What do you do if your DD is newly considering a school that you know in your heart of hearts is not a good fit? (You have to trust me on this and it’s NOT because it is the furthest school away, although that adds more challenges)
She has never visited but has talked her dad into taking her in a few weeks. It’s fine for her to visit but I’m afraid seeing the school on a shiny tour in a much warmer climate after a long winter is going to make it look super appealing and I don’t think the great weather should be THE reason to pick the school. She has done little to no research on this school and is not able to produce a compelling argument to go there over excellent EA school which she was really happy about until a few more acceptances came in- all of a sudden EA is “old news” (even though it’s a top 20 school if you’re into rankings, with great undergrad experience) I fear she wants to keep her classmates guessing as they are expecting the EA is her top pick, thinks the new school is a really unique pick from our area, wants to differentiate herself from older brother who goes to EA school (but they would probably rarely see each other)
She is young for her grade and the whole application process has been confounding i.e. Motivated, excellent and involved student but she was strangely uninterested in visiting schools, making a list was so difficult, essays were arduous. In other words, even though she is set on attending college right away, her lack of interest in the process made me suggest a gap year. On the other hand, she has determined her major, where she wants to research and study abroad etc.
So now the whole process feels like it’s just getting started when I was hoping it would be over yesterday.
So sorry for the long post but I am sort of beside myself. I do not believe that she has done the research or homework to be given the liberty to decide where to spend someone else's $200k. Dh thinks if she doesn't go to check it out, she will always wonder and possibly resent that we didn't let her see it. I get it. But if she likes it enough after a short tour to dump the school that we've visited numerous times, EA open house, overnight ( and one that she really liked and knows much more about), I don't know what to do.
@4kids2graduate You nailed the really great things about UCF, especially their Honors College and NMF program. Truthfully even the entire campus isn’t as huge feeling as the student numbers suggest. Part is that they have a lot of commuter and non-traditional students, plus the campus design in concentric circles is really well done to limit the distance between buildings and locales, and the NMF dorms are freaking awesome. We live in Big 10 territory and visited many and UCF does not feel as big as those places. My D is a biomedical sciences major which is an area UCF is very consciously growing and expanding with lots of money and professors being brought in. We loved the Honors College, it was the best small school within a big school model we found anywhere. Love all of the Honors courses in the majors. Both Huntsville and UCF have some pretty awesome connections to aerospace and NASA, you have some really great choices. The financial offer at UCF is really hard to beat, as are the dorms. Felt the students we met were really down to earth and varied in interests, plus Orlando is a really fun city.
Those are two really great choices, go with where the people felt like the right fit, plus the family in FL is a nice thing to make you feel a little more comfortable about your son going away if he has family nearish to turn to if help is needed.
@mommdc She is still in New Orleans, but Tulane will be falling off the list for UG. She loves New Orleans and the school’s service oriented mission and programs are very appealing, but in meeting the other students this weekend she did not feel like she was comfortable with them. Not her people, very nice, but simply not the tribe that she feels she would thrive with. She is checking out the med school and thinks it would be a great place to go as a med student or to do a residency in later as a graduate level student/intern. She is still exploring and enjoying her time there, but we are definitely down to two, especially since Tulane was her most expensive option.
@carolinamom2boys You will love hearing this, but my D, the hardcore Northeastern girl, actually felt the student body at Tulane was not nearly southern enough. (-; Great school, maybe she will see it again in four years, just like Pitt whose med school she also loves, but that fell off of her list last week.
It is now UCF versus the University of Delaware for the final showdown, and since they were my numbers 1 and 2, Dad is pretty dang happy.
@Mrspepper, sorry to hear that you are being hit with this new idea from your D, especially so late in the process. I’m not sure I have much advice to offer, but I think if our S gave us this type of news right now, after so many months of the application/decision process, I’d be concerned too, especially since it’s such an expensive investment that the parents have to make. Is the cost more at the new school than her current options that she is actively considering? Is the reputation/quality of her degree program very similar? If the new school falls short on either aspect, then I think you could point out the deficit to her and explain that as a family you can’t cover the expenses for a school that doesn’t match up with her current options. If the new school is similar in cost and program quality, then a visit plus much more homework on your D’s part would help your family determine if the new school is a good match. Good luck, it definitely is a rough spot to be in at this point.
@Mrspepper can you tell us a bit more about why you think the school would be a bad fit for your D? As you can see just from the last few posts-not everyone views the same places the same way-one parent would NEVER send their child to Temple because of the area, while others prefer that setting to a more rural one. So what YOU may not think works for your D, SHE might actually think so. But I’d need to know more.
I have a little experience with a D who got pushed into a decision by her dad, who held the purse strings. And her dad was repeating what HIS dad did in regards to a choice of major. Neither went well. I would say “force” your D into “your” choice school only if you want to create years of resentment.
I would sit down with her and have a serious talk about money and loans and options. But I’m assuming you let her apply to both schools because you could afford it? The common wisdom on CC (and in our house) is to only apply to schools that you can afford and would be willing to attend (or can afford with merit money).
But even if you did NOT use that method, I think since you DID let her apply and she DID get in, you should at least let her visit. Then talk some more-about why she thinks it’s the better option. As for rank-it all depends. The school my D is going to is ranked differently on different lists. She chose it over a “higher” ranked school, but it’s a better FIT. The program is fine. We’re perfectly ok with that.
@4kids2graduate Not NM scholarship, but National Hispanic and/or good stats. We are taking the money at UK in Lexington. The four year net cost of attendance spreadsheet I made was startling and eye opening.
The short list had two full tuition offers, one meets full need, and UK’s full tuition plus room & board stipend. UK wins, hands down, as the smart choice for our circumstances. Go Wildcats!
@4kids2graduate, UAH was the other school my son was considering besides UPenn and UCI (which he didn’t really like) in the end. He visited UAH and had a wonderful time. He prefers rural, he thought the kids were really nice, and he just enjoyed his visit. If he hadn’t been considering a gap year, I think he would have chosen UAH-except that he applied as a mech e major, and he doesn’t want that now. Further, they took all his community college credits except for 2 units (so it would have been 37.5 units), and while he only had the full tuition scholarship (missed the full tuition plus room by 10 points on his SAT!), he has an outside scholarship for 6K a year, so it would have been affordable for us. He thought having a big rocket near the school was cool.
If Penn doesn’t work out for him, he would likely transfer to Cal State Fullerton (nearby and has animation) or UAH (game design minor-not sure of the major, but maybe art).
@Mrspepper I would be going crazy at this point if S16 threw another school into the mix…I cannot imagine how anxiety producing that must be for you! That being said, I agree with @sseamom that it is necessary to tread lightly while she “explores” this new option that she wants to visit in the next few weeks. Sometimes, new ideas can burn themselves out in a short time, and sometimes they can take on a life of their own. There are times when the appeal of a particular choice can actually be brighter if a parent is not totally supportive as well…
Not the case with my S16, but his older sister (who ultimately chose to work after HS and not attend college) would have picked something specifically if she thought we were against it!
Keep us posted on this new glitch and how you are fairing…
Thanks, @lifegarding and @sseamom! Not much difference in cost-both pricey. Not sure school 2 would have any advantage in her major, but she hasn’t researched this.
She didn’t want city, didn’t want big. She’s into nature. School 2 is in downtown of one of biggest cities in US, and almost 45,000 students (majority are grad students). School 2 -must live off campus near high crime areas for 3 years, high safety concerns. School 1- medium sized, lots of nature, mostly undergrads, great
dorm life, could live on campus for 4 years if wanted to. Off campus housing is nice, close, and in safe area, much lower general safety concerns. She is not interested in Greek life, or big party scene. School 1 -no Greek system and lots of dorm/hall spirit instead. School 2-big Greek scene. That’s a start.
Thanks @4kids2graduate ! That’s exactly what I’m worried about. I’m not sure I can take the anxiety for 3 more weeks. To make matters worse, my MIL lives an hour from there and is over the moon about this. Here’s the rub, she sees my daughter on average once every 2-4 years, sometimes less. Not an involved grandparent at all. As in, they hardly know each other. (I could write a book about that.) So it really scares me that she’s going to swoop in and make the hard sell. I hope my DD will consider the irony.
@Mrspepper so sorry that you are distressed. I cannot imagine “starting over” with another school at this late date. Could it simply be that your DD is not ready to commit so she feels she must still be actively searching to avoid anyone expecting her to commit? I know that this has been a long process but I have heard some students say that they feel rushed about deciding. If your DD is a “doer” (like I am) it may be easier for her to still have things on the to do list than to have reached the end of that list and make a decision. I also wonder if she isn’t simply enjoying the attention of the grandparent (at last!) and will lose interest once that novelty wears off. I would agree to the visit and treat the school like a real possibility while objectively comparing it aloud to the better fit school. You do not mention what kind of decision-maker she is, but I would feed her style and hope that this is a slight detour, not a complete change in destination. Good luck!!
Is this a new school that she just applied to or a school that she had applied to in the past and was accepted into recently? @Mrspepper Do you currently live in a rural area now? Is part of the issue your afraid for your daughter to go off to the “big city?” Have you ever visited the area or school yourself to assess the safety of the area? . I would find it hard to believe that your husband would knowingly send your daughter somewhere unsafe. In terms of size, there are ways to make a large school feel smaller i.e.Through her major , honors college, etc. In terms of Greek systems, I think many people assume Greek systems are bad. I can tell you that many of my friends have made lifelong friends and relationships by going Greek . I would think that it would be harder not going Greek at a smaller school that offers it, than a larger school who has it . Just because it’s an option to join a sorority , doesn’t mean she would choose to do so. It also appears that your relationship with your MIL is weighing heavy on your decision . You need to make sure that it is not negatively influencing this decision. IMO , because you allowed her to apply, you need to at least let her visit to make an informed decision at this point. The other thing I suggest is you and your husband need to discuss all of your concerns and present a consistent front , or this may become a larger issue in the future. Think of it as the “bad boy” you don’t want her to date. That school is going to look very desirable to a girl whose desperately trying to prove her independence. And lastly , are these her only two options? Is there another school that falls somewhere in the middle that you can both agree on? Good luck in you decision .
@palm715 If I’m not too late to the game, I’d like to chime in on Northeastern. I’ve been following along with everyone, but I must admit I read much more often than I post.
My D is a 4th year computer engineering major at Northeastern. A city school was a must for her. I’m from Phila, and now live in the Boston area. Northeastern is in a great part of the city. It is right next to Symphony Hall and in the downtown area. It has more of a campus feel than many city schools. Now the other side of campus borders a “less desirable” neighborhood, but my D has never had any problems. You just have to remember your’e in a city and behave accordingly.
You don’t pay tuition while on co-op. We’ve found that she’s earned enough on Co-op to help pay her living expenses. She did a semester in Denmark, and paid for her room, board, and travel (a lot of travel) with her earnings from her first co-op. But living at Northeastern is expensive and you don’t save money moving off campus - Boston is expensive. One other thing we’ve discovered is spreading the tuition out over 5 years has helped us with the bills. Though tuition does go up each year. The 3 middle years you’re only paying 1 semester of tuition, which helps.
There is a difference between a school that offers co-op and a school that is structured around co-op. All of your friends are doing it, the classes are structured for the schedule, they are very good about adjusting housing if they do a co-op out of town. Though many kids stay in Boston, and on campus, during co-op. My D is the exception - she did an international co-op and is in CA now.
She’s never had any problems getting a co-op or a class. They have an active SWE (Society of Women Engineers) chapter.
If your D wants to talk to mine, PM me. Also, I know a current freshman girl in mechanical engineering who I’m sure would be glad to talk to your D as well.
Good luck and let me know if I can help answer any Northeastern questions. It has been an amazing experience for my D, so I highly recommend it for the experience.
Thanks for your thoughtful responses. @Cheeringsection - Perhaps to all of your questions. I believe she is flattered by her acceptance to a great, warm climate school in a faraway place that her classmates didn’t apply to. However-she has done no research. Now that my DH has booked the flight (just the 2 of them) without a family sitdown, I am in a difficult position. Neither has done research. I have. He is trying to act what he thinks is neutral without laying the facts on the table. All along he has been a proponent of EA school so this is frustrating to me. And no he wouldn’t want to send her to a high crime area for college but he is not telling her that now. If they go to the school and don’t wander around the area or spend more than a couple in the campus I don’t feel she can make an informed decision.
Thank you all for reaching out with great advice. As it stands now, we will wait until we here back from both Stevens and Northeastern on the financial aid appeal. With those yeas or nays in hand, we will have the serious talk with D and make sure we are all seeing the same financial future. I guess this means even though money is tight, I get to go on a cruise on the USS Indecision. Woohoo!
Happy Monday everyone! I should be doing something productive, but I’d rather catch up on all the posts. LOL Most likely no Greek for my D. The school she’s leaning towards doesn’t have a Greek system. I loved my experience, but, whaddya do. My D is excited for her upcoming overnight visit. Having read/heard of some people’s bad experiences, I did point out that like Forrest’s box of chocolates, ‘you never know what you’re gonna get’, and there’s the chance she might not click with her host. I think she could put that aside though. It feels like, unlike a student ambassador program, hosts of overnight visits aren’t as screened or trained, so you might get a Negative Nancy. Now, I know there needs to be a balance. You don’t want to only see the picture perfect presentation version of the school. We did a lot of tours, and it was refreshing when we saw a more typical dorm instead of the brand new building that freshman would probably never live in. Or when a guide would give honest input about their experiences.
I don’t know, I’m sure it will all be fine. I probably just always need something to worry about. Hahaha
I’m feeling excited and blessed this AM. DS16 has found out that at least 4 of the students that he met on the William Aiken interview weekend have committed to CofC Honors. Nice, well grounded kids. He’s been invited into and participating in FB communities , and making good connections. He’s very excited that one of the other students that participated in his group interviews with the CS department has also committed. He also got a message from his host welcoming him and congratulating him and offering any assist. Things are moving along. 58 days and counting.
@Carolinamom2boys It’s not really me being uncomfortable about her going to a big city. Believe me- I wanted her to consider schools in and around Chicago. But no, “Chicago is gritty and dirty, I hate Chicago”-DD. She’s even uncomfortable spending a day on Michigan Ave shopping! And that’s an amazing downtown atmosphere in a big city. If she’s not comfortable there, how is she magically going to be comfortable in a grittier, bigger urban area?
She received notice of acceptance in the last week or so. When we included it in the list we were looking at NMF possibilities because she was so undecided about what she wanted, and it was like pulling strings to come up with a list of even 8 schools that she would apply to. It was my bad for just looking at NMF and not realizing that the school was not more suburban. Plus at this point she showed no interest beyond general climate and NMF and had done no research so I thought it was adding an option but a lower one on the list. Again my bad but the process was like pulling teeth and she took up to the last minute to get most apps in. The process was extremely frustrating.
We have since visited some of the schools with strong Greek presence. She says she is not interested. I have a lot of reasons to support that decision and I don’t think she should feel she has to belong to “belong”. But when I read about the social climate at these schools with bigger Greek systems the kid talk about a divide and kids segregating themselves. I don’t want to offend anyone because of course, it is a personal choice and there are lots of great reasons for being part of that scene, it’s just that I know my daughter and it’s not her thing.
@Mrspepper I wasn’t trying to make it sound that she should go Greek. You’re right it’s definitely a personal decision . My point was it was probably easier to be non Greek in a larger school with a Greek influence than being non Greek in a smaller school with a Greek influence.
Welcome aboard @palm715 ! I wish smooth sailing for all.
Glad to hear it @carolinamom2boys ! DS is counting the days until placement tests and class registration. All of his AP classes are into AP exam review so his weekend homework habits have changed and I have to remind myself that it is Ok. He is helping a junior prepare for the ACT next Saturday I think he has spent more time with prep books this year than he did last year!
Having a hard time packing for our Boston trip. DD is completely ignoring differences in weather between two places. I sent her to buy warm winter attire and she came with something that I don’t think will work in that climate. She said the sales person almost laughed in her face when she asked for winter clothes. It is snowing in Boston today, and we have 78F. Of course she does not own a single piece of warm clothes.
