SAT prep was the element that took a huge back seat in our house as well. Not that she didn’t do any, but absolutely nowhere near what she originally hoped she would do.
We haven’t ‘pushed’ it from a parent perspective. We remind her often she’s a human being, not a robot/machine.
And her test scores reflect it… Hoping that she can focus a bit better once her fall sport season comes to a close. Such a delicate balance…
My daughter is pretty high achieving. A couple of points factor into this.
One, she doesn’t struggle with academics. Yes, she works very hard and is a perfectionist. She is highly organized and doesn’t miss deadlines. And she does sometimes have to stay up late because of an assignment. But the concepts for the most part come naturally to her. So there is some luck involved there.
Two, she is efficient. If she finishes in class work early, she doesn’t just chit chat with her neighbor until the end of class. She pulls out the homework that is due in a couple days in another class and gets a jump on it. That inclination to not waste time has served her well.
Also for her, number three is that she is privileged to attend a boarding school. Her sport is on campus and she gets started directly after the school day, no commuting. In fact, once a week her schedule worked out such that she does her sport at 11 am during a “free period”. That probably won’t be a factor for most of the high achieving kids you’re talking about but it makes a big difference.
She also has had to make choices for balance though! She decided to drop student council because she has so much going on between classes, riding, volunteering, being an RA, and other ECs. She was class president last year and I struggled with her decision, but she just thought for balance something had to give and that was the thing she least enjoyed. And when she told me she didn’t enjoy it, that sealed it for me. Ultimately, all our kids hopefully are doing what they do because they find some sort of joy or satisfaction in it!
My S22 is a lot like this. He still is, as a junior in college. He’s fortunate that he understands things easily and remembers them forever. But, he does work hard - I am not sure he’s ever handed something in late, unless he was sick. He always goes to class. He does all the optional problems given. He prefers classes that are not back to back and will get to the building for the next class and do homework. He likes to get it done in his free time spaces instead of at night if possible. He’s in engineering and in the marching band. So definitely has homework and projects and sometimes loses his entire Saturday to football, and he still does very well.
My D24 is smart and does well. She understands concepts pretty well, but not quite like S22. However, she does not use her time as efficiently. While nothing is late, she procrastinates and pushes the deadlines. She always seems more overwhelmed to me and I think she could change it easily by changing how and when she does things. But, she has hobbies that often take priority. And she likes her downtime a lot. I understand that, but it leads to frantic times that she dislikes. haha. We’re hoping to talk about this over winter break!
I do think some are just in the mindset to be efficient, work steadily, etc and it makes them look like they can do so much more.
We’ve been enjoying having D26’s big sister home all week from college…she (D24) heads back to college tomorrow. Decided to cancel the U of A tour for Monday and D26 & I are going to sleep in instead and take the entire day off and do absolutely nothing. The job at Walmart on the weekends is going fine so far. 3 more weeks until Winter Break!
In a nice unexpected turn of events, D26 brought home some progress reports from school today and currently has a B+ in physics! WOO!!
That’s awesome!
That was a challenging class for our D26. For whatever reason our district has them take it in Sophomore year. Junior year is Chem in 11. Chem 12 is optional next year.
Hi everyone. The kiddo received a disappointing rejection from NSLI-Y today. 2 years in a row. Last year she made semi finals. This year- straight up rejection. She’s taking it like a champ after an initial sob session. Her application seemed so strong. Her dream is to study in South Korea. This summer the plan was to see if she loves it as much in person as she imagined. ALSO this was her hook for competitive apps. Being a dancer for 12 years is not enough. Editor of the school literary magazine and in the creative writing club is not enough. Working at an overnight girls horse camp after being a camper every summer from the age of 5 (she was my helper when I was the nurse and now she works there all summer) is not enough. NSLI-Y may not have been enough but it’s a thing. A big thing.
So much disappointment. Picking up and carrying on. She has big dreams.
Planning tours in my hometown for April break- smith, mt Holyoke, Amherst, and I’ll hopefully get her to tour umass and Springfield college. The kid needs a few less competitive schools. I went to SC and loved it. Hoping she may like it though for it to be a safety for her. It may not have her vibe. She’s not a jock.
Anyone else have a kid that was repeatedly rejected but managed to pull it together? Such an emotional rollercoaster.
“Not enough”… I would try to reframe your perspective.
I mean, I absolutely know what you’re saying but I think it’s important for us to remember that our kids are ultimately going to be adults in the working world. Going to Harvard or some other highly selective school isn’t the be all end all. The ultimate goal is for our kids to end up happy and self sufficient, right? A highly competitive college doesn’t guarantee that.
As you point out, SC is where you were very happy and thrived. For me, Clark in Worcester was the right place. My own daughter has her sights set pretty high as well, but I also know that if she goes to a school like Clark or another “less” selective school, she can still do awesome, find her people, be happy.
I understand and commiserate with the feelings of disappointment, but give it a little time and then reframe how you’re looking at things. Your kiddo will end up somewhere where she will flourish, and that’s what matters. 
Totally agree. There are many routes to success and many different definitions of happiness.
D24 encountered a fair # of roadblocks, bumps in the road, etc. in high school. She was not a straight A student, did not have 1500+ SAT scores, applied to and got turned down from some summer programs, got rejected from about a dozen different part time jobs she applied to before somebody hired her, etc., etc.
She ended up at a really great college. It’s a school that’s affordable and has turned out to be a good fit for her socially & academically.
Give your daughter some time to mourn. But know that in the end, this will all eventually turn out ok. When she’s ready, consider shifting the focus from one of “OMG because I didn’t get accepted to X summer program, I’m doomed to not get into School A” to one of “What are some of the reasons/decision factors that School A was at the top of your list? And let’s try to find some other schools that have similar qualities.”
You’ll find that when you dig down a little bit under the surface, there’s a LOT of schools that your daughter might end up happy at. She just can’t see it yet.
One thing that a lot of high schoolers do, and you can’t really get away from, is that many of them rely on each other as a primary source of info about what’s a ‘good college’ to attend. Hence, there ends up being a lot of talk (and sometimes some bravado from some classmates) about how their #1 top choice is Brand College A, B, or C…but in reality, the reason that a lot of them say Brand Name College A, B, or C is because it’s at the top of a US News & World Report list.
1 of D24’s classmates last year was very boastful about this. The girl went on and on about how she was applying to something like 18 or 19 schools and how it would be “embarrassing if she ONLY got into Local Public U because they accept EVERYONE.” The classmate bragged a lot about her 1500+ SAT scores and bragged about her high GPA and what she thought were her amazing extracurriculars, never realizing that in reality, she was just a ‘standard excellent student.’ And she got rejected to all of the Top 25 schools she applied to. the only one she got accepted to was Local Public U. And that’s where she’s attending.
in my opinion, the challenge is a lot about making sure you have a well balanced list. Don’t end up with too many reaches on the list so your daughter doesn’t end up in the situation that my D24’s classmate did.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like your daughter is hard working and passionate, and will land on her feet no matter what.
Also, with competitive programs (including competitive colleges), it often is not about having enough. In this crazy day and age, there are so many kids doing so many things. You can have enough – the grades, the test scores, the extracurriculars – and still not get what you want. All three of my kids have had disappointments and rejections. They’ve been cut from teams, ghosted after job interviews, waitlisted or rejected from internships, etc. In fact, my D26 is in the process of re-applying right now for a paid hospital internship that she was waitlisted for last year.
In any event, enjoy your college tours!
This is good advice. For my kids, I have really tried to start from the bottom up when building a college list and visiting campuses. In other words, we start with a handful of “likely” colleges – visit those first and get some early excitement going – before throwing a few reaches on the list. (Although, in full disclosure, this has been trickier with D26 who is seriously considering direct admit nursing programs, all of which seem competitive even if the overall college acceptance rate is not.)
Another thing to consider in your daughter’s college search is since she didn’t get accepted to the NSLI-Y program in South Korea, maybe being able to do a semester or year-long study abroad in South Korea would be a big plus…and that’s a specific enough thing that you might look into the weeds a little bit in your college searches. Or maybe she decides at some point that she wants to minor in Korean, for example…that might drive one to look at some other colleges. 
For example, according to 2024-28 Flagship Announcement | Flagship, University of Hawaii at Manoa has a flagship program in Korean.
This might be a good thing, we know we will all face rejection in life after college. I was laid off a few months ago and am working through a few different job rejections. It’s life, happens to all of us, no one goes through a straight line HS → top college → awesome life. Facing adversity builds resiliency and that’s the most important criteria IMO. S26 has been rejected for state band 2 years running and I expect will face rejection from most of the summer internships he will apply to.
We have some backup plans, a jazz camp, summer community college courses and a part time job if nothing else comes through. Have options for your kids and have them be realistic options.
Thank you all for your advice! She’s been a trooper. The last time she received the rejection, we happen to be visiting Washington DC and literally were right near the department of state building, which is where they make the decisions. And then we arrived at our hotel to find a delegation from South Korea there. It was like the universe telling her something, we just don’t know what. She definitely doesn’t lead a charmed life and has had plenty of rejections and disappointments. This one, just stings a bit more than others.
It hurts more because this was something that she’s been passionate about at a time in her life when she’s lost her passion for dance and horseback riding. She decided that both of those things were taking up way too much of her time and energy, considering that she didn’t have any plans to continue them after graduation. She didn’t quit either of them, but she scaled way back from super competitive to a casual activity.
She’s landing on her feet and diving headfirst into her writing.
I know we all want the best for our kids and maybe sometimes the best isn’t always getting the thing that they want. Rejection builds character. I’m telling myself that. And telling her to keep her chin up.
I’m sorry. It’s so difficult when our kids are disappointed about things they have worked so hard for. Even when you know things are highly selective, it sucks.
I have to say that although it’s not an auto admit so there is always risk, I’m glad C26’s top choice is a not very selective public, as are most of the other colleges on their (current anyway) list. D19 was ecstatic when she was accepted at her reach school (- although we never said this to each other I don’t think either of us really thought she was going to get in), but I saw so much angst among her friends that application season.
Our D26 is also looking at relatively less selective publics. Honestly it would be kind of fun for me if she had some moonshot reaches on her list, but I am not sure we can come up with any affordable reaches that she can get excited about! 
At this point her top choice seems to be UC Davis which is more of a target / toss-up for her stats… she thinks she likes it more than UCB and the other more selective UCs… and she hasn’t shown much interest in smaller or private schools. But we’ll see how her list evolves.
C26’s top choice is mainly due to the specific program, which is at Boulder. (But it doesn’t seem to be a particularly selective one like their engineering programs) Nothing else in the stated geographical constraints is an exact match for that so any backup college will be somewhat different, but workable with what they want to ultimately do. They will need to do a masters if all goes according to plan and I suspect that they will probably aim for a top tier school for that, assuming that they do well in undergrad. But let’s not put the cart before the horse lol.
S26 was also not in love with UCB, we all thought UC Davis was very friendly and that will def be a target for him. His top choice is UCSB but from his HS the acceptance chances for UCB and UCSB are the same which I find sad.