<p>I am on the adhd/asperger/ lexia spectrum as are my kids.
However, I am only now recognizing that I am much more severely impacted than my kids are and that I have greatly harmed them by not being as motherly as I should have been.
My parents, I suspect were on the spectrum as well, but because information about differences that were anything less than acute was all but non-existent in the 1960’s & 1970’s, they were aware that something was wrong, but they didn’t have the tools or resources to help.</p>
<p>To my credit (IMO), even if I didn’t recognize the depth to which I lacked nurturing intelligence, I did recognize that I wasn’t providing something they needed and tried to surround my kids with more nurturing adults. Great coaches, private lessons/schools & support for their interests.
Children can learn to manage many of the traits that make being on the spectrum difficult and Id like to think that even though I wasn’t given an opportunity in childhood to pursue my own strenghts or get support where I needed it, that I was able to help my kids develop skills that made them as successful as they are today.
[NIMH</a> · Study Documents that Some Children Lose Autism Diagnosis](<a href=“http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2013/study-documents-that-some-children-lose-autism-diagnosis.shtml]NIMH”>http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2013/study-documents-that-some-children-lose-autism-diagnosis.shtml)</p>
<p>Because there is a strong genetic link to autism ( which it is called now as the new DSM-V has removed categories like aspergers and pdd-nos), I know there are other parents like me out there just because there are so many children with the diagnosis in early childhood.</p>
<p>It really breaks my heart that I have hurt my children so badly, to the point that my oldest daughter who I gave birth to ten weeks early after 14 weeks of bedrest, sat at her bedside for 14 hrs a day during the 8 weeks she was in the hospital & nursed even though she was four months old before she was big enough to do so full time, is currently estranged from me. I haven’t heard her voice since I saw her at Christmas. :(</p>
<p>But, I love my kids both very much & as they say " where theres life, theres hope", so I pray that we will be reunited one day when she is ready. Even though I worry about her, I am glad that she is trying to take care of herself.</p>
<p>Warning, as you investigate resources, you are likely to run across adult children who are furious that their parent had aspergers. There is a lot of hurt & hate out there, some even call their mothers monsters.</p>
<p>EK… so sorry to hear about the estrangement with your daughter. I imagine this has been a very painful process for you to discover and experience so personally.</p>
<p>emeraldkity, while I imagine this revelation is both painful and clarifying, I would like to offer another perspective.
I post on CC infrequently, but have followed the parent cafe for 6 or more years, especially Dressing Young. During that time, I have noticed your many thoughtful posts, generous in that you take time to post, are articulate, and have ideas worth listening to. Nurturance has many faces. It has to do with kindness and caring. I believe that many of us have a bit of spectrumy stuff inside. You have been thoughtful and caring in my experience. </p>
<p>The difficulties with your daughter have to do with fit in your mutual relationship. I believe that most of us are the best human parents we know how to be. Sometimes our kids want or think they need us to be different than we are or have been. It’s a relationship that takes work. Forgiving our parents for being less than perfect parents takes a great deal of maturity. Your daughter is not there yet. She will figure it out. Forgive yourself.</p>
<p>As Merlin said. Emeraldkity4 you have been a friendly, quirky, empathetic voice to so many on this forum. I would not have guessed you were anywhere near the spectrum. Many of us understand our mothers when it is too late…often when we are mothers ourselves. You are a wise lady and I feel sure you D will come back to you in time. I am sorry we can’t help with the heartache you are feeling now…but you know you did your best with the tools you had and she will most definitely recognise it eventually.</p>
<p>E4, I have enjoyed your posts over many years. You seem caring and generous of spirit to me. And quirky. I think quirky is great!</p>
<p>Be gentle with yourself. I hope your D comes back closer to you in time.
We have two very, very different children, now grown. I question how well I parented all the time. DD has moderate special needs and impacted her brother’s childhood in many ways, even though we tried to keep things ‘normal’ (whatever that is).</p>
<p>We did our best. I bet you did also. Wishing you peace and calm.</p>
<p>ek, I hope you will move toward forgiving yourself. I believe it IS to your credit that you recognized that something was missing, and did everything you could to provide that to your kids. You were far ahead of your time in that. </p>
<p>I just have a feeling that your D will also come to understanding and forgiveness, with time. There may come a point when you two can talk openly about what’s happened, and how you both feel, and healing will come with that. In the meantime, you did your best with the information and resources you had at the time. No one can do more.</p>
<p>Ek - you are always one of the most non-judgmental, thoughtful people who post here. Although I am happy to hear that you have started to recognize your own spot on “the spectrum,” please don’t second-guess everything you did as a mom. NONE of us are perfect. We have all had cringe-worthy moments. And your temporary estrangement at the moment with your daughter has as much to do with who she is as a person as it does with you. </p>
<p>If my parents had been told when I was in my twenties that I would be the child that would care for them in their 80’s they would have never believed it. Things change.</p>
<p>My dad is on the spectrum, too. He didn’t know that until I was diagnosed as a 20 year old and then things started to click into place-- and he is a lot worse than I am. I’d say we have a bad relationship, but that implies there is a relationship at all and there really hasn’t been up to this point. We fought like hell when I was a kid only to not talk at all when I was a teen and young(er) adult.</p>
<p>Now that I understand that relating to me is something he struggles with and not something he just doesn’t feel like doing, I forgive him for a lot of the things I was angry about growing up. The only reason I am still angry is because it feels like he doesn’t try-- and he truly doesn’t, or at least, he didn’t. I think he feels like he doesn’t know how so he doesn’t bother to try. He does the same thing in his marriage and, honestly, it ****es me off. The whole time I was away at college, a mere 20 minutes away, I don’t think we spoke more than once or twice. I sent him emails, his preferred method of communication, but he didn’t reply-- though I found out later he went over them at length with my mom. When we lived together we went days at a time without speaking. It was as if he wasn’t there. </p>
<p>But I still love him and, now that I understand, I forgive him. And I don’t think I could even be mad at him anymore at all if he would try-- and now that I am an adult and he can relate to me a little easier, he IS trying. For the first time in my life we are starting to develop some kind of a relationship. Right now it is limited to his wanting to be there for me to help with the house-- he’s run water lines for me, installed lights, that sort of thing. It doesn’t sound like much, but for him to go out of his way to do anything for me like that is a big deal, and he comes over and hugs me and says he’s happy to see me and he helps me with whatever I need him to do. That is a start. He’s really become best buddies with my fiance, too-- they have a lot of the same interests, and by extension he’s a little bit closer to me, too. To see him trying at all makes me feel so much better and our relationship has really improved. I think it’s going to be okay now.</p>
<p>I guess I just posted this because I wanted you to know that, from my experience, no matter how bad it is it’s never too late. When you’re a child you need your parents and you’re selfish and can’t see past their limitations-- and you have a right to be as a child-- but as an adult things change, and it may not be ideal but it’s not too late.</p>
<p>:o
Thanks for the good wishes- but I didnt really start this to get support although I appreciate it- I mainly started it for those people who dont know why their girlfriend cant stand to be touched, or why they feel like they dont fit in.</p>
<p>I have been to several different therapists and even neurologists, but they were using outdated models and weren’t listening to what I was saying.</p>
<p>I dont know exactly what made me finally have this break through, because I have known I had tendencies towards behaviors that were on the spectrum ever since I started trying to explore more about learning differences to help my kids. But Ive been spending time thinking about my behavior because of my estrangment with my daughter and the articles on trauma led to articles on aspergers which led to articles on * women* with aspergers, which led to my lightbulb moment. And I admit my medical canna butter cookies probably assisted with that.
Anyway
I just read this book before I give it to my H & while there are some things that aren’t accurate ( I am not OCD, especially about cleaning- I like everything where I can see it) & the phrase " aspergirl" just is a little cutesy for me- enough of it is right on in a concise way that I could never describe so succinctly.</p>
<p>All the pieces fell into place and I know now where I fit. But I want to explain something- when I thought I was NT with " tendencies", I beat myself up constantly because I thought I should be excelling in all these different areas and just wasn’t trying hard enough.</p>
<p>I also admit that part of me pitied those who were different, because I saw them as less ( ironic because I felt like I was less already):(</p>
<p>But now that I know this about me, I feel empowered because I feel validated for my difference & perspective. I don’t have to change the way I see things, even if I could.</p>
<p>I read a fantastic book about being on the spectrum a few years ago. Because, basically, everyone is on one spectrum or another. It is a matter of degrees. It made me feel better, and gave me a better understanding of (and sympathy for) people’s quirks or their full blown expression of traits that we all have, but don’t get labelled with because they aren’t extreme. Being partially on the spectrum can have great advantages, too, BTW. Many successful people are successful because of their <em>spectrum</em> traits.</p>
<p>I know you didn’t come here for comfort, but who knows why kids get estranged from parents? It happens to all sorts of people, even people who seem to get it all pretty much right with their parenting. I hope your daughter is just working through something, and the relationship will get better in time.</p>
<p>Emeraldkity: I have thought about your first post several times. I have read so many of your posts over the years and feel like I know you and your family since you post on so many different subjects. I live in the same area as you and have always felt like you were sort of a neighbor “down the road a apiece.”</p>
<p>It is obvious from all the activities and schools and college support you have described for your Ds over the years that you are a very caring mom. I can’t imagine you have failed your Ds in any significant way. They are lucky to have you as a mom, and you have done some amazing things for them in guiding their educational paths. </p>
<p>A child psychologist that my D saw told me that some Ds have to have a break from the mother in order to establish themselves as an independent woman. This is earlier for some (hostile teen) and later for others. I think this must be what your D is going through. </p>
<p>It is very hard when you have poured so much energy into raising a child to have that child hurt your feelings. Try to take care of yourself now and try to put your Ds issues “on the shelf” for awhile. You will have to disengage as a mom while this is going on. I don’t think it will last forever.</p>
I mainly started it for those people who dont know why their girlfriend cant stand to be touched, or why they feel like they dont fit in.</p>