Parents of the HS Class of 2016 (Part 1)

We are back home. D seems to be doing fine.

I haven’t been responding much to other’s stories but I am reading and love hearing about everyone’s experiences. Good luck to those still in process!

Wife and S leave early in the afternoon, and I’m taking Amtrak from DC to Philly when I get off work. Move in is very, very early in the morning. The good part is that we should get back home early in the afternoon tomorrow. S posted a picture on Facebook of one of our cats looking very unhappy while watching him pack.

S had a great first day of classes. Really enjoyed multi-variable calculus and let us know he’s probably going to add a math minor. He even remembered to send us first day of classes pictures.

Good luck to everyone moving in this week/weekend and with classes starting over the next week or two.

Stressed right now because I’m uploading my photo for my ID and of course it isn’t working. I got my hair cut this morning and my hair dresser got teary eyed. The same lady has been cutting my hair since I was 3 or 4.

S is all settled in. We drove down on Saturday, had dinner with friends. Then relaxed in the hotel room watching some tv. Went down early Sunday morning after breakfast - but there was some confusion with thew pre-orientation program he was registered for. They had said mentors would be around to help students - but there was no one there! Weird. We had to walk around to a couple of different buildings on our own to get his id card, then his room key, then unload. Unloading the car was so much easier with hardly anybody around - I am sure it will be crazy this Friday for official move-in day!

Maintenance guys were going around checking the rooms - they gave us a doorstop :slight_smile: Only hassle was that S’s bed needed risers to fit the fridge under the bed and the risers we had from Target were too small to fit the bed posts. So, H had to make a trip out to get risers and the fridge and that sort of temporarily held us up. We then made one more run to Bed Bath and Beyond to pick up the drawers he wanted and a couple of odds and ends. Stopped at the grocery store for some basics. He went off for a meet and greet for the pre-orientation program and we headed back home. Drive home was awful - hit a ton of traffic and then some pouring rain! Didn’t make it easy!

S called and texted yesterday (yay!) - he had a good first day at the program. Made a few friends, played some pickup basketball, went out for ice-cream. Sounds like a good start :slight_smile:

@Ballerina016 - I hope you are enjoying the special “southern California special” weather I arranged for this week in Cambridge!

Congrats and good luck to everyone with moves this week…we have one more week with DS16. DS25 requested and I said OK, to have one special day at home with his big brother instead of at camp after DS16 finishes working this Friday.

DS16 was kind enough to literally dump almost all of his clothing into the suitcase we plan to bring - then realized he needs more shorts. Of course, he then ran off to hang out with friends for the day, so will be back at 5:30 for a last-minute shopping trip.

On the up side, while wandering around the house wondering how I’d manage to pack all the stuff in one day, I found a medium and large clear crate that we can use - he can keep the medium one for food and kitchen/type supplies at school and we’ll bring the big one home. The rest seems to be fitting in the other containers - now if it will fit in the SUV that will be a nice trick tomorrow morning!

Found a medical power of attorney/HIPPAA form provided online by our state, so DH is printing at work and we’ll sign and have our neighbors witness it…thank you to others who mentioned it!

For those of you that have moved your DS and DD in already - did you arrive to campus and realize you left something important at home, or forgot it would be needed? Any last-minute tips are much appreciated!

@fretfulmother Are you trying to say this is not a typical Boston weather? :wink:
DD just said "I love Boston in the summer. I will get back to you during winter though " We spent few days in Cape Cod and it was outstanding. DD moved in this afternoon and now is attending barbecue with the rest of students who came for pre orientation. Her forced triple would be outstanding if it was a double. She will try to move to double during housing exchange, but she loves her dorm. Her pre orientation program will starts tomorrow.

Good luck to everyone moving in this week!

@Ballerina016 - well, it’s typical in the summer. We usually get a couple of weeks to lull us into not running screaming to another locale.

BTW I also had a “crowded double” as a triple my freshman year; a benefit is that at least I believe they reduce the rent to 2/3 of what it would have been.

First, I apologize for such a long note.
I haven’t even looked in on this thread since March, but there was something that I’d always planned to post here when we got to this point when we are moving our kids into their dorms, and even more importantly as we give them that final hug, and say goodbye.

The following ‘cut and paste’ is an excerpt of remarks delivered to freshman parents at Emory by Prof Marshall Duke, a beloved figure (who for years ran the student counselling service). For three decades’ worth of move-in’s, he spoke to parents as they were getting ready to leave campus. I think that his remarks are both reassuring and practical. I hope some of you will find them to be worth reading. I particularly like #4.

Our launch of S14 at Emory two years ago didn’t go as planned. My wife’s mother died a few days before the move-in. She was unable to make the trip to Atlanta, and S14 really missed his mother’s touch as we set up his room without her (no condolences necessary, it’s been two years). . . I desperately tried not to cry as I said my final goodbye to our older son, and I almost succeeded. But per the advice below, I worked hard to convey to him that, despite his many missteps in high school, his Mom and I were totally confident in his success at this next level. Fortunately it’s worked out very well for him.

Of course, I hope everything is good for all of you – parents, kids, and siblings.

Anyway, here it is (as delivered in Marshall’s voice):

There are many things I tell the parents in the hour that they sit with me on what is for them among the most emotional days of their lives. Here are some of the things that I want them to know. I hope they are of value to other parents of other new students now readying themselves to set out for other places.

  1. This is one of the most emotional times in the lives of parents, especially if they are bringing their oldest or youngest child to school. Bringing their first child represents the culmination of one phase of their family’s life and the beginning of another; they are moving from a period of stability as a family with children into the transition at the other end of which they will be a family whose children have grown. For parents with more than one child, this “launching” of the first child is a “shot across the bow,” a notice served that the empty nest is slowly beginning to take shape somewhere up ahead. For the parents of a single child or for those bringing their youngest, the empty nest awaits them upon their return home. I tell the first time college parents that it will take them several months to adjust to their newly patterned family at home. I tell the empty-nesters that the adjustment will take several years. It will. But it is not all, or even mostly, bad. This is an exciting time, indeed.
  2. I tell the parents that just because their children are at college, it does not mean that they are “college students.” The best description I have found is to say they are “high school students at college.” This is because it takes time to learn how to be a college student — how to study, how to eat, how to do laundry, how to play, how to handle money, etc. My best estimate is that this process requires about one semester by which time the students will have studied for and taken major exams, written papers, given in-class reports, messed up, done well, fended off the “freshman fifteen” weight gain, drunk gallons of coffee or other stimulating beverages, eaten uncountable pizzas and attended a variety of college events, some noteworthy, some forgettable. I urge the parents to await the emergence of their college student with patience. This brings me to number three.
  1. Waiting patiently for the “college student” to emerge means not doing what seems to come naturally to modern parents. They are problem-solvers; they are action-oriented; they are capable. They want their children to succeed in their lives and they want to be sure to help as much as they can. Here’s what I tell them: During the course of normal events at college, your children will face problems that need solving. Roommate problems, social problems, registration problems, problems with specific subjects or professors. There are two ways for these problems to get solved. Way number one: parents call the school and talk to the Office of the Dean, or the Director of Residence Life, or even the president. What happens? The problem gets solved. Oh, but there’s one other thing that happens — their children are weakened. Not only are the children not given the chance to learn how to solve the problem and to grow in self-confidence from doing so, they are also “told” by their parents’ interventions that Mom and Dad do not believe that they can take care of themselves, increasing the likelihood that they will remain dependent on their parents to solve their problems which results in parents continuing to intervene, which tells the students they can’t take care of themselves... you get the picture. The bottom line is this: either way the problems get solved. But... if parents solve them, the kids are weakened or prevented from growing. If the kids do it, the problem is still solved but they are stronger and moving toward a readiness to live their lives independently. One thing I add to drive home my urging that parents let kids deal with things on their own is this: Someday, Mom and Dad, these children will be adults and their parents (you) will be elderly and in need of being cared for. What sort of people do you want taking care of you? Unsure people afraid to make good decisions and reach solutions with confidence or ones whose parents wisely sat back and allowed them to grow in strength and wisdom?

This year I must add one more thing here, and this is that the rate of tension and anxiety in new college students seems to have risen significantly in the past 10 years. Estimates are that around 30 percent of them report experiencing some form of anxiety and 10 percent say they feel significantly depressed. Some of these emotions are college-related; some pre-exist the beginning of college — the disquieting truth is that young people are very stressed out these days. Most of these emotions are understandable and not uncommon reactions to increased demands and/or being away from home. Thus the majority of the time, my advice above about staying back and letting them find help on their own still stands. BUT, parents know their children better than anyone else and if they hear what I call “that voice” from their children — the voice which is different from ordinary complaining, the voice that really means the child is in trouble, they should call the college. Don’t come running, just call the college. Good places to start would be the Office of the Dean of Students or the Dean of the College, perhaps the Resident Advisor of the child’s dormitory. No matter who is called, all the relevant people will be notified and help will be set into motion. College professionals are very experienced in dealing with these situations. You encourage your children and support them. Express confidence in their ability to deal with what’s going on and wait for them to work things out.

  1. One last thing. I said earlier that the day that parents leave their children at college — or send them off if they are traveling there alone — is among the most emotional days of parents’ and children’s lives. It is a moment that comes along once in a lifetime. Each child only starts college once. Given the uniqueness of the day, it falls into the category that includes wedding days, special anniversaries, even days on which family losses occurred — big days — days that stick in our memories throughout life. Such moments are rare. They have power. They give us as parents one-time opportunities to say things to our children that will stick with them not only because of what is said, but because of when it is said. Here is what I tell the parents: think of what you want to tell your children when you finally take leave of them and they go off to their dorm and the beginning of their new chapter in life and you set out for the slightly emptier house that you will now live in. What thoughts, feelings and advice do you want to stick? “Always make your bed!”? “Don’t wear your hair that way!”? Surely not. This is a moment to tell them the big things. Things you feel about them as children, as people. Wise things. Things that have guided you in your life. Ways that you hope they will live. Ways that you hope they will be. Big things. Life-level things. I tell the parents lastly, that I, myself, was never able to do this, because I was too emotional and couldn’t quite say what I wanted without crying or with a desirable level of equanimity. All is not lost, I tell them and I tell you. As soon as you can after you leave the campus, write your child a letter — with a pen — on real paper — in your own hand. The first sentence should be something like, “When I left you at the campus today,(or at the airport , etc.) I could not tell you what I wanted to say, so I’ve written it all down...” Mail the letter to the child. It will not be deleted; it will not be tossed away; it will be kept. Its message will stick. Always.

I am so happy to see you back here @AsleepAtTheWheel . We’ve missed you.

@Ballerina016 What dorm? I knew we’d have forced triples this year so hopefully it’s not too crowded!

Also parents, don’t worry so much about your kids; they’ll be fine. If you’ve raised problem solvers, they’ll find their way.

@AsleepAtTheWheel, very nice. Thank you for sharing!

Welcome back and thank you @AsleepAtTheWheel ! DS’s college had us do #4 at orientation early in the summer. Not sure at what point they will be/ were delivered. We had 24 hours notice and some ideas for how to start. Lots of tears shed at the writing but so glad to have done so. I kept a copy as well so I can do something similar for DD20 when the time comes.

Re: car insurance for college students far away: @bookmom7 in post #23735 – you mentioned changing car insurance once your child is gone at college. Did your premiums drop a bit? We are surprised that ours wont; unless she becomes is termed not covered for other cars while away. I’m curious as to what you saw and found out – others too!

Our DS remains covered and can drive when at home but premium is a bit less than half what it was. We still have the car he was driving and will drive it a bit ourselves so we needed it included in the policy. Much easier for us than having to take him on and off when he comes and goes.

My sweet girl doesn’t have a driver’s license yet. She got her permit in December 2013 and has driven the required 50 hours to get the DL but just hasn’t been interested. Maybe because we are a one car family and she doesn’t have her own car :wink:

With her heading off to college in DC (and God willing…law school or graduate school at GW) it just did not seem a good use of funds to purchase a vehicle for her right now. She’s planning to get her license on Christmas break because her permit expires next December 2017.

Thanks @AsleepAtTheWheel . That was very nice!

We leave in less than 24 hours and it’s crazy! It’s hitting me so hard. We went out to breakfast this morning and that was nice