken arm.
I have never ever been so thrilled to have summer end. I have taken to stepping outside late at night to
enjoy the cool fresh air. I have been looking at Bellingham, WA. as a place to experience with the future in
mind. They have less rain than Seattle but more gray days than Portland. Right now I just do not remember how
those gray days get me down. So happy to have the 100 degree days gone.
I am looking into spending a few weeks there in a bad month to see how that feels.
Hi to everyone - kmc, special hugs to you and your mom. I don’t know if I shared on here, but my S’s gf flew to a wedding of a good friend from HS at the end of July. When she got there, on a Wednesday, she found out the bride-to-be hadn’t gotten around to arrangements for the reception, and could she take care of it? The wedding/reception was on Friday. She stepped in and pulled it off. She had worked during college in the school’s catering office so it turned out to be a helpful background. Pretty amazing, since she was in a city she was unfamiliar with.
We spent LDW back in the Midwest for FIL’s birthday celebration. It was our first time back since we moved almost 2 years ago. The weather was uncharacteristically nice (usually it’s really hot) and we had a lovely time. One of the days I went back to my former workplace and visited with lots of people, then had lunch with a group of friends from church.
The birthday event itself was very nice - catered at a lovely country club. We had been told in advance that family photographs would be taken, and given suggestions on colors to wear (cool/neutral - blues, purples, greens, grays, etc). My niece/their granddaughter (age 30) showed up very underdressed in an undershirt, sweat pants and flip flips, and my MIL was a bit upset by her attire. All their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and siblings were present, so I guess if that’s the worst thing that happened, we are pretty lucky.
Flew back home Monday. I was scheduled to be working at a client that’s within driving distance this week, but the client wanted to cancel at the last minute (late last week) but when they found out that our 30-day cancellation policy would mean they would still pay for the training, they waffled back and forth and didn’t decide until yesterday morning at 7 am if they wanted me to show up. I had to leave shortly thereafter to get there in time.
My D and her bf are leaving for a vacation in Paris on Friday! She’s never been and is very excited.
Happy September to everyone!
kmc…Sending my sympathies to you and your family. You are a good daughter.
arabrab…so sorry to hear about the broken arm! Sending the healing mojo your way!
Spent LDW at the lake. It was cool and gray but always nice to relax. Still trying to get new windows installed here at home. Some complications but I hope the project gets completed in the next week… We have two weddings this week. The first is Thursday at 5 at a local barn venue.Many of the people invited are not happy about having to miss work to get there in time. Several people that I know will miss the ceremony and just show up at the reception after going home to change for the black tie event. H is surprised that it is black tie attire in a barn. The Saturday wedding will be very elegant and probably the wedding of the year. I am looking forward to both!
How is the new job missypie?