Parents of the HS Class of 2023 (Part 2)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
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My S19 dropped out of tech school. Hybrid classes (which are ones he would be required to take for his major) are the only modality offered. I’m super proud of him for working more and moving up at his job. I never would have thought he would end up at a mid level restaurant chain but he works as hourly manager (among other things he does there) and loves it. He couldn’t come home for Christmas as he lives in a college town and many kids leave for break so they are really short staffed. But he wasn’t alone. His kitchen manager invited him and another “stuck” kid to dinner and even gave him a cute little bag with gifts (candy and socks but still very sweet).

S23 has loved Syra cuse thus far. He is happy with this friend group but wanting to change (add) to his major really put him in a mindset of dig his heels in (that has always been frustrating). A few good chats have him recognizing he needs to change his approach as it only harms him, nobody else. Not showing up to class will result in an F and its no longer just about GPA, its about internships and possible job prospects. But too little too late in 2 of his required (yet not major related) classes. He ended up with a 3.4 though so not all is lost.

He loves music and is staying in that school (Setnor School of Music). It was simply one of those things that while on paper looked fine, the reality was different. He is moving from vocal performance to music industry major. Music industry still requires him to perform but allows for a bit more flex in his schedule so that he can take more electives he is interested in.

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People are not as keen to share their child’s challenges, but I assure you that you are not alone. I hope things improve for your child. :mending_heart:

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This is more typical than you think. Each semester I teach at least one or two sections of a first year seminar in my department. I always remind my students that college is difficult. If it were cheap and easy, everyone would have a college degree.

I was looking over the final grades for my first-year advisees the other day, and a few struggled academically and are on probation or even required withdrawal. Other students performed quite well academically, but I know from earlier conversations that they struggled socially. So even students who finished first semester with a 4.0 are sometimes miserable and feel the college isn’t a fit. For a decent number of students, it takes an entire year to find their footing in both areas. Unfortunately, many hype the “good ole days of college” so much that students and parents feel like colossal failures if things fall apart.

I hope the college is helping your S put together a plan to get back on track. The fact that he wasn’t a required withdrawal is the silver lining.

Good luck in the new year. You’re not alone in needing to readjust.

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Not alone, certainly.

In fact, at least one of us here (read: me) flunked out of college ourselves along the way, so there’s commiseration in a rather intensely personal way.

And having mentioned my own history, I’ll also point out that in the years following flunking out I ended up with a PhD from an Ivy and am now a tenured full professor. It’s possible to recover from such missteps. It is, unfortunately, much more stressful and often more expensive to take advantage of second chances, yes, but the possibility of those second chances is certainly still there.

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Thanks to all who have chimed in with understanding and support. While he is certainly capable of succeeding at college, he has to want to succeed. We can support him and guide him, but we can’t make it happen for him. He’s young, there are many paths to success, and sometimes the school of life is the best teacher. He knows that we’re ok with him taking some time to work and figure out his direction, if that’s what he needs at this point. Or he can go back and try again with a better understanding of the effort required in college.

That said, if he shrugs his way through our conversation tomorrow, you might all hear my head exploding, wherever you may be.:crazy_face:

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Yes- there are so many paths- and they only become obvious down the road. And then we wonder why it wasn’t so obvious to us back then. :heart: good luck on your chat! We’ll all be here:)

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The parent feed at my son’s college is full of stories of kids struggling. It’s a huge adjustment, and not uncommon at all. Be glad your kid at least told you a bit of their struggles up front. There are tons of stories of college students not even doing that much b/c of fear or shame or whatever, and it makes it that much harder to figure out the right path forward.

There are lots of paths to a happy life, just need to figure out the right one.

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One of the reasons D23 was really excited about the school she chose was that the school was very upfront about how much of a transition going to college would be, and shared specific resources they had to help students with that transition.

At an open house, student panels were upfront with stories not only from the ‘best and brightest’ but also from students who had struggled*, changed majors, and what resources the school had offered to help with those challenges.

A common refrain from those students who struggled at some points was that they had always been strong students in high school and weren’t aware of how different college would be. And that they at first really resisted getting academic support because they thought “they should be able to handle it themselves”.

The first year of college is a lot; not only are you taking classes but also learning ‘how to college’. You have to create a whole new social network, and most probably are also getting used to living somewhere you never lived before.

The student panels were invaluable because D23 heard successful students talking about the steps they took to overcome challenges and setbacks. We had told her the same advice, but hearing it from other students made it real for her.

Advice from student panel:

  1. Go to every class. It is easy to skip classes because no one will tip you out of bed but going to class is the biggest piece of success.

  2. Go to office hours**. If a professor’s office hours conflict with your schedule, request a different time. The professor won’t be mad or put out. They want to help.

  3. Sign up for academic support. Most schools have academic success centers where students can get targeted help in Writing, Math and Science***. Take advantage of all the free support that is offered, you have already paid for it with your tuition payments. It isn’t the mark of a stupid person to get extra help, it is the mark of a smart person.

Good luck to everyone in the upcoming semester. Normalizing challenges and setbacks helps every student be better able to access the support and resources necessary to be successful.

*Some of the students who shared their personal/academic challenges were also very much the ‘best and brightest’ with their accomplishments as well.

**D23 found out through office hours with a professor that the professor would allow her to re-write and re-submit a paper that D23 didn’t do as well as she had hoped. When D23 expressed surprise and happiness at that second chance for a better grade, the professor explicitly said she always gave that option to students who attended office hours. It was how the professor knew the student cared enough about their studies in her classes for it to be worth the professor’s time to allow a rewrite/resubmission.

***Unlike when I went to school (in the dark ages), it is now incredibly easy to making appointments for tutoring/extra help - usually appointments can be made online. Both of my children’s schools tout their academic tutoring services/center - and one of them even suggests students who are particularly nervous about a class schedule a standing weekly appointment with the appropriate tutoring center as a support system throughout a semester.

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My S24 has several friends in the 2023 cohort. A whopping 20% of the kids who graduated from his high school in 2023 and went off to college are no longer there. Many of them came home before Thanksgiving even with either mental health or academic issues. The 2023 class really had it rough in term of how/when the covid years fell during high school. I feel like sophomore and junior year are the “critical” years of high school and this class missed those. Many never experienced an actual exam until this year as freshman in college. I really feel for those kids. My S24 dealt with covid as well but not the same as the class of 2022 as class of 2023. My heart goes out to all the kids struggling.

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He heard all of this from us as well as from the school during orientation and from his academic advisor. He was also around to observe his older sister, currently a junior at the same school, as she adjusted. It’s a huge state school, and we have always emphasized for both of them that they would have to be proactive in asking for help when necessary. He’s in the Honors College, which disappointingly has not provided as much community or support as we had hoped. A lot of that is on him, but for instance neither his academic advisor nor his honors advisor had appointments with him until very late October and early November. By then, they could only remind him of the supports available and reassure him that he could recover from failing this class.

He did sail through high school with minimal effort. Although everyone tried to tell him college is different, he obviously had to discover that for himself.

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So true. My son pointed out the other day that he only had one “normal” year of high school - his senior year. It’s sobering to look back and see how dangerous that time was for young people, in terms of mental health and maturity and learning. So many lost days, weeks, months, years.
The effects will be felt for a long time.

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Covid was such a weird time. I’m pretty such there’s going to be tons of books and analysis written on the effect it had on kids growing up through it.

S23 might have been one of the few kids to have benefitted from the lockdowns. He actually needed the time away from everyone to get himself together, and he came out way more social and confident. It was the opposite for my S25 though…

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Is it a very small school? That seems like a really high ratio.

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We’ve just had our “what happens next” conversation, and it seems our son doesn’t know what he wants. He expressed that he doesn’t really want to go back to school, but he also doesn’t want to be home. He’s already aware of our expectations for living at home (working or a combo or work/school, paying a minimal rent, helping around the house), and I guess he thinks they’re too much. So! We told him that sounds like an uncomfortable place to be and that we’d talk again in a couple of days.

He seemed surprised that we aren’t interested in sending him back for another semester if he’s not committed to making an effort. I guess he thought we’d unquestioningly send him back to hang out with his girlfriend and play videogames?

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Definitely sounds like a conversation that needs to be had. Good luck with it all. Anecdotally, I see a lot of young men struggle with what they want to do in life. I’m glad you are setting appropriate expectations… I think it’s fine to take one’s time figuring out a path in life, but you don’t get there by just drifting and not working at it.

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Your son has some amazing parents! You’re listening and not letting him flounder. What a gift he will appreciate for the rest of his life! Good luck and keep us posted as it unfolds!

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Sounds like a great approach. Adulting is hard. I tell my kids that the next step doesnt need to be their forever choice. But, they have start taking steps regardless.

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My S15 flunked out of college. It was pandemic/remote related and I had him appeal. He was reinstated and completed his degree a year later.

S23 just got his first ever C+. Three As and a C+. He’s honestly fine with it and so am I. You go from being the biggest fish in a very small pond to the most competitive public university in the country, I think hiccups should be expected.

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There were just over 200 kids in the graduating class and 20 of them left college before Christmas and came home. It is crazy, and this is a good public school.

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Wow, I’d be interested to hear any further insights you might have about this. How far away were most of them? I wonder how much that affects the decision to come home.

One of my son’s closest friends failed their first semester. And another one is contemplating transferring. But kids around here overwhelmingly stay in state. So “coming home” can be a bit blurred and/or glossed over. I also think that when they’re nearby it feels like lower stakes if they decide to stay.

I wonder what the average numbers are like for high schools.