Honestly, I kind of feel it is sort of unethical to accept multiple admissions offers HOWEVER, the fact that some schools make it necessary to commit early on to secure housing, goes a long way to alleve that wishy washy feeling I have. This could be fixed if all of these schools stuck to a identical timeline. All apps need to be submitted by Dec1. All answers received on Feb 1 etc. So while I am feeling a bit guilty about it, I am going to justfy it by saying that if the schools didn’t put us in the position…
@rhandco My D20 is a couple years behind but I think I will be in a similar boat with her, and maybe I’ll be asking you for advice in two years.
She’s also bright but inconsistent. Very significant executive function problems. History of depression, too.
My goal for her is to be a happy functional human being. But still I am feeling bad as I see her grades dropping this year.
I got to go out for a drive alone yesterday and in the quiet I just kept reminding myself of my long term hopes for her as a person and that it’s okay if she just graduates. She’ll have the CC option and ours is good.
When I look back, I think I always regret pushing too hard rather than pushing too little.
When I am disappointed, I have been trying hard to always extend mercy, because I have to be a model for the kind and compassionate person I want her to be someday.
It is hard. We don’t always get to read about this kind of kid here, but you are not alone even if we are at different stages. Hugs.
@labegg, that’s what I’m coming around to as well. If it’s not illegal (and I don’t see how it could be) then it might be a little unethical but no more so than the schools manipulating families by filling up housing before May 1.
Edit to add: in a non-college example, if I special order a car I have to pay a deposit but I don’t actually have to buy the car once it arrives. Nothing but my financial situation prevents me from special ordering three cars and then only buying the one I like best. The dealers will be able to sell the cars I don’t buy and keep my deposit for their trouble. Colleges are going to fill their dorms too.
@rhandco @1822mom , I met up recently with a friend from the East Coast who talked about her high school senior doing a “PG” postgrad year at a residential boarding school after high school. She said it is not uncommon in her area for kids to do this to gain maturity, boost grades, develop physically (sports), etc. I live in California and have never heard of this . … I’m sure it is pricey, but it was interesting to hear about.
@traveler98 @labegg I see multiple deposits as unethical if you 1) place them at schools that don’t have the imho unethical housing or other lures, 2) leave them in place (continue to hold the spot) after May 1.
So for example in my Ds case, she has one school which gives priority housing and registration based on when you submit your enrollment deposit. None of her other schools have such a requirement or lure. So we could submit the deposit for the first school while deciding about the others, but I wouldn’t be comfortable submitting to any of the others unless it was her only and final choice. If we did that we would withdraw her enrollment at the first school at the same time.
Yes @1822mom, that seems like a decent approach.
On the deposit issue - I’m going to be blunt - the colleges who put a price tag on reserving a spot expect that some kids will then say “sorry, no”. I would actually be more worried about accepting an offer of admission if there was no fee associated with it.
I think we have to get off our high horses and realize that for most colleges, if they really really were short on the number of admitted students, they’d start taking kids who were waitlisted. And think of that kid on the waitlist who gets a spot because your kid decided to go somewhere else! We all love our kids, but if you plunk down a few hundred dollars and they will keep it if your child changes their mind, I think it’s basically insurance at this stage of the game.
And certainly without FA packages in hand from all the top choices, I think it’s a good idea to reserve spots (two or three at most) based on your child’s desires.
I agree it is similar to many situations where it is understood that it is better to put down a deposit and lose it, and that’s why the deposit is taken. If you buy a house, you put down a deposit for the hassle it is to find another buyer. The only concern is if the family just doesn’t have the money, and that requires some legwork or other means to try to make the decision ASAP.
Back to my S18: he is autism spectrum. His entire life, he has had inconsistency issues and this year his courses are a bit more difficult. They call it “2E” - exceptional in two ways, very bright but a special needs issue too.
Thank you MACmiracle, I actually was telling myself driving to the high school for a meeting with one of his AP teachers, that if he stayed at home and found a job and took a few CC courses, it would not be the end of the world. Thanks for the hugs - my friend is going through a really tough time so I have to providing the hugs for her!
And 1822mom, yeah, we have randomly talked about a gap year, but not like “if you are going to do a gap year, we need to start thinking about it NOW”. I think, like my oldest son, he would feel “weird” being “off track” compared to his friends who graduate in 2018 and go to college right away, but I feel like if it was the right program with some support available, it might be a good idea.
pickledginger, we’ve also thought about a postgrad year, but since he’s not an athlete, I’m not sure if it would be the best fit. Especially with the money concern.
An update on the situation is that although he has a D in one AP class, his teacher says that he thinks the challenge of the class is good for my S18, so for right now, he won’t have to drop it. I think I’ll take a screenshot of his GPA because I fear this is the highest it will be…
If you look at the common data set of schools, quite a few catholic colleges and some LACs seem to have much more female students than male. I wonder if that could help a male student with merit?
I wonder about that claim schools make about deposting early to get a better chance at housing.
This is October, I mean think of how many of the kids will still change their mind from now until May.
Wouldn’t it be better for the schools as well to sort this out after May 1, when there won’t be as much change?
@1822mom expressed what I was trying to say better. I think of the deposits as like serial monogamy. Only one at a time, but not necessarily the same at the end of October and end of June. But I’m not a fan of multiple deposits at once.
@mommdc 100% it helps with merit and (especially) admissions, if your gender is underrepresented. Washington Post did a story about Gender Advantage last year: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2016/03/14/want-a-college-admissions-edge-these-schools-might-give-you-a-gender-advantage/
@rhandco I would just try and support your son as best you can and try and nudge him to take some classes at the local CC and get a job. Maybe even make him pay the phone bill or do chores around the home, which he is paid for. My D has a friend who graduated last year (Class of 2017) and seems directionless. Takes a job and quits a few days later. Says she’s interested in earning money and taking another job, but really isn’t. I know it would very hard on me, since I lean towards authoritarianism. 
Regarding multiple deposits, I’m reminded of a line from Pirates of The Caribbean, “The code is more what you’d call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.” ;
Are there some rules and regulations written somewhere on housing deposits? D is my first, so I’m going thru this for the first time. What do the forms say? Are you accepting admission? The UC’s specifically state that an accepted student can’t submit multiple admission deposits to 2 or more UC’s, but I read a thread about one kid that did last year and nothing happened to him/her. But that student sure got an earful from the crowd here on CC. But the student got his/her first choice in UC’s when his/her top choice came thru and took him/her off the waiting list.
I have no problem at all with families paying these early deposits. I have an issue with the schools asking for them. They could start the first-come-first-served line on May 1. They are asking for them early to make extra money or to manipulate you to commit (at least emotionally) before all the data is in.
^^ yes exactly @daffodilpetunia !!
For our first 2 kiddos, we paid the housing deposit for their safety schools (In-State Flagship) to ensure they would get housing. (We did not want them hunting for apartments near campus in May.) The University did not have housing for every freshman. Neither went to that university, so we ate the deposit, but saw it as insurance. We were fortunate in that we could afford it. It doesn’t seem fair to families in which money is tighter.
Nailed it.
Agreed, but just so we are clear, it is not only a “housing” deposit at play here. In my example, Alabama, you can not pay the housing deposit ($300, of which $275 is in fact refundable) until you have paid the Enrollment deposit ($200 none of which is refundable)
If it were only housing, it would be a no brainer.
@DavidPuddy - Agreed. I was not aware you had to pay both. We did not have to do that. We only paid the housing deposit.
Its important to check the procedures for each given school your kid is applying to. Some use acceptance date to determine housing priority. Some use acceptance date to determine housing application priority and then housing deposit to determine final housing priority. Some wait until May 1.
@rhandco, our S16 was in a similar situation. He started making D’s in English sophomore year. He rarely turned in a paper. It seemed that he was just being lazy, and to an extent even be believed that. He made Nmsf and scored high on the SAT. His freshman year was a disaster academically; he only passed 3 classes. He gave us no indication that he was struggling until the end of the second semester. It turned out that he had expressed doubts about going straight to college but was talked into it by counselors. We had him tested over the summer, and it turned out that he has a disability in written expression. He certainly would have been better off waiting. I think the key is going with supports in place, which our son didn’t have.
So, FINALLY got my taxes to download from the IRS site for the FAFSA. Please tell me that the EFC is for the full four years and not just one??