<p>Perhaps the opposite of the kid who calls to unload is the kid who always says all is well, always tells you what he thinks you want to hear. I think some parents try so hard to think all is well…but I really haven’t heard of any stories where college cured alcoholism or anorexia or depression.</p>
<p>I guess I should explain my perspective. I sincerely hope that none of you achieve this “status” on CC, but once folks find out that your child didn’t make it away in college, you start getting PMs from parents telling their kids’ stories. One or two of them still haunt me.</p>
<p>Missypie, I’ve read some of your other posts, and you give a lot of good advice. I agree that sometimes a parent just need to see their child to see how things are going. Some kids just call home to kvetch, then feel better and do fine. Others are truly stuggling and need some help.</p>
<p>A girl in my D’s dorm left school last week. My D was very sad to see her go. She said that she was friendly and happy the first two weeks, but then retreated and didn’t hang out with anyone. I’m guessing that she had some emotional issues before she left home. I thought of what Missypie has said, that a kid’s issues won’t magically disapear when they go away for college.</p>
<p>Since I’m the “crazy” mom who let her 6 year old ride his bike by himself 1 1/2 miles to school and back in first grade, I’m staying out of this conversation. But there was a method to my madness. ;)</p>
<p>I am happily getting ready to see Bluejr at a home football game tomorrow. Bluedad, Bluejrjr, and I will head down, treat Bluejr and his roommate to lunch before the game and visit for about an hour. We have seats…oh, somewhere. Bluejr will be in the student section with his friends. We won’t see him after the game. I don’t think the visit will harm his development in any way or impact his enjoyment of the game (he invited us since the visiting team is Bluedad’s alma matter).</p>
<p>I remember when I first read “the list” and made a point of mentioning a few of those suggestions to my S.</p>
<p>I think that fog fog is right and missypie is right. And emmybet and holliesue and the rest of us, too.
We’ve each established the dynamic which works for us and our children. We need to reach out or pull back according to what we know is our kid’s comfort level. After all, this isn’t our first interaction with them.</p>
<p>Bottom line:
Always, always heed any danger signs, but we gave them wings and now need to let them fly.</p>
<p>I think my helicopter style is to pull back and hover at a pretty high altitude, on the idea that 18 years of solid parenting has created a kid who can handle most of the stuff she’ll encounter, but then I zoom in as needed (medical emergency, hearing a spike in anxiety in the texts). Once she seems ok, I pull back again.</p>
<p>It’s too early for the Thanksgiving countdown.</p>
<p>Parent’s weekend dates are too varied to track.</p>
<p>It’s Saturday. I am going to take the day off. :)</p>
<p>Avon Son was launched 4 weeks ago. With countdowns and other work related items, I haven’t really commented or posted much as to his acclimation and communications activities but will provide an update sometime this weekend. We have had a few texts and a couple of calls during that time.</p>
<p>My younger daughter is only in 7th grade, so she will be college class of 2021 (Yikes!!). I hope CC is still around, and that there will be nice parents on a “class of 2021” thread as there are here. </p>
<p>My daughter calls, texts, and IMs often. I rarely initiate the contact, but I’m here for her if she needs me. Usually, I leave facebook open while I am on the computer doing other things. If she needs me, she will IM.</p>
<p>One thing I remind my kiddos–they take themselves with them…
They take their habits, beliefs, behaviors, issues past and present, what they learned, emotional maturity, courage to be authentic/transparent etc…</p>
<p>Changing schools, towns, bedrooms, peer groups etc…does not mean they leave themselves and any issues/baggage behind. It is true for everyone…adult and teen. Who you are and how you handle issues past and present goes with you. </p>
<p>Perhaps kids who are leaving colleges in the first weeks mistakenly thought that a “fresh start” would put certain issues behind them. idk</p>
<p>I am glad that our group can tackle this kind of sensitive subject and consider whether we are making solid healthy decisions for ourselves and our college students…rather than be all about the weather and “party conversation”. It takes courage, ownership and authenticity.</p>
<p>ShawD called to discuss the mechanics of switching to nursing. I think she’s acting out of some real self-knowledge. She’s finding her courses (bio, chem, and math) surprisingly easy at the moment, though with my nudging, she’s getting the mentoring/tutoring in place. But, I think she realizes that she wants a job with hands-on feedback working with people (she loves to help people) and is afraid that biology won’t easily take her there. Plus, she just loves the biology of the human body but is not an academically curious kid. She likes concrete knowledge much more than theory. So, I’m on board if that’s what she wants to do.</p>
<p>This is a case in which I’m glad she is seeking my guidance and assistance. By the same token, I’m glad she’s not calling me for help on her math assignments (easy for me) or chemistry (would be tough to recover from the cobwebs) or on dorm life or how to get good food in the cafeteria. There’s a time for involvement. I don’t hold with the one view espoused here that “we prepared you to make adult judgments and you’re on your own”, but I also don’t want to her to “call us for every decision”. However, the poster who framed parents as having just those two options is, I think, making things a little simpler than they are (at least for me). There is a continuum in terms of residual parental involvement, and where one falls on the continuum depends upon a) the kid; and b) the decision. Is this decision one for which the kid is well-prepared to make on their own or would guidance help and be appropriate? Let me pose some hypotheticals for those who are in the “we’ve trained you well so don’t call us about your decisions” as to whether you’d want them to call: Would you want your kid to seek your advice 1) before making decisions between surgical or medical options given a serious medical diagnosis; b) about how to handle an abusive teacher; c) about switching fields (e.g., biology to nursing, to take a less than hypothetical example, or aeronautical engineering to opera (as one of my friend’s daughters did)? </p>
<p>I consider knowing when and how to get help to be a skill that is worth learning. ShawSon largely has it. ShawD less so. I didn’t have it at all until after grad school and could have benefited meaningfully from being better at getting help from professors and others who would, in the process, get to know me better.</p>
<p>On another note, ShawD told me that her roommate attended a private school with uniforms and doesn’t have enough clothes. Last night, they died the roommate’s hair a copper red. Today, ShawD is going to take her clothes shopping. That reminded me that I have a relationship with a fashion company that is going to open a store near her and they say they’ll invite her to the store opening/VIP party. I told her of the planned invite. She was thrilled and she’ll happily drag some kids with her.</p>
<p>Shaw, will your daughter be talking with college advisors a well regarding her academic and career path? There is probably a lot of crossover and with hours required in practicals, she will enjoy patient contact. </p>
<p>Just got off the phone with my son. Sounds like he’s a little lonely. I don’t think he’s found many friends yet and about to have his third or fourth Saturday with nothing going on. I don’t quite know why he hasn’t connected but part of it is that he’s never had to really reach out - his friends always called him to invite him to do things. He called to wish me a happy birthday, but I think we both felt a little sad by the end of the call. :(</p>