Parents, please help me move into "Forward" mode

Parents Forum
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<p>Yesterday was our 25th wedding anniversary. As youngest prepares for college 3,000 miles away, I find myself spending this week framing family pictures as if I could put the whole experience of parenting in a box, literally, just to savor and enjoy with my cup of tea, staring at this new family-pix wall I’m creating here. I’ll be working part-time teaching because of a disability, so no more mega-physical stress on my poor body.</p>

<p>Life Is Beautiful and believe me, I’m counting every blessing and ignoring the curses.</p>

<p>But there are some things that have just been “stuck” and if anyone cares to make suggestions on any of these, please do. It’s not necessary to be polite, diplomatic or couch things in “I” messages. I can deal with it.</p>

<li><p>In our driveway sits a 1991 Toyota mini-van with a flat tire, expired registration, broken air conditioning and a huge fender dent from some anonymous parent who attended a teacher’s conference (grrr). It has no airbags. None of my 3 kids has a car, and only the youngest even wants one because they chose public transpo lives. But this doesn’t seem the one to keep saving or planning to give them, either. Costly to get it back to speed and then there are no airbags, right? Others tell me to sell it b/c most people couldn’t care less about an airbag… anyway it’s ugly dead weight, worth
?? $$, not even sure how to evaluate it. S starting college in Southern California (screenwriting major at Chapman U) dreams of a car, understandably, but when it costs 1K to reinstall new AC (I was told) it also seems the wrong car. H is determined he should start out there w/o a car, which the college admin described as a “perk” but not a “necessity.” I feel like we might be stranding him out there without a way to seek out internships or jobs. H says it makes no sense to fund a car and the increased insurance so that he can take a job to support a car. At least, let him start as a freshman and take stock of what’s really necessary for a term or a year. And so the van sits, with me feeling vaguely like we’re letting our S down and giving him great opportunity with no way to act fully upon it. S works every day now moving furniture so he’s doing all he can to build up some money, no problem with his character. </p></li>
<li><p>Does everybody out there fly, stay in motels, buy or send expensive state-of-the-art weddng registry presents for weddings of the 2.5 children of your first cousins? We are blessed with 30 first cousins on my H’s side (he’s from 5 brothers) and 9 on my side. We like most of these cousins and love to gather, but I wonder about extending the same expectations for cousins into a whole new generation like this. Put differently, I have to choose between spending $500 to see my cousin’s son get married versus flying to visit/emotionally support my own child, newly setting-up in a city following college grad. Guess who I want to see more (my kids), yet the cousins I haven’t seen in a decade so in a way that’s equally compelling. I don’t know why I’m struggling with this, but I’m stuck on priorities. It gets harder to keep the large extended family together when everyone lives all over the country.
Lately I’ve been trying to attend the closer-located cousin occasions but ignoring the ones in Texas and California, to the great dismay of my MIL who is 87. See why I’m stuck? </p></li>
<li><p>The mothers of the boyfriends/girlfriends of my own 3 are very controlling and judgmental, IMHO. They have said things to me that indicate they don’t think my kids are quite good enough for theirs. I think it’s b/c my kids are in the performing arts, not science, medicine, business or law, so this hurts me a lot to hear. I respect their kids and only compliment them on their brilliant accomplishments. I’d never dream of saying a negative word to any of them, as all are younger than 25 so why even judge like that? One mom described my creative, intuitive kid as “so flighty.” Another challenged my S’s ability to get a fallback job teaching drama 15 years from now in case he doesn’t make it as an actor, which he shows every signs of beginning professional success already. The other Mom is different, in that she controls her own good daughter mercilessly so is always trying to draw my S into her petty quarrels with the D. He’s too smart to take the bait, so we just listen out his tales of woe and offer him support and guidance alone. I don’t want to interact or tangle with ANY of these moms, but I don’t know if this is a normal response to kids in the performing arts as potential “mates” for more traditionally professional offspring. I don’t even know why it bothers me what they say, except that it’s a realization that my kids’ futures could include two moms, one of whom might take fault with them at a core level. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>If anyone “twigs” on any of these (a lovely Canadian expression), please pipe up. If not, thanks for reading. I know I write too long, very old-fashioined.</p>

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<p>As far as #1 on your list, you could consider donating the old minivan to a charity (around here the Kidney Foundation asks for donations of vehicles). They will come pick it up, even if it isn’t driveable, and I think they auction them off. You can then take a tax deduction for the book value of the vehicle and you will be rid of it without stress. We did this for our very old van when the transmission went. Another option is to donate it to a Vo-Tech school where auto mechanics is taught, and similarly get a tax deduction. My sister-in-law did this. If one of your kids wants/needs a car, they should look for the type they want (such as a small, fuel-efficient one, for example) rather than take that mini-van which needs expensive repairs just because it happens to be sitting there in your driveway.</p>

3

<p>As far as #2,
I think in this day and age, with extended family living thousands of miles apart, it is unrealistic to expect to attend every wedding, graduation, celebration…and I can’t believe that people would not understand this. Send a nice card and maybe a gift.</p>

<p>Over the years, between my husbands brothers and sisters and mine, we have acquired multiple dozens of nieces and nephews, not to mention cousins. At some point, it became obvious that sending presents to everyone at Christmas was a ridiculous financial burden. Same thing for attending graduations and weddings- it really cannot be done. In the old days, when everyone lived in the same county or town, maybe. Not anymore.</p>

4

<p>We all have our own perspectives and values. I can only tell you what I would do. I did and do not want my D to have a car while in college. To some extent we thought about that when picking colleges. I would not fix the A/C in the old minivan, but I would keep it. We have an old, high mileage '91 Corolla. We keep up the registration and turn the insurance on and off, as needed. My D is using it this summer to commute a 100 miles/day for a summer job.</p>

<p>I can’t help you on the decision about visiting your S or going to a relative’s wedding. Personally, I would skip the wedding visit, but I am a man and never had much use for the big wedding blowouts.</p>

<p>I would recommend keeping as far as possible from involvement with boyfriend or girlfriend families. Polite and cordial is about it. Then again I am neither, but I can muster neutral. </p>

<p>It sounds as if the anniversary and pending college departure has put you in a temporary funky mood. Be well.</p>

5

<ol>
<li> The car–sell or donate it. Next year, when your son is settled, think of getting a SAFE reliable car w/good fuel efficiency. Fresh year is not really the time for internships, jobs etc. Let him get his bearings first, make contacts and friends. Meanwhile, relish the thousands you will save in insurance, repairs, registration and save towards a decent vehicle. And also count your blessings that your kids can use public transportation unlike here in the 'burbs. </li>
<li> Weddings–the nuclear family is first. Some weddings/family reunions are great–a lot more involve the guests taking bets on how long the marriage will last. If you have any warm fuzzy thoughts about the wedding, watch “Bridezilla” on WE TV–it captures a lot of what weddings have come to symbolize now unfortunately. (Sorry to be so cynical, but right now here in flood ravaged Texas I know a bride who is refusing to come to grips that she is not going to have her creekside wedding tomorrow and is making family life hell) Send a nice note to your cousins, as nice a gift as you can afford without making your kids sacrifice, and then visit those who mean most to you, and who will cherish your visit most (probably your kids)</li>
<li>Chances are your kids are NOT going to marry their current gf/bf. But if they do, hold your tongue. They will realize how horrible their in-laws are on their own, and will need you to be gracious for them. You will win over d/in laws, s/in laws and grandkids by not rising to the bait. My own kid has friends, not bf/gf who have overbearing moms, and is so sweet and understanding to me for being able to get along with the Momzillas…some battles aren’t worth it.</li>
</ol>

<p>Best of luck…</p>

6

<p>I’ll pipe up on #3. Having observed my own mother and my mother-in-law in action for 30+ years, I counseled my own D on this not too long ago. Her bf has had a very turbulent relationship with his mother for several years. “I hate her” kind of sums it up for him. A relatively recent blow-up occurred when she was suggesting to him that D maybe wasn’t a good influence on him, and her questioning my husband and my lifestyle of, among other things, enjoying an early retirement (or maybe it’s just a hiatus to enjoy the kids while they’re still around…) The fact that his mother never strays far from Neiman-Marcus while I’m regularly seen at Wal-mart and Kohl’s has come up a few times, also…</p>

<p>While keeping my own opinions to myself (that she’s a stuck-up, manipulative b**** who’s completely out of touch with her own kids), I pointed out to my D that she might as well come to terms with the issues that no mother is ever going to think that she’s “good enough” for her son; that every cross word that has been spoken between son and mother since they were dating was D’s fault, any time that son hasn’t wanted to do something with his mother (or family) since the time he began dating D has been ALL D’s fault…</p>

<p>The ridiculous thing is that D was compared to one of the (many) female companions of the older son (who was described as SOOOOO nice!!!). Let’s see…older son/girlfriend:–major pot-heads and drinkers (on a recent weekend at the family’s mountain home, Dad bought the beer so that kids wouldn’t be tempted to buy beer illegally and Mom told him to do all his “smoking” outside), older son was known in high school for his ability to get greatest number of “hot” babes into bed… Grades in high/school and now college have been dicey to say the least.</p>

<p>Fast forward to my D and their youngest son…Math/science geeks who met in computer science class 3 years ago, and have been study partners and grade competitors in calculus and physics before becoming a “couple” this year…who are adamantly against drugs, alcohol, and who have discussed many times with each other (and also, D and I have talked) that neither are emotionally ready for sex yet, regardless of what the hormones say…</p>

<p>This woman has the GALL to say that D is a “bad” influence on him??? When I spoke with her after graduation, I remained pleasant and cordial, I held back all natural instincts to gouge her eyes out with my fingernails and yank her beautifully coiffed fake-blonde hair out by the roots.</p>

<p>I think this kind of thing is part of the package of having kids. Hmmmphph.</p>

7

<p>We donated a boat to Goodwill once. Salvation Army also take cars and fixes them up for people who need them to get to work but otherwise couldn’t afford a car.
I would get rid of the old van if nobody ever plans to use it but I am a self-confessed “purger”…always cleaning out stuff we don’t use.<br>
Maybe you are feeling hesitant about it because it was the vehicle you chauffered your kids around it. So it has sentimental feelings attached to it.</p>

<p>I would def. skip the cousin’s kid’s wedding and visit my own kid. My family is spread out too so we don’t expect relatives to show up for things like that.</p>

<p>Try to stay away from the BF/GF controversy. I know it riles up the Mama Bear if someone has made you feel your kids aren’t “good enough”. I’ve been in that situation with S’s old gf’s family. The thing was, it never seemed to bother him so I just tried to go with the flow and let the little comments/snubs slide by. They eventaully broke up and I was relieved.</p>

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<p>Donate the car, and use the tax deduction for an account that S and you can build up to buy his own car that runs. Go to the wedding. You will feel guilty if you don’t, and you will see your kids at Christmas, etc. You will have a good time, and you don’t have to give a huge gift, especially since you are spending the $ to attend. (You won’t have to attend any others after that, since you got what you wanted - to see everyone) As to the parents, it sounds like a lack of understanding to me. Those artsy kids have lots of options in life, and more power to them for doing what they love! They will never be the depressed “Do I have to go into work today?” type of people. Ignore the parents. Just be courteous and polite. Killing them with kindness will eventually make them feel really bad about themselves, and if it doesn’t, then they will never change, and it will be best to keep distant.</p>

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<p>Donate the van- everyone tells you to. </p>

<p>Think nuclear family. Spend your time and money on your kids, only attend events for those you have a current close relationship with. Never sacrifice time or money on peripheral relatives if it makes a difference to your own nuclear family or you. Think of the recipient’s perspective- do they really care if auntie comes/gives a gift except for the added money in their pocket? Probably not that much. You are also far too old/grown up to worry about what your/your spouse’s siblings think.</p>

<p>Don’t worry about your kids’ friends’ relatives, if they become inlaws your relationship is with your kid’s spouse, not them. An extra layer of insulation.</p>

<p>Think new life as an empty nester. Get rid of the clutter, eg the van. Rethink family relationships, eg all those peripheral relatives and their events. Get used to a new way of thinking about your own nuclear family- your kids will eventually form a new one without you in it- their inlaws will not be part of yours.</p>

<p>Your kids get to move on- so do you. Enter a new phase in your life, you deserve it. You will always be the anchor for your family, but you don’t need to keep the past alive. Remember how you evolved from being a child to an independent adult, time now to evolve from the at home children to adults only phase. ENJOY.</p>

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<p>Your son will definitely want/need a car in California- if not immediately, as soon as it is feasible. Our public transportation is poor to non-existent.
Orange County is a large, spread-out community, and people are limited without transportation. Personally, I’d want a car for my kid that wasn’t a van, as I wouldn’t want him to be driving a lot of kids in the car. I’d also want him to have airbags and the newer breaks. If selling the van or donating it for the tax write-off would make a car possible for your son to use, I’d do it.
The most expensive part of him having a car is the insurance, but if he is working in the summers, he could help pay for it. </p>

<p>I would not feel guilty about skipping a weddings- any wedding- except those of my immediate family. Order something from their registry to be delivered - it’s the easiest way now with everything online, and send a congratulatory card as well. </p>

<p>I’ve always enjoyed your posts, P3T, as you often give such wise and helpful comments to others. I wish I had some wisdom to share regarding the parents of your kid’s special “others.” Of course you mind that your kids aren’t being appreciated. Some people will never think that anyone is good enough for their kid. I doubt very much that this is about your kids at all!
Also it must be difficult to listen to your son regarding his girlfriend’s parents without getting somewhat upset. My only suggestion is just be grateful he comes to you, and trust that he will make the choices that are best for him. </p>

<p>And don’t apologize for your “old fashioned” language. It’s delightful.</p>

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<p>Car- why even think about the AC? when we lived in Germany, we bought a VW bug, I think it was one of the first after WW2, it had no heat, it was duct taped together, but it ran well, and when we moved, we sold it to the next family that came along, I would guess that some car will pop up when needed</p>

<p>As well, if you choose this cousin’s kid, you are set up to have to choose in the future who to pick to visit, best to say, nope, can’t afford it, and the
timing is terrible, here is a nice present, and here is a book of wisdom, and if MIL is so peeved, she can buy your plane tickets then and get myspaces or something to reconnect</p>

<p>As for the potential inlaws, eh, what you gonna do…just smile alot and say, see kids, I could have been so much worse</p>

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<ol>
<li><p>Donating car sounds good to me. Or sell it as is. No air bags, not good.</p></li>
<li><p>Wedding. We had a CA wedding with most of the family on the East Coast. one pair of aunt and uncle came (my favorite) and that was fine. None of my cousins came. I’d have liked to have seen some of them, but I didn’t expect to see any of them. Modest gifts are fine. If things on the registry are too pricey get something you like. Our non-registry gifts were much more interesting than what we had down!</p></li>
<li><p>Try to ignore toxic people.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>astrophysicsmom: I have never been in Neiman-Marcus! Well done you that you can retire. My projected date is 2021! (ouch!)</p>

<p>paying3tuitions: I too have enjoyed your posts.</p>

<p>Go to the wedding only if it would give you support, connectedness and pleasure at this time. Personally, I am with edad. I dread these things, particularly because all my family ever cares about is what each of us weighs (my Achilles’ heal), but my kids have urged me to attend some shindigs because they wanted to be connected to family, and I have been pleasantly surprised by the value of connections. Perhaps you could sell van to fund trips.</p>

<p>Other parents. How ridiculous that creativity is so undervalued. (One of my kids wants to be a lawyer & one a doctor and we wonder what we did wrong. LOL.) However, the field isn’t what they’re talking about – it’s MONEY. How sad that this is our only lens. (BTW one of my kids wants to do think tank Constitutional Law, the other Doctors Without Borders. Not good catches. No money + massive loans!) I have been through this. These parents are afraid of losing control of their own children. Make your children aware of the fact that they may never change and may always be a source of friction & then forget it.</p>

<p>You sound a little blue, but transitions are tough. (I should know. Going through one.)</p>

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<p>Agreeing with ASAP, I enjoy your posts paying3tuitions.</p>

<p>Only chiming in on #1 because we had to unexpectedly wrestle with this one recently. I agree that freshman year can be managed fine without a car. You can adopt a wait and see approach, but be prepared for the fact that California can be a difficult place without a car. Our younger S is a performing arts student still in HS, and his schedule is anything but predictable with last minute auditions in locales where public transportation is a constraint. Think sprawling suburbs. Many frugal CA students take cars to school after their freshman years.</p>

<p>S1 is in a city and we fully expected that he would not need a car at all for all four years. He didn’t want the additional expense and enjoys public transportation. Fine for the school year, plus not really an option since freshman are not even allowed to have a car. YMMV, but S1 did have lots of interviews for internships his freshman year. Public transportation was fine for those since he was in a city, but accepting any number of opportunities involved a move, and we’re 3000 miles away. Our S faced many dilemmas. </p>

<p>1) how to pack up his dorm, move stuff off-campus to living group for following year, and then move himself and stuff to an apartment in another city. He handled the on campus stuff by pooling resources with other students. He planned on flying to internship, managing clothing with suitcases limits, and computer with carryon. Additional stuff could either be packed and mailed, sent with a roommate who happened to live in suburb near city, or bought on site.</p>

<p>2) though summer internship is in a city with excellent public transportation, one of his ECs that he continues in college is held in various locations beyond the reaches of public trans. He tried to find rental cars companies who would rent to an under 21 student, but the expense was prohibitive. He tried the rent-a-wreck route, Zip cars and what not. No luck. Car pool was not an option. </p>

<p>3) the additional expense of having a car if one was available. Parking in the city is expensive. Insurance had to be added back on for student-driver. S would have pick up this expense out of his earnings.</p>

<p>4) what to do about a car just for the summer. No relatives on the East Coast. We do have a 1995 car parked in the driveway that I tried to drive once a week to keep the battery charged. When S2 earned his license in winter, we used this car as the available third car. We could go without the car here for the summer, so we explored shipping cross country (quotes ranged from $700-1000) and found it was cheaper than the gas, motel stays, time, & wear and tear on the car. </p>

<p>It needed new tires also, so that was a consideration. There is a leak in the A/C, but we weren’t going to fix that. He could re-charge the system & add Freon as a patch for closer to $100. Even if feasible, driving it across country was not an option as S1 was going from finals to job start over the Memorial Day Weekend. H did not have the time nor the desire to drive it across country by himself. S2 was still in school with finals, so it precluded a family trip.</p>

<p>5) how to pack up summer apartment and move belongings back to college city before coming home for two-week vacation. Though S is a minimalist by necessity and the apartment was furnished, he has acquired kitchen stuff since he was cooking for himself as well as other incidentals. All this had to be dealt with before returning to school for Fall.</p>

<p>We thought we could buy another cheap used car, but we didn’t want the expense of an additional car until we knew more about where S2 will be in two years. This car is also a family favorite as it has been worked on and modified by H and the boys. It’s a small car with good gas mileage. So when H and S1 ran all the numbers, it turned out to be cheaper to just ship it to him and let him handle all the moving on his own. He has the option of a cross country road-trip home with a friend or he can ship it back. I like having the third car during the school year, and S1 doesn’t want the added expense for the school year.</p>

<p>6) Surprises: many interns have cars for the summer. In fact, out of area residents who intern in CA often get rental car expenses as part of their internship salary packages (more often for Jr year interns and highly unlikely in performing arts). Though he uses public trans to and from work and gets reimbursed, S1 has used the car to visit clients two hours away and gets reimbursed (totally unexpected that he would have off-site client interaction). Adding him back on to insurance was not that expensive because in CA you have to have all cars rated for insurance purposes unless they’re non-operational. In other words, I couldn’t have my H, myself, and S2 rated on only the two main cars. As long as the third car was ever going to be used, even once a week, all three cars had to be insured.</p>

<p>Your situation may be very different depending on his summer plans and the condition of your car (my S would have been very happy with any wreck that got him to and fro). Sorry this is long, this was another one of those unexpected issues with sending a student across country for college. No complaints, just adjustments. </p>

<p>Thanks for all your sharing; I’m trying to contribute as time permits.</p>

15

<p>Don’t let those other parents get to you! You have intelligence, perspective, warmth, and an admirable sense of what is right and good. Your kids have probably been raised with your warmth and kindness, and the valuable lesson for all of you, but your kids especially, might be how to emotionally distance yourself, and deal with toxic people. Something I learned far too late in life, because of the kindness I was raised with! Find some humor in the situation, somehow, and compliment your son, and yourself on his wise non involvement. </p>

<p>California is rough without a car. But think of the money saved if he can even go that first year without a car! Being centered on campus that first year with keep him more fully vested in the school, rather than the other enticements of the area. He’ll learn other ways to get around when necessary, and if he has a car other years, will appreciate it more. I’d vote for airbags, anytime. In case of great need, a very rare taxi ride, while expensive, is less than the cost of car purchase, maintainence and insurance. </p>

<p>Thanks for all your wordy and wise postings. Happy to read them anytime!</p>

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<p>The only feature of a car my kid drives that I care about is safety. I would rather my kids have no car than one without airbags, especially in LA.</p>

<p>As for the 3 mothers, it seems like an unusual coincidence that all 3 would insult your children. Are you sure you’re reading them correctly?</p>

17

<ol>
<li><p>Donate the van. It’s bad feng shui to have a decrepid car on your driveway, ;). We donated our 1994 mini-van a month ago, with 160,000 miles on it, to the local Rescue Mission precisely because it didn’t have airbags. It was fine for me to drive it all those years, but thought of living with the horrible guilt if S was injured or killed due to no airbags was enough for me to say “it’s got to go.” Yes, Southern California is tough without a car, but Chapman is within walking distance to cute restaurants and stores, and your S will certainly have friends who can take him places; he can offer to pay gas, etc… For his first year, he definitely does not need one. Our S is going into his 3rd year of college without a car (though he’s in Northern California, which has better public transportation).</p></li>
<li><p>Life is short. Spend time with the people you really want to be with, not those you feel obligated to be with. Send a nice card and a check to the cousins. Everyone understands that parents of college children have no money. </p></li>
<li><p>I agree that these g/fs and b/fs are almost certainly not going to be the ones your kids marry, so don’t borrow trouble. Just respond to these criticisms and catty comments with grace and know that some people have not been taught good manners, for one, and just respond with “Why, I assume you mean that in a positive way!” I mean, what can they say to that?</p></li>
</ol>

18

<p>Every comment above has helped me. Many thanks to all for these helpful perspectives.</p>

<ol>
<li>Van: I’m getting a good consensus here. I’ll donate the van and combine that with S’s own summer earnings as an inspiring way to match his working wages towards a first car, but not to put that into place for freshman year, or certainly not first term freshman year.</li>
</ol>

<p>I like the thought that, at least at the beginning he’d become more resourceful on foot and bicycle, with the focus on campus. He’s good at making friends and it sounds as though many of them have cars for important trips, as you’ve mentioned. All this, plus the rare taxi will get him through freshman year for something extremely important. He might get frustrated over inconveniences but I could also see him becoming a campus hound and counting on new friends this way, at least for a while. I’ll remind him to offer up gasoline money.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Extended family: prioritize for the nuclear family but send a gift/card to distant cousins for weddings, etc. </p></li>
<li><p>Stay polite and unencumbered from families of others’ b/f, g/f , unless the next ones turn out to be peachier. Otherwise, just don’t try hard or at all to change the unchangeable. </p></li>
<li><p>Yes, it’s entirely possible I’m misreading signals and bluer than I had realized! The things that should make one very happy (launching kids, 25th anniversary) also signal the demand for new ways of living, so that’s stress before it becomes joy. Very insightful. I couldn’t get why the above 3 things were so in my way, but I think I’m just focussing on them because they represent aspects of a new style of life. Being aware of that will keep me from making dread mistakes while I give myself time to get used to this new life.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Many many thanks for writing and sharing!</p>

19

<p>I’m chiming in late here, but I just want to let you know that your son will be FINE his first year at Chapman without a car. There are plenty of stores, restaurants, and entertainment venues within walking distance to Chapman College. Plenty of local kids WILL have cars and that is how your son will get to LA, the beach, or wherever else he needs/wants to go. Keep in mind that most frosh at UCLA and USC do not usually have cars their frosh year either, due to a lack of available parking passes. So Cal IS not friendly for those without cars, but lots of his friends at school will have one and he will get rides from them for one year. There will be a good used car for him when the time is right and you can fly/drive out here and buy it. Of course, if he interns somewhere or needs to driveto auditions then it will have to be sooner rather than later. One final note, CA has stringent emissions requirements so you may want to buy a car here in Ca or you might have a big registration bill if it doesn’t pass our tests.</p>

20

<p>P3T: I also enjoy your posts!</p>

<p>I just did a quick Google search of charities which accept car donations and came up with the following:</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.donatecarusa.com/list.php[/url]”>http://www.donatecarusa.com/list.php&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I’ve never used this site, but perhaps it lists a charity that is personally meaningful to you and yours.</p>