Thankfully he has a job he enjoys–he’s there right now. The pay isn’t great, but it’s enough for him to pay us a small rent and take over some of his bills, as we’ve discussed with him. Hopefully feeling competent and successful at work will give him some confidence and breathing room to figure out what’s next.
We’re disappointed, but also don’t really see the point in cajoling him into continuing college when he has no motivation.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You’ve given me a lot of hope, and reinforced that forcing him to continue against his will would be a bad idea.
I’m certainly not a perfect parent (had a major meltdown last week and took a couple days off by running away to my mom’s house, lol), but I’m trying very hard to understand that it’s his life to live. I told him today that I’m proud of him for being strong enough to make the decision that’s right for him.
That said, I’m frankly worried I’ll have a stereotypical gamer failure-to-launch adult son on my hands in 10 years. I’m keeping that to myself, though.
Not if you only give him 1-2 years before booting him. 
Sorry he is struggling. I think many kids feel this pressure to be super passionate about “something” but the truth is, I really think the goal is more about finding something that you don’t hate that can pay bills and give you a bit of free time.
My son changed his major the end of fall semester. He hates that he now has early morning classes but thats all there was. I found out that with the late switch, him and his advisor only put in 9 credits (as the other classes were full at the time). I had to literally sit him down last night and type in course names and see what was available now that people have dropped. We got him to 16 credits. He very much wants to go back and continue. His adhd paralysis just really hits sometimes. He never really looked at his spring schedule after switching his major and didnt realize he only had 9 credits. Ugh.
Maybe I am doing “too much” but these are all new experiences for him and he really still needs my guidance and support. I think he assumes a lot is being done by the school as his advisor for first semester pretty much did everything. I hope that he has learned his lesson though and will be wiser now for his sophomore year.
My son is at WPI and they do 3 classes per 7-week quarter. I just found out he is only registered for 2 classes next quarter because he didn’t like anything that was available. His plan? “I’ll check if there is anything available after a week or 2 from people dropping.”
He is going to “check” in the 2nd or 3rd week of a 7-week quarter. 
I had to very. calmly. explain why that was not the wisest solution to the problem. We’ll see if he manages to get a 3rd class.
Yeah, this is where I was with him yesterday. Like, you’re telling me you’ll go back and try to find something you want to focus on next semester, but you’re currently signed up for 7 credits. The bursar is billing you per credit hour, the scholarships aren’t kicking in because it’s not a full course load. Please call/email/send a carrier pigeon to your advisor so you’re not starting the semester behind the 8 ball. Later in the day, still no attempt to contact. By this morning, I was like, this needs done ASAP, do you need me to sit with you while you do it, or are you trying to tell us something by dragging your feet?
Last week when I asked him to pick out something positive about his experience last semester, he said he didn’t enjoy anything about it. So, he’s not a case of being a kid who loves life on campus or has a plan he’s striving for. In hindsight, we probably should have had him defer for a year, but too late now.
College is hard. Not just the academics but social aspects, doing things for oneself. Self managing if you will your entire life.
I know it’s hard not to show disappointment, but show him love. It just might just not be the right time or place. Life is long and whatever he does, there’s still lots of chances to make you proud.
In my nephews case, he saw the world as a low level grunt job guy for two years - and ended up back, starting at a community college, in accounting. He realized he wasn’t on a path to success.
There are so many paths. I’m sure this will be just a small blip in what will be a long trajectory. Maybe he’s not ready for school or maybe it was just the wrong school.
Your acceptance of his concerns is also a great thing. It shows him support.
Good luck.
I have no practical experience to deal with this, but I think I’d let him take a month or two to mentally recover, and I’d screen him for depression as well during this time. Then basically have him work out a plan to become net contributor by a certain date. By net contributor, I mean someone who can take care of themselves fully and hopefully help out at least one more person, or at least a fraction of a person in addition to himself. Up to you all how you want to define that and by what date… but I would make it at least a year but no more than 5.
This is in addition to basic household chores and rent that he’ll need to do to continue living there.
How to become a net contributor can widely vary – it can be working blue collar, both skilled an unskilled (he should find that working skilled labor is more financially lucrative and usually better condidtions), or going back to school, or whatever.
But the focus should always be that his goal is to improve his own life and those around him, and as long as he’s working on those things, you’ll help him out, but if he’s not then he won’t be supported at home.
Obviously, this sort of thing should only be enforced if he’s not actually suffering from depression. If he is, then please get him appropriate care. Mental health issues are just as real and damaging as any other illness and needs professional care to improve.
Chances are he’s just burnt out from high school (a 4.6 gpa probably took a lot of work and focus), and needs a mental break. Suggest volunteer work as a way to reset as well…
I know this is not at the serious level of FunnyPup’s kid, but oh boy, kids and adulting.
My son was tasked with running to the hardware store the week before Christmas to buy a new tree stand (with our credit card, ofc). It turned out we didn’t need it after all.
After two weeks of badgering, he finally got it together to go return the tree stand today.
As he’s leaving, we discovered that he didn’t have a receipt.
“What? Why do I need receipts? I keep the things I buy,” was his defensive retort.
Oh yeah? I say. What about the dozen Christmas gifts you bought your girlfriend, what if something doesn’t fit, she doesn’t like it? He had no answer for that.
Grumble grumble, went off to the store anyway, and they were cheerful about the return, saying no need, it’s unopened, we’ll just refund to your card.
He texts me, AFTER RETURNING:
“Mom, does your card end in 1234?”
No.
No it does not.
He just got someone else’s tree stand refunded.
I give up, I really do.
I probably shouldn’t laugh, but that all sounds so familiar.
Well he made someone’s day. 
I just wanted to emphasize that screening for depression seems like a really good idea. A lot of the behavior described sounds like someone with depression.
Depression is definitely a factor. We’re so thankful that he has been open with us about his academic and emotional struggles in the past months. He’s started meds and seems to be benefiting from them. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation–did school cause the depression or did depression derail the schooling?
He’s not a fan of therapy, but knows it’s available as an option if he wants it.
Hard to know. Just glad he is getting help.
As far as therapy there are many who do online now. My daughter has found a lot of success by this route and it is much easier to get a regular therapy schedule.
I was “asked” to take a semester off by my college after a bad freshman year. 1.9 or so GPA as a chemical engineering major.
Ultimately graduated with a degree in economics went to law school and did okay.
Sometimes different kids needs a different major, a different outlook, a different approach to college than HS.
My guess is your child will ultimately be fine. I’m sure it’s hard right now but it’s a journey not a sprint.
Good luck
Hang in there! I had one floundering, though not failing, freshman year, who decided not to go back the next fall. He lived with us and worked for a year (that was a tough year to watch and live through - so much uncertainty) and then transferred to a school he never considered originally, nor visited before deciding to attend. Has switched majors a couple times but has done exceptionally well since transferring. Depression was involved, as was Covid exacerbating everything. If your kid was always a good student, he’s still got that and will likely find it again. I think mine felt pressured to go somewhere people had heard of, that was prestigious in his mind, and the timing was just wrong for him to muscle through an experience that wasn’t actually a great fit. Academically he could have done the work, but the academic skills weren’t shining through the rest of college life that was overwhelming. It has taken a while but he is much more focused now. It’s been a relief to see he’s back to being a strong, confident student. Someone said to me “not all the popcorn kernels pop at the same time, but it doesn’t mean they never will.” Or something like that.
There was a book 10-15 years ago called How to Adult or something like that by the former dean of students at Stanford. She begins the book with a story about giving a speech to a group of Fortune 500 CEOs. She asks them who went to college, went to grad school and worked their way up the corporate ladder in a straight line. Just a very few raised their hands.
My dad was a CEO of a major corporation. He flunked out of college, was drafted to Vietnam, went to a minor Catholic college to finish his undergraduate degree and then went to an Ivy for his mba. Got his first real job at 30!
My best friend in high school went to Babson for a year, flunked out, and got sent to Scotland by his parents for some “toughening up.” By the end of the year he was managing a pub in Edinburgh and is now the very successful owner of a many starred restaurant.
Life isn’t a straight line. It would be really boring if it was! Hugs to all the kids here struggling to find their way.
Thanks! I was too lazy to look it up. Great book.
I really liked the author’s memoir as well!