<p>I don’t recall exactly–I know the lawyer set up a trust for the estate, and trustees for the kids. We named three for each document. Two of the trustees for the estate have since passed and the remaining one is not a good money manager (in recent years had made very poor choices) and that relatinship is strained…and relationships with two of the three potential trustees for the kids have changed.</p>
<p>Now having one over 18 helps, though the other has a few years. The lawyer had us make the estate managed by the trustees til the kids hit 25…saying that any sum of money/property for any kid 18-early 20s was a risky thing…</p>
<p>Financially the kids would be ok if they lost us both - it would be about disposal of property, and how the minor would be covered. We keep saying "we have got to address these things…and " then don’t get around to it…
We did make changes in insurance etc last year to cover the kids through college in case something happens. Didn’t want them homeless and unable to go to college.</p>
<p>Emilybee–
It is so so sad. I pray what is so sad and so bad right now, that the kid will have a good life with the dad etc. I pray the court system/legal is compassionate with him.</p>
<p>so onto the ridiculous…
I never gave one twit about the Kardasians and couldn’t figure out why they are famous nor cared…and frankly having the mom do all of the news shows, and talk shows to bolster her daughter’s rep (talk about a sham and making money–millions–)
Can’t the news ignore this drivle…</p>
<p>fogfog, I think the lawyer was wise in that regard. Many kids would not be prudent if they got 6 figures or 7 plunked into an account for them. We have a similar arrangement for a life insurance trust. We also have some other arrangements.</p>
<p>Emilybee - I’m so sorry, that poor boy. My sympathies to your family.</p>
<p>Kinderny - Maybe we should all make that weekend getaway to Kinderhook? I like dogs. </p>
<p>Thank god, my finances are not so great. My kids would have equal rights to the crock pot and kayaks though. Should get that in writing. (sorry, extra guests makes me punchy)</p>
<p>(Day 5 - still no power at my Dad’s and now we have his “boarder” - my niece staying with us for the interim - feeling like a shelter!)</p>
<p>One small suggestion for your young cousin: have everyone who knew his mother write down everything they remember about her, good and bad, big stories and small anecdotes. Memories fade, and it would be a great kindness to a 13 year old boy to capture those memories before they’re gone. </p>
<p>A good time for all of us to make sure that we’ve got things covered if something (heaven forbid) happens to both parents. We heaved a sigh of relief when D1 turned 18, thinking that at least one child was termed out from needing a guardian.</p>
<p>Fine. As long as there are no vegans.* Actually, scratch that. Fine as long as I have more than 45 minutes notice and have time to Google some good vegan recipes (AND don’t have to go to work during the day so have some time to, you know, actually COOK something).</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I resemble that remark.</p>
<ul>
<li> I have to say they have both been charming about my attempts at feeding them. I am sure I have made them self conscious about it because I bring it up all the time, only because I am sooo not confident about finding edible stuff for all. Honestly, if I’d only had a little time to organize it would have been fine.</li>
</ul>
<p>OWM - So good to hear from you! Thanks for the update. I love Anderson Cooper and will try to catch the show.</p>
<p>Amanda - I’m really praying your power comes back on today!!</p>
<p>Kinder - I have to say this again…you are a good soul my dear!! :)</p>
<p>I’m with amanda…not much for my kids to fuss over other than the used cars and the dog. Even so it’s all spelled out to avoid problems. Now that we have two of the three legal adults I breath much easier knowing the plans we had in place should something happen are most likely behind us. I was never, ever, pleased with the guardian situation.</p>
<p>Blame it on the Wegman’s Holiday Entertaining magazine I read the other night but I started stressing over Christmas ‘visitation’… Yes, insane, I know…but it stresses me every year. We have Christmas Eve with DH’s large family and Christmas Day has been traditionally at our house with both sides. This is over 20 people. My neruo put the brakes on this so I suggested just my family…that’s literally three people. Bluedad get’s seriously defensive where his folks are concerned and said No, it would be rude. Um rude, when we see them the night before? He suggested we go to my Mom’s which is 10min away and haul dinner there so he doesn’t have to explain to his parents. Well, that’s just silly IMO. She lives in a condo. Finally I suggested we have Mom & co here on Christmas and then on the 27th his entire family. That was a decent compromise for him. Whew!! The difference is I will not be cooking a huge holiday meal on the 27th…I’ll make a chicken tortilla soup in crock pots (or similar) which will be super easy even for 20 people. My neuro still says no, but somehow one has to keep family peace and the stress of unhappy family members can be worse then the compromise. I felt much better just getting it ironed out. Again, blaming it on the Wegman’s magazine!! ;)</p>
<p>emilybee: I’m so sorry for the loss in your family. The poor 13 year old! I love ST’s suggestion to have family and friends write about his mom.</p>
<p>To those without power: Hoping today is the magical day when power is restored to you and your loved ones (AK)!</p>
<p>You guys are reminding me that we need to re-do our wills. I have never been happy with our guardian situation and, even though we now have 2 who would not require a guardian, the remaining 2 do. I’ve been putting off doing something about this. Need to work on that.</p>
<p>BI: I, too, have begun the holiday stressing. Mine is about my mom and who will be with her on Thanksgiving and Christmas. She lives about 3 hours away in an assisted living facility and, with my dad gone this year, will be alone if I can’t figure something out. For Thanksgiving, I think I may cook our Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday and then take leftovers and pie to her on Thursday. For Christmas, I’m struggling. DH’s family comes to visit us from out of state and spends 4 days or so starting on Christmas Eve. This always worked out okay because after they left, we always headed out to visit my parents. My kids are counting on the traditional visit from DH’s family, but that will leave my mom alone on Christmas Day. Even if DH’s family didn’t come, or came later, I’m not sure I want to spend 6 hours driving back and forth from my Mom’s – selfish of me, I know. And my mom can’t travel, so she’s stuck there. I’m sure my brothers have given no thought to any of this.</p>
<p>It’s early yet ohiomom. I would contact your brothers and suggest you really want to make sure mom’s not alone over the holidays. You will plan to be with her on Thanksgiving this year and let them hash out Christmas. It might work. Dealing with the ‘firsts’, along with the logistics of where parents are, after you loose one parent has got to be very difficult. My thoughts are with you and our other cc friends that are navigating this as we approach the holiday season.</p>
<p>BI
I too am thinking holidays–in part because of kiddo coming home–will be the first time we will be together since August.
Am thinking about the longer Christmas break as well.
decor, gifts,food…
Thats why several pages back I asked if anyone was thinking about special recipes/ideas for holidays…it is on my brain.</p>
<p>I am planning on us being alone/nuclear fam for the holidays…not driving etc. Last Christmas we drove 5 hrs one day, 12 hrs the next…all to see the various grands…</p>
<p>I have one friend whose pre-teens have started decorating–they had stockings up before Halloween…</p>
<p>Ohio - I have similar issues to deal with. I live nearest to my Dad and stop by or bring him over to my house 2-3 times a week. It is a PITA but what can I do? My Father also comes over to eat at my house on holidays. I made clear to my younger brothers, the weekends are their responsibilty. He also has many doctor visits and needs transportation and someone there with him for those. I take him to his primary care and neurologist and told them when his next urologist/dentist/etc visit was scheduled. I asked them to decided between themselves who could get him there. I said to schedule the following visit at their convenience becasue they now owned resposibility for that doctor. They actually stepped up to the plate and I haven’t heard any complaints. OTOH, if your brothers do not step up and help at xmas, you need to let it go. There is only so much you can do, do not beat yourself up over it (although it is hard not to isn’t it?)</p>
<p>We finally did get power back last night! Did a happy dance! 66 hours without power is an experience! Several friends/family around still have no power - we will be hosting a few people at home tonight since we now have a warm house!</p>
<p>Guardians and wills - boy, did we procrastinate on that. Finally got one done a few years ago - H’s brother was the guardian. He has since moved out of the country and we’ve done nothing to fix the wills/guardianship! D doesn’t need one now that she’s 18, but we still need to do something about this for S. Has anyone named their 18 yr old as a guardian for their younger siblings?</p>
<p>Hi Everyone - we just got our power back! Yeah!</p>
<p>Thanks for reminding me that our estate planning needs to be updated now that the kids are coming of age…I too was not happy with guardian arrangements.</p>
<p>i will have anywhere between 20-30 for Thanksgiving this year…the number will firm up in the next couple of weeks…I will begin initial planning this weekend - yikes!</p>
<p>D pulled the trigger and changed her major beginning next semester…she is much happier now that she has made the decision. I think she is finally settling in…ever since she changed her initial friend group and has found like-minded people she seems to be happier…</p>
<p>EB-- So sorry for your loss and all your troubles. My prayers go out to you and your family.</p>
<p>DS is home for the week, and we are enjoying his visit. I think he’s wishing it was a longer visit, but he’s glad to be through mid-terms. He’s working so hard at school, but says he’s having fun too. I think there will be homesickness for all of us when he heads back on Sunday.</p>
<p>So happy to hear about the power being restored!</p>
<p>Yeah for power!! We lost power for almost 3 days once in the summer. No problem with staying warm…but we have a well and when we lose power, we also lose water. That means no flushing, no showers, no dishwashing, etc. Once you’ve been through a long outage, you really appreciate having power!!</p>
<p>BI: I’ll suggest that my brothers cover Christmas, but they live farther away than I do. When my parents made the decision not to move close to any of us when they bought into a retirement community, I really tried to talk them out of it. They wanted to stay close to their friends, a few siblings who were living at the time, and their church. In the past few years, their siblings have passed away, my mother can no longer get to her church, and their friends have other priorities. My brothers are of the opinion that this was my parents choice, so my mom will live with the consequences. It bothers me to think of her sitting alone on a holiday, but doesn’t seem to bother them. As my brother once told me, “You’re not going to guilt me into visiting.” Okay! It’s hard, isn’t it mamom??</p>
<p>momofboston: I’m glad to hear your daughter is settling in and feels good about her major change!</p>
<p>arisamp: We haven’t looked into having one of the older sons being the guardian of the younger ones, but I’ve thought about it. A complication for us is that our youngest has some developmental delays and we’re not sure (but hoping, of course) that she will be self-supporting in the future. I would hate to burden one of my older kiddos.</p>
<p>fogfog: We have our family traditions and tend to to many of the same things year after year, even as the kids have gotten older. We’ve adjusted the time table on some so that we can include the college sons. For example, we always make a gingerbread house (not as elaborate as amandak’s!!) and, even though they’re older, they still all participate. I think it’s the lure of the candy. We’ll do that during Thanksgiving week while everyone is at home. We always cut a live tree down and drag it through the woods, too. The place where we go has a huge woodburning fireplace and there are hot dogs and marshmallows to cook over the fire and the makings of s’mores, so that’s part of the tradition. We’ll wait to decorate our tree until the college boys are home. That will drive the youngest crazy, as the tree won’t be decorated until the 22nd. As for food, I do a buffet of appetizers and soups on Christmas Eve after church. On Christmas morning we have brunch and then I cook a big meal (usually turkey) for dinner. Lots and lots of cookies. And we usually have a cake – which started out when the kids were very small as a birthday cake for Jesus. I’m not sure what kind I’ll make this year – I try something new every year.</p>
<p>Oh God, you reminded me, the gingerbread house needs to be planned, submissions for the holiday gingerbread showcase are due in a few weeks. I’ve never made it in but last year I said I would this year. (ha, running joke on myself - must learn to never commit to anything outloud). Re: wills - yes, the guardianship was always the sticking point, who would have room for 4 kids was the issue and if they were already kid-ready (= good candidate) they’d have their own and woudn’t be able to squeeze out room for 4 more. Really noone in my family is both stable and not wacky in my family. Wacky we have in abundance. But who gets the dogs, that would also be a tough one too. </p>
<p>Anyway, ds did meet up with she-who-must-not-be-named and it is a funny story. Ended with her tracking down where the buses were loading after the game, boarding his bus as it was going to leave, her announcing to everyone that she needed to speak to him and him (in shock) going off the bus to say goodbye while the entire bus watched. Very dramatic. </p>
<p>Ohiomom - I know the feeling about the holiday plans and the “firsts” - and how siblings don’t seem to have this on the radar at all. Of course, he’s with me and I wouldn’t have it any other way (no commute mind you!) but the sibs? All with many other plans for each and every holiday (again, wackiness), avoidance is their drug of choice. I always wonder how they don’t think Thanksgiving and Christmas are supposed to be spent with family and not really their friends? Did I grow up in a different house?</p>
<p>MOB: I’m glad to hear that your daughter is happy with her major decision and new friends. Many of D1’s friends changed majors, and it is easier to make the decision on the early side.</p>
<p>Ohiomom: I understand your worries about your mother. It sounds like you are very good to her. Will her facility have a Christmas dinner that she can attend? You could go the next day and celebrate with her. My in-laws moved to Florida full-time several years ago, and within a year my FIL was too infirm to travel. Their children and grandchildren try to visit as often as possible, but they’re still alone a lot of the time. My H and his sister have tried to convince them to move back here, but they’re pretty stubborn. It seems like everyone I know is dealing with these types of issues.</p>
<p>I remember the amazing gingerbread house! Think how far we have come since then!</p>
<p>The aging parent thing is tough. My mom moved close to us. She is still healthy and is very involved with us all in a good way. H’s parents have chosen to stay in their home far away; it’s too much for them and travel is difficult. With two careers and busy kids (and a diabetic dog), we don’t see them much. They are welcome to move closer to us, but chose not to, so I don’t allow myself to feel guilty about it. This Christmas, H may travel there, accompany them here, and then escort them back. My year end is terrible at work and D will want to stay home for break so holiday has to be here.</p>
<p>When my mom does need help (and we all will someday), she is 5 minutes away. My brother would be of little help even if he was here too, so I am glad the logistics will be easy with my mom. It’s going to be an absolute nightmare when H’s folks have another significant health issue or are forced to move. </p>
<p>My health allowing, my gift to my kids will be downsizing to a manageable place near enough to one of them to be helpful to them and then, later, not too much of a worry. </p>
<p>Our guardian is my local mom. Back up guardian is dear neighbor (who is in charge of the money). Money (beyond living expenses) would be doled out in chunks at 25 and 30. No fun to think about!</p>
<p>AK and Ohiomom: the holidays can get so complicated! I grew up as an only with no family nearby (heck, I’m not even sure I’ve met all of my first cousins. I know I haven’t seen any of them in over twenty years. My dad just wasn’t/isn’t interested.) The three of us had Thanksgiving in a restaurant, and Christmas was over by 10am. So when I married my very family oriented husband, I knew I would not be capable of managing the intricacies of multiple family holidays. We compromised: now, we have Thanksgiving with local friends and travel to or host a big gathering with H’s family at Christmas. No one seems to hate me, and I stay sane. Also, it’s really fun to be able to 'collect the strays" and make a group of unanchored/far from home/etc. people happy at Thanksgiving without subjecting them to drunk Uncle George and nasty family fights over politics. We’re hoping that D will bring home some of her international suite mates this year!</p>
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