Parents visiting college?

<p>I really do love and appreciate my parents and enjoy seeing them, but I can't help but feel like they're stifling my independence a bit. They visited two weekends ago to drop a big, unshippable idea off and now my mom has informed my that she'll be visiting the weekend after next. I said she didn't have to come, but she insisted... She says she wants to see me before her trip to mexico, which is why they won't be coming to parents' weekend (schedule conflicts). My school is about an 8 hr drive from home. Like I said, I really do like having them visit, but Ialso do enjoy having my independence for the first time. Once a month just seems a bit much. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe this visit is only becsause of missing parents' weekend/international travel. Another thing: I think my mom is especially worried because I am living independently with a physical disability (no personal care attendants), which is something she was against.</p>

<p>I think you have figured out the why in this situation. As a parent, I might be doing the same if I was close enough. Most parents worry at the beginning and just want to know that everything is o.k. Humor them. You will have your full independence in just a short while.</p>

<p>Hang in there. I suspect it will get better as time passes. I know I have told my kids I may visit campus from time to time but I will just take them out to dinner unless we go to a game or something.</p>

<p>Letting go can be hard for some.</p>

<p>Be honest with your parents. There is nothing like direct communication. Tell them what you said here, you sound very mature and they in turn will be honest back. It is a whole lot easier then trying to figure out where they are coming from. My son has told us that he was busy a certain weekend freshman year and we survived and are still very close. We recieved phone calls every 4 days from him freshman year and it helped us a lot to feel connected. Let us know how it goes.</p>

<p>"A big unshippable idea"</p>

<p>I love that image.</p>

<p>I think your mom loves you and wants/needs to make sure you're okay. You might ease things along if you check in often and tell her how you're managing--specifically, not generally.</p>

<p>And congratulations on your independence!</p>

<p>wolfpiper....your parents will take cues from you if delivered with some sensitivity and negotiations, but getting through one calendar year will help them "mature" also. It would be OK to gently suggest the kind of contact routines that would feel positive to you. </p>

<p>Pretty soon they will realize that they get to have a long time with you winter break, and that you will be coming home periodically, and that you will keep them informed in a reasonable way and let them know a general outline of the ups and downs of college life. One trick to help set boundaries with parents IMHO is to make a plan to sort of have the habit of placing the phone calls home yourself. Tell them you will call them at least weekly, make some kind of forecast which day works, and then call them. It is quite possible that right now they are coming based on their needs more than yours, which does make you feel awkward. Maybe you fear this monthly trip to your college will set a precedent? </p>

<p>I wouldn't worry too much about that..Parents Weekend attendance is a pretty big deal to fiftyish year olds the first year their son or daughter goes to college. So it is too bad they have a conflict because it is also a good chance for them to see the rest of your classmates with parents milling about for a day..the more real your new world becomes for them, the more they will trust that world. Parents weekend serves many purposes but one is definitely therapeutic for parents who have not yet made the psychological transition yet. </p>

<p>BTW..sounds like you are off to a strong start! So nice to hear from you on the boards again.</p>

<p>From a Mom's perspective: things that my S demonstrated that helped me "release" and let go include when I heard examples of problems resolved without my input, when I heard that he has friends who talked little things over with him whose opinions he valued, when I realize he went to profs etc and negotiated on his own quite nicely, when he makes a point to share the positives as well as the rough spots with his parents in a weekly call.</p>

<p>My sister, who is hearing-impaired, felt pretty stifled when my mother kept calling her freshmen year and checking up on her. It got worse when she completely lost her hearing for a period of 2 months and my mother was going out of her mind worrying, but after my sister got through that time and survived, my mom realized that she CAN take care of herself and has eased on the 'overbearing parent' mode. What disability is it, if you don't mind my asking. Maybe your mom needs to see that you can handle a tough situation on your own, like my sis did.</p>

<p>It is true that sometimes we are a bit more anxious about loved ones who have special medically related needs when these loved ones are far away from us for the 1st extended time. We finally explained our S that the reason we REALLY wanted to have him contact us (in addition to curiousity) is because we are concerned about his continued good health (he has had some prolonged absences through HS) and like to just hear his voice at least once/week. Once we explained this, things have gone much better for all of us.</p>

<p>There's another possibility: some people get really anxious or superstitious before they travel, especially internationally. My parents used to make a big point of telling me what was in their will before they traveled abroad ("if anything happens to us....") -- so it could be that your mom really does feel it important to see you before she travels. People who are kind of afraid of flying but fly anyway spend a lot of mental energy trying to reassure themselves that their plane isn't going to crash -so the fact that a plane went down in Brazil this week might be what is prompting this visit.</p>

<p>As the others have said, relax - it will get better in time.</p>

<p>When my D went away last year, I missed her so much! I would call her every day just to say hi. (Of course, she had no problem telling me to - STOP CALLING SO MUCH!!! LOL) She played a fall sport and I would get to as many games as possible and see her. Then in the spring she started coming home a lot on weekends - I had to tell her to STOP COMING HOME SO MUCH!!!! LOL </p>

<p>Anyway, this year we've settled in much better. In fact, last night she called me "just to talk." I asked her if there was a problem, but she said no, that I hadn't called her in a while and she was just checking in. </p>

<p>Now, next year might be a lot different because my "baby" will be going away. It will be very strange to have no kids home...</p>

<p>Well, surprisingly the visit was pretty fun (except for the part where she apparently broke my favorite shoes and the part where the first thing she did was to criticize my origanizational system--it doesn't look like one, but I manage to find my stuff most of the time). We went out to eat at some good resturants which I can't get to (no car) and saw Grudge 2 (a movie with Amber Tamblyn, one of my favorite Joan of Arcadia alumni, so it was must see). It was nice just to talk with her, to get caught up on what was going on at home and to catch her up on my life here--I think its a bit odd for her to realize that I have, for the first time really, a life in which she doesn't see the daily rountines. I also think your comments about overseas travel were spot-on, as she kept saying "But before I go to Mexico, I want [to see you, make sure you have new shoes, etc.) Overall, it really was pleasent surprise! (Note to parents, though: please do NOT start off by criticizing, even with good intention. It does hurt, even you don't mean it to.)</p>

<p>well, you handled the parent visit with good grace. I am sure your parents needed to see you more than you needed to see them but glad it was enjoyable!</p>