<p>I have been meaning to post this for awhile now. My parents periodically say the same thing over an over again. The problem is they never explain themselves. Throughout elementary, middle school, high school, and now college they tell me “You have always had it easy. All you had to do was go to school and you never had to worry about anything.” Now they are saying, “You are lucky that you don’t have to pay for college. Everyone else has to pay for it themselves.” I always ask them for more of an explanation and they never anything. </p>
<p>Maybe they want to talk about their own journey? Have you talked to them a lot about their childhoods, high school, college life, courtship? </p>
<p>I’ve found that as my relationship with my parents grows older, the best conversations revolve around their lives. Not only does it make them happy to talk about it, it makes me happy to hear about it and I treasure the family history and anecdotes. </p>
<p>On the other hand, are they trying to make you feel bad or guilty?</p>
<p>I think they are trying to just trying to make me feel bad or guilty. I don’t know why, but I guess they have their “hidden” reasons. Every time I bring up their childhood, they always say “We always had it harder than you did.”</p>
<p>Well, if you haven’t done so already you could try expressing gratitude for your advantages. Some parents would take this and put the subject to bed, some wouldn’t. But doing so might get them to open up a little more about their own struggles in their youth. I once read that parents and kids have to establish a level of trust before parents reveal their hardships, weaknesses, etc. That’s one reason why some parents don’t talk about difficult past experiences. If you somehow inform them that you’re mature enough to hear about their frustrations, they may talk. Good luck.</p>
<p>I do express my gratitude. But all I ever hear is how bad they had it when they grew up. It kind of gets old hearing the same thing over and over again.</p>
<p>My opinion is there were always be people above and below you. You just have to make the best with every situation.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the line “We had to walk to school through 2 feet of snow barefoot uphill both ways as a kid”</p>
<p>Of course it is a line making fun of this very common “feature” in parents (and grandparents for that matter). It can’t possibly be up hill both to and from school (except for Escher HS - LOL).</p>
<p>Gratitude is one angle that has been addressed. But some of this type of complaining has to do with the fact that they are proud of what they have provided for you and they feel they are not recognized by a larger (not just you) population for what they have accomplished (your upbringing). </p>
<p>As we get older, we as humans try to find that link to immortality that gives a meaning to the whole of our life. It is a coping strategy for dealing with the inevitability of death. The concept of being part of a lineage of people who’ve been able to provide more for their children (hopefully going in prepituity) than the last generation is a wonderful thing for us to feed that need. We just like to hear that we’ve done it from others. And of course, you qualify as a part of others in that category.</p>
<p>Don’t worry, you have to come to terms with your legacy some day too if you are lucky to live as long as your parents.</p>
<p>Actually, there are some cultures that use repetition as a form of expressing worry. I have an Asian client who sometimes asks me the same question over and over again–even after ten identical explanations. A friend explained that her father (from that same culture) did the same thing. They do that rather than state some deeper worry.</p>
<p>Also, explaining is a very rational exercise. Some cultures are based in emotion, not analysis. Western cultures tend to rely heavily on logic and rationale, but not all cultures do so.</p>
<p>Some parents are a bit jealous of their kids. ALso I think parents are juggling a lot of financial responsibilities at once, but they forget the kids are juggling a lot of emotional and social uncertainty without a pricetag on it, but just as stressful. I don’t think anyone has it easier. Fpr example, parents know who they’re going to bed with at night, and that’d ba a big relief for some college kids who keep having to chase that item. But they have the uncertainty over whether or not they could get laid off from their place of employment. The topics of concern are different, but both generations have burdens and anxieties the others don’t share. Each lifestage is different. That’s why it’d be so nice if you could get them to tell you what’s on their minds without comparing it to you, which makes you feel badly and unfulfilled. Suppose you asked them like this, “Someday I’ll have to handle a job, mortgage and putting my kids through college. What is it like for you?” and just listen and learn.</p>
<p>Good for your parents for keeping you aware that not everyone has the same things you probably have taken for granted at the various stages in your life. Perhaps you could ask them for the specifics that they never seem to explain, or give your own examples to show you understand what they mean. Acknowledging your good fortune to them will help reassure them they have not raised a spoiled child. Many parents who had financial struggles want their children to have all the things they went without, but also want their children to realize that not everyone today has everything they provided. Indicate your appreciation, not just thanks, for what you have. Hard for me to articulate, but I sense you and your parents haven’t found the right way to communicate with each other about this- you may think you have expreessed your gratitude, but that may not be quite what they want. Typically most teens are self-centered, they may want you to consider their lives- show an interest in how it came to be that you have everything. I’ll add that one does not need to be an immigrant to remind their children how well off they are in comparison to a parent.</p>
<p>I have expressed that I greatly appreciate everything, but I don’t think that warrants them saying that I have nothing to worry about and that I have less sruggles than them.</p>
<p>Maybe they just forgot what it feels like, when they were your age. Just as you probably can’t readily recapture what it felt like to be starting grade school. Less than 15 years ago, but I bet it’s hard to remember. Grade school kids are not carefree, but the way people speak of them (“so cute”) you’d think they’ve forgotten it all.</p>
<p>If they had money concerens growing up, that’s probably all they remember–and they blame any other problems on the lack of money. They actually may not know that having enough money doesn’t solve all problems–at least for a kid. I doubt they’d believe you if you told them, though. They probably think your life is totally carefree because you haven’t had to worry about money. Lots of parents share this misconception.</p>
<p>Insom… Let’s assume they’re not feeling heard/understood and you’re not feeling heard/understood (as a matter of fact, sounds like you’re feeling downright criticized). It must get very annoying, and feel very unfair. That being said, it may help if you have a strategy to get you through these lectures. I recommend that (in a non-sarcastic way) you find a way to agree with them. Example: A. “You have it so much better…” Response: B. “You’ve really paved the way for me by helping all that you could.” A. “you’re so lucky you have nothing to worry about.” B. I am very fortunate. I hope I’ll be able to give my chidren those same advantages someday." A. “We’ve worked so hard …” B. “You’ve given up a lot for me, and I realize that.” etc.
If you can do this EACH TIME, and be truly genuine–focusing on them and their feelings–I can virtually guarantee that they’ll soon have little additional to say about the matter. What’s more, you’ll stop feeling like you have to defend yourself.</p>
<p>My kids are in the same position as you–better off than their parents were. I know we’ve reminded them of this over and over–we just want them to appreciate what they have, and to understand, not look down on those who don’t have as much. It’s normal–don’t let it get to you.</p>
<p>Ask your parents about what it was like when they were growing up. My parents, who were born during the depression to poor immigrant families, certainly have some interesting stories. I remember my dad repeating over and over, “Kid, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!” (When he was in college, Dad shared an apartment with a man who’d been in a Siberian prison camp. Dad had to tell us that guy’s stories, too. If we ever complained about anything, Dad’s answer was “I’m gonna ship you off to Siberia!”–I must have heard it 1000 times).<br>
We did have it better growing up in the 70’s, but we had our own problems.
All young people have academic, social, and psychological pressures no matter how comfortable they are. Maybe you could share some of your worries or concerns with your parents–and just put up with their repeated comments–they’re not going to change–parental rights, you know. You’ll probably be saying the same things to your kids in another 15-20 years.</p>
<p>Your parents my be concerned that because you have faced fewer hardships than they did, you may be poorly prepared to cope with future difficulties in your life. </p>
<p>I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this; I just wanted to make you aware of the feeling. </p>
<p>I grew up in a family that encountered divorce, remarriage, a second divorce, a second remarriage, alcoholism, and significant financial difficulties during my growing-up years. My husband grew up in a family that also had major financial issues, and both of his parents had severe, long-lasting, life-threatening illnesses during his growing-up years. My kids have not had to cope with any of these situations. I wonder, sometimes, whether they may be a little “soft.”</p>
<p>I think the answer to your question is “yes, it is normal for parents to do this, to some extent”. </p>
<p>About wanting an explanation, I don’t know about your relationship with your parents, but “explaining” is a two-way street. Are <em>you</em> doing a good job expressing to your parents that their constant repetition of the same line is not helping and that you want to have a longer, deeper and more specific conversation about this issue. </p>
<p>What can you tell them? You can remind them that it is not your fault that they had it so bad and that you have it so good. You can reassure them that you value what they have done for you and that you will “repay” them in kind later. Perhaps that is the source of their anxiety- they may be afraid that they have done so much for you but now that you are gone or going to be gone soon, that you will not care about them. You can tell them that when they are older and they need your help, you will be there for them and that the tables will be turned- you will then have a <em>lot</em> of worries about them, about your kids, your job, etc and they will not have so many worries.</p>
<p>Also, thank you for starting this thread. Just by asking that question on the parents’ forum you may be preventing some of the parents here from using that kind of line on their kids.</p>
<p>As you can see from the posts, some people have experienced this in their lives and have different explanations and/or justifications for this conduct. So, I guess the answer is it is not abnormal, although it is clear that not every parent feels the need to lay this kind of stuff on their child.</p>
<p>Several posters suggest ways to try to get your parents to either open up on what is behind the comments or to stop making them. </p>
<p>I want to suggest that you consider whether your parents are “the changing kind.” You say this has been going on since grade school and is still going on in college. Sounds like pretty ingrained behavior to me. </p>
<p>One of life’s great lesson comes when you realize the people who you got for parents come with all their warts and baggage. You have to find your way in life. Sometimes that means you have to accept what you can’t change and deal with it. Some times dealing with it will mean addressing it up front and sometimes dealing with it means avoiding the circumstances when it can happen.</p>
<p>You may want to try some of the suggested ways to address it up front. But, if you really don’t think your parents will change and their comments bring you down, remember after college you will have options on when and if, and how long you are around your parents. What you will no longer have to do is just “take it.”</p>
<p>If you read other threads on CC you will find that a lot of adults simply have little or nothing to do with their parents who are emotionally and/or spiritually crippling and/or abusive.</p>
<p>Just remember (1) their baggage is not your fault nor your duty to fix and (2) you do not have to repeat this pattern when you are a parent.</p>
<p>Would this approach work, in anyone’s opinion? Ask your parents questions about their early days for the purpose of creating an oral history for future generations.</p>
<p>I did this with my folks and my husband’s folks. Some have been more forthcoming than others. It was like pulling teeth from a bull to get details from my MIL, but I more or less badgered her on behalf of my kid. I learned how very poor she was as a girl. Simply stated, she was jealous of what my husband and I had achieved and had made snide remarks on occasion. One example: making a show of telling my husband’s younger brother ‘enjoy this expensive ice cream; we can’t afford to buy this’ (to which I gently countered that they had on several occasions taken all of us to the soft serve place, which cost more than the 1/2 gallon tub I’d bought).</p>
<p>Something is eating at your folks. It may be that you’ve achieved more academically and they can’t compare, and blame their early circumstances. This may never change, but at least you may be able eventually to learn the reasons for their comments, and learn a way to respond to them while maintaining your own self-esteem.</p>
<p>I have to agree with 07DAD. I guess I will just have to put up with it. I have done all the other things the other posters said to do many times before, but it never worked. </p>