Parents, please help me with my parent problem...

<p>I'm a senior in high school. So, I didn't do as well this fall semester and received mostly Bs on my report card. I knew going into the school year that I wasn't going to get fantastic grades; it's my senior year so I wanted to get some AP credits done before I enter college. </p>

<p>I'm taking 5 AP classes and one non-honors academic class, two of them are workload-heavy difficult sciences. I had numerous college essays to write between the months of November to January. On top of that, I had to take on a part-time job to save up for school next year.</p>

<p>I know some people in my situation would be able to get by with fantastic grades; I'm just not one of them. I'm not intelligent in any way, but I am extremely hardworking. There wasn't a night last semester that I didn't stay up after 2 or 3 AM finishing homework or studying for exams. I don't get distracted by Facebook or Youtube like many of my friends, I just take a long time to grasp information and get work done. </p>

<p>I was okay with my grades. I accepted the fact that I had a busy schedule and that there was little way for me to get amazing grades. I also gave as much effort as I could. And at this point, there's nothing I can do but try to work smarter next semester. My parents, however, went ballistic when they saw the report card, even after my explaining to them.</p>

<p>I feel that I will never be good enough for them. I get admonished when I don't achieve, but never congratulated when I do achieve. They don't support most of the choices I make or the career path I've chosen.</p>

<p>Like I said, I'm not naturally smart, but I'm in no way a slacker. How can you loathe your kid for not being genetically superior? I'm in the top 4% of a fairly competitive high school and I've gotten into three colleges so far, two of them gave me early acceptances due to grades & SAT scores. One of them even gave me an amazing scholarship. The only "good job!" or "congrats!" I got were from my friends. My parents didn't even react. </p>

<p>What would be your suggestions on dealing with these types of parents? Should I just accept them this way? Talking to them never works as they don't take anything I say seriously.</p>

<p>My advice is that once you're away at college you will gradually start to be less dependent on your parents evaluations. If your grades were a sudden drop from a previous all A's type of record, then you probably should have been talking to them about this before it was too late to consider dropping the part time job or otherwise reducing your workload to improve your grades. If you made the decision all on your own.. to just take lower grades under the circumstances.. then I can sort of understand their surprise.</p>

<p>Congratulations on your acceptances and scholarships. You might try writing a letter to your parents and sharing some of your feelings and how you would like their support.</p>

<p>
[quote]
The only "good job!" or "congrats!" I got were from my friends.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Good job! Congratulations!</p>

<p>:)</p>

<p>(and kathieh1 above has good thoughts and advice)</p>

<p>Haha, thanks, ADad. :)</p>

<p>And kathieh, thanks for your advice. I will definitely take your suggestions. But I don't think I can drop the job. I'm on my own for college, and I won't be able to get that much financial aid $ :/.</p>

<p>I think the applications were mainly the problem. Those were dreadful.</p>

<p>An important life-lesson is realizing that your parents approval isn't necessary, if you have "done your best" or "done what's best for you". Parents are people too, and their opinions and/or actions aren't always right, not always appropriate, and not always to be obeyed by you as you become an adult. Some parents' expectations and demands upon their children are unrealistic, ill-considered, or even inappropriate. Some parents think everything their adult-child does is a reflection upon THEM, rather than a reflection of the child.</p>

<p>Sounds like your working hard, that your focussed on school, and that your classes were difficult. Remember that there are plenty of parents who would be very pleased that their child received your grades for your courseload. There's a life lesson here; embrace it.</p>

<p>YEAH!!!! AWESOME JOB!!!!</p>

<p>Sometimes what we learn from people around us is "what not to do". Keep this lesson handy when raising your own kids in the far off future.</p>

<p>I am going to assume that your parents are under the false impression that you have to be a 4.0 to get into any college. That seems to be a widely held misconception, I think because of the news stories you hear about these 4.0 mega students not getting into college. Taking 5 AP classes for anyone is a lot of work. You are happy with your grades and your parents need to realize that you are working your hardest. Now, if you were blowing off homework and not studying for tests, that would be a different story. If you are applying to any Ivy+ school and have no back ups, yep your grades this semester might be an issue. I have a feeling that isn't the case.</p>

<p>Have you heard back from any schools yet?</p>

<p>diana3-
Parenting styles vary.
You will not get approval until you get perfect grades.
But that approval and love is fleeting because of the endless cycle of grades.
You will have to get self satisfaction from your efforts and know that you are doing your best.
Parents mess with your psyche hoping it will motivate you more.
It will never be enough for them.</p>

<p>Take solace from your friends' comments and your own self-knowledge of your accomplishments. Try your best to ignore your parents as there's little you can do about it at this stage. </p>

<p>One thing you may want to think about, however, is to see if there are study skills/time management techniques you can pick up now or when you go off to college so you can increase the effectiveness of the time spent studying. This will have great benefits not only for grades, but also in improving the overall quality of your life in high school and later, college.</p>

<p>You have done well, and it isn't enough for your parents. Possibly they are seeing their own imperfections in yours, but it doesn't matter. Your approval and self-knowledge are way more important than theirs. But I do agree with cobrat that you might want to think of study skills classes. Staying up until 2 am isn't healthy or sustainable (assuming you get up at 6 - 7 :) ). In addition to your self-knowledge and self-respect, you need physical health.</p>

<p>Congrats on acceptances and scholarships!</p>

<p>Unless they did better than you when they were your age, I would just tell yourself your parents are jealous, and let it go at that. They probably aren't as smart, and had to work a lot harder!</p>

<p>
[quote]
I'm not intelligent in any way, but I am extremely hardworking.....Like I said, I'm not naturally smart, but I'm in no way a slacker.

[/quote]
diana3, you are intelligent/naturally smart. Please start thinking of yourself that way! It's smart to understand the value of hard work; it's obvious that you're intelligent by how well you write, the fact that you're in the top 4 percent of a competitive high school, and that you've already received three acceptances and a scholarship because of your GPA and SATs.</p>

<p>It's a great idea to learn to study smarter for college. Though you may find you have an advantage next year, when kids who have coasted to As in hs without having to work hard bump up against their academic limitations. If you already know what you need to do to keep your head above water academically, and if you can continue to avoid most distractions, you may find that you do quite well in college. But please make sure to allow time for friends. (Suggestion: start off with one lab science, if possible.)</p>

<p>It sounds as if there's a difficult dynamic in your family. It's not your job to fix that. Congratulations on accomplishments that should make you very proud.</p>

<p>


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<p>Agree on physical health. </p>

<p>However, some high schools do provide work that is academically rigorous and in high enough quantity to require routinely staying up till at least 2 am or later. That was my life in high school....and I was a slacker by their standards. Then again, once I was in college....had no problems getting 8+ hours of sleep/day....if I was so inclined. ;)</p>

<p>Moreover, some people are better able to handle sleeping very little better than others....especially during late adolescence/early adulthood. For instance, I've known undergrads who could get by on less than 2 hours of sleep without missing a beat and conversely....one younger friend who was constantly teased for being "weak" and "a little kid" by his college classmates because he still needed a minimum of 9.5 hours of sleep each night. The "little kid" comment was a bit ironic considering he started college at 19 and was thus, actually a year or more older than most of his classmates.</p>

<p>At a certain point in everyone's life, other priorities have to become more important than parental approval.</p>

<p>Some parents can accommodate their thinking about their kids to adapt to the kids they actually have -- with all that's good and bad about them. Others can't. They have a mental picture of what their kids should be stuck in their minds, and they just don't have the flexibility to deviate from it.</p>

<p>If your parents have this sort of inflexibility, that's their problem, not yours -- unless you make it your problem. </p>

<p>Long ago, I made the decision to marry early, and when I had children, I made the decision to downsize my career and focus mostly on parenting. My parents did not approve. They believed I was wasting my abilities. I disagreed then, and I still do. But I did not let their approval or disapproval dictate the course of my life. </p>

<p>It might have been nice if they approved of the choices I made, but it was not necessary. I did what made sense for me and my husband and children, and I'm satisfied with my choices. My parents never were. They died still being disappointed in me. But that's not my problem.</p>

<p>I'm sorry you feel like you can't live up to your parents' expectations - I know how hard that must be. I know as a parent that sometimes we just forget to say "good job" or "I'm proud of you". I try to make it a habit for my younger S who works hard like you and often doesn't do as well as he should because of a learning disability. With my older S, though, I sort of expect him to do well, and I don't praise him all that much. He gets A's without even trying (drives me crazy!) in AP's and Honors courses, so when he gets an A, it's sort of like, "again?" But let me tell you, he hears about it when he doesn't do well! He knows we're proud of him, but I don't really gush all over when he does well. </p>

<p>I wish my S would work as hard as you do - he doesn't work hard for anything because school has always come so easily. I think the fact that you work so hard is equally as important as the fact that you're doing well. In the end, that work ethic will take you far. </p>

<p>I'm sure that your parents are proud of you, even if they don't say so. FWIW, I don't think my parents are too thrilled with me either, but at some point, you learn that you have to just let it go and stop living for their approval and do what's right for you. I was a good kid, worked hard, got good grades but not as good as you, and it still wasn't enough. I grew up, went to a good college, worked hard after graduation, got married to a great guy, had 2 beautiful children, and I'm still not good enough in their eyes. It's just who they are. I didn't realize that it was them and not me until I was about 30, so you're ahead of the game. Don't beat yourself up because your parents have issues. It sounds to me like you're doing great!</p>