dbjs70 You may want to give your S the benefit of the doubt…and chalk it up to an extremely busy schedule, new social life, and his need to settle in and connect with his peers there. Perhaps since he also knows he will see you both soon at orientation, that is a comfort to him and contributes to the fact he doesn’t feel the need to keep in constant contact.
It’s a new world your son is navigating, with many new and different experiences…learning how to keep in touch with mom and dad in the midst of all that may not happen immediately! Some of our children take longer than others to become mindful of those details.
Also, be thankful that he is close enough so that you can personally deliver the keyboard. In 2+ weeks my S will be almost 3000 miles away, so no ability to personally deliver anything from here!
@dbjs70 This was exactly how my son was last year. I calmly explained to him that relationships are a two way street and just because I was his parent is really no different. I told him I understood that he was busy doing all the things he wanted to and should but that he needs to be considerate to the people who have facilitated all these wonderful things he is now involved in. I wasn’t looking for any hours long conversations, but a decent text once a day (or every other day if you are comfortable with that) isn’t that much to ask for. IMO It is better for them to learn right away that people have feelings (even parents) and that they need to give a thought to others in their life. He understood and began texting me a few lines at least once a day. Just to check in so I did not worry. Then the tables turned (like life always does), he had a problem and he needed me (us) and wanted to spend an hour or more on the phone working it through. I did remind him at that point that relationships are a two way street. Ever since he’s been much better. Not perfect but then we do not expect perfection. If a few days go by without a word, I send him a text just touching base and he responses when he’s able to. Good luck.
I just started a new thread with a Psychology Today article featuring 6 things to discuss with your kids before sending them off to college. I started a thread because I thought it would be helpful for more than just the parents on this thread. Y’all may want to read the article .
@carolinamom2boys Good article. Though I have to admit we haven’t necessarily had frequent conversations about all of those. But we know the basis and I have a feeling that my mom isn’t too concerned about intimate relationships as neither of us have ever dated or have had any interest in doing so yet.
@dbjs70 Definitely go. RIT (and other colleges too) can keep kids on the go every waking minute during orientation, etc. Much of orientation is separate for the two of you, but you will feel more informed and part of the community. He likely will not appreciate yet how much it will mean to him that you are there. We did not go back for parents weekend and our S14 told us later that all his friends’ parents came except us (likely not true but I guess it felt that way) and he wished we had come. He wanted to show off his friends and his favorite campus places.
Would it be better if you had the occasional photo from him? We struck a deal that we Skyped once a week and didn’t worry about intermediate texts. Does it help to know that this is not unusual, especially for boys? No news is a great sign that he’s super engaged and ready for independence.
@zimmum and others, I feel for you! Even though I’ve done this once already, my S16 is my baby and he still likes to cuddle. He pulled the silence thing once at a three-week camp and I hope he understands that I will need a little more from him during this transition.
D16’s college includes tuition insurance on the bill and we had to waive it if we didn’t want it. She has a scholarship covering most of tuition, so we did some investigating and found that we could request the amount of insurance be adjusted to reflect what we are actually paying.
The policies can vary in their coverage. Ours covers both tuition and on campus room and board, and pays only if the student withdraws due a diagnosed medical issue. It pays 60% if the student withdraws for mental health reasons. The cost was .5% of the amount of coverage.
If you’re considering tuition insurance, make sure you understand what it covers, and also what the college’s refund policies and scholarship payment policies are. We called the business office and asked. You want to understand what your liability would be if your student did have to make a medical withdrawal.
I remember my PSY 101 professor freshman year explaining good experiences can elicit just as much stress as bad experiences. The memory lead me to a quick Google search, and I thought I’d share the results. I’m STRESSED and have decided it’s NOT https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/types-of-stressors-eustress-vs-distress/
As of now, it appears that we’re going, largely, I think for all of the reasons folks have shared.
As for the lack of communication we thought we’d impressed upon him the need to respond/keep in touch. I definitely agree that it’s probably due to being busy, settling in with new friends and getting used to a new routine. I’m sure we need to remind him that he’d expect us to be there for him, and that in return we hope for him to share news with us.I’m going to make an attempt to send him “a news from home” type email/ext every few days.
Yesterday’s was a report that a local rival HS football team is under investigation for some impropriety in their program.
And, today, he texted us to let us know that if we got a call or text from Health Services not to worry about it. To which of course we started to worry. When pressed he let us know he’d stepped on a yellow jacket nest and had gone for some treatment (he’s fine).
I’m hoping that the door is finally opening a little especially since he Snapchatted with his brother this morning.
I’ve heard it called spoiling the nest @Midwest67 Glad contact is improving @dbjs70 although stepping on a yellow jacket nest sounds very painful-atleast he went to Health Services
@dbjs70 Here’s what I did with my D, who is my outgoing and communicative one, when she went to college. I told her that she needed to speak or Skype with us at least once a week. About 5 days after each call, I would send a text, just to check in and tell her that it’s been almost a week and ask when in the next two days would be good for her to speak with us. This gave her some control over when the conversations would occur but there was a clear expectation that they would occur. This worked well for us even though I would have liked to hear from her more frequently. And texted her about setting up the call was not perceived as intrusive than if I’d just called her and left a message. I’ve been telling my S that he’ll need to speak with us at least twice a week - he is not very communicative and I feel I need to be more assertive with him. But I will take the same approach of texting him to let him schedule when we speak.
That being said, my D lives far away now and I had to have a talk with her a few months ago about staying in touch at least once a week when things began to regularly go way beyond that. She seems much better now and we do text in between calls. I try to not do it too much as I don’t wan’t her to feel she has to be in touch constantly (not that I would mind).
I also agree with crowlady that you should go to orientation. Your S is probably very busy now and getting used to many new things but will likely be happy with you being there. In fact, he may feel he does not have to keep in touch right now because he knows you are coming back. Even if it is an abbreviated visit, you’ll probably all be glad you did it.
As I’ve said, D is if anything an over-communicator. This morning’s text was to let me know that they require business casual every Wednesday. She had thought her “dress for success” days ended in HS! BUT! This was followed by a text that she and a returning student both like thrifting and plan to go looking for new business casual clothes this weekend. So it’s all good.
We’re keeping in close touch as well because D has a cold, which has triggered her asthma, and she hasn’t had many issues with it lately. We’d like to avoid a trip to the ER if possible, so have been checking on how that’s going.
We never had “nest spoiling” with her. I figure her older sister did enough of that for any three kids!
Recent report was that she feels fine, has located two walk-in clinics close to school, and of course, with the ER of a major hospital across the street from school, feels prepared should something come up.
The kids had their first “class”, a discussion of the book all freshmen were assigned over the summer. D said it was interesting and will tell me about it later.
What was her book @sseamom? DS16 is reading The American. He has to write an essay about it for small group discussion before convocation . Glad your daughter is feeling OK.
I’m glad she’s feeling good @sseamom It’s good peace of mind knowing the hospital is so close. When do classes officially start? In related news I completed my summer reading for college.
Classes start on Monday. This book and discussion were part of the orientation. It’s called “Five Dollars and a Porkchop Sandwich” and it’s about voter fraud. Voting rights is an on-going theme at the school this election year.
NOT 