I don’t know why I have gotten out of the habit of posting on this forum! I do love reading the updates, and have always found this group to be so helpful and supportive. I guess I’ve just been shifting from the angst of decision time, to acceptance of the decision…now to settle in to this new life…empty nest…which, so far, hasn’t been as hard as I thought…so far.
D’s communication seems to come in spurts. If I happen to catch her to chat of Facebook, that means she has time, and I actually get a little conversation. Other times I text, and may not get any response…something I am actively trying to remedy. Just respond already! Lol. Hopefully we’ll get that sorted out. But it is because she’s been really busy…and seems happy, and I am very relieved about that!!!
I do have one secret weapon…we have an app on our phones and on D’s that lets us see each other’s location. She knows it’s there, but I doubt she thinks about it. When I haven’t heard from her for a while, I can just click the app and I can tell if she’s at her dorm, or in a classroom building etc. it just makes me feel a little more connected. I suspect that habit will diminish over time.
@tranquil218 I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your fathers illness. My mom passed earlier this summer (graduation weekend). In a way I think it may have helped out the ‘going away to college’ thing in perspective…but it did feel like a lot of loss all at once. I think when I feel the most emotional now is when I can’t share news about my D with her.
@albert69. LOLOLOL. Well, thanks for “coming out” and letting us know more about your true identity! It does make sense, but I can see how it would get challenging to post.
@shoboemom Thanks for taking my news with a laugh (“coming out” haha), I was worried everyone would be distrustful of me because I’d done that. I wasn’t thinking of actively pretending to be a guy when I first made my screen name, and I didn’t start trying to pass myself off as a guy, but I didn’t correct posters who referred to me with a male pronoun, so it seemed like I had to after awhile.
I can’t imagine not communicating that much with my mom… she’d go nuts. Our family is just structured differently I guess. Well, now that y’all know I’m a girl, you’ll get a kick out of this - I really freaked out my parents one night a couple weeks ago because I sent them a hangouts message saying I was going to help a guy with his calculus homework and I’d be back to my room in a bit. Thing is, they didn’t know where I was going to be with him or who the guy was, and I’d accidentally left my cell phone in my room. I didn’t go to his room or anything (I’m not that stupid!); we met in the lounge area and looked at the problem. Then we got into a conversation (not about calculus) that lasted well over an hour… and the whole time, my parents were freaking out because I wasn’t answering their messages or calls and thinking I’d been abducted and … you get the idea. So I got back to my dorm room and found a bunch of messages and my phone was ringing off the hook. My mom and dad were REALLY mad and upset, understandably. I felt sooo stupid… since then I’ve been a lot more careful to keep my cell phone with me and say who I’m with if I tell them I’m going someplace.
In the dark ages, parents weren’t in constant contact with their kids while they were at college. I think I talked to my parents twice during my first semester, both times to arrange transportation home at the end of the semester. I rarely call my kids but try to answer whenever they text me. They call when they have time. Slowly you need to break your parents of knowing where you are every second of the day.
Every family is different in how often communication occurs, and how it happens. When I went to college, I spoke to my parents every Sunday, but not more, so that I could keep the phone bills down. My S’12 hardly communicated. My D’15 and I text every day and we talk/facetime once a week (mostly so she can see the aforementioned dog since he cannot yet text.) Sometimes she initiates, sometimes I do. I know families who text often throughout the day. Yes, it’s much different than it was in the Dark Ages. But, every family has to find their own way through it.
Albert - I think it’s great that you like talking to your family. They will get used to the idea, over time, that you are not on-call at anytime. You should not call yourself stupid for forgetting your cell phone. I’m sure you feel badly you put them through some angst. In time, the expectation that you are available to chat or text at anytime will diminish.
After not a lot of contact the first few days he was there, S has started to call me to talk through things as he always did at home. He is a think out loud kind of kid on some things and I have always been his sounding board. He called twice yesterday!!! I am not expecting that as much as he gets settled, but it was nice to hear his voice :).
His roommate is gone all the time studying and he says all the kids on his hall have just been partying. He says he feels like he and his roommate have done more school work so far than anyone else. I told him when he is relaxing in a couple of weeks because he is on schedule with everything… the partying hall mates will be freaking out as they realize that they are behind!
I got to visit DD’14 and DS’15 at college last week. It was sooo good to see them. They guest swiped me into DD’s house cafeteria and I have to say, I’m jealous of their food . They both seem very happy and busy and we had a great time chatting. DS asked me to bring a couple of things up and I also made some cookies for them which did this mom’s heart good.
As to communication…neither kid has ever been much for texting or talking on phones, not even with their friends. (When they were in high school I’d occasionally get calls on our landline from a friend asking me to tell them to check their phone!) But I hate talking on the phone too, so they get it honestly. Now DD still doesn’t contact us very often. If I haven’t heard from her in a week I might text her “proof of life?” and she’ll text me back, lol. But I’m OK with that. Maybe being only 45 minutes away makes me more comfortable, I don’t know. We have been more on the “free range” side of parenting styles all along so that’s definitely a factor.
But I’ve been surprised by how often DS texts home. No problems, just random thoughts and asking about home. He’s by far the more social one but I don’t think he’s lonely there, by all the activities he’s thrown himself into. They’re just such different kids!
Feeling so so blessed to see them settled and growing so much.
@albert69 and to all you parents, too: there is an app called “Kitestring” which is a great one for staying safe on campus or anywhere. When you are going in to a potentially risky situation-whether walking across campus alone at night or meeting up with someone you don’t know-you enter an alert in Kitestring. You can also use it for every day life regardless of whether you are on a college campus-for example, walking home after a shift at work or from a friends house late at night. It is even good to use if you are driving somewhere-I encountered someone REALLY sketchy at a rest stop once. I input a message with a description of individual, his beat up truck, and his license plate number. I felt better knowing the information was there if something happened to me. As I headed off down the highway after my stop, I cancelled the alert-and no one ever needed to worry about me.
The alert requires that you follow up in a set amount of time-say 15 minutes-and if you don’t, then it sends a message out to whoever you designate as your emergency contact person (roommate, RA, parents, spouse, etc) with information you would have entered when inputting the alert which tells where you were headed and who you were going to see. It is quick and simple and easy. IF everything goes well, you just turn off the alert and no one needs to know or have worried ,but in the event you do encounter something of concern, it sends a message on your behalf if you don’t tell it not to.
@dowzerw That is a great idea except that I don’t have a smartphone/iphone, so I can’t get apps on my phone. But if I ever get one I’ll be sure to get that. Thanks for the tip!
@albert69 I didn’t realize not all phones have smartphone capabilities. I know a few years ago it seemed like they were really squeezing out phones that were just phones. Maybe there was push back. Sorry it wasn’t such a great idea after all.
D15 just called while I was reading this thread! Nice, she just came out of a test and wanted to touch base, and to tell me that the youth leaders from our church are coming down to take her and some other students from our church to dinner. Nice perk of being 80 miles from home.
The “loss” of constant contact and text has been hard for me, I used to know exactly where she was and what she was doing and this has been a dramatic change. And while we have always been so close, she seems to be enjoying this freedom a little too much, and it hurts my feelings. She will answer all text, (so far), even if it is just a “yes” or an “I am busy”. I know she is happy, I would be hearing from her more if she weren’t, and I trust her to “make good choices” but this is hard. ~~So thankful for this thread to know I am not alone.
@shoboemom thanks for checking in and I am glad to her that you are both doing well.
Not having her at home is easier than I expected, although I did make 13year old son go to the grocery with me yesterday, something she used to enjoy, (he on the other hand asked if he could stay in the car)
D texts me about random things. This morning it was to ask for some e-mail addresses and how many references is standard for a resume she is putting together. I did have to tell her that she couldn’t text me before 6 am my time on weekdays and 7:30 am on weekends! One of the drawbacks of being in different time zones.
Tranquil218 I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and what you are going through with your dad. Glad D is doing well.
Albert your parents sound like me.
D is settling in. She had a rough start ( small fish/big sea) but thankfully is doing much better. She joined 3 clubs/organizations that can get her very involved if that’s what she wants. She loves her roommate and suite mates and loves her classes. She does get home sick but continues to improve, so right now I feel as though she is progressing nicely. Parent weekend is in two weeks and I am looking forward to it. Tomorrow she gets to do some hospital volunteering and is very excited.
I have a co-worker who’s son is living at home for his 1st 2 years of school. She said she is trying to treat him like she would if he was away at college, but it’s hard! She said she gets home and goes on autopilot and asks if he’s finished his homework.
My D has contacted me every day since we dropped her off. Sometimes, she’s looking for help with something (mom, think of a solution for me, please, for this problem that I unnecessarily made!), but sometimes its sweet (she told me her friends all think I’m awesome; she posted a picture of me on her Instagram and said she aspires to be like me); sometimes she sends me a picture. It’s good to know that she’s alive and well, although I don’t expect it to continue, especially as now she has a job, too.
Sent first care package today (I left her two weeks ago). Her HS yearbook came in so I sent that along with a voter registration form (she just turned 18), forgotten insurance card and some goodies - pods for her coffee maker, Amish “fry pies”, tea, stuff like that. It was fun to send though I didn’t decorate it or do anything scrapbook-ey to it, as I recently learned it is entirely possible to do
Here’s a question: D just texted me to ask if one of her high school friends can ride down to school this weekend with me for parents weekend. I was pretty lukewarm on the idea, first because I am not fond of the friend, possibly because she barely talks to me when I see her. I doubt she will say more than 10 words to me on the entire four-hour trip. Plus, I was hoping to have some time with just D and maybe her roommate. This will change the dynamic a lot. It will have been five weeks since I dropped her off and it is a weekend primarily planned for parents and their kids. Anyhow, am I being selfish or should I just say no?
You are in a tough spot. Your daughter is now a legal “adult” and for all of us, it means learning that we are no longer in charge of the choices they make. You could gently express that you were looking forward to that time with her but if she ultimately stands firm that she wants the friend piggy backing on your visit, I think you have to go with it. Of course, you are not obligated to give the friend a ride and subject yourself to the discomfort, but this is a step in the transition you are in in your relationship with your adult child. I hear you, I feel your pain, and I find myself having to remind my husband he can no longer ground our 23 or 20 year olds!
My mom told my brother he couldn’t buy a motorcycle and continue to live in her house, and he was in his twenties, after college. He caved and lived there until 26.
You can only “ground” your adult kids if you have some sort of bargaining chip. And I am working with my adult kid to teach him “do what you want, but in the real world, there are consequences if you don’t play nice with people in charge”.
Yes. I try to have their be direct connections-if you don’t pass your courses, we won’t pay for your car insurance." “If you want to take your friends out on our boat, there may be no underaged drinking”. My husband still tries to say, “Its a weeknight so you need to be in by 11”. I agree we can provide some direction about curfew but I don’t think we can be high school level conservative to a 20 or 23 year old.
. They both seem very happy and busy and we had a great time chatting. DS asked me to bring a couple of things up and I also made some cookies for them which did this mom’s heart good.
