Parents of the HS Class of 2011 - We're awesome!

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
3261

<p>I am fortunate that we get to see D about once a week, but she hasn’t been home since August 19. Once field hockey is over, I wonder if she will want to come more often.</p>

<p>I am also enjoying time with D2, who is a freshman in HS. She is missing her sister, and they do Skype on occasion, but D2 is also very busy. She takes several dance classes and is on the field hockey team, so she is hardly home. </p>

<p>At first, she was excite that she was going to be the only one at home, then I reminded her that if anything goes wrong in the house, it is easy to figure out who did it.</p>

3262

<p>I think an individualized approach is needed. What’s right for one kid won’t be right for another. And that’s even within one family. What it takes for a successful launch for one child won’t necessarily work for the sibling. We do the best we can to support our children through transitions looking at the individual. If yours is a jump in the deep end and swim type, a hands-off approach will probably work. Might not be the right approach for the toe-dipper. In the end, the goal is the same – an independent, self-assured, self-reliant adult.</p>

<p>amandak: I love that your son was concerned!</p>

3263

<p>Emmy - Hugs to you!! Ds wanted to be back for a number of critical HS band/HS life events (homecoming for one - so he can pass the crown to the next king) and even went as far as telling people on FB how he would see them there…but - we are incredibly cheap and short of funds as it is and I had to tell him no, it ain’t gonna happen. The bus would take 9 hrs to get here since he’d have to connect in NYC. If he had gone to our state u which operates as a suitcase practically, he would be home at least 3 times a month, no biggie. No one is telling those kids that they are not growing up to be independent, it just is the way it is there. I would bet that if you are far from home, going to a school where 50% head home each weekend - it would seem odd to not have a weekend away - of any sort. Sounds like a weekend with dd1 is the ticket or like you said, grandparents in Boston (though that seems less exciting!) If she’d like to explore the suburbs of NJ and attend a sub-par football game on a field of mud, and hang out at the local DQ or mall, she’s welcome to come on over to me. We have an extra bed, couple of dogs and a number of hormonal girls/woman. And alot of jelly.</p>

3264

<p>I agree that an individualized approach is needed, and I love BI’s swimming analogy.</p>

<p>I would caution you not to feel that you have to take a stand and stay tough if your kid really needs a weekend at home. I’ve seen some very independent kids felt the need to touch base a few times in the fall of Freshman year. This visits home dwindled after that fall, but my D1 and her senior friends still like an ocassional visit home. Campus life is very intense, and sometimes kids need a break.</p>

3265

<p>And my problem is, ds calls and texts and facetimes me - I haven’t dialed him ONCE since he left. Should I reject the calls? Seems harsh but I have a couple times when I had my hands full.</p>

3266

<p>I can’t help but keep track of the violent crime to date:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Fatal stabbing of student about 8 blocks from D’s dorm. (about 1:30 am)</p></li>
<li><p>Robbery and sexual assault at gunpoint, at 2:30 pm, about 7 blocks from D’s dorm.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>The broad daylight one is kind of scary.</p>

3267

<p>So many choices … I do have the “independence” philosophy, mixed with the “you made your bed, now lie in it” attitude … but yes, I have had 1 jump-in-the-pool kid (which I have to say also sometimes includes run-out-into-traffic kid), and 1 toe-dipper (which on the positive side meant much fewer scary moments for mom!).</p>

<p>For instance, this D was a thumb-sucker. We were fine with it (and so was her dentist), although around preschool we gently said that someday she would need to think about stopping. SHE decided that her 4th birthday was the right time to stop. For three weeks she didn’t suck her thumb - and we watched her become pale, anxious, sleep-deprived. Finally H and I said to her, “Are you really OK not sucking your thumb now? Because it’s all right if you still need to for a little while.” She started again, and was happier and healthier. A year later, on her 5th birthday, she quit in one day and never went back.</p>

<p>This kid has had various ups and downs and has had to learn a lot about herself. I’m willing to relax some of my own philosophies and let her take the lead when she can. We talked last weekend about the frequent contact, and she said it was important to her. OK, I can understand that. She may yet get a visit home “just because.” We actually did that for hyper-independent D1 a couple of summers ago because at the time 10 weeks on an internship coming right after 4 months on study abroad turned out to be really rough on her. </p>

<p>But I do have to be able to feel things add up - she won’t come home because she doesn’t want to try, or because she whined so much that we gave in. And it has to make sense. I wish she had a long weekend or something between now and Thanksgiving, but she doesn’t. I hate leaning on D1 to be “parent #3” so I’m resisting pressuring her to set up a trip to NY right away. I do know she would like to visit her sister, though, so that will be a great help in the meantime. </p>

<p>D2 has to accept this choice she very, very deliberately made. She knew this was part of the deal. I still have no reason to believe that she is in the wrong place - she just shows every sign of a “slow to warm up” kid who is in that long adjustment phase. H went to college 1 hour from his folks and went home every weekend his first fall; he says it was a huge mistake, and I know he understands what she’s going through and what she needs to do. It’s just a hard period to live through, for everyone.</p>

<p>Every day I think it would have been nice if she could have been close enough to visit if she really wanted to, or for us to go there. I can see where that can be a very nice aspect to college - or any time. One of these days I’ll be on a catch-as-catch-can basis with D1, and this situation will feel like luxury; friends with adult kids sometimes only see them every year or two (and honestly I’ve done that at times with my folks). Of course there’s no science to this. The goal is independence AND a mutually enjoyable relationship … the path to get there has many twists and turns, and we’ll just make those decisions the best we can.</p>

3268

<p>Missypie- I was thinking about you when I heard of those incidents - the young man who was stabbed over Labor Day weekend was a HS friend of my D’s :frowning: </p>

<p>It probably won’t help that much to know that both incidents are highly unusual for that area. It helps me to remember that things like that can and do happen in every neighborhood of this City and in (almost) every town in this country, but it is still extremely scary. </p>

<p>D2, a couple of her friends and I are visiting D1 for FB game tomorrow. I’m exited to go and have a fun day. We’re lucky that her campus is only 2.5 hrs away so we can down & back in one day.</p>

3269

<p>AmandaK: I am one who probably wouldn’t cut off his frequent contact. It may just be what he needs right now as he transitions. My guess is that it will taper off as he feels more comfortable. I wouldn’t hesitate, though, to tell him it’s not a good time for you to talk if you’re in the middle of something else. You’ve already explained to him that he can’t come home for a weekend. I think I’d let this frequent contact run its course.</p>

<p>It’s funny, I had dinner last night with a group of mom friends…our sons all played soccer together for years and all headed off to college this fall…they are a great group of guys and it’s a great group of moms. Anyway, we talked about how much or how little we had heard from our sons. It ran the gamut from – he calls about everything – to I’ve barely heard from him. And one mom who has a D who is a junior at college and a S who is a freshman says that she hears from her D multiple times a day – Mom, I’m cooking this awesome stir-fry for dinner – Mom, I just got back a paper and got an A. Mom said that when she sees it’s her on the phone, she doesn’t pick up if she’s in the middle of something. Her son, however, hasn’t been in touch much. She said that she rushes to answer when it’s him. Different kids, same family. My S2 hasn’t been in touch much – I even went so far as to text “Are you alive?” at one point. They’re all different!</p>

3270

<p>missy - I feel for you, too. As I’ve said, I know my mom was terrified when I went to Chicago, even though (or because) she understood city life herself. And while I keep bemoaning the fact that D hasn’t gone into Manhattan yet I could hardly contain my nagging of her on how to behave, how to carry her money, and to be careful, careful, careful when she finally does. </p>

<p>I have no advice except that we just get used to these things, somehow, and find the faith to get through.</p>

3271

<p>Both S (senior) and D (freshman) are at schools 8-10 hours away, so they won’t be home for any weekends. S gets a week break in October and will be back (maybe with his roommate). D is on trimesters and has no break until Thanksgiving, when she will come home until New Year’s Day. All along, S has texted us periodically - when walking across campus to class “Hey, Mom. How’s Ohio?” I love these little interactions. I think they have just kept us all (Dad gets them too) in touch. D is doing the same thing and we are all enjoying the brief every-other-day-or-so updates. S occasionally will email us a paper of his to proofread. We did some proofing for both kids in HS, but that was all the help (other than consulting) that we gave them for academics. D has also just sent us her first essay to proof. We feel it is always nice to have an extra pair of eyes go over what one has written. It happens all the time in the “real world”. By proofreading, I mean we look for grammatical errors and make suggestions - no rewriting. Added benefit is we get to learn new things from their coursework!</p>

3272

<p>I agree with both camps. Parents need to crank the helicopter up to a higher altitude. With some kids, this will be abrupt (I apparently didn’t call my parents for 6 weeks after I got to college), but with others, the transition to a higher altitude will be more gradual. With ShawD, she won’t naturally call the disabilities folks to set up meetings she’ll need at one point to have had, so I have to nudge her. ShawSon will call me to dictate sensitive emails. He can do it himself but likes the check. Both call me for help with their resumes. But, unless there’s some kind of transactional thing, we don’t hear from them particularly often (at all?). So, I think the transitions are proceeding apace.</p>

<p>On visits, I think too many visits can be counter-productive to building proper social relationships and integrating into a new life. But, under certain circumstances, I think visits are OK. ShawSon used to visit some (but he’s 1.5 hours away), especially if there were debate tournaments in Boston, because he found the house a lower distraction place to work on papers. ShawD has not trip planned but I recently asked her and she’d like to come back for the weekend after Thanksgiving because her friends will be home then. </p>

<p>Emmybet, I suspect that your D will become so enmeshed in school activities at some point that she won’t want to come home. Until then, it will feel nice to be home, but for the most part, it is likely better if she stays where she is. If it were me, I’d go out of my way to visit her.</p>

3273

<p>The amount of contact varies by child. My older D calls, texts, e-mails quite a bit. She likes the contact. Her freshman year she took the 3-hour train ride or hitched a ride home a couple of times per semester. Not that she spent time with us at home, she wanted to see a few friends who were going to school locally.</p>

<p>Soph year, she did the same. We try to stay out of drama (we’re experts at the comforting sounds) and have her make her own decisions. It’s difficult to learn the difference between a vent and a request for help.</p>

<p>She’s been in school for 5 weeks and is driving home this weekend. Some things to drop off/pick up and plans to see a local friend. She’s adjusted well to school, but just craves contact.</p>

<h1>2D has been at school a week. She’s texted her dad a few times, but no calls. I joke that we may not see her til Thanksgiving. That’s just how she is - more able to work through things on her own. It’s not better or worse, just different.</h1>

<p>What’s important is to let your child lead. Make sure they know that they can call or visit, but that it is up to them (within reason) to decide frequency.</p>

3274

<p>At 18 years of age–I want my kid to negotiate all of the “uncomfortable” moments…and to grow in those moments…
and to feel confident in the choosing of resources etc…
Not needing to constantly be reassured that “mommy” thinks it was a good choice, or “mommy” thinks the roommate/professor/situation is unfair etc …</p>

<p>I want my kid to branch out and build relationships with students there. To solve problems, balance time demands etc</p>

<p>Yes, I went to a school where most of the population went home weekends-- which seemed weird to me. I went home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring break–not the weeekends home to eat moms food/hang with high school buds and etc.</p>

<p>Yes kids learn to swim at different rates and in different ways --yet I think some of the stuff happening IS enabling. Our kids have to understand WE have lives apart from them and we are not available to chat it up when ever they are uncomfortable with the tiniest thing…I think there would be more growing/independence going on when they didn’t have mommy on an electronic tether…it really is unhealthy. </p>

<p>How can our kids settle in, make friends, join clubs and find their people if they keep “escaping” by coming home or calling home to discuss everything.etc…I think they are using some of this as a way to escape the transition they need to make.</p>

<p>I hope this isn’t offending anyone, I just wonder how much of this is what “we” need, what “they” need and what is healthy… truly healthy. Where do these “fears” come from? Is it possible we parents have have launched kids who have yet to be confident in their ability to choose for themselevs?</p>

<p>FWIW, a toddler/child swim instructor (like Infant Swimming Research) will tell you water wings are very unsafe because the child isn’t learning to swim properly and develops bad habits. </p>

<p>Hugs all around.</p>

3275

<p>

I’d definitely not stop in the middle of repotting a plant to take a call from anyone. But as long as the calls are convenient for both of you and you two aren’t spending so much time together that he is lacking time to get out and join college, I don’t see a problem. If he’s making friends, he’ll gradually start spending more time with them than with you. </p>

<p>It’s odd where what I want for him is so different from what I want for me. I miss my boy terribly, but he’s adapting well and I’m thrilled.</p>

<p>I’ve recently decided that the best thing I can do for GeekSon is get a life. I don’t want to be a drag on him when I’m older.</p>

3276

<p>Amid this discussion, I just want to make sure that I am the voice crying in the wilderness: If you have a child who is at risk in some way - mental illness, eating disorder, chemical dependency, autism spectrum, hard to manage health issue - trust your gut and see and talk to your child as much as you feel is appropriate.</p>

3277

<p>missypie: Yes, yes, yes!!! I think it’s important that we not get so “stuck” on them being independent that we ignore signs of them needing help for issues like depression, etc.</p>

3278

<p>Yes - I agree with fog about what I “want” my 18 year old to be able to do. Reality hits when I have to look with eyes open at what she truly is capable of, and what her coping history is. It’s very complicated. It’s also hard having had a D1 who basically takes a cliff-diver’s approach to life.</p>

<p>Our plan is to tell D no visit until Thanksgiving. A la shawbridge, we might offer that one of us could visit her. As I said, I don’t want to dump a “parental support” role on D1 inadvertently, and as missy says, sometimes a parent does want to get a look at their kid, especially if there is a legitimate fear of a serious problem. I have faith in D2, but there’s a fine line where she’s concerned. I will breathe considerably easier when I know she has successfully endured one semester of college - and I would have said that a year ago, two years ago. No big surprise here.</p>

<p>Another thing with her is that she chose not only to go far away - for many good reasons - but she also chose a major that by definition will tax her time, her energy, her availability for fun, escape, etc. It’s similar to doing a sport, or other kinds of intensive programs, or committing to a heavy work schedule in order to go somewhere more expensive, or a lot of particular choices like that.</p>

<p>She either is still willing to make this sacrifice or she’s not. We can’t bend a whole lot of rules and give her the impression that she can be the exception. Everything we do has to include this general goal of learning how to cope with the reality of what she is taking on, and/or learning whether it’s really what she wants.</p>

3279

<p>Can’t WE also get “stuck” thinking they need help or can’t go it alone?</p>

<p>Hopefully by the time they were launched–they had developed the skills and such to handle the day to day…
Mind you a serious medical condition may involved a parent if the student can’t speak for themselves…but handling a trip to the olcal store for kleenex or flu medicine or seeking the schools medical center aid is what they are supposed to be doing themselves.</p>

<p>I hear you Missypie and understand, yet we can’t let our fears drive this bus. I can google the police blotter of the city of our student’s U and find plenty of crime, stabbings, drugs etc…
yet what does that serve?</p>

<p>Remember this list posted by one of the parents here

</p>

<p>I liked this list because it empowered my student. It says I have confidence in kiddo and kiddo’s abilities to muddle through this learning process. Mistakes will be made. It is part of it too.</p>

<p>I just think it’s worth the risk to think about the messages we are sending our kids…whether we think they can handle the college life and challenges ahead… or are we giving them messages that they need to check back before making decisions, call us about every decision they make, or have us review their college work, etc etc. These are all things that advisors say stunt the emotional and intellectual growth of our students. In the case of reviewing a student’s work, it can be considered cheating. When does it stop? I stopped reviewing my kids homework etc by about 4th grade.</p>

3280

<p>Fog - That’s exactly what I told ds when he called so frantic about our supposed serial killer - I mean really, he’s worried about crime HERE? I’m in the yuppy suburbs and he’s in a metro area. I stopped looking at the online student paper when I saw the police blotter. TMI for me.</p>

<p>Best advice I got from parent advising during registration in July was to respond to anything the kid says with “Hmmmmm.” A non-judgemental response to get them to think through what they are doing without actually solving or responding to it. So far, that tidbit has been very useful. I like the helicopter analogy where we are taking the altitude up a few thousand feet. But for me, what really helps is I have 3 other nimwits here in my face that I have to deal with and counsel daily. That is more than keeping me occupied.</p>