<p>Ha, I enjoyed the music jokes. S was at a bass workshop this summer at Curtis at the same time the bassoonists were there. They seemed like a fun bunch, and they all wore their basson backpacks everywhere–never saw them without it! This was funny to me, because the bass players (obviously) don’t just sling their instrument on their back and carry it with them at all times ;).</p>
<p>Suzy, sorry D is so stressed about the SAT.</p>
<p>PN, I love that. No double reed players in this family but I have an unhealthy love for those instruments. </p>
<p>Welcome newtoday and mittentigger. Newtoday, I’ll respond to your post in a separate post. </p>
<p>Suzy, that may have been a miserable, anxious moment and she’ll feel better today as things go back into a more manageable rhythm. I hope she feels better and I know your unwavering support is just what she needs. She’ll probably feel a lot more confident making the decision to take the test on her own, knowing that you won’t force her to do it if she doesn’t feel ready. </p>
<p>Here’s our new problem. My D has a first and last name that is not particularly common and as luck would have it there is a girl in her class whose name combination is very, very close to hers. The other girl’s name is first on the alphabetized list and as a result people looking quickly think this girl is my daughter. She’s had notes from teachers put in this girl’s box, notices from school sent to the other girl, school bookstore accounts mixed up with money deposited for my daughter’s account attributed to the other girl, and yesterday she received class pictures of the other girl (with my D’s name on them) who, apparently never ordered any. </p>
<p>While these have been mostly minor annoyances along the way, suddenly the notion of college applications popped into my head. I think the two girls have different guidance counselors but I’m not sure. In any event, everything that gets sent out to colleges goes via naviance (we’re told, I don’t actually know how this works) and there is a single person in the counseling office who handles administrative tasks. Does anyone know whether naviance will take care of this? Is there any system I can ask to be put into place now to avert confusion later?</p>
<p>Suzy sorry you are dealing with this . Tell your daughter that she should just do her best and not worry. There are plenty of opportunities to retake if necessary. I am sure you are doing this already. </p>
<p>Celeste so happy for your son!</p>
<p>New today- I think you should get your daughter checked out by a doctor and then you need to bring her to a counselor. I am sorry you are dealing with this.</p>
<p>newToday – first, welcome to the list. I am glad you reached out for help, although I am sorry that it is in the context of your being so upset.</p>
<p>First, you need to realize that your daughter is within the range of what is normal for 16yo girls. The median age of coital debut is ~15.5yo. Your best course is to open up communication with your daughter to find out why she is engaging in sexual activity. If it is in the context of sound relationships between loving partners, then it might not be bad. On the other hand, mindless promiscuity is not only emotionally and medically risky, it can be be a symptom of deeper issues. The most important thing is that you enable her to keep herself safe. A trip to a gynecologist or Planned Parenthood is a good idea. The tricky part will be getting her to allow you to guide her and not just tune you out or turn against you. Venting anger and disappointment may push her away from you, which is exactly the wrong thing to do at this time. It is best if you can communicate your values and concerns calmly.</p>
<p>One book that you might find useful to read is [Not</a> Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Not-Under-My-Roof-Parents/dp/0226736199]Not”>http://www.amazon.com/Not-Under-My-Roof-Parents/dp/0226736199). Author Amy T. Schalet examines cultural differences between the US and Holland to try to understand why Holland seems to produce much better teen choices than the US. (Teen birth rates are eight times higher in the U.S. than in Holland. Abortion rates are twice as high. The American AIDS rate is three times greater than that of the Dutch.) What are they doing right that we’re not? You can also read a discussion of the book [url=<a href=“http://healthland.time.com/2011/11/14/mind-reading-what-we-can-learn-from-the-dutch-about-teen-sex/]here[/url”>Q&A: What We Can Learn From the Dutch About Teen Sex | TIME.com]here[/url</a>].</p>
<p>Mihcal I agree with you^^. Thank you for expressing it so well.</p>
<p>newToday, I just wanted to offer my sincere sympathy. I can hear how hard this is for you and I completely understand. I don’t know if there is an online forum to discuss this but I’d start with finding some real life counseling for all of you. As Celeste points out, she also needs to see her doc to make sure she is protecting herself from STDs and unwanted pregnancy. </p>
<p>I have no doubt that your daughter is also feeling pain, knowing on some level that she has “failed” you. She needs to know that you are there for her no matter what and that she matters beyond her achievements. As a wise advisor once said to me about my eldest, if you place too much pressure on your daughter and not give a clear message of unconditional love, you risk your relationship with her for the rest of your lives. </p>
<p>It’s not clear to me whether you are describing a situation where your daughter is engaged in a series of hookups or whether she has had serious relationships that she’s hidden from you, knowing that you don’t allow dating. One set of circumstance is risky, the other is painful for you but not alarming. </p>
<p>I’m not in any way saying you shouldn’t feel angry, disappointed, etc. This is something that is outside your experience and something you thought you’d prevented through raising your daughter a certain way. Whether it’s right or wrong, I get how betrayed and unhappy this must leave you. That’s what counseling is for and why you should take advantage of it too. </p>
<p>There was an article in the New York Times magazine some years ago about the pressure on girls to be effortlessly perfect and the toll it takes on them that you may find helpful. I don’t know if it applies to your daughter or not but it’s well worth a look.</p>
<p><a href=“For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too - The New York Times”>For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too - The New York Times;
<p>One last thing. There are many, many ways to success in life and it’s a long haul. We all need to remember this and keep ourselves from getting too fixated on the short term.</p>
<p>I appreciate everybody for your support and help. </p>
<p>I have not acknowledged my D that I already knew the truth. I still pretend I believe her words that she never did. I found this out by confiscating her cell phone and read her texting. I am afraid if I openly confront her, it will like she will never feel right in the rest of life whenever being with me. That will push her away.</p>
<p>I have made apt to take her to see my GY doc this afternoon. I will see the doc in 30 min so I can tell her why I take D to her, then in the afternoon I will just tell my D that it is a good idea to have a woman organ check up at this age. I guess if we find anything, then there is no way I can pretend anymore.</p>
<p>I first felt myself need a psych therapy. I have 3 goals for myself - 1. make sure D is healthy; 2. rebuild parent-D relationship; 3. Correct her sex behavior, not by restricting on freedom, but deeply her moral standard. I have the goals, but I am not sure what is the right approaches, and here I cannot afford try and error. So I first thought I need find a therapy for myself. I also need help here - I checked my insurance doc network. There are many “anxiety/depression” doctor. What I should look for to find the right doctor for myself and my D?</p>
<p>Thanks again, everybody.</p>
<p>Newtoday - I agree with all the good advice you have been given. First thing you need to bring her to a gynecologist (and not be in the room when she has the check up and talks to the doctor). Second, you can’t undue what has been done. I think she will feel bad about her choices in time, and bad about herself. It won’t help anything if she feels that you hate her. SHe really needs unconditional love right now. You have been a good role model and set reasonable rules. You probably need to discuss with her your expectations for her behavior while she is in your house, and what the consequences are for other behaviours. That said, you also need to be supportive. Girls with low self esteem are most vulnerable and a girl’s relationship with her parents and especially with her father, sets up a lot towards future relationships.</p>
<p>You can do your best, but in the end they will make their own choices. It doesn’t mean that you were a bad parent, or anything like that. They are who they are. I hope you can love her (and help her love herself) for who she is. </p>
<p>Sending prayers and healing thoughts for your family.</p>
<p>sorry Newtoday I didn’t get to read your post before I wrote. I think you are totally on the right track.</p>
<p>Suzy100, several of D’s friends are signed up to take the SAT on Saturday and they are seem wound-up a bit more tightly. It’s definitely nerves. Celeste is right, this is just the fall; more chances ahead. </p>
<p>newToday, welcome. I hope you find strength for yourself and your daughter. It sounds like you’re on the right track with your goals.</p>
<p>@3girls3cats, Ijustdrive
Thank you for your responses. I now have a better understanding of NMF process.</p>
<p>newToday – I understand that you’re upset, but sexual activity isn’t a death sentence. It’s pretty normal. There are things that can destroy her life, but sexual activity in and of itself isn’t one of these.</p>
<p>I agree that you should facilitate her relationship with HER OWN health care provider. She needs to be comfortable enough with a HCP to know that her activity won’t be reported to you. This will keep her healthy and safe. (Of course, if she’s currently pregnant, she’s got some decisions to make and will need your support to make them.)</p>
<p>Then you need to emphasize that you love her, and that you have academic expectations of her, and that any restrictions have to do with her academic performance. Bad grades can be a huge problem. Sexual activity, not so much if she’s being smart.</p>
<p>Be careful interpreting texts, FB posts and such. Sometimes it is what it seems, but often there is a lot of fantasizing/storytelling/playacting involved where kids take on a virtual persona and play out parts that don’t correspond to any real life actions. I can’ tsay I understand it completely. You need to talk to her to find out which it is. Inappropriate online behavior can also be a sign of underlying issues, but sometimes it’s just kids getting caught up in what everyone seems to be doing and carried along, immature and not realizing the gravity of putting stuff like this out there on record where others have access.</p>
<p>Doesn’t she have a password for her phone?</p>
<p>Welcome Mittentiger,</p>
<p>Our daughters probably do attend the same school–what a small world! BHG also is lopsided just like your daughter, high test scores and low GPA. BunHeadGirl had Cornell College on the list, but removed it after a visit. We’re not Christian, so there was just a little too much within the vibe of the school for BHG; otherwise, Cornell College would remain on the list. BHG prefers smaller campuses, except for University of Kansas, which she’ll use as a financial and academic safety. Since BunHeadGirl will be happy to attend KU, the remainder of her list consists of high matches, reaches and HMFRs based on her GPA, but are safeties, matches or reaches based on her ACT score. In addition, she’s only looking at schools that meet a minimum of 80% of determined need with a majority in the 85%-100% range. Although we have a high EFC, we would still qualify for financial aid at most schools out east.</p>
<p>I studied the CB College Handbook and located every school that provided at least 3 areas of interest for BHG, then looked to see what the average aid package was and the percentage of the package that consisted of loans and work study. I then determined the amount of loans vs. work study. I then compared that outcome to the NPC figure for each school to determine the accuracy of the published CB figures along with affordability for me based on savings, current income, and future income (Stafford Loans/work study–BHG’s skin in the game). </p>
<p>When going through the BBC, I looked pretty much at every entry for any school within the states BHG was willing to attend a school. That list consisted of 14 states, grin. From that list, I had BunHeadGirl research the schools. After a few states, a pattern began of types of schools that interested her. We then took that information and looked at lists of similar schools and lists of schools with cross applicants or interest. </p>
<p>The search sped up at that point, as BHG knew what she wanted in course diversity, campus life, student body, size, location, and possible campus vibe on paper. She then read the major college guides on her list of schools along with studying each school’s website. A lot of them were crossed off as the list shrunk from over 30 schools and is now down to 15 schools. </p>
<p>We’re now in the visiting phase of the final list of schools. I’m hoping it continues to shrink before we visit more campuses–wink.</p>
<p>I would back off reading private texts and emails. What you don’t want to do is drive your child completely away from you. You don’t want to back her into a corner where she feels that to be an individual living her own life she needs to do something drastic. But you do need to open communications.</p>
<p>newtoday- hugs to you!
You are taking the right steps scheduling your daughter with Gyn appointment. The first priority is to make sure your daughter is safe and healthy. Think seriously about allowing your daughter to be on the pill. My girls talk openly about their friends in high school taking the pill. Many for skin / period issues and not ( as far as they are aware) because they are sexually active.</p>
<p>It is a reality that many kids are sexually active at this age, whether their parents know or not. Many parents are in denial “not my kid” .</p>
<p>Keep talking to your daughter, the lines of communication may open after her appointment this afternoon.</p>
<p>newtoday, I’m sorry you are going through this. I think you are getting some fantastic advice on this thread. As far as finding a therapist, I think it’s sort of hit and miss and often comes down to whether there is a “fit” for you with a particular therapist. I would call your doctor and see who he or she would recommend.</p>
<p>Thanks all for the commiserating and advice about D. I’m sure she will be fine. It just came out of the blue and caught me off guard. I really don’t want her to look back on this time of her life and have it just be a big ball of stress. Life’s way too short for that. </p>
<p>celesteroberts - great advice about telling her she could cancel the score. I totally forgot about that! And I loved hearing about your S’s goals. I’m a huge soccer fan - played when I was younger and coached my girls when they were little. He must have been so happy! Boo that you missed it though. What kind of puppy? Could I be a little more random here today?</p>
<p>It was a home game and poms performed at halftime, so there were way more fans than usual, more like a football crowd. I think he was showing off for the girls.</p>
<p>Early August he flew to Atl to visit my brother and family. Next thing I know H and I are bombarded with calls/texts/e-mails about a dog he wants to bring home. Dog showed up in my brother’s yard one day in June and he had no luck finding owner (nearby university student end of year dump is my guess) so took her in. But they had no time for her and his preschoolers fought over dog. S wouldn’t give up, kept badgering, so I said if he would buy a carrier and pay the airline fee out of his own $, and stop at vet to check for microchip, OK. She’s not really a puppy, vet says about a year old Yorky/Dachshund mix. They’re called ‘dorkies.’ But she never had vet care, wasn’t house-trained at all(brother kept her outside since no time to train), didn’t know any basic commands, full of zipzing and tiny. She seems like a puppy. Cutest thing EVER. I love her. Hug her when I miss D.</p>
<p>I love her more now that she’s trained. You can guess who did that, contrary to our agreement with S, sigh…</p>
<p>3girls --</p>
<p>We had a “similar name” problem way back in preschool/elementary school. It’s definitely something to bring to the attention of the school/GC as soon as possible. It can get bad when people don’t realize there are two kids involved (sometimes they can think that the same child is registered for something twice and just cross one off the list). Not trying to make you worry, but I found it was much better to let people know in advance so that they would watch out and not make those mistakes.</p>
<p>3girls my older daughter had a name very similar to another girl in her grade. Imagine my surprise when the other girls SAT scores showed up on my kids Naviance account ( should have kept them as they were better LOL!). I emailed guidance and she promptly fixed it.</p>
<p>Naviance info is controlled by the GCs. I would contact guidance and let them know about this issue and to please be very careful from now on. When it comes time to send transcripts and teacher recs you need to follow up again. Test scores get sent directly from College Board.</p>