<p>Creekland: Because tests tell us how smart our kids are? My S. has always been a bad test taker, but if you have an intelligent conversation with him you would realize he is a bright, thoughtful, and opinionated kid who is far from mediocre.</p>
<p>Hi all, just checking in. We came back from a very eventful football game at the hs. We will continue to be season pass holders, since it is a community thing. Since it was Labor Day weekend, lots of kids are either coming home to get together or making road trips to see friends. DS is road tripping to see his gf and many of his friends. </p>
<p>While we were at the game we heard news that the mother of one of DS classmates passed away suddenly. It was hard for all of us, and I just can’t imagine how this poor girl will handle school. </p>
<p>The question was asked about latch-key kids, and I certainly was. DS was in a way, though normally he was at rehearsal until we could pick him up. I think he is self-sufficient, but he does keep in contact for now. I expect he will reduce the texts as he maneuvers through things.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I’m sorry your daughter didn’t get into the dance group she wanted.</p>
<p>My D is having a more-difficult-than-expected transition. She’s feeling stressed and a bit overwhelmed, and she says she’s intimidated (academically) by many of the other students. OTOH, she loves her dorm and likes her roomie, and I think when a few more weeks pass, D will adjust well. It will also help when the heat subsides; D has been getting bad headaches, which I think are partly due to walking so much on the hilly campus in the hot weather (well, that and stress!). I honestly didn’t think she would have a rocky transition, because she’s super outgoing and bubbly, but she has VERY HIGH expectations for herself and wishes she didn’t feel so anxious about achieving everything right off the bat. I have a similar personality and always hated being told to “chill,” so I’m just encouraging her to take everything in small chunks and try to stay as patient as possible. I reminded her that the first semester is tough for everyone.</p>
<p>Having said that, her twin brother, who was much less social than she was for most of their lives, is thriving. He’s worked on the campus for over a year, so even though he’s a freshman, he is extremely familiar with everything. In addition, he has dozens of friends from his science/tech HS who attend Maryland with him.</p>
<p>One funny thing is that D’s boyfriend is also her twin brother’s friend (that’s how they met). Boyfriend is a sophomore at Maryland. Now that my twins are there, boyfriend seems to spend half his time hanging out playing D&D with my son and the other half taking my D all over the campus to events. Their presence has surely affected his college life!</p>
<p>Re: latch key kids, I had a SAHM and have been a SAHM for my own kids (well, I run a business with my husband, but we work from home). I’ve always sheltered the kids quite a bit, because my German mom grew up in a Waldorf School environment and I share the philosophy about taking things slow. The kids were in private school until high school, at which point my 2016 daughter continued in an all-female Catholic private HS (my 2016 son and 2020 daughter attend/ed a science/tech magnet public HS). </p>
<p>I’m not super helicoptery, because I prize self-reliance and accountability, but I do stay in communication with my children a LOT. My sibs and I have a daily e-mail chain that typically reaches 75 messages in a day, and I talk to my parents for probably 30-60 minutes every night. In that vein, my sibs have put my college kids and a college cousin on one of our e-mail threads, so we have lots of e-mails going on even now that they’re away from home. My kids know that if they feel overwhelmed with all of the chitchat, they can remove themselves from the thread.</p>
<p>Good morning all. Checking in to collect my BINGO letters. DD is happily settled in the dorm. Likes her roomate although they will not likely be besties. She likes her advisor and has a plan for registration which is this AM. Stress will come next week with first classes and auditions. She has been in touch by text or phone everyday and I get reports from big sis.</p>
<p>I was also a latch-key kid - in a neighborhood where that was rare. I went to good, but very overcrowded public schools. When my kids were little I worked at a corporate job with lots of travel. We had a live-in nanny when they were very young because our schedules sometimes meant both parents away from home at night. When the DCs hit middle school I started working as a consultant out of the house so I had a lot more flexibility with my time and could be available in those moments when they wanted to talk. My DCs went to great public schools for the early years. We then moved to a college town where the schools have a big political agenda, no academic accountability, and a system that is all about keeping the teachers happy. My DCs opted out and went to a local BS as day students for HS. Fantastic academics, superb caring and involved teachers, great EC opportunities. They had to manage the crazy BS schedule, add on a half hour commute each way, and advocate for themselves as one of the few who did not live on campus and could not come to 8PM study sesion on short notice. They certainly learned independence. </p>
<p>I did talk with D1 last year about a roomate issue. One of her suitemates got very drunk and out of control one night. When they tried to help her she got threatening. D1 took care of the situation through meetings with the RA/RD. She called to ask for advice - but made her own decisions.</p>
<p>It is sometimes hard to find that balance between providing support and letting them make their own mistakes, but all we can do is try.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Well, if youngest is a bad test taker, it only started once he started high school. As stated, he was TOP 99th percentile in English and 85th going IN to high school (using a standardized test). The one subject he does far extra in on his own - Biology - he also finished in the top 9% on our state test (no closer designation than that - he was Advanced and the only 9% of students statewise tested Advanced, FAR less than 9% at our school). He took the PLAN test last year and finished top in his school for most categories, but middle of the pack nationally. He also took the PSAT and finished middle of the pack (they don’t compare within the school like PLAN does).</p>
<p>A few students are legitimate bad test takers, but quite honestly, it’s rare. In any event, he’s not one of them. Neither are the other top kids at our school. They just are poorly prepared (material they learn doesn’t go deep enough). They know the material they get very well - hence the > 4.0 GPA. They just don’t get deeper material. We only have a couple of designated AP classes and most kids don’t take the test. Those who do (1 or 2) tend to get 1s or 2s unless they do a huge amount outside of class on their own.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Be sure the school and her teachers know. Sometimes we don’t get info until later or through kids. I do feel for her, but with proper concern, kids make it. It will be tough for a while though. She has my sympathies.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree! Kids are resilient. We don’t have to be right 100% of the time just as our parents weren’t. I think we’re sometimes harder on ourselves than we need to be.</p>
<p>Last I heard from DS was Thursday when he asked if I could help him find a replacement for his Ethics class, which had a killer syllabus. He seems to still be in the class and I don’t know if he couldn’t find a compatible replacement or if he decided to tough it out. He is my heavily slanted toward math and science kid so any humanities, literature or arts type class will be tough for him. The class would be good for him, educationally but bad GPA/academically. </p>
<p>I hope soon to get some positive communication.</p>
<p>As of tomorrow we are two weeks in and this mom is having a hard time adjusting. Very emotional, miss the day to day contact and just life in general. I do know that this is what S worked so hard for and he is doing what he should be doing at this point in his life.</p>
<p>Never, ever imagined I would feel such a sense of loss and miss everything as much as I do. I was talking to another mom who has a D at the same school and graduated w/ my S and she said she feels like she got fired.</p>
<p>I think I would feel a lot better if there was more contact initiated by S. But on the other hand he is extremely busy. New people, classes, living arrangement-everything. We were very close because it was me and him for almost 19 years. I guess I just feel left behind and not as big a part of his world anymore. I don’t want to lose that closeness.</p>
<p>To my knowledge he is coming home for a little bit this weekend and I don’t want to become an emotional mess on him. He doesn’t deserve that. He is doing exactly what he should be doing. I just feel like we really need to connect again. I have always been so proud of him (still am) but knew what was going on in his world. Have to get used to the fact that I won’t know nearly as much as I did before.</p>
<p>Anyone else having a hard time? (Please don’t tell me to get a hobby-focusing on me right now just seems to make me sadder).</p>
<p>NervousNellie1, I feel for you. I only have one child, my son. The last year has been a prep for this year as he was often off with his friends and GF and mostly did not have dinner with us. </p>
<p>I would txt my son during this past year a lot to communicate and start with “Checking in, will you xyx… or did you know zzz…” </p>
<p>When you see him, ask him if you could txt him as something you think or see comes up which would be something that you would normally tell him if he was home. Texts like emails do not demand instant attention so he can text you back when he gets a chance, even if it is only an “OK”.</p>
<p>Nellie - I’m sorry you’re still feeling out of sorts. A friend of mine sent her son off to school last year and this kid was VERY close to his mom - not that mine isn’t, but not like this. He didn’t call her for a month. I think kids have to do this to get themselves independent. </p>
<p>I can’t say we’ve found our new normal yet, but life goes on whether we’re ready or not. I just keep reminding myself that he is doing what we planned and hoped for his entire life. </p>
<p>I look forward to every contact, every text and every promise of a phone call. We talked a couple times on Monday to talk about what the advisor said, how it was going and what classes he’d register for, then he called me afterwards to tell me he registered. I asked for a call this weekend and we texted a couple of times this week. He is obviously immersed in what he’s doing - as it should be. I keep focusing on that and not us. </p>
<p>This week I got my nails done, had a night out with the girls and tonight I’m going to a party. I also have a daughter still at home and she takes up a lot of energy - lol. </p>
<p>However this week as hubby and I pulled into the driveway he saw son’s car in the driveway and he said for a split second he was all… S is home! then realized instantly he wasn’t. He even got a little teary with me last weekend - he really misses his buddy. So I obsessively think about, I wonder what he’s doing now, talk to hubby about him all the time and even his sister is now telling funny stories I never knew about the two of them. For instance many years ago S got fed up with D and locked her in the dogs cage and turned it towards the wall. </p>
<p>We see him in about a month for a long weekend. We’ll probably cling too tight. I’m thinking over time it will just become our new normal.</p>
<p>I text, email and call when I need to or want to. I don’t get too hung up on maybe I am intruding. I have D2’s class schedule, so I don’t contact her during class time. I don’t call after 11pm or before 10am, but I’ll send an email or text if I need something.</p>
<p>Yesterday I felt something maybe kind of off, so I called around dinner time. It turned out to be right after D2 just had her get together with the dance troupe she got into. She just bursted out crying on the phone. She really didn’t click with the girls in the troupe. There wasn’t much I could say or do, except to let her cry. I am one of few people she would ever cry with, never to her friends. Last night before I went to bed, I emailed her to ask if she wanted us to come up for a visit. This morning when I woke up, there was an email waiting for me to let me know she was feeling a lot better after her cry and it wasn’t necessary for us to come.</p>
<p>D1 is working and living 10 minutes away from us. We call each other up whenever we have a moment at work, and if we are busy we’ll just say so. She’ll call me at night on her way back home sometimes. We see her maybe once a week for dinner at our place. She is in Europe on vacation with her boyfriend now. She is staying in touch by sending us pictures and emails sometimes. Last email she sent was a picture of grilled shrimp and lobster (my favorite food), and “I miss you.” I knew what she meant - we’ve taken so many trips to Europe, the food reminded her of us.</p>
<p>I say, stay in touch, but just don’t get upset when they don’t respond. Second time around, I know at some point you’ll strike a balance with your kid which is right for both of you. It takes time to adjust because it feels like a hole which can’t be filled. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I am shipping a couple things to D this morning so I think I get a BINGO letter for that. She tried to call when I was about to head into a work meeting and told me she needed help filling out some forms. We tried to coordinate schedules with difficulty. I told her to call me when she got a chance and we could take care of it. There are pics showing up on Facebook of her with young women from her dorm. She is smiling brightly. </p>
<p>That helps a lot. Off to the post office!</p>
<p>Pinot: Thanks for the well wishes. We moved S2 in yesterday. Our friends have a frosh at JHU, and I was praying our move-in would be like theirs, but no luck. S2 is in a 9-floor building, with 2 elevators! Needless to say, it was a very slow go. I won’t go into details, but Loyola could be more efficient in the process. We survived, and thanks to S1, he ran 6 flight of stairs up and then down about 7 times, carrying stuff up so S2 could get started on the process, while I waited with everything else. Can’t complain about the “digs”; it’s an apartment-style, 2 in a room, 4 guys total, wonderful dining, kitchen, pantry, common area, and only sharing a bath with 3 others is nice! Have not heard much from him since, as they are busy with orientation “stuff” and will drop off food and the “forgotten” items this afternoon and say final goodbyes before we head back to San Diego. Very nice folks out here, and he is ready. I don’t think I will be as emotional as I thought, which will be good for him. I am excited for him to “start” and to experience college. I am looking forward to all of the tales and stories he will share. I have a feeling of peace and a bit of envy for him!! :)</p>
<p>NervousNellie, I really understand what you are feeling! Maybe it would help you if you try and focus on the fact that he is doing really well and isn’t in touch because he is busy and happy. Imagine how awful it is to have a child who is miserable and lonely. I would take the lack of communication over that any day! I am not trying to say you are wrong to feel sad, but that is just part of the process. Your relationship sounded wonderful before and I bet it will come back to that as soon as he is settled and on a schedule.</p>
<p>gradygrad: I am one with you re: 70s latchkey kid evolution into zealous, detail-oriented parent. When my D was little, a longtime family friend overheard me tell D to eat her peas. The friend said she was quite certain that no one ever told me to eat my peas growing up. In addition to the impact of divorce, I think the sad underbelly of our mothers’ generation of feminism is that, at least in my own mom’s case, being a mother was not a point of pride. She did the best she could, and there was never any question of her love, but she was focussed on finding herself, not on paying attention to the “domestic arts” or nuanced emotional lives of her children. I think so-called attachment parenting is a reaction to the detached, benign neglect era of parenting. I have strived to give my D a healthy dose of freedom…but not as much as I had because I think there’s benefit/comfort from structure. </p>
<p>But speaking of peas…D sent 3 texts today from the Burlington farmers’ market detailing all of the maple products and saying she wants to take us there when we visit in October. I wept with happiness and gratitude. Grateful for the connection, that it’s a two-way street of still wanting to share everyday experience.</p>
<p>So if we helicopter because we are from the era of more detached parenting - what will the next generation bring? </p>
<p>My mom could have easily fit into Betty Drapers circle of friends from Mad Men. I wasn’t a latch key kid, my mom was from a little earlier era of stay at home moms. However, my hubby had a very hippie like mom who even went so far as to not put a kitchen in the new home they built out in the country - it was the corner of the family room. His reaction was to learn how to cook well, do laundry and clean. I had everything taken care of for me so I didn’t learn all that stuff til I lived on my own.</p>
<p>I can hardly wait to hear what this next generation of kids makes of how they were parented.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You might be right… I know I tried to give my boys the family experience I didn’t have after my folks divorced.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Back to the 60’s, but with technology? It will be interesting to see.</p>
<p>No contact now from middle son for almost 48 hours for me, but this was posted on his FB page (youngest told us):</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think he’s doing just fine. ;)</p>
<p>Knowing he’s happy definitely makes missing him easier, but I’m still in adjustment stage - less to cook, less laundry, all sorts of supposedly “good” things, but not necessarily so at this stage. It still seems weird. The good news is youngest - who seemed terribly stressed out before middle left - appears to have adjusted just fine now that the time has actually come. I’m also hoping staying in contact with middle will give him the inspiration to start caring about the tests since he has to get motivated outside of school to actually do well on them - and he has to do well on them to afford college.</p>
<p>We’ve received one phone call and a few texts in the first week. DD has her class schedule all worked out and sounds very happy. Maybe we can figure our the Skype thing later in the fall :)</p>
<p>We’re launched. Smooth move-in (Private schools! Sheesh!), great roomie, roomie’s parents are great (dads are already planning to golf here someday). D is having fun but still my sweet wussy girl–at family bbq whispered that she wanted to go home. So of course I felt teary all the way back to the hotel. Then got a text “I made some friends!” Which is a little inside joke because when she was little and made a friend anywhere she run up to me and tell me just like that. So, feeling better.</p>
<p>Overall have been happy with communication from D these past 2 1/2 weeks; several
emails, couple phone calls, and pretty decent amount of texting back and forth. </p>
<p>Email 2 days ago stating she’s going to a friends’ family in Asheville for long weekend; she had debated whether to come home (“I miss you guys but I love it up here!”) but also said “remember, you told me I couldn’t come home for 3 weeks”. I’m fully prepared for a firestorm of responses and opinions from other parents, but I felt like her “job” was
to become a student at her college and figure out what she’s going to do with unstructured time. For her, time management is something that has to be learned and implemented! </p>
<p>I’d love to see her, but I’m very glad she’s seemingly happy and making friends and doing things just as I’d expect her to do. Now the big debate is do we go visit during Parent’s weekend or wait until it’s not quite so chaotic (and expensive in local hotels!!!)…</p>
<p>Jaylynn - was thinking of you and your D today. Hope your D makes lots of new friends. If she meets a local girl who is kind of quiet and rides horses that is my D’s best friend!</p>