<p>Kath: Hugs. Those unhappy phone calls are awful. Keep encouraging him to get involved in activities so he will meet people. You can also suggest that he ask other kids in his dorm if they want to do something. This transition can be hard.</p>
<p>Shawbridge~Very well said…There are no right or wrong when it comes to communicating with your children.I believe each family has their own little system that they have develop over the past few years. No books or articles can replace that :p</p>
<p>Very generous offer from you…I may need some new cloth as well :D</p>
<p>Kathie~ Sorry about the phone call, this is definitly a downer 
But we are at the end of September and this usually when really hits!
Well here you ==>
**<em>♪♫</em>Happy Birthday To Kathiep<em>♪♫</em>
**</p>
<p>I was looking for cards today and found Hallmark has capitalized on the “helicopter parent” thing by having a whole new genre of “kid encouragement” cards - even some mini-card collections that you could slip into a lunch or something - alot were more HS or elem level types. Pretty interesting that they also have “recession” cards with handy “things are going to get better” messages. I was tempted to put one of these “I like you just the way you are” cards with my ds’ package (no, haven’t mailed it yet, darn it) but they were all too heavy emotionally. A good dose of hoops-n-yoyo is what these kids need.</p>
<p>Kathiep - Happy Birthday!! I hope he finds some clubs that interest him - or dorm activities? It will probably make you feel better to put together some care pkg - I know for me, that has been fun, makes me feel more productive, without interferring with anything but calorie intake of course. God forbid I become a stealth pilot parent.</p>
<p>Shawbridge - Good points - I have the luxury of having 4 kid-subjects in my personal experiment on child rearing - and I have to say, up to this point, nothing I do creates the same affect on all 4. They are very different on most aspects and it’s fascinating that they came from the same parents, same household, same rules but each deals with life and issues very very differently. They are very different people. Like 180 degree different. Dd1 will need a totally different set of waterwings - ones with mini-torpedos to ward off people than dd3 who will cliff-diving by the time she gets to middle school. Ds is a good guinea pig test case because he is pretty confident, smart and socially outgoing and risk adverse. But I agree that we have to see how much we are enabling or holding back or truly supporting. How much of it is us and how much is them. And I need to get a bigger life. Both financially and emotionally, it would be a good thing.</p>
<p>fogfog, she’s looked at the required curriculum and I suggested she go over to the School of Nursing to talk with someone there. She doesn’t really have an advisor in the bio department yet, though there is someone she can talk with. There are also peer mentors, but I’m not sure they would necessarily be a big help.</p>
<p>I’m sure she’ll love the patient contact. She was asking me today if she could switch for this year as she’s only had 2 weeks of classes (and there is overlap), but from the website, it doesn’t look like it. I also suggested she talk with the admissions person who was responsible for the Northeast US, as she visited ShawD’s school when she knew ShawD was applying, and thus knows her.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>Tons of articles about what we are discussing…</p>
<p><a href=“http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/09/20/helicopter-landing/[/url]”>http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/09/20/helicopter-landing/</a></p>
<p>[Hovering</a> parents need to step back at college time - CNN](<a href=“http://articles.cnn.com/2008-02-04/health/hm.helicopter.parents_1_helicopter-parents-college-students-students-with-higher-levels?_s=PM:HEALTH]Hovering”>http://articles.cnn.com/2008-02-04/health/hm.helicopter.parents_1_helicopter-parents-college-students-students-with-higher-levels?_s=PM:HEALTH)</p>
<p><a href=“http://articles.latimes.com/2010/aug/29/local/la-me-parents-20100829[/url]”>http://articles.latimes.com/2010/aug/29/local/la-me-parents-20100829</a></p>
<p>Let’s face it- the electronic tether/umbilical cord makes it easy and convenient…</p>
<p>Many thanks to AvonHSDad for the countdown, as long as it was–DS is ensconced at Southern Oregon University and DH and I are back home, much to the dog’s delight.</p>
<p>Ashland was beautiful, if a little warmer than optimal; the people at SOU were without exception friendly and helpful and welcoming. There were a few minor glitches–the surge protector power strip somehow didn’t make it into any of the boxes when we packed, and the ethernet cable he took was too short, but he went to the bookstore and got a longer ethernet cable and a PowerSquid (which, oddly enough, he’d been wanting but had never come across in stock anywhere other than online) so he was feeling pretty well settled in once he got his computer set up. We went back to the hotel after everything was moved into his room and met up with him again after convocation on Friday afternoon. We chatted for a little bit and then said our goodbyes; I hugged him and DH shook his hand and we left, launch successful and stable orbit achieved.</p>
<p>On to the next adventure.</p>
<p>Just got a call from D. She is out for sushi with her godmother and family. Godmother was my college roommate. They sounded great and happy to be together. I am so grateful they are, but feel so darn sad that I am not with them. </p>
<p>D won’t allow me to hover, but I am on the lookout for any of the big issues we have mentioned. Each kid and each situation differs. I do need to intentionally step back on the regular stuff with the little bro. This discussion is a good reminder to let him get on with his stuff.</p>
<p>Today we sold one of our cars and changed internet service. I texted D about it so I wouldn’t forget to tell her and it wouldn’t be a surprise when she came home at Christmas. She said “Boy, I leave and you guys change everything! By the way, I made a beehive today.”</p>
<p>I guess she is alright.</p>
<p>Kathie - happy hugs for your birthday and comforting hugs for your sad son. Possible solution…ask him what he would say/suggest to his child if he/she was in the same boat. He probably knows what he should do to change his situation but just needs the push/nudge to do it. You might want to ask him what the worst thing that could happen if he (1) walked into a club alone (2) asked someone to join him at x,y or z. When he realizes that these things are better than being alone for another weekend, he will have the umphf (??) to act.</p>
<p>Until then, be strong. These are tough phone calls for a mom. I’ve been there too. My son often refers back to those times when he went to a new place. He’ll say “remember when I was lonely when I started that new camp. Once I reached out to Joe in robotics everything was great”. I hope your son meets a buddy or two real soon.</p>
<p>kathiep, happy birthday. If my son called with nothing to do on Saturday night, I’d suggest that he find some clubs to join (Outing Club, some kind of social service club, etc.). It wouldn’t immediately solve the no friends on Saturday night problem, but would increase the number of ways to meet kids. I think I did at one point suggest that ShawSon practice talking to kids on the way out of classes as a way to expand his social circle (he was not lonely but did not initially find his soulmates). I also suggested that he go to the gym to join pickup basketball games and that he would meet a completely different set of kids that way. He did, and one became a friend, though he transferred at the end of the year. </p>
<p>Incidentally, there are psychologists who could teach someone some very specific social skills, like how to start a conversation, how to ask for free (non-threatening) information, how to build on the free information to begin an engaging conversation, etc. If you think your son could strengthen his skills in that area, perhaps you might nudge him in that direction.</p>
<p>In the continuing vein of thought on how different kids from the same parent are different, if ShawD were lonely because she hadn’t found friends, I’d think that either something were seriously wrong with the universe (she had three good friends by the end of the day on which we moved her in and there has not been an incident in recorded history in which she was unable to make friends) or she was having serious physical or psychological illness.</p>
<p>Oh to have ShawD’s equilibrium and social skills. How nice not to have that particular worry.<br>
kathiep- sending good thoughts. Even though it will work out in the long run, it is hard to get through these early days. Sorry for you and your S.</p>
<p>I know that my D is spending time alone, but that is how she prefers it. She called home laughing on Friday. She works from 2-6 pm every Friday in the library. She now found out that she functions as concierge when you have that shift. People wanting to know where the on campus parties come in and ask at the library. She points in them in the right (or wrong depending on your perspective) direction. I am sure that it never, ever occurred to her to go to one of these functions. She is connecting with a few of the quieter women on her floor but is not fussed if she spends hours reading and watching movies on her own. Once we send her more kitchen equipment, I am pretty sure she will be cooking more and inviting others along for results.</p>
<p>kathiep – I remember at college, some girls were very intent on packing their Saturday night with stuff to do, and since it didn’t appeal to me (lots of drinking), I was like your son – not much to do on Saturday night.</p>
<p>Then as the semester wore on, some of those girls figured out it wasn’t that great either, and they were more available to hang out with. So I think in the first weeks, kids glom on to each other to create this appearance of social success. Your son just hasn’t found his group yet, and I bet you raised him to be emotionally authentic and he can’t fake it just to be accepted.</p>
<p>It’s a sign of how close you are that he felt comfortable relaying that to you. Happy Birthday. Hang in there.</p>
<p>Isn’t so much of this timing?</p>
<p>So many of these kids - and I’ll admit, I too as a parent - want to define “how things will be” by how they are at the beginning. Not only are we too impatient in general, but we also get stuck with our first impressions. D found campus life slow to begin with - I think there legitimately was too little to “do” the first few weekends, and also she definitely wasn’t finding the right way to make sure she had stuff to do with people. She started to convince herself that’s “how it is” there, which is worrisome. I think little things are convincing her otherwise, but now she’s stuck with making the new adjustments on top of her old assumptions, which makes it that much harder.</p>
<p>I think, though, that the majority of kids do find life shifts after the first few weeks, as 2015 said above, or because activities heat up, or they’re studying more and connecting at least academically, or for whatever reasons. I have faith my D will see the shifts and respond positively to them, and wonder someday why she was so out of sorts these first few weeks.</p>
<p>Some kids jump in and have a MARVELOUS time right away - but some of them forget they’re supposed to do their homework as well as have fun. Or they find themselves stuck in a social group that they realize isn’t what they wanted after all. There are always ups and downs at both ends of the spectrum.</p>
<p>The good news is that college is a do-over for lots of kids - they can be who they wished they could have been in HS, or the person they hid because it just didn’t work with the same old people they’d known forever. The great news is that college is a CONSTANT do-over - you can change around your friends, habits, clubs, majors, living situations, and more likely than not people won’t really bat an eye. It’s NORMAL. You can burn bridges and get pigeonholed, but more likely people will understand you’re just figuring things out.</p>
<p>I’m trying to help my adolescent realize that things aren’t as absolute as she fears. That’s such typical thinking during this phase.</p>
<p>Happy birthday kathiep. :)</p>
<p>I am sorry to hear about the kids who are struggling and happy to hear about the kids who are thriving.</p>
<p>Mine is a bit of both-socially he seems OK but he is very overwhelmed by so much-the huge school, people everywhere, a couple of his classes where there are no “right” answers and only two grades for a semester-which is making him fearful that he will fail, lose his scholarship, etc. It’s hard for him adjusting to being around all these very smart people-for the first time the one thing he never doubted-his intelligence-he is doubting. He has used the word humbling and stressful more times than I can count. I get these random texts about how stressful college is-etc. We have talked a bit and I am trying to reinforce that he needs to talk to his various advisors and to go talk to his professors.</p>
<p>This is a huge adjustment for all these kids. I will know if and when he needs to come home for a visit and if he does he will. He did come home last weekend (he held to his own three week limit-what a long time, huh?) and as good as it was for all of us, not the least of which his dog-who took her toys out for the first time in three weeks-I wonder if it short-circuited his transition. I don’t know-I do know that he has overcome a lot of social anxiety in his young life and I know he knows when to push himself through his fears. I also know that if he tells me he needs to come home then he needs to come home.</p>
<p>I have said this before and I will say it again-no one knows your child like you do-and what works for me may kill you!</p>
<p>I understand all too well the very fine line between enabling and helping-it’s a tough call and a very individual one.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>EmmyBet, exactly right. I told DS (who’s a very reserved introvert) that going away to college where you don’t know anyone may be a little daunting, but that it offers the opportunity to take stock and decide whether you want to try on new roles. You’re no longer “that kid” from K-12, “that shy kid” or “that nerdy kid” or “that kid” fulfilling whatever role you’ve played among the kids you’ve gone to school with since you were five. If you want to speak up in class, do it. If you want to join a club, do it. If you want to master a skill, do it. He took it to heart and I saw a change in his confidence in the couple of months before he left.</p>
<p>Still, I worry about him; will he make friends? will they be good friends? will he like his classes? will he ask for help when he needs it? But we said our goodbyes on Friday afternoon, and that night I dreamed that I was taking a BASE jumping lesson (from Cesar Milan, oddly; “The Dog Whisperer” had been on TV at the hotel). I was strapped in to a harness and leaning back, eyes closed, from the top of a tower, holding a nylon tether (it was the red tie-down strap we used to keep the boxes from falling off of the hand truck when we moved him in to the dorm). Cesar Milan said, “Let go when you’re ready,” and I did, and it was fine–I didn’t fall. It wasn’t until I was telling my husband about this weird dream and I actually spoke the words–“Let go when you’re ready”–that I got the message I was sending myself. Beats the heck out of those “there’s a test today and I haven’t been to class for thirty years” dreams I sometimes still have. ;-)</p>
<p>This just in- D said that by her count there were 3 ambulances that came to campus last night (other first years said they saw more). She commented that this was a relatively quiet Saturday night with only one smallish party. She knows that one ambulance was called for a first year as it parked right outside freshman dorms at 2 am. She is shaking her head at the poor choices (not being smug, she just has no interest in doing what they were doing). Wow. I guess this freedom is hitting some kids hard.</p>
<p>^Wow! </p>
<p>Today he sun is finally out so off to do some yard work and dog walking.</p>
<p>^ KinderNY</p>
<p>Thank is so sad. Hopefully everyone is ok today. I am hearing from other parents about how freshman are so off the hook with the partying…not at all handling their new found freedom well.</p>
<p>If the issue was that widespread, I suspect measures will be taken…</p>
<p>Another CCer’s student has a roommate who got into so serious trouble with her university because of her binge drinking one night. Her decision made ripples to her coach, the U and her parents…</p>
<p>We all grow–the people I met and was friends with frosh yr, were not the same ones I hung out with soph yr, nor the same Jr yr, nor the same by the time I was a senior</p>
<p>…we told our student to go out and meet people
…and we have been pretty open about how you may not find “your” peeps/BFF the first day…or you might…and how that will change…</p>
<p>Our hope is our kiddo makes the decisions and choices about things on kiddo’s terms…as kiddo’s choice–not by being swayed/fitting in. Didn’t see that kind of behavior in hs so hopefully a strong sence of self and values/choices continues. It is a growing time. ;o)</p>
<p>Hampshire has an interesting approach to drinking/drugs usage on campus. If there is an illegal substance involved (whether due to age- like alcohol- or the thing itself), a student gets ONE medically excused incident. This is to encourage students not to be afraid of reporting someone in apparent trouble. If you report, and you have been partaking too, you get a freebie under the person who needs help’s medical amnesty. If you get medical amnesty, you have to take classes and deal with counseling but no “black marks on your permanent record”.</p>
<p>^ That is wise.</p>
<p>It is so important that it gets reported…</p>
<p>I think our student’s U considers it a safety issue/medical as well to make sure kids who need help get help…</p>
<p>I know several university president’s have instituted similar policies and education at their schools…Tufts comes to mind as they have quite the culture there…</p>