<p>Sabaray, so sorry about your S’s grades…You know that I can totally relate to that sick feeling in your stomach. (Actually, your story brings it all back…like freefalling in an elevator.)</p>
<p>But in other feelings, I’m experiencing my annual SOCW, or Sudden Onset of Christmas Weepiness. I’m crying at all the sappy human interest stories on the radio. Just got an email that a local charity is way behind on donations. It all is making me weep. Next, TV commercials.</p>
<p>::Hugs Sabaray, offers some of bandie’s margaritas …</p>
<p>Re: Gifts and money – my fam and outlaws absolutely do NOT get to attach strings to money gifts around the McHouse. If you’re giving $ to my S., ( or me!) we’ve made it known that it could get spent on comics, indie music, Jones soda, movies, random idiot t-shirts from obscure online purveyors, a year’s worth of bubble tea, hardware to construct a robot costume just for fun, dates with girls who don’t know you’re trying to date them and just think you’re generous ; ) or bobble heads! Point is - gift money = fun money. Once you’ve thanked someone (in writing) for their generosity, that’s where the “work” ends, IMHO.</p>
<p>Suspect this is why my own mother stopped giving son “money” gifts in a card and instead set up a portfolio, gave s. a nice binder, to which she sends him plastic-covered statements and transaction records when she contributes to his growing fund each year : ) And I think that’s a fab gift, personally. </p>
<p>Speaking of gifts and xmas humor, you will all recall the very obvious SURPISE gift H. had sitting in the middle of our studio for the last month, with the 4’ picture on it? Arrived home from a late meeting the other day to find same in Livingroom, COMPLETELY WRAPPED with a 2’ bow and gigantic bell attached. I of course immediately recognized the shape as the same 4’ triangular box that had sat at the studio for a month. Said to H. what have we here (teasing). Straight-faced, he replied “Its a surprise.”
Hi ho.</p>
<p>My grandmother used to give stock every year. When going through my divorce in my late-20’s, I cannot tell you how helpful that was to have, especially as premarital assets!!</p>
<p>Son is still sleeping. Not sure when I will rouse him because frankly, I am very used to my quiet house during the day. D16 is taking the last of her semester finals and was a little freaked over the one in US History this afternoon. </p>
<p>Our tree and all other decorations for that matter are in mid set-up and been like that for a week! Every day another ornament might appear on the tree, but at this point I am getting too disorganized and am taking today as a “where the heck am I?” day. The weather is supposed to get downright balmy into the mid-20’s so I might go and through some lights on a bush or two just to acknowledge we indeed live here. Seriously though, I don’t know how you do it Missy. It seems that everyone around here wants the quintessential holiday but they want it to just appear. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, H has to still believe in Santa because he does actually zip shopping. He asked me the other day what “we” are sending HIS brother and sisters, as well as his parents! I am like… umm… any kind of creative thinking has gone to someone else’s house this year.</p>
<p>in law gifts: We stopped last year! The gifts they gave everyone were strange and ended up going to Goodwill so we told them to save their $$$. Really, all of their kids and grandkids need nothing. Before that I made H shop with me to get their gifts. He hated it but I dug my heels in and refused to pick up anything unless he came. I think there has to be some effort on their part!</p>
<p>One year MIL gave preschool D1 an outfit that was for a toddler. MIL was miffed that it didn’t fit because she bought it on a trip and couldn’t return it. 4 yr. old D1 got nothing from grandparents that year as they didn’t feel a need to replace. Explain that to a 4 yr old!</p>
<p>Sabaray, so sorry. I’ve been there, both as the parent and as the student. That sick feeling in the pit of one’s stomach isn’t metaphorical.</p>
<p>First thing to do is figure out why he’s having the troubles. Procrastination/organization? Drugs or alcohol? Just doesn’t care about academics? In a school/major that’s inappropriately difficult for him? In a school/major that’s far too easy for him?</p>
<p>sabaray, big hugs for you and your S. Did he struggle last year or was this something new this year? I worry that each semester just gets harder and it seems too hard already. </p>
<p>I noticed the same thing about exams scheduled at night. I’m not sure what that is about but it seems fairly commom. Although come to think of it, you and I both have engineering students at the same school so maybe that’s why it strikes me as familiar! </p>
<p>Our younger son’s last final is tonight but he doesn’t plan to come home until they kick him out of the dorms on Saturday (getting a ride with someone but I didn’t ask who). He is bored just thinking about coming home and not missing us particularly. The older one has his last final on Friday. He scheduled his flight back in late January (after eight months abroad) so that he has to go straight to campus and will miss a day of classes to boot. I guess he doesn’t miss us either.</p>
<p>If one of my kids blew off a final, they wouldn’t be returning to school. I would absolutely hit the roof.</p>
<p>CF, I guess the thing that is so hard is that things seemed to be going well at the mid-term point; even had an A in one of the courses! I think at this point he’s having trouble because of the first three factors. Probably some level of depression mixed in. And we all know how much drugs and/or alcohol help with depression. </p>
<p>I do believe he’ll be eligible to return to school. Barely. I think my bigger question is should he return to school. He’s not making good choices and I don’t think the environment he’s in is really helping matters much. That’ll be the discussion when I get home tonight. Ho, ho, ho! </p>
<p>This is a terrible holiday topic! But I have to say you all have made me feel much better. I guess the next steps will be checking with the school and see what his standing is. If he can stay but he’s lost FA, then it’s a moot point. We’ll need an alternative plan in a heck of a hurry.</p>
<p>Analyst, thanks for the kind words. S has never been a “top” student but we thought a smaller LAC would be a good fit for him- more personal relationships with profs, kids who are involved and active- support when he needed it. I just think it was a perfect storm this semester that resulted in this abysmal result. </p>
<p>D has loved her first semester. In her element. Loves the program, loves the profs, the TAs, the University, you name it. She’s really been able to branch out and get involved-- going to Trinidad for ASB which has made me incredibly jealous.</p>
<p>Sabaray</p>
<p>Hugs to you</p>
<p>Tough decisions to be made all around.</p>
<p>Hoping we will not be in the same position after grades come out</p>
<p>Sabaray - sending cyber hugs to you.</p>
<p>Son declared his major - Game Design. Conveniently forgot to also declare Computer Science. Hmmm.</p>
<p>sabaray, I definitely recommend evaluation and counseling so your son can figure out what’s right for him. I can imagine different scenarios for a student with failing grades; each situation requires a different response in my view.</p>
<p>Student A is interested in academics, but has trouble organizing his work and his time. A is drinking/using drugs too much, but for him the substance abuse is a symptom of his disorganization. If he can straighten up his school work, he’ll stop wanting to drink so much. A needs help with organization strategies (easy to say, but hard to do, I know). Time off from school, or time at community college, might be a good choice, but he might be able to get the support and help he needs at his present school.</p>
<p>Student B is an addict. He is failing because he can’t resist drugs/alcohol. B needs drug treatment. He probably shouldn’t go back to school until after his rehab.</p>
<p>Student C is just not be interested in school; he’d rather be building something, or doing art, or following some other passion. Or he doesn’t care about academics and wants to play video games all the time. C doesn’t belong in his school. He should either go to a different school where he can study what he loves, if there is such a school, or he should follow his passion, or he should get a job.</p>
<p>Student D is suffering from depression. He should be treated for his depression. He might or might not need time off from school.</p>
<p>The first step in understanding how to help our kids is understanding what the issues are. (The zeroth step is getting furious at them and screaming into your pillow. Also crying, and waking up in the middle of the night worrying. Actually I guess the waking in the middle of the night worrying is an ongoing part of the plan.)</p>
<p>I also thought a small LAC would be good for our older D for all the same reason you bring up Sabaray. However, I honestly think coming from a huge impersonal high school was a detriment in that they hadn’t spent much time writing or really all that much reading. Tests weren’t heavy on the essays and frankly, I think she only wrote a handful of papers over the course of four years. At a small LAC more was expected. More writing for sure and way more reading. It was easy to get behind especially when she was very much having a social life. Compare her HS experience with our two younger kids and even she admits they were doing more in HS than she had on her plate in college. It works out well however because S was very used to the level of work required and had spent four years learning to balance his time when papers, tests and quizzes were directly in front of him. OR so he says. We really won’t know how he did this first semester until Christmas Eve. It still boggles my mind that they don’t post grades until Christmas eve. He also gave us a worst case scenario the other night at dinner, which included a C+ if he bombed the final. KNowing how smart this kid is with absolutely no disabilities whatsoever, it wont make me happy. But we’ll have to see because a lot of times he is far harder on himself than others would be.</p>
<p>While I can’t speak to what it’s like now, when I was at the UofMN, a lot of the entry level classes (Bio and Econ specifically) were very much multiple choice, matching etc - Tests easy to correct on a very large scale. It wasn’t until I was taking classes clearly higher on the food chain that I had large papers and essay-laden exams. So while in some respects smalls school give kids a lot more accountability with better relationships with professors, I think as parents sometimes we think they’re going to look out for our kids a lot more than we would if they attended a 10,000 kid college. And while these expectations might be reasonable, if nothing else, I think we’ve all learned that all the brochure rhetoric requires double-checking at the very least.</p>
<p>Tree is done. Furniture in Christmas position (to accommodate tree) and the lights are on the front hall while I look for outside extension chords. The sun is shining so I have maybe an hour or two of a window here.</p>
<p>Modadunn, you and CF bring up very good points that H and I have discussed ad nauseum. CF, I really appreciate your insight. It has really given me a great deal to think about. </p>
<p>It’s interesting when you talk about the small/large school contrast. If I gave the impression that I expected a smaller school to offer more support/looking out for S, I certainly did not intend to. At the time, the school seemed like a very good fit. College is a bit bigger than high school. Academic rigor is about what we expected; don’t think the work is too challenging or difficult for him; some classes he really seemed to enjoy. Classes/tests/papers very similar to what he did in high school. If anything, he has less work now than before. I looked through books he used this term and his notebooks; highlighted chapters and outlined in the notebook. </p>
<p>Earlier in the term he had expressed doubt over returning next year. I sent away for material relating to Outward Bound (done in the past) and NOLS, thinking a break from a purely classroom environment might be welcomed. </p>
<p>I’m a firm believer that education is never wasted. But I guess more than anything I just want to know that psychologically he is okay. That if he does have a substance abuse problem he gets treatment for it. That if he’s depressed he gets counseling/support to get through it. He can always go back to school. I just want him to get the most out of it that’s possible.</p>
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<p>Sounds like you’re a great parent!</p>
<p>Sabaray
I hope your son will open up to you when he is home. If he does, half the battle is won. Best of luck. Whatever happens, I too agree, no education is ever wasted, and with parents like you, your S will come out on the better end of this eventually</p>
<p>Sabaray, echoing in on the sympathies…so sorry 
</p>
<p>I also have bare naked trees (two) that have been that way for almost two weeks. </p>
<p>I did finish wrapping presents (I try to get on things early, because its cheaper AND I HATE last-minute wrapping. We’re having a party Saturday night at a house we own that isn’t currently occupied. There’s a water view, so we’ve invited friends and family over there to watch a parade of Christmas ships! It will be VERY casual, and nobody cares about the decor! MY kind of party. I’m off in a few to find some kind of plastic wine glasses.</p>
<p>Missypie, I with you in the weepiness–SUCH a sap. I just welled up at the noon news story about a serviceman who came home for the holidays. I’ve already cried at commercials… But I’m putting MOST of my emotional eggs in a basket for a dear friend’s daughter who applied ED to her dream school and should hear tomorrow or thereabouts. She would be perfect for this school, and wrote one of the best essays I’ve ever read. Fingers crossed.</p>
<p>You guys are the best. We need to move on to happier topics. </p>
<p>SJTH, H works in special events planning- if I can hop on the Christmas bus on the way to Missypie’s for the holiday decor we can swing by your place for the parade- and I’ll bring the wine glasses!</p>
<p>D just called so happy – she just finished her exams. She said chemistry was really easy, but the advanced calc test was “really, really hard,” but that all the other students thought so too. Good news is that, in order to get an A for the class, she didn’t even need to take the exam. She still put in 5-7 hours of study/review. </p>
<p>Wow, first semester done!</p>
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<p>I am a member of a family of math idiots - it goes pretty far back on both sides of the family - so none of my kids will ever be taking advanced calc. But your statement struck me because it’s a* D* in advanced calc. I’m old enough to remember when girls were discouraged from taking advanced math at all. If your Ds have living grandmothers, your Ds should talk to them over the break about how it used to be. Most of them would probably be astounded.</p>
<p>^^^ Really! </p>
<p>This has been her favorite course this semester. It’s a smaller, more advanced class, and she just loves the teacher.</p>
<p>Our older D is doing a PhD in CS.</p>
<p>Me? I finished HS geometry and quit so I could pick up another foreign language. Whose genes did they get?</p>
<p>My D has asked three times if we’re going to bring her winter coat to the airport. There’s now a 60-degree difference between her CA campus temperature and her MN home!</p>
<p>Can’t wait to hug her for the first time in 3 months!</p>