College is coming up…so that means “leaving the nest”. My parents have been bugging me lately to go to a uni close to home. I’m an only child so I’ve always be with my parents throughout my life and we have a strong bond. I’m fine going to a college far away but its my parents thats making me contemplate my decision.
They don’t socialize much maybe once a month but usually theyre either at work or at home. I just keep imagining when I’m gone, they’re gonna be really lonely and the house would be quiet. My mom thinks that as well and thats why she wants me to still be at the house.
I could either go to a Uni thats really close to home and I could visit them anytime but its not the Uni I want to go to.
or
Go to the Uni I want but its 3 hours away and only see them sometimes/during breaks.
I feel like in the the future Id have the need to visit them all the time to make sure theyre okay when I should be enjoying my college life. I dont know what to do
Well, it’s tough for us parents when our kids leave, no doubt about it. Nonetheless, I feel you should go to the school you want, and I’d say the same if it were your mom asking the question.
You can make it a little easier on them. First, be sensitive to their feelings as you go through this process. Don’t tell them they shouldn’t miss you, don’t turn into a jerk so that they’ll WANT you to go away (jk, sort of), and be kind. Let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Show them why this particular school is the right one for you. And reassure them that you won’t be a stranger - that you’ll be talking/skyping with them regularly.
Three hours is not that far and if you have activities or performances at school, your parents may still feel involved if they can some and see you. About half of my daughter’s team are from places about 2-3 hours from her school, and many of the parents attend games (both at her school and at other schools around the state). My other daughter’s roommate is just over 2 hours from home, and her parents still attend her dance performances. Same with other parents of band members, theater performers.
On the other hand, I went to school less than an hour away and rarely went home and my parents rarely visited. I was not an only child (one of 6) so my parents weren’t lonely!
Do look at the school they are suggesting, and do look at the school(s) you are interested in. Distance is one factor you should consider, both for the positive and negative factors.
So sweet of you to think of them, but this is your time to grow, and 3 hours is not a great distance, seems perfect for your situation. Close enough to visit or get home pretty quickly, no airports involved, and enough distance for you both to adjust to a changing time of life. They will be ok and maybe not depend on you so much, finding new things to fill their time. It is tough to see your kids go away, but when they come home it is so big. It’s like having Christmas a few times a year - your visits now and then will give them something to look forward to and get ready for! You both will be surprised at how fast these four years go!
How you feel at this moment is not how you (or they) will feel even a month into it. They will adjust, you will adjust. We are adaptable beings. You really should live the life you want, that is what they spent all these years getting you ready for. Most parents would like their kids close to home, yet we all deal with it when they are not. And three hours really is not a big deal in the scheme of things. That’s easy to do in a weekend. 6 or 7 hour drive, not so much, but 3 is a breeze. You won’t spend your time worrying about them, you will be too busy in college getting your work done! It is nice of you to be so considerate of their feelings, but perhaps it is time for you and your parents to grow up a little bit. You will all do great. Good luck wherever you choose.
Our daughter just finished her freshman year in college. She is an only child, we are a very close family, and she goes to school over 7000 miles away from us (we live in overseas). It was hard at first, we missed each other all year, but we were excited about where she went and what she was doing. We got used to the new normal, your parents will too.
We did text on Skype every day (we practiced last summer in our living room) and regular communication made a big difference.
We are thrilled with the experience she has had so far, and are really excited to meet the boy she met later this summer. She is home now for the summer, but we are all excited about her going back to school in the fall.
Three hours isn’t that far away. Parents will always miss their kids, but we do adjust. I still remember when my first one was going to college, I would just burst out crying in the car sometimes and I cried all the way home after we dropped her off. Overtime I got used to the new norm. At least your parents will still have each other. It will take time. I think it will be good for you to have some distance from your parents. We all need to make our own happiness, you can’t be their only source of comfort.
Three hours is nothing. Read this, and three hours from now, you will realize that it’s a blink. You are sweet and caring, but you need to live your life as you want to live it. And there are so many breaks, you will be home often. Your parents want you to be happy!!! That is their number 1 goal, trust me. And guess what? It wouldn’t matter if there were other siblings at home, they are still going to miss you like crazy. I have two kids, my eldest goes this August, and it makes me teary-eyed every time I think about it. She will be nine hours away. And I am soooo happy and excited for her. Your parents will be too:-)
I am sure they will miss you, however, this is what they have spent 18 years preparing you for. Their sadness at seeing you move on to the next stage in your life will be more than made up in their pride in you. Go forth and and become the person you are to become.
Parents are grown ups. They can handle this. I promise.
While it’s wonderful that you care, don’t worry about your parents. Three hours is the ideal distance - not too close so your parents popping in for a casual visit, but close enough so your parents and you can meet and visit between breaks. (fwiw, a two-three hour drive was the minimum distance my child considered. Her college is 1000 miles away)
Part of growing as a parent is knowing you have to let the child leave. It’s sad but it’s reality.
Some parents are more capable of adjusting to major life changes than others, but regardless, you are not responsible for your parents’ emotional state. Moving away to college will be the best chance you have of making the transition to independence and adulthood. And given your situation as an only child, I think it is even more important to make a complete break by going away to college.
What is the alternative? You could be stuck at home for the rest of your life, just to please your parents and keep them from feeling uncomfortable with your absence? What if they don’t want to share you with a girlfriend/boyfriend? Will you stay single to make them happy? What if your great job offer after college requires you to move away, will you turn it down so you can keep living at home?
At some point, parents who care about their children realize it is time to let go, and let the child blossom into the next stage of life. Is it easy for loving parents to do this? Of course not. But we do it anyway, and over time we adjust.
It would be sensitive of you to pick a college that is 2 or 3 hours away, and do plan to teach your parents how to skype. Today’s technology will be a great help in communicating with them while you are away.
Good parents will want you to do what is best for you. Ideally that’s what they have spent your whole life trying to do - i.e., trying to discern what is best for you. Now it’s your turn to take the wheel and drive the ship from here. Doing what is good for your parents is the cart driving the horse, or the tail wagging the dog.
Focus on the best option for you, whichever school it is. If it’s close to your parents, that is fine! If not, that’s fine too. It will all work out.
As parents, we know we’ve done our job right when the kids leave!
Your parents have each other. They’ll be fine, and I say that as someone who looks around my big, now quiet house, and misses all the activity that used to go on here. There’s really lots for adults to get involved with if they so choose. There are churches and service clubs, adult classes in art and cooking and home repair. We’re only as isolated as we want to be.
When you make your college decision, it’s fine to consider how close to home a college is, but you also need to consider things like finances and the academic experience. It may turn out the best choice is the local college, or it might be one across the country.
Go to college that makes the most sense, no matter where it is. Take the first job that gives you the best opportunity, no matter where it is. Someday, you may feel like circumstances dictate returning to family, but now, while your parents are still relatively young, they don’t “need” you. Fly. See what’s out there.
listen to @powercropper
" you are not responsible for your parents’ emotional state."
Three hours is perfect tbh. Easy enough for a weekend visit. Day trip is possible in a pinch. Far enough that nobody is “dropping in” in either direction.
You are very thoughtful to be concerned about your parents. I don’t think our only child gave any consideration to how we would feel, although that was fine with us. We wanted his primary focus to be college and his new life there. He is 4 hours away and although we certainly miss him, he’s made a wonderful life for himself with school, work and friends. He isn’t even coming home for the summer, except for one week. We see him about once a month, for a few hours and have a great time together (we spend the rest of the time with other friends and relatives).
Go to the college that is best for you. Of course, it will be a difficult adjustment for your parents. Don’t worry, they will get through it. Watching our son become a mature, independent young man is everything we wished for him.
We were also 3 hours and we found it easy. Once the choice is made, you can plan their possible visits (parents weekend, some other time) and times when you dart home (eg, fall break or Thanksgiving.) They can look forward to those. Just as you have a growth period coming up, they do, too. Just as you’ll learn to manage, so will they. The bonds don’t just fade. You can text or skype-or even talk.
I agree with the rest that it’s nice of you to be concerned about your parents and that you should go where you feel is the best choice for you. That assumes your parents are willing to pay and won’t use the power of the purse to force you to stay close to home. Hopefully it won’t come to that.
I’m about to graduate my youngest, who has been a virtual only for years since her siblings are many years older. She is going 2,000 miles away and I won’t lie-I’ll miss her terribly. But it would be cruel of me to force her to take a path that is what I want instead of what SHE wants, so I will have her teach me to Skype and we’ll talk and text when we can. My opinion has always been that a parent’s job is to raise a strong young person who isn’t afraid to take on the world no matter where that leads, even if it’s far away. It is not our job to raise a child and then chain them to OUR home. Good luck as you navigate this tricky path.
I will probably go to the Uni I like. My mom still pesters me though and wants me to consider other colleges close to home. She always talks me down saying I won’t get in cause its a tough school. But my mom’s only doing that because she doesnt want me to go. Its really hard for her to see me gone but I know my mom will be fine later on.
Thank you for all the kind replies! I really needed some perspective on the whole situation. And I’ll be a senior in HS this coming fall so thats when I’ll start applying.
I’ll take in consideration all of the advice I’ve been given.
Honestly, I think it’s even worse for her to tell you not to apply because you won’t get in to discourage you from even trying just so she can keep you closer to home! I confess that I do not understand parents who put their interests in front of their kids. I can see helping a child going for too many reaches to be realistic, and of course, parents HAVE to be honest about affordability, but to basically lie to your kid that they can’t get in someplace just to keep that leash tight is so wrong, imo.
