Parents of the HS Class of 2011 - We're awesome!

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
3321

<p>I think Hampshire’s approach is a sensible one. I would guess that more then a few horrible situations would have been avoided across the country if students would know that they wouldn’t be penalized if they reported a seriously drunk fellow student.</p>

<p>Well, you all were so good about reassuring me and offering helpful suggestions for my son. Turns out that right after he and I talked a friend of his invited him to go home with her to their farm in the country. He spent the rest of the day there with her, her boyfriend and her family. They even fed him!</p>

3322

<p>Without wishing for one moment to sound cynical about the description of the outgoing, engaging young woman described in post 3310, I have to say that by my definition it is impossible for anyone to have made ‘three good friends by the end of (move-in) day.”</p>

<p>You can have three people to sit with in the dining hall, three people you’d like to get to know better, three people you feel comfortable with – but not three ‘good friends.’ That comes with time.</p>

<p>Not everyone finds their ‘tribe’ right away but our students seem to be under enormous pressure to make sure that these will be ‘the best four years "of their lives. I’ve had a call like the one Kathiep had with her son - your heart aches because you just want everything to be all right but it takes time. And how much better to have a quiet night alone then to end up at one of those parties in kinderny’s post. And then – happy ending! Kathiep’s boy gets to go to the farm!</p>

3323

<p>Yes, yes, yes, samuck. I know I am inclined often to overthink. Two days ago H asked me if I thought D’s eyes looked “puffy” in her new FB profile pic. Poor guy - we’ve gotten awfully used to worrying about her mood the past few weeks and are looking for ANY information. The punchline? When I told her I liked the new pic (which I do, and I don’t think the eyes look puffy), she told me she took it WEEKS ago, long before she went to school. </p>

<p>I find myself greedy for anything she says that sounds like she is having fun, making friends, etc. I will admit to clinging to 3rd-person hearsay if I can find good news in it. But then of course there are the tidbits that make me worry - like amanda’s son hearing about a mythical crime in his hometown, and H worrying about the look in her eyes. </p>

<p>I do try to pull back as much as I can. D is having her long-awaited fun trip into the city today, and I’ll admit I’m very curious and hoping really hard it’s gone well. Yes, I wouldn’t mind a text that something really cool happened. I’ve asked myself - if there had been texting 30 years ago when I was 1000 miles from home, would I have popped my mom a message, sent my brother a non-sequitur, given my grandmother a spontaneous “I love you” a bit more often?</p>

<p>Yes, I would have.</p>

<p>In our dorm, we had a metal slot in our mailboxes that was just right to stick a small piece of paper in. We also had wipe-off boards on all of our dorm doors (I think they still do that now sometimes). We constantly left each other little notes, little jokes, ideas, questions, invitations. Texts, 1980-style, so to speak. </p>

<p>I was too cheap to send postcards, and I didn’t write home enough, either. Calling was beyond extravagant, unless absolutely necessary. But if these things had been free, and as easy as a text is now? That might have been kind of nice.</p>

3324

<p>kathiep, how neat for that friend to have extended that invitation at that moment–I can imagine that someday your son, sending a kid off to college, will recall that if he gets a similar call from his newly-launched college student and know that good things are always just around the corner. It definitely gave me a smile!</p>

3325

<p>Emmybet - My ds texted us a pic a few wks ago, first time in his uniform, before a game, with his new bud from band. Dh’s first comment - “He looks tired. Is he sleeping enough?” (as if I had the magical answer - but alas the chip/device to monitor his sleep patterns from 350 miles away hasn’t been invented yet) I think it is too funny that it was a pre-college pic! I do hope she had a good day in NYC - bit humid today but at least it hasn’t rained (yet) and that is a fantastic break. I wouldn’t be surprised if this terribly rainy weather hasn’t put a damper on everything else for her. Letter writing is a dying art. I correspond with my college best friend and it is wonderful to get a real handwritten letter in your mailbox. </p>

<p>(But on the flip side, when I found in my mother’s things, some of my handwritten letters from college saved, they were lasting memories of how truly self absorbed I was then, and how hurtful my words must have been to her - and why she kept them so many years is beyond me. I am glad that in this techno age, a text or phone comment that hurts your feelings is easily forgotten or erased. And with my memory issues, I forget within minutes!)</p>

3326

<p>I think the parental worry about sleep might be universal…
it is one of the few things I wonder about…really…is kiddo getting enough sleep? Because of 2 a day practices and classes etc…and I know there is plenty of social life to be had…</p>

<p>As adults we know lack of sleep makes things seem bleaker or more intense…as does a poor diet and too many processed carbs/sugars…</p>

<p>Interesting Amanda about the letters…my grandmother kept some letters I wrote when my mother and I were on particularly bad terms about thigns—made my dad really angry…ah well…I was shocked to find she kept it and they found it when she died…</p>

<p>Perhaps look at it as a nod to that every younger generation does at times in their naiive and sometimes selfish ways say things to hurt others–even or especially their parents…</p>

<p>So do we teach forgiveness and moving on…or do we hold grudges/evidence?</p>

<p>I want my kids to know we are family, we love and disagree, and it is safe to be able to do that…and we don’t keep record of wrongs…</p>

<p>When I have gotten toxic emails from my parents—my dad’s are particularly toxic…I delete such stuff…no sense in holding onto it all…</p>

3327

<p>samuck, I should have put good in quotes. Sorry if I was misleading as this behavior is a source of jest in our household. We’d take two weeks each winter/spring to ski in Western Canada when our kids were younger and enroll them in ski school. ShawD would have a “best” friend the first day and would get together with her until the girl left. The next day she’d have a new “best” friend. We always found humor in this, but she makes and keeps friends. In fact, ShawD and these three girls have been doing things since the first day. I suspect that at least some will discover that they have deeper friends elsewhere. This afternoon, the four of them are returning from a trip to a corn maze (I think, not corn maize) on an island near their school. ShawD also intuitively understood that it is wiser to be friends with kids in lots of groups, which meant that you weren’t beholden to the vagaries of clique membership. </p>

<p>So, of course, these are not necessarily lifelong friends, but ShawD’s ability to deal with people and build relationships is actually quite impressive. She’s much more cautious with guys. There has been fair bit of interest, but I think she’s seen her friends have tumultuous times with boyfriends and is somewhat self-protective.</p>

<p>Then again, she gets a lot of it from her mother, who is also beloved by many. In addition to being very creative, she’s a good person and great with people and literally there are people who will say to her “I’ve been trying to be your friend for years” or have been trying to enter the closer circle. People in stores save stuff for her or give it to her for free on a regular basis. People who’ve shopped in the same store for years will say to her, “I’ve been shopping here for 20 years and no one has every put aside something for me or given it to me for free.” I think ShawD had a good role model. My life has definitely been enriched by ShawWife’s warmth and ease with people. We have as close friends a number of couples who start the relationship because they find me interesting but they stay for many years because of ShawWife. Since I’ve met her, she goes out of her way to bring food to anyone with an illness, return from hospital or other situation, or death (we Jews always bring food for those who have had a loved one die). She taught a course last spring in South Africa and she and her colleagues brought back a talented student and got him a full scholarship to a good art school. We gave him her old computer when she replaced it, we’re helping to provide him with food. And on and on. … We just went to a party for a mentor of mine from 30 years ago. Great man. Famous, brilliant, great heart. But ShawWife bonded with his wife and has done lots of nice things for them as they aged. This woman told me today how much they absolutely loved my wife and told me everyone else loves her too. I could go on with stories like this. My wife will have an enormous funeral and if I were to die first, mine will be truly enormous because of all of the people who want to support her. </p>

<p>So, Samuck, all I can say is, for sure you are right to recognize that no one could make good friends in an afternoon, but from my observation, we’re talking about the upper tail of the distribution of social skills and genuine warmth and some of what happens is pretty surprising (to me and to others) who sees it.</p>

3328

<p>Fogfog, your idea of hitting delete is healthy and wise!! No sense in even giving yourself the opportunity to reread toxic emails/letters/etc. I agree completely, that teaching our children that we do not to keep record of wrongs is part of the definition of family!!</p>

<p>Not quite the same thing, but a discussion of keeping letters brings me back to a story long held in our family. When my father’s younger brother returned home from his first tour of duty in Vietnam (he was there three times) his parents (my grandparents) presented him with every single one of his letters he had written home…which they had taken a red pen and made grammatical and spelling corrections!! Can you even imagine?! He was maybe 20 years old…maybe. He had a GED. I believe there were comparisons made to his brothers and sister who were at West Point, William and Mary, and Georgetown. My uncle went on to serve two more tours in Vietnam AFTER being given a Purple Heart. He felt every time he went someone else wouldn’t have to. He went on to a distinguished military career, going about as high as you can as an NCO (I don’t know much about ranks, sorry). He never, ever wrote another letter home as long as he lived…no matter what war zone he was sent to. My grandparents were not bad people…they only knew what their parents did. My father has many of their traits, because it’s all he knows. In my opinion that’s a small excuse. When I suffer from what my kids call ‘loving too much’ Bluedad reminds them what I grew up with…the legacy I came from. Sometimes in trying to break free from history we go overboard in the opposite direction.</p>

3329

<p>People remember you for the way you make them feel :)</p>

3330

<p>Oh, blue, I laughed and almost cried. What a story. And a great lesson.</p>

3331

<p>^ Seriously EmmyBet! My grandfather was a perfectionist (stenographer, pianist…you get the picture, amazing man, but perfection was the goal) and he thought he was doing my uncle a favor. Well, in the end they simply severed communication from their son, who they dearly loved. Sadly I don’t think they ever understood. </p>

<p>And 2education, you are sooooo right. People will forgive a lot of flaws (thank goodness!) when the basis of how you make them feel is good and the relationship is healthy.</p>

3332

<p>Hi Everyone!</p>

<p>I heard from D today…she has tons of work (she is spending 25-30 hours per week in the studio alone) but she really likes i so far…14 kids have already dropped out of her program. She thinks that there will be more by the end of the semester but she has decided she is going to stick it out. For example, she has a club meeting tonight until 10 and then she will head over to the studio for a couple of hours and then back to her dorm for calc review. So, she definitely isn’t sleeping alot. She said she was paying the price for taking yesterday off from homework…but she said she needed to regroup and recharge after the long week.</p>

<p>I know that my D has been in touch with the entire extended family in some way - txt, phone call and FB. Her cousin got a concussion this week and D has been txting her to check in…her aunt was in a car accident and she reached out to her, she called her grandmother because she had heard she was alone this week, she asked her aunt to meet her for lunch because she works in the same neighborhood as her school…she really likes her roomate as well as some other kids on her floor. She joined a sorority and is making friends in her studio since she spends so much time there…they tend to walk back to the dorms together or grab dinner together because they are there alot. </p>

<p>So, although she is reaching out alot to her family,she isn’t asking for advice. I don’t see it as being a bad thing given the fact that she has alot of other things going on. It is just what she would have done if she was living at home. So I agree with Pepper and Shaw, what works for one kid/family may not work for another…</p>

3333

<p>momofboston~You have raised a wonderful, thoughtful human being :)</p>

3334

<p>I’m catching up on lots of posts and want to extend a hug to all parents who may receive those sad-or-lonely messages from a S or D. It’s certainly hard try and adjust from our old roles as fixers to our new role as cheerleaders and helpful ears. </p>

<p>My dear S2 has been doing so well, but not without a few bumps as is so normal. At least, I’ve only heard about a few, and they have resolved quite well (Roommate would not lock the door when leaving room; one Intro programming class was filled with kids with advanced programming experience, so the prof seemed to skip ahead, leaving my DS2 lost and worried; that sort of stuff.) Good news is he’s found a way to get the roommate to lock the darn door (he posted a not subtle sign on the door and it must serve as a reminder–great), and just got an email from the programming prof (who he met with, wondering if he should drop the course or?) saying he did really well on the first midterm. (I am completely relieved!!!) Anyway, the things that seemed like mountains have smoothed out into just hilly terrain as they go by. I’m so relieved.</p>

<p>The latest situation is he is assigned to work on a theatre production for one of his classes and it started final rehearsals this weekend. He works every night from 6-10pm and this weekend from 10am-10pm each day! This is not so unusual of theatre majors, but it’s his first taste at the university of the intensity of the commitment and he… loves it! He’s tired (hey, he’s moving heavy stage sets), he’s injured (cut his hand, got first aid, no biggie), he’s got a big paper backed up and who knows when he’ll be able to really work on it with this production schedule all week and next weekend, but he said the kids he’s met at the show are all super friendly. I hoped he’d find time to bond with more kids in this major, and being assigned to this production (one of the earlier ones in the cycle) is offering S2 a more natural way to hang with his sort of peeps. </p>

<p>For kids with certain majors, I think these experiences (like arch majors working in the studio all night, or film kids doing 48-hour film jam productions), there is the extra social benefit. I have been hoping, Emmybet, that your D2 may bet cast into a play that she likes and find a cool group to bond with that way.</p>

<p>Adding to the discussion of how our kids adapt, I do believe there is a spectrum of introvert/extrovert and also a social IQ that gives some people an easier time. They do not test for this on the SAT, so we have only real life for our kids to discover the art of making friends OR how a constant social whirl may not be what they truly want.</p>

3335

<p>Blueiguana- Wow. Just wow. Truly inconceivable.</p>

3336

<p>blueiguana, that is a remarkable story. Odd and sad for your uncle. Glad you are trying to break away.</p>

3337

<p>blueiguana, I’m an editor and I just can’t imagine red penciling my child’s letters from a war–or anywhere else. Ouch.</p>

<p>All is good with DS2. Still loving classes, dorm life, suitemates, research project, etc. First two tests were an A and a B+ and all lab work and quizzes have been A’s. I pray it stays that way!</p>

<p>This weekend we move some extra furniture into an apartment for DH. The 75-mile one-way commute is really dragging him down. In the past two weeks, he has had to handle an electrical fire and elevator failures, both of which kept him at the hospital until past 9. That meant he got home after 10. Being director of facilities at a hospital where the former director didn’t function for six months is a challenge. So, the little one-bedroom apartment five miles from work will help him get more rest and make him much less crabby when he comes home on weekends. And I will worry much less about late-night driving and winter driving.</p>

<p>Hope everyone gets to enjoy a beautiful fall week.</p>

3338

<p>S came home this weekend. I was surprised to see him become thinner with all those dining dollars he’s been spending?! He goes to gym twice a week, plays soccer and basketball whenever it’s possible. We went shopping and all he wanted to take back to campus were cheese and crackers, Clif bars and NutriGrain bars. No sweets and this is a boy who used to love cookies/brownies, candies and soda! My care package will be very simple from now on. :wink: I am happy he is eating healthy and it will be even better if he will eat more fruits and vegetables!
S joined a couple of organizations and one of them is paintball. They practice all day on the field every Sunday and he is loving it very much. Something to look forward to every weekend I am sure. He usually eats dinner alone either in the dorm room or cafe downstairs Monday thru Thursday and it does not seem to bother him. He downloaded lots of movies this summer and a few more this time. Movies help him to wind down at end of day he says.
Frats-S says all parties are drinking parties. The night he went to rush policemen came at 12 midnight and all freshmen jumped out of back. Rumor is that there will be students pretending to attend the parties are actually sent by campus police to arrest illegal substance users. The frat S is interested in is not a big one and does not have parties every weekend so the cost is much less but he is not joining it this semester.
When S’s bus arrived our metro area on Friday night he felt he did not live in our town anymore. Other students on the bus felt the same way. This is not their home anymore. (sniff) On the other hand, I feel we were entertaining an out of town guest. We went to football game, went out to eat (he misses Chinese food and has not had one since left for college), went to movie (Cowboys & Aliens) and shopping.
This time is easier, for me, to say goodbye. I know that he is happy where he is at and seems to get the hang of being a college student at this point. H and I are grateful for S1 because we have a HS freshman S2who struggles with math and beats himself up every time he gets a bad grade to take care of! </p>

<p>My thoughts are with all the families…… having kids unhappy, lonely or struggling and I am happy to hear the ones who are adjusting well.</p>

3339

<p>Hi madbean - yes, D’s theatre life is heating up! The first departmental production goes up next weekend, and she’s excited to see it. She’s crewing for the second one in October. Freshmen cannot be cast in mainstage, but they are very involved. They also do a “freshman workshop” play, which her group has started working on. It’s a collaborative process with the profs, and while they have had auditions and rehearsals, they still do not know which play or what role they will have. It’s a big learning experience and will take all semester.</p>

<p>She had a good day in the city, although she’s tired and a little worried about getting her work done. She’s working on a visit weekend with her sister in a couple of weeks. Her weekends are going to get very full, very soon. She also says she’s really enjoying her voice lessons, rebuilding her her technique - hard, but fun.</p>

<p>Hey, who said this was easy? But it’s rewarding - she is very aware of that. And certainly transformative.</p>

3340

<p>Kathiep, so glad to hear your son had a great weekend after all and how nice of the young lady to invite him! </p>

<p>Emmybet, yay for your D finally getting into the city! </p>

<p>Boychild called awhile ago just back from the weekend sailing meet at Dartmouth. They came in 6th out of 9th overall. He said it was a great time but he was tired.</p>