@me29034 That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’m glad your daughter was able to move on. Its us parents that sometimes need more support 
@MuggleMom I am right there with you regarding the emotional toll the decision phase will have on me as well as my D and independent of my D. I will try not to impact my feelings upon her but inside I will be crushed if a few of the schools that she and I both agree are target / safes for her come back as waitlisted or out right rejected. Some of them we may be able to rationalize as being extremely highly selective but how far that mentality will go is something I am not sure of. D has had her eye on the “prize” sort of speak for years and almost every decision made has been with that prize in mind. Not sure how she will react. Hubby and I will need to be there for her but you are right inside we will be hurt and or angry in certain situations. I am here to commiserate with…right wrong or whatever, this is the emotional quotient of all our years of support and guidance. We have to have an outlet separate and apart from our children.
@me29034 That’s the same school I was talking about a few posts above. Thing is, we COULD do it but not sure we SHOULD and my H does not currently want to. We will have some outside merit money, which helps, but I’m hopeful that we’ll also have better financial deals at one or two of the remaining school we have yet to hear from. I suspect that with a visit my H could be persuaded, but is that the best course?
@MuggleMom - sometimes, I think it hits us harder than it hits them. I hurt because my baby is hurt and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. Last night, S called - they were casting for the spring musical and he didn’t get one of the two roles he was hoping for. He sounded so calm, so mature about it - but my heart was breaking for him. I’m mad, upset at the teacher involved - irrational I know, but I am. He did say he was upset for about a half hour but then rationalized it, told me he’s happy with the way his audition went and that’s all he can actually control. Don’t know how this kid can react in such a mature way, but I sure was upset about this all night. I am sure similar situations will be coming up soon - he has auditions for colleges coming up, a few other apps to “lottery” schools too - so there will be more of the same. This was one time I wished he was home so I could give him a big hug 
D decided early on that she would not have a “dream school”, and would only apply to colleges that she’d be happy to attend. People keep asking where she’ll go and she says, “whichever one give me the money”. She means it, though of course she has a couple of top choices. She’s still waiting on the #1 of the list she crafted. While I AM very invested in her process, we’re all about practicality here, so if #1 doesn’t work out, there are still numbers 2-10.
The kids I REALLY feel bad for are the ones like the boy @Mysonsdad talked about, with an LD at a school with few supports, or the girl D knows whose parents refuse to pay for a 2nd ACT test even though she did very poorly on her first, and may now not qualify to get into her dream school, or the girl she knows who was assured by her mentor that “You can do ANYTHING!” when in reality she has terrible test scores and a “C” average. She is NOT getting into law school with such stats, but she really thinks that’s an option. She’s talking about applying to Harvard…Or the kid whose mom said, “Apply anywhere you want, we’ll make it work.” Only they have no money to even pay for community college, let alone the colleges he’s applied to. The kid may end up working instead of going to college at all.
We-as in most CC parents and our kids, are largely privileged, even if we’re not upper income-I’m sure not! But we understand the process and the privilege of getting into colleges and being able to go to at least one of the choices. I guess being surrounded by kids that have no idea what’s going to happen to them next year, D, H and I have a different perspective. I’d love for her #1 choice to admit her with a full-ride, but until that happens, I’m going to see a light and assume it’s a train coming at us.
I will attempt to say this well but please grant me the benefit of the doubt if I fall short. I have been mulling this more in regard to lottery schools but it can be applied to more school related disappointments. I think lottery schools (most schools) are trying to admit students and encourage those to come (possibly with merit money, etc) that the university feels it can assist with achieving their potential is life. Maybe the student that is not admitted, or encouraged, is in that position because the school does not feel they are the best place to assist that student with achieving that potential, or possibly, that the student will be able to achieve that potential WITHOUT whatever assistance the school might provide. The “rejection” or lack of merit money is not a reflection that the student does not measure up but that the school and the student do not share the same mission.
Well said @Cheeringsection . I tend to take a more pessimistic view on the admission process. I never thought of it as someone else took my son’s spot, or that he earned something. I thought of an admission in terms of applying for a job . There are other qualified candidates, some more and some less qualified applicants. There are limited positions available. Does the most qualified or experienced person always get every job they apply for or the salary they want or think they deserve? No, definitely not. There are all kinds of dynamics at play that I may or may not have influence on. Is it frustrating and disappointing? Of course it is. It’s hard not to take these decisions personally , but they are not personal . Colleges and universities are educational institutions , but they are also a business. Sometimes the decisions made are just that , business decisions. I know that this is not going to be a popular opinion, and that’s ok . It’s my opinion that helps keep me realistic and things in perspective. It may or may not be yours and that’s OK too. Hopefully you can find your own frame of reference to help you through this difficult process.
This topic of how we handle the inevitable disappointments couldn’t be more timely. S had a pretty big meltdown this weekend about the stress of deciding and his change of heart - or possible change - regarding going to one of the coasts. One, he’s having trouble dealing with friends’ opinions on everything from where he goes to his major. Two, he’s starting to be less enthused about being so far from home. Three, he’s feeling like he’s really enjoying his social life and now he had a girlfriend - she’s really sweet - and ‘now it’s just all going to be over.’
Broke my heart to see him to torn up. But there was honestly a part of me that was sad that he has the chance to go to several schools for basically room and board and he might pass that up to stay nearby. And he might not. My main message to him was that he has plenty of time to make his decision and that there’s really not a wrong one. I was also able to get him in to talk to a counselor and already he feels better. Counselor told him not to talk to his friends about this for now. Phew, that is good advice.
Man it brings up a lot though. He’s always struggled with anxiety. Maybe it really is better for him to be closer to home. Ahhhh. It definitely feels like the roller coaster is nowhere near stopping!!
@sseamom I agree…our kids will be okay no matter what. They may not get their first or dream choice or maybe not receive the merit money they/we hope and it may hurt but they have all of us…very actively loving and supportive parents. Whatever our differing philosophies are (go where the money is, go for the prestige or somewhere in between) our kids will be very ok. There are so many kids I know who (for a variety of reasons) may not be as ok or as lucky. And the truth is…if our kids are ok we will be ok too. We may have to vent a bit as will they but in the end we are very lucky to have such wonderful kids and they are lucky to have caring and supportive parents.
I’m sorry, but what is a Lottery School?
As for DD if she has a dream school she is not telling us which one it is. She has been accepted to 3 schools so far (2 safety & 1 reach) & will most likely make her choice based on $$. She still has 8 more to hear from & out of those 8 I think she has a realistic shot at half due to the fact they are SLAC & if they are looking for a left handed tub player this year, she is not that person. I think I take the rejection harder than she does, but I do not let her see that. We have tried our best to teach our kids to “pull your pants up & more forward” - which they do better than I do sometimes!
@Cheeringsection - I agree with you. I believe “fit” plays a major roll.
@Kat2013 A lottery school is one where the odds of acceptance are basically akin to winning the lottery. (An alternate explanation is that there is such an abundance of qualified applicants that, basically, they may as well hold a lottery to see who gets in.) Usually used to describe the Ivies and schools like Chicago, Stanford, MIT.
My son applied to a couple of lottery schools, and thus far has been wait-listed at one. He was disappointed for a couple of days, but Christmas break and a new girlfriend helped ease the pain and two days later he was writing his last two applications and his bid for a spot at State Flagship U’s honors college. He really handled it better than I expected. Me, personally? I was kind of bummed-- I really thought it was a good fit for him in a number of different ways. But hopefully he’ll get good news in March.
@crowlady: “My S16 wouldn’t even bother to do the work, on the theory that the teacher already understands the essay prompt so she doesn’t need his help.”
Crowlady! I have to say I love it. I really do. Why? I thought I was dealing with the only kid who really didn’t get that part of his contract with his teachers was proof of work, and to qualify, performance of said work as evidenced by it showing up on a piece of paper and being handed in.
“Homework chicken?” Do you mind if I use this?
@CAMidwestMo, @Crowlady: You have both really made me take another look at my son. I am crazy about him and he knows it, but I never quite know how to navigate what is truly a form of logic(thanks for that, btw) in his thinking that simply seems like impudence to me. And it is the only time he ever displays any behavior bordering that characteristic.
@MuggleMom: I am right there with you, also. I see him turning it around now, his last year of middle school, but only because I really did do the thing that others tell a parent not to do: I told him that all of his friends who turn their homework in, and get the measly little points (this is his thinking) will be able to move on and take classes at the next level that will be denied to him, though he is fully capable of leading a class at this point. (When a substitute in one of his classes just couldn’t figure out the teacher’s lesson plans and notes on the second day, he told my kid to get up there and teach. He did.)
Please tell me there is a place in the world that will honor and accommodate these children.
@CAMidwestMom my D is going through the exact same thing as your S. Every adult is telling her different opinions and thoughts on the subject and her friends either are uncomfortable talking to her about her or there situation (all of her friends are not in the academic level that she is) because they think she cannot relate to their situation (which she definitely can as we talk about it all the time) or they poo poo her about her worries (because they feel she has the world at her feet and can go anywhere). She and her best friend (since kindergarten) have not been as close recently and the only thing that seems to be the culprit is this entire college process. She is so overwhelmed with the entire situation that for Christmas I got her the tee shirt “Please do not ask me about college. Thank you”. She loved it! One of the many great things I have garnered from this forum. She now fears that once she goes to college she may not have any true friends to come home to. Another example of how the situations our kids go through can be just as heartbreaking for us to witness as for them to go through. She has been having interviews for some of the more selective colleges on her list. It is a very exciting and stressful time and unfortunately she feels she cannot be excited or even talk about her worries regarding them with any of her friends for fear they will poo poo her or worse. She is feeling very alone during this time…it will be ok I know but it is difficult to watch her navigate through this process (as I worry where will the clips may finally land). Nothing I can do because as her parent, I am dealing with many of the same issues with my friends and relatives. I can handle it…but I wish it weren’t so. Thanks to all you I have a place…hopefully D will find hers.
@lvmjac1 I feel for her. The kids are very lucky to have these opportunities and choices, but that doesn’t make it easy. It seems like many people blow off their feelings, but they are big decisions and for most of them it’s their first big decision. Hopefully they all come through it with more confidence. It’s easy for me to see that he can make a change if he’s not happy, but man, he is feeling such pressure to pick the right school and eight major.
@lvmjac1 I feel for her. The kids are very lucky to have these opportunities and choices, but that doesn’t make it easy. It seems like many people blow off their feelings, but they are big decisions and for most of them it’s their first big decision. Hopefully they all come through it with more confidence. It’s easy for me to see that he can make a change if he’s not happy, but man, he is feeling such pressure to pick the right school and right major.
As I mentioned few weeks ago, we had one former college consultants looking at my DD’s application somewhere in the beginning of the process this year. This person has a lot of experience and worked for the admission of the very well-known school many years ago. This person was extremely impressed with DD’s application. We took it as a very good sign. The person was even laughing at her choice of safety schools. Fast forward, DD got into this safety school and got deferred by two of her reaches. When she talked to this person, the reaction was: you need to know your completion. Kids who get into those schools sell their applications to Google or do something of the same caliber. After this conversation DD came to me crying. I don’t know what have changed between now and few months ago. Maybe this person got inside on this year student pool level. Nevertheless this was the reaction.
@CAMidwestMom yes–the pressure to choose and define a major-- so many applications are asking for why this major and what are your plans for using it… the reality is that we are asking them to choose a major before they know all the choices that are on the menu. My D has been so set on a STEM path (and honestly I do think it is a best fit for her)- but last semester she took an economics course and found out that she loved it. What if she takes sociology next year and finds out it is her new love… Why the pressure to know who you are before you see all the things you can be?
@Ballerina016: What does, “…sell their applications to Google…” mean?
@onedundecided: My daughter is the ‘M’ in STEM, but programs and institutions seem to have gratuitously added that part on to the acronym to form a complete word, and she is upset about it. Economics, in some of its many forms, turns out to be a viable and closely related field of study for someone like my daughter.
Hopefully, as I was told here about one of the schools, your daughter does not need to worry about being bound to any major one lists at the outset during the applications process. Have you found that she is being asked to apply to specific colleges within universities, and there is almost a no-transfer rate between the colleges? I agree that the kids are all multi-faceted and so alive right now that there is no realistic way to make a hard and fast decision about what they may want to deeply invest in.
“Why the pressure to know who you are before you see all the things you can be?” I’ll give you $15.00 for that T-shirt.
@Waiting2exhale Mobile Apps
I guess they want something like this guy:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/what-my-chances/1851426-i-am-the-founder-and-ceo-of-a-1-5-million-startup-chances-to-get-into-stanford-cornell-and-gt.html#latest
@ballerinamom That is just awful. I feel so bad for your daughter.
@oneundecided On the subject of majors and why, my D just came up with a major and story based on her strengths and used that for any application that asked. It is pure fiction as she really doesn’t know what she wants to major in yet. Yes, she has ideas, but I agree that she may find something completely unexpected in college.