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<li> I think that it’s pretty normal for parents of your kids’ bf/gf’s to be a little worried when they hear your kids are in the arts. It’s probably not so much being judgmental as it is worrying about their own kids’ security (financial security). If your kids were just friends of their kids, they’d likely think it was delightful that your kids were in the arts. Being friends with “one of those people” is one thing…<em>marrying</em> one is another! :-)</li>
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<p>It would be good to talk to your kids and help them understand that if their potential in-laws are difficult people, they need to realize right up front that they are signing on for life with these people. They can’t expect their future spouse to drop his/her parents. That won’t happen. If they marry someone with difficult parents, they really don’t have any right to whine and complain about them. That will just be upsetting to their spouse.</p>
<p>I had to make a choice this summer also. My nephew is marrying a girl from California. Our family is all in Mass. They are choosing to have their wedding in California. I have one D in college and another one starting this fall. I also have a 9 year old. There is no way we can afford to go to Califronia. They did have a prewedding reception here which we attended and gave a generous card. We are however the only family members not going to California and though I do feel somewhat sad about this there is just no way we can go. We have to take care of our finacial obligations and that would put a serious dent in the money we have for their first semesters tuition.</p>
<p>About the car junk yards will come and tow it away for free and sometimes even pay you.</p>
<p>As for the moms of your kids sinificant others try not to get too involved with that. Things have a way of changing rather quickly. My own D was in a relationship with a guy for about 1 year. He was ok, but his mom was very intrusive and demanding and he became unable to stand up to her. I was pretty worked up about things at the time but in the end it ended. All we can really do is listen and be there. I am still trying to remember that.</p>
<p>I enjoy your posts; they show sensitivity. You seem willing to share your time and thoughts with posters. Any child should be happy to have a mIL such as you. Please don’t question your own value system.</p>
<p>I attend weddings et al with closest relatives, and don’t have the $1000 to go to the more distant affairs. Often, I made a charitable donation in honor of the occasion. Its nice to get together with family when I can.</p>
<p>I agree that you should 86 the van in your driveway. Sell it and that money can go towards a new, cheaper car. I just heard VW Rabbits, new and loaded with all the things young drivers like, can be as low as $189 a month! A part time job can pay for that, and the presence of air bags, a/c, and a warranty will give lots of peace of mind. Old cars are expensive to maintain.</p>
<p>You are free of the in-law issue as far as your kids go. Whatever the parents of bf/gf’s say to you can roll off like water on a duck’s back. It’s not your job to take that on. You’ve done your time with in-laws, and now it’s your kids’ turn to manage theirs. I guess you just need to be a sounding board for their feelings about these people, without adding any fuel to the flame. </p>
<p>I hope all of your children get in-laws who do value them. I got in-laws who were extremely critical from the get-go. They don’t even know me - they jumped all over me from the beginning and I have never been able to be myself around them. It never completely goes away as an issue. The person who ends up suffering the most is not the victim of the criticism, it’s the child of the critical in-law. I have long gotten over the inability of these people to forgive imagined slights or to be kind-hearted, but my husband will always have to live with the knowledge that when he needed his family most (as he tried to go off and start his own) they were not there for him. The reality is that some people see families as cliques, and emotionally never get out of high school. My husband is truly worth all of the trouble, so if your kids marry into families with a Cruella DeVille matriarch or Cinderella’s stepsisters as sister-in-laws (or small minded, jealous types as brother-in-laws) they can still have a wonderful life if the person they marry is the right one.</p>
<p>Regarding second cousins, I think a card will suffice while you put your time and financial assets toward your own immediate family. You can always be the first one to change the way things are done. I am sure others in your family will be relieved that someone lowered the cost of participation!</p>
<p>I wonder how many people who are struggling to pay for weddings are secretly HOPING that some relatives/friends of the parents, etc DON’T go to the wedding to save on the caterer and bar tab. You might actually be doing them a big favor by sending a card and token gift. Grandma’s recipes and a cute kitchen item might be the answer.</p>
<p>Chiming in late here as well … I, too, have enjoyed your thoughtful and sensitive posts and I have to agree when Bookworm wrote, " I enjoy your posts; they show sensitivity. You seem willing to share your time and thoughts with posters. Any child should be happy to have a mIL such as you. Please don’t question your own value system."</p>
<p>However, as far as situation #3 goes, I really think you would feel better if you said something to that catty, horrible woman. Perhaps you could say, “If you EVER disrespect my child again, you and I are going to have a ‘come to Jesus meetin’!” I think you could take some of your frustrations from items #1 and 2 and 3, and put them in one basket. I think that’s very efficient.</p>
<p>A personal account on #3 type situation: In my early 20’s I became involved with a “person in the arts”. It was soon apparent that his potential to generate income was woeful. My ability on the other hand was optimistic. We came to an early understanding that I would be the breadwinner, and when our son was born, my husband became his primary caregiver. Well, it worked out great for us and 37 years later we’re still happy.</p>
<p>My family on the other hand worried themselves sick over this arrangement. The degree of politeness varied but all of them at some time made it very clear that I had married a “bounder” etc., etc. Why couldn’t I be more like my sisters whose husbands were respectable professionals etc. etc?</p>
<p>The irony of the situation is that both of my sisters suffered bitter divorces and over time my dear husband came to be the much loved son and brother in law, providing emotional support to the whole family.</p>
<p>So, Paying, congratulations on your 25th! I wish your children the same good fortune and trust that they’ll choose mates who appreciate them, even if their in-laws carp. Having mutual goals and open conversation is the key. </p>
<p>For them, that is. For you, keep quiet, don’t get confrontational or defensive and just repeat the mantra: every familty is different.</p>
I think you could take some of your frustrations from items