Yesterday, when I was researching freshman move in dates and welcome week schedules, to book hotels, I was reading through the timelines of events, such as parent farewell receptions. I read the words - now it’s time to give your kid one last hug and say goodbye. That was such a reality check and it made me so very sad. It hadn’t really hit me until then what this is going to feel like to say goodbye. Like others, my oldest was a little bit easier, this goodbye is going to be really hard.
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I have a child at UW if you want to message me- she loves it
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We haven’t paid a deposit yet because D25 thinks she wants to attend the accepted student event first. But things are looking pretty certain for one college. In light of the conversations around hotels during move-in, I decided to start looking at prices. I can get a decent hotel now that is refundable, but I haven’t yet booked because the school doesn’t have the 2025 move-in and orientation info on their website yet. I can get the orientation start date from their academic calendar, but I don’t know if they move in beforehand or if move-in day and the orientation start day are the same. I guess that means I’ll have to wait. I just don’t want to get stuck at the horrible motel where we stayed when we went down for an open house last spring. That place was so awful I can’t believe I went through with staying there. That tells you how much D25 liked the college though. It impressed her enough to overcome the scary, dumpy motel.
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It’s funny how many of us are feeling the same thing. I literally told my S27 that I think I’m finding fault with all of D25’s (wonderful) options because it’s my anxiety that my kid is leaving my home. And I must be an overachiever, because I’m an emotional mess, and she’s my first! However, I think recognizing that this is some of the root of my emotions is helpful. I’ve been working hard over the last year to model managing my anxiety in a healthier way. (This is not a term I would have used for myself a year ago–I was a “recovering perfectionist” or “detail oriented”. I still am both of those things, but if you saw the number of spreadsheets I have accumulated crossing psych PhD producers with level of dance, and any number of other topics, you’d maybe call my bluff. I credit my therapist and @AustenNut, who reminded me that I have a faith that allows me to trust that even if I missed something, that it will still be ok.) Clearly, I still have strong emotions; all it takes is me saying “But I have really loved this season of my life” to get the waterworks going. But when I consider the alternative of my kid staying home because she doesn’t feel like she’s ready to launch, when I see how excited she is about her top choices, I can be excited for this new season, too.
But I’m back to anxiety for one sec (sigh): I know I asked this upthread, but like a bad penny, here I am again–there’s a hiring freeze at UCs now with changes in federal funding. One of her top choices may also be targeted to have more funding withdrawn. Do I need to add a column to her decision spreadsheet (ironically, we actually don’t have one yet) about this sort of concern? Are you?
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The weird thing is neither of us are feds. I’m a contractor and my husband is not either, but still is being impacted potentially. We just don’t know and probably won’t know, which is the worst part.
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I’m a parent of a HS Class of 2024 kid & a HS Class of 2026 kid.
Something I learned, for example, just this past weekend was that I am now feeling “anticipatory sad” the day BEFORE D24 heads back to college. I wasn’t expecting that. It got me right in the feels!
A year ago, our family was in the same boat all of you are right now…decisions are all in (or almost all are in) and your kid is having to make a decision in a little over a month.
One parent might be in a mood of “Just hurry up and decide!” while the kid is dragging their feet about deciding. Or vice versa.
In our case, D24 had a hard time making up her mind, while my DH wanted her to decide based on a gut feel in a nanosecond, and D24 was feeling a lot of pressure about how this was her first really big adult decision in life.
So I used something that I learned in business school about decision analysis. If your kid is paralyzed by The Decision…OR if you, the parent, keep thinking of the “opportunity cost” (i.e., the value of the next best alternative that you’re giving up when you make the choice) of all of the choices NOT selected, then you could use a decision analysis method in order to guide your kid in how to decide.
For example:
For D26, she’s come up with several ‘decision factors’ (aka criteria) for what she thinks she wants in a college. Something that is a “must have” has a priority of “high.” We weighted the “high’s” as a 5, medium = 3, and low = 1.
Meanwhile, I had her score the college for each decision factor/criterion.
We visited Univ of Arizona last month and I had her ‘grade’ the school based on what her decision factors currently are. Keep in mind, that one’s kid could change their mind about what is most important vs not as important. And that certainly could be the case between the start of 12th grade and now.
So here’s what the score ended up looking like:
| Priority (high, medium, or low) | Score (1-5, where 5 = highest) | Weight (High = 5, Med = 3, Low = 1) |
U of A final score | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cost | high | 5 | 5 | 25 |
| Not too far away from home | high | 5 | 5 | 25 |
| Not too cold in winter | medium | 5 | 3 | 15 |
| Strength in major | high | 5 | 5 | 25 |
| major doesn’t require physics or chem | high | 5 | 5 | 25 |
| major doesn’t require 1.5 yr of Calculus + Linear Algebra | high | 5 | 5 | 25 |
| Ease of getting internships | med-high | 5 | 4 | 20 |
| good job placement #s at or after graduation | med-high | 5 | 4 | 20 |
| Campus safety | medium | 4 | 3 | 12 |
| On campus community of nerdy students | low | 5 | 1 | 5 |
| Final total score | 192 |
As we go through this process, I’m going to have her do the same for the other colleges under consideration. A year ago when D24 was waffling back and forth in her indecision, I made her do this and the college that ended up scoring the highest was the one my gut said she’d probably end up happiest at. And that’s where she ended up enrolling.
Anyway, this is just a tool to consider using. If you use it, and IF after your kid scores a couple of their colleges, the decision analysis score doesn’t end up where their gut/instinct said it would land, then have the student reevaluate the decision factors/criteria (adjust/change as necessary) and then rescore it.
Hope that helps! 
** edited to add:**
the final score for each decision factor/criterion = score * weight.
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Ditto. I am not fed, but my employment is very much related to federal funding- luckily from various places/types and my employer has funding from a variety of sources (not just federal). If we get to summer w/ no layoffs I will be surprised. I suspect not me, but who knows?
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I * LOVE * the decision matrix. My S22 did something similar, he is super analytical child, and it really helped him clarify when it got down to it. He didn’t even need to tally the math at the end. Just identifying exactly what was important, how important that factor was, and thinking about how each of the schools did on those items helped him to “see” what he cared about and what school that pointed towards.
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I’m stealing this!
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It was mostly the “vibe” and dance program. But she also didn’t love her classes and the food was terrible. She did not find a friend group she clicked with, social life seemed to be fairly centered around partying. She transferred to St Olaf and immediately found a couple of great friend groups. The school has many social activities, the dance program is great.
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The decision matrix is so me. I mentioned it to C25 and they just rolled their eyes siiiiiigh
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Acknowledging all the big feels out there, but I (and my spouse) can’t be the only ones who are, at least at this stage, somewhere between completely cool and overwhelmingly excited with the idea of sending C25 off to college and becoming empty nesters, can we?
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Lurking to enjoy all the good news here, but my D24 is still with her peds practice and they got a 90 day supply adhd meds approved and it has worked out very well for her to time her refill pickups around breaks, etc. Insurance was okay with it, too.
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D24 also rolled her eyes at me. I let it go for a few days and told her, “Ok, you’ve had a few more days to think about it. What do you think about the options right now?” And then I made her review what her decision factors/criteria were, validated whether those criteria needed updates/changes, and, frankly, sort of forced her to grade each college. It only took 15 min max. Of course, during those 1st 5 minutes, you’d think that I had asked her to part the Red Sea with the dramatic histrionics from her. LOL.
And then I pulled in the big guns of “Listen, if you want Daddy to stop bugging you a couple of times a day about this, you should consider at least exploring this as a decision making tool. Because like it or not, you do have to make a choice. You can also choose to go NOWHERE. THAT is a choice also. That choice will mean you won’t go to any of these colleges that accepted you.”
And that seems to get her off of her butt to make a decision. She wanted a couple more days to think about it and then finally did decide.
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My rassafrassing insurance will only cover 30 days at a time. It might be enough to make me switch insurance next open season.
I think it depends on the day whether I’m able to focus on the nice aspects of the empty nest (finally getting a meal plan for just 2 again!! a bedtime schedule that doesn’t have to take high school attendance time into account!!) and the freakout aspects of the empty nest (is S25 adjusting ok to new academic and social pressures? and is he just going to take the bus and show up at our house unannounced when DH and I have made ahem other plans??).
Feeling lucky to be on a relatively even keel, although the next few months might be trying.
This weekend is the first of only two potential admitted students events. If S25 feels really good after Saturday, there might be no further visits to Blacksburg. We shall see!
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I’m going to be good with it, eventually. Stuff like the idea of not having to cook big dinner is insanely appealing to me. And being able to take vacation whenever it works for me, and not JUST following the school schedule? I’m super excited about that. But I still need to work on a hobby. I spend a lot of time (still) doing kid related stuff - going to track meets, talking with him about what he’s got going on, shopping for food or shoes or whatever for him, spending way too much time on CC doing college research for him 
etc. I’m not sure what I’ll DO with those hours.
A few years ago I was honestly a little worried about it my marriage would survive it being just us. Then we (spouse and I) went on a two week vacation just us and I was all “hey! I DO still like you and want to be married to you! Woo Hoo!” So that’s good to know. But our schedules are so wonky - I get up by 5:00 and leave the house NLT 6:30 - to do that I need to get to bed relatively early. Spouse gets up at 9:15, works from home a bit, then leaves around 11:30 for the office, puts in five or six hours, gets home around 7:00, WFH a few more hours, goes to bed around 1:00. It’s a struggle to see each other just for dinner time, we really are like ships passing during the work week. The person i spend the most time with (awake) in the house is S25. So husband and I are going to need to figure out how to adjust work schedules, or I’m going to need to find something else to do on my own or in my community, or I’m afraid I’ll be bored and lonely.
So while I am super excited about some things about being an empty nester, my S25 takes up a lot of room in the nest, and I’m a little apprehensive about plugging that hole.
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I was super excited about being an empty nester, taking more trips with my husband and friends. But with the turmoil of jobs right now that’s sort of being part of whats sending me over the edge because what I thought my next few years would be and what they may actually be may not be the same.
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by new favorite word
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Thanks for the heads-up about hotel for move-in and parents’ weekend. Got move-in but parents’ weekend is booked except for non-refundable $400/night and I’m not willing to do that without having committed somewhere…
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