Parents want one major, I want another....

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Owlice, yes, I understood that part of the argument that DadII assumed that a musician will make $100K per year and totally agree with you that the odds are very chancy for that to happen. </p>

<p>I meant more that there were some posts discussing that it would be hard to make it as a musician but that would not be a reason not to do it. But given how hard it IS to make it, that it will only work if her heart is in it 110%!</p>

<p>PS, I personally would not pick ANY career based on how much I could make. I’d pick it by interest area first and foremost.</p>

22

<p>One thing, however, that someone else mentioned…the OP could try this major for a semester and see what she thinks. If it is not for her, it is not too late to change to economics or something else for that matter. But the driving force should be based on her own experience and own interests, not that of her parents. So, she can try it and see what she thinks and then decide. That is what college is about…exploring. She will be able to figure it out once she is IN school. Right now, she can keep an open mind and try courses and see what she thinks. She should not stick with something because someone else said to do it. The decision should be in her own gut but after she tries things out in college as a freshman.</p>

23

<p>Adding a PS to my previous post. There are many majors you can switch back and forth among. No, I wanna be an economist, no I wanna teach Spanish, no I wanna weave baskets… Adds a little time to your undergrad years, but if you can afford it, go for it.</p>

<p>However, violin is not one of those majors. If you drop violin for awhile, it is not just going to be that easy to pick it up again next semester where you left off. Violinists practice, as the OP mentioned, for hours every day. Skip that for 6 months, and it will take awhile to get back to it.</p>

<p>One of the reasons my H doesn’t pick up a violin much any more is that it is a hard instrument to play “once in awhile.” His ear is too good, and he is too much of a perfectionist, to be able to listen to himself rusty. My D struggles when she is away from it for a week.</p>

<p>If the OP decides to not major in violin, but still thinks she wants to play it for fun, then I hope she will find a way to keep in on her schedule. Taking lessons as a non-major for credit is one way. It is hard to do it for “no reason.” When the homework stacks up, and the social life calls, it’s hard to say, “No, I have to practice” if there is no purpose in the practicing. Of course, if you decide you have had a lifetime’s worth of violin already, and don’t care if you ever see it again, that’s a different matter entirely. (My S’s friend just decided that last year with her oboe - after majoring in it at a conservatory, she sold it and became a foreign-language teacher. Just got tired of making reeds.)</p>

<p>It is hard to do anything without purpose. But it has to be your own purpose, not your parents. So I hope you find it.</p>

<p>Another thought - Two years of music at a lot of colleges will give you a BA or a minor. Is that an option? (At my D’s school, it is the exact same path as the BMus, just ends sooner. So you don’t have to decide in advance one way or the other.) That would buy you time to think about it, and make plans for the other two years. Would also allow you to plan your exit strategy with your parents.</p>

24

<p>Agree with binx. Start out in violin and try it and if it is not for you, you can then minor in it or whatever. But you can start a different major at that point. It would be harder to go back to violin. It is worth an exploration of that for a semester or two before making a decision. Also, once you have tried it, it allows you to plan a way to tell your parents about any change you may decide to make at that point. But it really has to be YOUR decision. I don’t think you need to make this decision quite yet. Also, at least you can say you tried it on the college level and came to realize you were not into it.</p>

25

<p>

</p>

<p>The whole point is that parents don’t want to see their kid unhappy. So, if they pick what THEY think is best for her to study, but she truly dislikes it and doesn’t want to make it her life’s work, she WILL be unhappy.</p>

26

<p>i think the best idea would be to major in econ or whatev and minor in violin</p>

27

<p>musicalfeet- I really do sympathise with you. This is such a difficult decision, even if your parents weren’t adamant. I was in a similar position with a vocal performance major many years ago. When I finally decided to switch majors, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I thought I was disappointing so many people and giving up a dream I had thought I wanted. It was an excruciating decision, but one I had to make because I knew that I didn’t have the dedication and drive for music required to succeed or be happy in the field.</p>

<p>You have the additional pressure of parents who are unwilling to let you make your own decision in the matter. You’ll be getting so much resistance from them that it may seem impossible to fight it, and at your age, I understand how difficult that is.</p>

<p>If I were you, I’d give it one year. I’d have a heart to heart with your parents now and tell them how you feel, let them know you doubt very much that this is the right path for you but you’re willing to try for a year both to please them and to make sure that you’re not just in a slump. I’d also be very honest with your violin prof. You can bet he has seen students like you before, and probably has some excellent advice. </p>

<p>Go into the year doing your best with violin. See how it feels. I think you’ll have a clearer idea of what you want after that, and you’ll be in a better position to negotiate with your parents about continuing with school support if you change majors. They have this dream for you, and it may take them a while to adjust to the idea. I think if you approach it honestly from the beginning, let your parents know that you WILL change if it’s not for you, but that you’ll give it a chance, they’ll will come around.<br>
If they don’t, then you have some other decisions to make. But take it one step at a time.</p>

28

<p>“I don’t agree with some that the decision should have anything to do with how hard it is to make it as a musician.”</p>

<p>I agree. I would react the same way whether it was “help - my parents want me to study violin but I really would rather study business/econ” or “help - my parents want me to study business/econ but I really would rather study violin.”</p>

29

<p>The performance major at UCLA is a BA (not a BMus) – so there will be lots of room in the schedule for non-music classes.<br>
It is also in the College of Arts and Architecture, which handles admissions separately – so actually double majoring may require applying to the College of Letters and Sciences.</p>

30

<p>

Huh? I know several people in the exact opposite position. People who wish they got a degree in something marketable over something they loved. Food/rent/insurance…these things are important.</p>

31

<p>I agree Mr. Payne. Sometimes practical considerations do need to be taken into consideration, especially if you’re spending (or borrowing!) $200K.</p>

32

<p>^^^^To each his own. </p>

<p>I do not care at all what my kids major in. They are still earning a college degree and a degree is handy to have to be employable. Lots of people work at good jobs that are not directly related to their major. </p>

<p>That aside, I happen to have a child in the performing arts and FULLY support that choice. I do not think one should pick a field based on “practicality.” I am confident that my D will earn money in some facet of her field. She is 19 and is already paid well for work she does in her field, though is still a student. I know she will find work.</p>

33

<p>I’m happy you are able to provide a safety net for your kids if they can not provide for themselves. It was not that way in my family, practical considerations were the only considerations.</p>

34

<p>Mr Payne and audiophile, are you even reading the thread? This isn’t about someone who has a calling to be a violinist whose parents are forcing her to study business or econ (or engineering, or be a doctor, lawyer, etc.).</p>

<p>A starving artist who <em>loves</em> art is in a whole different place than a starving artist who <em>doesn’t</em> love art but who is there to please her parents.</p>

35

<p>OP:</p>

<p>If there is a way that you can become financially independent from your parents without having to take on crippling debt, do it. Your parents are weaponizing their parenting and their love. They are blackmailing you, and you are better off if you can avoid needing their support. I have seen this scenario play out among people that I know far too many times, often involving tremendous misery for the students involved.</p>

<p>Look into your school’s policies for being regarded by the school as financially independent for purposes of determining financial aid - if you can make the case to them that you should be considered such, then go for it. If your school has a counseling/student support office, go talk to them about your options - they’ve probably seen this before. Look into scholarships. But start doing it <em>now</em>, before they have the chance to yank the rug out from under you. Even if you stick with your current major, parents who will use money to control their kids this way in one area will frequently do the same in other areas.</p>

36

<p>Mr. Payne, I don’t wish to divert from the topic of the thread, but will reply to your post #33…
I don’t know where you got that I can “provide a safety net” for my kids if they can’t provide for themselves! I won’t be doing ANYTHING of the sort. Upon graduation, they must support themselves (as they also do in summers during college too). Still, I don’t believe in picking a college major based on “practical considerations.” I believe in studying what interests you and I am VERY confident that my kids will be employed. So far, they have done very well being employed and making good wages for kids before they have yet finished their education. If I look at what my perfoming artist D earns per hour, I venture to say she is doing better than me when I break what I do down by the hour (I do not get paid by the hour though) and I have a graduate degree from Harvard. She is just 19.</p>

37

<p>Oh dear. I didn’t want it to seem as though my parents were monsters. I love them and I know they love me. They have convincing arguments and I totally see their point of view. It’s just the details that I disagree with. Yes, I will try for a year, and take some side-classes and all, but the main problem is that I would worry much more about my non-music major. That doesn’t sit well with them.</p>

<p>And about the “making a living” etc, my dad constantly says for me not to worry about that. He says that he could support me for the rest of my life if I needed it. However, I don’t want that, and I although I know I wouldn’t be a “starving artist” (teaching makes a lot in CA =X), I’m not sure if I can or want to rise to a standard that everyone expects me to at this moment. </p>

<p>What my dad uses against my decision to major in business-econ is that I will be unemployed or miserable. He is a VP of a fairly big tech company, and so he always says stuff like, " I have tons of people working for me with a degree from UCLA, Berkeley, harvard, princeton, etc and they don’t even make that much money! they are still struggling. they aren’t happy with their life. you have no idea what goes on with them. and they are top-notch too."</p>

<p>I know it seems as though I am totally anti-music. It’s not that I don’t love it, I just don’t have the love for it that I see plenty of really talented musicians around me have. My ipod has no classical music in it. Theirs has a whole playlist. I like jamming with my friends, fooling around in groups or just messing around with parts of certain pieces. </p>

<p>I agree with my parents that it’s too early to tell. I don’t know whether or not I really do love violin and want to continue it (it seems as though all my friends have made their decisions) or I really want to study economics. However, my uncertainty takes a toll on my violin playing, as it has become a total drab and I can hardly go past an hour and a half. Because of my uncertainty, my parents pick fights with me because of my lack of practicing and how it will “make me not prepared enough for college”. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I don’t see why they are worried. I know I can slack and get by with the degree (which is what initially they promised all they wanted),because according to my violin professor at UCLA, I already play at UCLA’s graduate level. It’s just that they recently changed their minds and want me to go all out and become a musician, because of who my professor will be.</p>

38

<p>musicalfeet, time will tell. You are only 17 or 18. College is a time for exploring. See what you think after the first year and adjust your studies accordingly when you have discovered what you truly want to do. You dont’ have to fully decide yet.</p>

39

<p>

</p>

<p>Pizzagirl, I was following the flow of the discussion. Sometimes these threads morph into side conversations, related, but not necessarily replying to the original question. I chose my profession partly because it was able to provide me the lifestyle I wanted. After 27 years, I am still happy going to work, so it was a good choice for me.</p>

40

<p>

There’s your answer. How about keeping the instrument, but changing the genre?</p>

<p>My own D was expected by her violin teachers to pursue a classical career. Definitely had promise & went to a serious camp where Midori’s teacher taught & kids flew in from Japan. These kids practiced six hour a day. No WAY would D do that. It was an eye opening experience. Like you, classical was not her passion. We decided not to stick a round peg into a square hole. </p>

<p>She still plays, but limits her classical violin to being the concertmaster of her h.s orchestra & playing the occasional Ave Maria at a wedding. But she’s soaring with her non-classical music & continues with classical voice. I’m sure you will thrive, too, if you focus on the music that you love. The classical training is invaluable as a foundation. But moving into a different musical tradition will allow more time for your business interest. Would your parents meet you halfway?</p>