Parents Under Investigation for Neglect After Allowing Kids to Walk to Playground

Parent Cafe
81

I’m more of a “free-range” type of a parent while my wife is a bit more protective. I would say they could go alone somewhere and then surreptitiously follow them to see how they handled it. As they proved themselves I gave them more and more freedom.

I was constantly testing them in grocery stores etc by purposely getting out of their sight when they weren’t looking and then seeing how they reacted.

My wife, on the other hand, walked them to the bus stop years after I stopped doing it.

Even when they were in Elementary school I let them walk 5 miles to school each day and it was always uphill both ways and snowing. :wink:

82

Apropos of the point that it depends on the child, I’ve got one in my family who’s naturally anxious and needs a lot of encouragement to try anything unfamiliar (like a slide designed for toddlers). If you told this child, “Don’t cross that street, it’s dangerous,” she’d avoid it like Dracula lived there.

83

“I was raised in the “free range” 1960s, played outside with friends by five, and travelled all over a major city by bus and train by the time I was in middle school. There were actually a number of very close calls. I consider myself street smart in one respect and just plain lucky in others. I don’t romanticize a free range parenting style as making me a better, more problem solving, or independent person than my kids have turned out to be as a result of increasing freedom and responsibilities.”

I agree. I find it interesting that many people here seem very supportive of the “free range” parenting style because that is how many of us were raised, yet I doubt very many of those same people are raising their children the same way. I think the difference is that we have more time, more money, and more opportunity to care after our children than our parents did. I don’t really want to say that we care about our children more than our parents did, but I think for many of us, we were more of an afterthought, and not the focus of the family, the way many kids are now. Parents were too busy working, and taking care of their own problems to involve themselves as closely as we do now. I don’t think neglecting your kids and giving them too much freedom for their age is going to make them more responsible. The philosophy that, “Gee, they are safer wandering around by themselves than in a car”, well, I guess it depends upon where you live. Let the “free range” kids wander around in a bad neighborhood as some people with less income and family support do, and just think about the dangers involved.

I think about the close calls I had, and I think my parents were crazy to give me so much freedom. I know there are things my kids did, like wandering around in our neighborhood forest, that were pretty dicey—but we didn’t know about that until after the fact. A six year old is awfully dependent, can have poor judgment, and might not even be able to read well. A ten year old can get angry, annoyed, playful, distracted. If it’s not even legal to leave kids at home alone at that age in many states, how can it be legal to let them walk a mile on their own?

84

I have a client who’s a bit frustrated at how his younger D is in his words “an extreme homebody” who is unwilling to get out of the house to even walk a few blocks to visit friends without much parental and friend prodding and she’s about to graduate HS at 17.

It’s in great contrast with the elder sister who was much more independent that she started taking subways by herself without parental permission starting at 10.

Did I mention the NYC neighborhood they’re located is much more upscale and safer than my old NYC neighborhood…especially back in the '80s?

85

“I have a client who’s a bit frustrated at how his younger D is in his words “an extreme homebody” who is unwilling to get out of the house to even walk a few blocks to visit friends without much parental and friend prodding and she’s about to graduate HS at 17.”

If he actually thinks the problem is that she’s an “extreme homebody” and hasn’t thought about the possibility that she might have Asperger’s syndrome, be extremely introverted, or have some other social issue…he’s fooling himself. Being an “extreme homebody” must sound more comforting to him than the other possibilities.

86

Actually, my mom was a stay-at-home-mom, as were most of the mom’s of my generation. But in those days parents weren’t really into engaging with their kids – most of the time kids were simply sent outdoors to play, and not much attention was paid to where the kids were as long as we were home in time for dinner and were indoors by dark in summer months when we were sent out to play again after dinner.

On the other hand, I had a career and worked full time outside the home when my kids were small. That did mean more direct supervision, less “free range” for my kids – because of course I had them enrolled in after-school daycare.

I think the culture of parenting has changed, but I don’t think it has anything to do with how busy the parents were. I just think that overall expectations were different.

87

Note that the perceived need to supervise the kids to older ages than in past decades creates more work and more limitations for the parents. If the kid can get to school, sports practice, library, friend’s house, etc. by himself/herself, s/he does not require the parent to take him/her there. But a parent who feels that s/he must still supervise the kid at that age creates extra work for himself/herself, as well as limiting what both the parent and the kid can do due to scheduling constraints.

88

" If the kid can get to school, sports practice, library, friend’s house, etc. by himself/herself, s/he does not require the parent to take him/her there. But a parent who feels that s/he must still supervise the kid at that age creates extra work for himself/herself, as well as limiting what both the parent and the kid can do due to scheduling constraints."

This is so insightful, and it also goes to our built environment. In the 60s and 70s, more suburban environments were close-in, older towns on the village model, and you could actually get places on your feet or bike. In later, more exurban developments, it may actually be impossible to walk or bike anywhere; you have to cross a freeway to get out of the subdivision. So the parents are right that they have to bring their kids all those places until they can drive.

I’m especially thinking about this tonight as I’m at a hotel in Oklahoma, and I tried and failed to go for a walk on this gorgeous sunny day. All I could do was the perimeter of the property; I’d have to play Frogger with a bunch of semis in order to escape it in any direction.

89

“it also goes to our built environment. In the 60s and 70s, more suburban environments were close-in, older towns on the village model, and you could actually get places on your feet or bike. In later, more exurban developments, it may actually be impossible to walk or bike anywhere; you have to cross a freeway to get out of the subdivision. So the parents are right that they have to bring their kids all those places until they can drive.”

I honestly don’t even remember my parents driving me to sports/extracurricular/school events. If I couldn’t run, bike, or take the bus (before I could drive), it wasn’t an option. I’m not sure it would have even occurred to me to ask them for a ride. And most everything I could get to, on my own, even if it took a couple of hours and two connections on a bus. It was easy to be independent then. But for my kids, it took us 2 1/2 hours of driving to get them to school and back. The day our oldest started driving, was FREEDOM for us.

My kids have had a totally different experience than me and my husband did growing up. My husband’s parents were pretty uninvolved (last of six kids), and mine had so many other problems to deal with. But both families were loving, two parent families, available if we needed them. Our kids have been micromanaged since birth, and have had the best education possible. They are now extremely capable, smarter than we ever were, and can take care of just about anything. Okay, so they wash the darks with the whites, and aren’t too handy with an iron. But I don’t think that they’d be any better off if we’d let them wander miles away when they were little kids.

90

I’m not so sure, busdriver. I live a few blocks from our state’s flagship, and I see a fair amount of very unsafe or unwise behavior. I don’t know how much of it is due to students finally free from the rampant helicopter parenting, but I have my suspicions.

Hanna’s point that kids are very different rings true to me. As a former Girl Scout leader it was rather clear that some kids observe rules, some kids seem oblivious to rules, and a few are destined to be lawyers. Knowing where your kids fall on that spectrum has a big influence on what to let them take on, when.

I could have fallen in the canal and drowned as a kid when I was out on the rowboat. I didn’t. I’m glad I was able to have those experiences of exploring and mastering my environment, and I feel sorry for the my daughter’s friends who at age 12 still weren’t allowed to ride bikes out of sight of their homes.

91

I agree that kids can be very different, arabrab. However, my issue is with allowing too much freedom with a six year old, not a 12 year old. That is very, very different. Though there are some very bright six year olds, they are so helpless, and very dependent upon whomever is with them. It seems like a complete lack of common sense to let a six year old roam, even under “supervision” of a ten year old. Would you have been responsible and aware enough to adequately supervise a kindergartener in any situation, when you were ten?

And to add, when your kids were that age (if they had similar age differences), did you let the older child roam up to a mile away, when the younger one was that young?

92

When I was six years old, it was apparently normal for elementary school kids to walk to the school bus stop or to the school on their own. It does not appear to be so now, for whatever reason – probably greater fear, even though both crime and pedestrians dying from being hit by cars are down since then.

93

Both of my kids flew alone before they were teens (S at age 12 and D at age 8). Taken to/picked up at the gate by parent on one end and grandparents on the other. Most of my friends are horrified.
My kids are now 18 and 23. Both can (and have) gotten around major cities by themselves. They have flown alone many times including to/from and within Europe. When we planned a family trip to Europe last summer we put the kids in charge of planning day trips and they booked us on trains where we appeared to be the only tourists. It was a great way to experience other countries.

94

There’s a 71/2 year gap between my kids. When the oldest was 13, my kids started flying alone, halfway across the country, to visit their grandparents each summer. No big deal really with the “unaccompanied minor” supervision the airlines provide. Except the first time my D made the trip alone at age 10 (her brother was working that summer), she had a connection in Atlanta and somehow walked off the plane unattended. Not wanting to miss her quick connection, she proceeded to change terminals and head to the next flight. When she got to her departure gate she called me because she realized the airline was holding her ticket and she didn’t know how she was going to board. I was shocked and asked her how she managed to get there by herself - she said “it was easy Mom - I just found my flight on the flight board then followed the signs to the gate.”

I also let her come home by herself from school at age 10. The bus stop was near our house and my office not too far away. She let herself in, locked the door behind her, called me to let me know she was home, then fixed a snack and did homework until I got home from work. I guess I would’ve been jailed if I lived in Maryland.

95

I have mixed feelings about this. My first, gut, reaction was that the cops and children’s services over-reacted and there was nothing wrong with what these parents did. But when I read more – I’m not sure.

I have walked along that stretch of Georgia Ave. Yes it’s urban in the center of Silver Spring, but the urban part isn’t that big or intense. A lot of Georgia Ave. – at least, I assume the part they walk along to get home – is suburban, although Georgia Ave. is a very busy street. I do think 10 and 6 are on the young side to do that walk – a few blocks, yes, but maybe not a full mile. If the parents feel really secure about it, I don’t want to second guess their decision – but I’m not sure I would have let kids that age walk that far on that street.

I still think Maryland officials over-reacted. If these parents had been reported numerous times, if there was a case history of neglect – then there’s cause for action. But to threaten to take the kids away and make the dad sign a contract because the kids were caught one time walking along a busy street – that’s overkill. This to me is a parenting decision and not a criminal violation. I certainly have disagreed with how my friends parent their kids, but I usually keep my mouth shut because I think it’s wrong to criticize someone for their parenting style. I may not agree with all the decisions these parents make, but what they did was not actionable.

I grew up in NYC in the 1960s and 70s, and my mother was uber paranoid. She was convinced that I was going to be raped, murdered, or attacked every time I left the house. She was a nervous wreck until I came home. I still wandered around the neighborhood – I clearly remember that she set rules, so that when I was 6 I could go anywhere on the block as long as I didn’t cross the street, and then as I got older she extended the boundaries of where I could go. At age 10 I know I was walking about a mile to the closest library – but I’m not sure she would have let me take my 5-year-old brother with me.

96

The 10 year old is not the issue. A 6 year old with a 10 year old watching her alone without an adult on public streets and in a playground is not safe.

My state says that you cannot leave a child under 13 alone without an adult in your house. There was a 12 year old left home for two weeks by her mother, and the mother was arrested, even though the child was attending school and eating cereal and so on at home.

For all of you who say “well, I did that when I was a kid and worse” yes we did. And in my area, there were countless horror stories of kids going missing.

The fact is, parents need to know the laws. There is only ONE reason to let a 6 year old go to the park with her 10 year old brother only, and that is exactly why we did it when we were younger. Our parents did not understand the risks. Or perhaps we were latchkey kids. The parents here were too busy to take their kids to the park. And that is illegal in their town.

Walking to school is when Etan Patz was picked up and presumedly killed. Adam Walsh was picked up and killed after his mom left him in the video game section of a department store while she shopped in the same store for clothing. So yeah, I consider it possible neglect, and poor parenting.

Then again, I am pretty strict with my kids and even my 18 year old is kept tabs on. We know where he is going and how long he will be there, and we text him back and forth in case his plans change.

These are LIVES we are talking about, and I don’t think it is onerous to expect mom or dad to accompany their kid to a playground. Unless of course mom or dad was very busy…

But hey, mom says:
“…“We are good parents, educated professionals, and our children are happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and academically successful…” because heck, if they were not educated and professional and their kids were not happy and healthy and well-adjusted and academically successful, THEN it would be okay to investigate them for letting their 10 year old watch their 6 year old.

Our local papers have a lot of sympathy for the lady who let her 12 year old meet up with people she met on Facebook, let alone wear heavy makeup and show cleavage at that age, and guess what happened to the 12 year old? And sympathy for the guy whose kid who killed himself was “clearly bullied at school” yet dad let his 10 year old keep a loaded gun in his room?

Does the state have a responsibility to set boundaries on how much independence a child, someone whose rights rest solely with the parent(s) or guardian, can have?

97

Speaking of independence: Have you guys been reading about the young couple from Kentucky on a crime spree and finally caught in Florida? How does a 13 yr old girl have an 18 yr old boyfriend?

98

Yes, the state has a responsibility to pass child protection laws. The issue is where do we draw the line - what constitutes abuse or neglect? Like so many things (kids suspended under zero tolerance rules because their mom packed a plastic knife in their lunch) reasonableness under the circumstances seems to go out the window. Do we remove obese kids whose parents endanger their health by letting them sit in front of a tv eating junk food all day? It’s a slippery slope. When a large number of people disagree on whether an act is neglectful, that tells me it’s a gray area and the state shouldn’t be so quick to act. Also, having worked with the foster care system and child protective services, I can tell you that the foster homes these children are placed in are often no better (and sometimes worse). I represented (after the incident) a 12 year old girl whose foster dad repeatedly raped (and impregnated) her while he forced her 2 little brothers to stand watch. That case still haunts me years later.

99

Actually, no, what you did is perfectly legal in Maryland.

In Maryland, you cannot leave a child under 8 at home or in an indoor public place unattended. You also cannot put a child under 13 in charge of a child under 8. Your daughter was 10. It would have been OK for her to be home alone. It just would not have been OK for her to supervise a younger child.

I live in Maryland. When my daughter was 10, I often left her home alone if I had an errand to do or if I needed to take her brother somewhere. (She preferred it that way.) And I allowed her to have a trustworthy classmate of the same age visit even if I wasn’t there. (They would walk the three blocks between their houses, which were on quiet residential streets with little traffic.) I also allowed my daughter to visit that classmate’s home even if the classmate’s parents weren’t home. The two girls also went to the mall or the movies together at that age, with a parent dropping them off and picking them up. This is also legal in Maryland.

But if there had been a 6-year-old with them, none of it would have been legal.

100

^Thanks for the clarification.