I always say we should have moved to Seattle from the U.K., it would have been an upgrade in (summer) weather (and winter skiing) and a decrease in taxes. But now we’ve been spoiled by 25 years in the Bay Area we don’t like the winter weather in either the PNW or the U.K.
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I’m from way up North in the Uk. Our school days started in the dark and ended in the dark- and it was always cold and damp. I think that’s why I have an affinity for Seattle. Reminds me just a little of home- but not quite as miserable weather.
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I’m glad your son has this as an option. Sounds like he really loves Clemson. It must feel good to at least have this part done - so you all can move forward with a decision and not feel like your being held hostage!
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Have you read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***”? According to this book, there often are not “best” choices or “right” choices, only the “least bad” choice. It doesn’t exactly apply to your student’s situation, but the basic premise is that when all choices are bad (in your case, have something wrong with them), the wise thing to do is to choose the least bad. What major negative for your student is the least bad? Just thinking that might be a way to reframe the choice.
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Another good, somewhat, related book is Decisive (summary)
I really like “To do a 10/10/10 analysis, think about a decision on three different time frames: How will you feel about it 10 minutes from now? How about 10 months from now? How about 10 years from now?” it puts things in perspective- 10 years from now it probably doesn’t matter that much which school a kid goes to (and if you sub in 25 years even more so), and humans predilection for confirmation bias will likely convince oneself it was the right decision anyway 
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My daughter left Hamilton after a semester. Hated it. Maybe a blessing LOL
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So much good stuff in here this morning to make me think. I think, as I’m working to reframe my mindset to be excited about what feels like my son’s almost inevitable college choice, that I’ll try to do the 10/10/10 that @L_NewEngland suggested. Because really, the 10 years from now view is that likely whatever plusses or minuses I’m seeing right now, they aren’t really major, and it’s not really going to make a huge difference, if any difference, 10 years from now.
And I’m having a lot of the same thoughts that @goldbug mentions. I’ve been getting more and more anxious about him making the wrong choice, and I’ve been fixating on the negatives. When the reality is that he has two really wonderful choices, and either will be great. (Back to my mint chocolate chip v coffee ice cream analogy. I need to take heed of it myself!)
And I do think it’s a bit of preemptive mourning. This is my younger child and the one that I’ve always been a little more connected to. He’s the most like me in terms of sense of humor, and he likes talking with me about stuff, and we are just really really close. I think I’m struggling more than I expected with this phase of life being over.
When S22 started college I wasn’t sad, not even a tiny bit. Not because I don’t love S22 (I do! Very much!) But because in my mind it felt like a fun adventure, and didn’t feel real or permanent. It felt more like when I sent him off to sleep away camp, or for a multi-week camping trip with the Scouts. Sure, I’d miss him, but a fun adventure! The reality didn’t really sink in until Winter break that year of how LONG it would be until I saw him again (it was an 8.5 hour drive, and because of his sport he couldn’t come home for Spring break, so no weekends or anything until after his sport ended - in June.) And even then I was mostly ok. It was the summer after his Sophomore year when he didn’t come home for the summer because his internship was 9 hours away that I started to clue in that this might be just what it feels like now and when he refers to “home” he means school, because that’s where he’s “returning” and living. He’s really just visiting us.
And now this kid is a junior, his summer job is still going to be 4+ hours away, and all of a sudden I’m realizing - he’s not coming back. During his senior year he’ll find a forever job (god willing) and it will almost certainly not be where we live. My older boy is all but gone, and soon I may not get to see him for more than a week or two - if that - a year. When he was home last week for Spring Break he was talking about how it’s getting real that he only has one more year of college and how soon he’ll be starting his adult life and how that’s cool but also scary. And one of the things he talked about was how hard it will be for him if he doesn’t find a job near his friends or home. And it just really clicked in that that’s where we are now.
So added to that in the back of my head, now I’ve got S25 ready to embark on college and I’m already primed to be anxious about him leaving because I’m struggling with the finality of my older one leaving. It’s all right and good and I WANT my boys to launch themselves and I’m thrilled that they are prepared for life and ready to tackle it head on - that was the goal, to raise self sufficient, kind young men.
But holy cow. I’m an emotional mess. The preemptive mourning that @goldbug referenced is feeling really real right now and I think that’s another part of why I’m struggling with S25s college choice. Yes, I do think that the program at VT is stronger and a better fit for him, and I think it’s kind of dumb to throw away the $40k differential when i would literally give that money to him to use as a downpayment on a house or invest. But the real issue maybe is that VT is 4.5 hours away and feels comfortable and known and Clemson is 8.5 hours away and feels new and different and right now I’m struggling with distance and different.
So I’m just going to need to get past that.
I have one friend with older kids who, as soon as her last child went off to college planned an epic trip for her and her husband. We won’t be able to afford an epic trip at that point, but I think I need to start brainstorming things to do or look forward to, because I can already see myself struggling come August.
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I’m a total mess. Between this whole process and worrying about my kid on top of that I am now worrying about both my husband and I’s jobs. And should we make different choices just in case, but if we have to change what we’ve told him all along will he understand? Or will he be angry with us? Especially if everything works out ok in the end?
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Oh I hear this. I’m just trying to ignore that giant elephant in the room. Husband and I are both Feds, we’ve watched a fair numbers of our friends and neighbors get fired over the past couple months. I’m hoping, as more court cases are going and as things seem to be settling down a bit, that there is a slowdown in the chaos and at least more warning.
We’ve tried to communicate to S25 some about the uncertainty, and it’s why he’s kept two schools on his list and hasn’t turned them down. UTK would be less expensive than our in state Virginia Tech and JMU would be just over half the price of VT. But we’ve told him all along what the budget was, and I don’t feel like I can change the goal posts on him now. There are very real reasons why neither UTK nor JMU are the right school for him and although I’m sure he’d be fine, I don’t want to force him to make a choice that he may not need to make if I don’t have to. But its buzzing around in the back of my head all the time. It feels like a gamble, and to a hugely risk averse person, that doesn’t feel good.
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What did she hate about it? I have already begun putting a list together for D29 based in large part on many of the discussions from you all, and Hamilton was one to dig into more.
This is a funny paradox I noticed with my two kids in a lot of things. D23 starts kindergarten and I’m excited for her, S25 starts and I cry on the way home in the car. Same with college. Honestly, S25 is such a grump these days a large part of me can’t wait for him to go, but the other part is sad that my baby is leaving. Or maybe just that he’s not my baby anymore.
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I feel you on all the things here, especially since I have an older child in similar life circumstances too. Your post brought some emotions to the surface that have been simmering pretty low, and while they are painful, your words are helping me to acknowledge them and give them space.
Thinking of you as we continue to navigate this time of life!
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Actually, it’s basically too late. Now they need to wait longer to miss the cherry blossoms. We toured the last weekend in March in 2024 and campus was absolutely stunning. I will say that the University District off-campus is not going to be to everyone’s liking, so it is definitely worth touring because that is where they will likely be living for the last 3 years. Also, the dorms seemed very crowded and small, and most had 3 or more students per room. Maybe use google maps to walk the off-campus area where most students live to get a feel for what they think of that type of environment.
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Yes, the flowers are out but it’s still pretty rainy and dark most days. I do love spring in the PNW though.
I agree with you about the area around UW. It’s either something you’re ok with or not. My children decided not apply after speaking with and visiting friends that attend.
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I get what you’re saying, but I do think it’s ok to change the budget based on new realities. That’s just life… but you do need to make sure it’s reality and not just fears (and believe me I get it, I’m a fed contractor in a space that doesn’t seem to be popular with the new admin, and my wife is a USAID contractor who got reduced to 10 hours a week and her company is trying to stay afloat). Just something to think about - it sucks for the kids, but that is part of life unfortunately.
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D25 was just waitlisted at Hamilton and didn’t even care. When we visited, I thought the campus was lovely if somewhat remote. It’s on a hill and a bit spread out, but there isn’t really a town to speak of. There is strip mall type shopping maybe 20 minutes away. There were some things I thought would be a draw to her academically, but she felt so meh about it. She applied because it’s not terribly far from where we live and they’re need blind. I asked her what she didn’t like and she said she just couldn’t see herself there. I think it might have been the combination of our tour guide and the other students on the tour. I think it seemed like it skewed too preppy for her. I don’t really know what it was about that college, but until she told me she was waitlisted I had even forgotten she applied. She liked a lot of colleges that are technically lower ranked better. I’m not even sure why she bothered applying. And yet, I think one of her high school classmates loves it and might go there. Every pot has a lid so to speak!
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Absolutely…IMO “gut feel” should be part of the decision process.
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Distance and different are issues for sure, and your issues, not your sons’s, since it sounds like he wants those things.
But if I were in your shoes I’d be having serious talks with my student about fit and forty thousand dollars. I honestly believe that 18 year olds have no concept of how much money that is, how long it will take them to save it, or the things they could do with it that would snowball financially later (I do not mean buying a car.)
Clemson right now is $48K more than my daughter’s other choice. I’m having a hard time believing it is worth it. (Two days ago it would have been $30K more, prior to the additional scholarship).
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You’re reminding me of my PNW childhood! Core memory unlocked 
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After all the auditions and searching for schools with music ed as an option D has decided to change her major. She’s not sure yet what it’ll be, she hasn’t had the time to pour over the academic offerings at Susquehanna but luckily her mother knew this was a possibility (likely) and found schools with lots of options to easily switch into. She’s doing yearbook right now and loves the project management process of it plus she’s just really good at design. I’m hoping she won’t lose her music scholarship and will gently push to do the minimum to keep it. She wouldn’t give up playing only majoring in it.
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