Parents with kids >21 year old..

Parent Cafe
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<p>We have two >21 year olds… one just moved out and the other flexing his wings so to speak and will be moving out soon. Both got their University degrees and are gainfully employed. So, we the parents feel that we have done a “decent parenting job” and we are ever so thankful for this. However, sometime I feel that I as a Dad should have done certain things … which I did not do. It may be considered trivial by some but at times I regret not doing the little things with my kids… Fishing for one; I would have loved to give them $… when they reached 21 (if I had put away some money in savings) just mention a few…</p>

<p>Wonder any other parent out there like me? if so, what are your regrets, however trivial it may be? love to hear from you.</p>

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<p>Hopefully you are not dwelling too much on the should/could/would haves. Re the fishing- grandpa gave our son a kid’s rod, tackle box et al and took him once or twice, father came from India, vegetarian, never has fished in his life, I dislike it- nothing your kid missed, nor mine. </p>

<p>Do your kids talk to you? Do they want to visit with you? Then you have done a great, not merely decent, job. You also instilled in them the desire to be self sufficient and all sorts of other good traits. Pat yourself on the back. Money-they had enough to go to college and have job skills, sufficient.</p>

<p>Our only child just finished college, just got a great job. He’s only 21 (gifted) and hopefully will do grad work someday. In the perfect world we would have been perfect parents and he would have been the perfect kid. Not so. I have spent time thinking about our hopes when he was born and the path our lives took. Analysis shows me some of the reasons he has done what he has. I look at both of his parents and see why he is who he is today. Our traits, good and bad.</p>

<p>Things we did outside of sending him to school where society teaches most of what is needed. Taught/had others teach him to swim, ride a bike, drive a car. Some don’t get these skills in childhood and it is hard to as an adult. Taught him our values, ethics, morals. Took him to museums, made him a reader. Let him play, be in cub scouts, summer soccer, winter basketball- normal childhood stuff. Gave him the academic extras he needed. Taught him to be frugal- buy what is worth having, not what you can afford.</p>

<p>Traveled some, but as a teen he was unbearable to be with so he didn’t get to places we could have gone. Couldn’t give him a sibling. Couldn’t make him less strong willed/stubborn et al than his parents. Couldn’t make my siblings see us more. A few things he wished we had emphasized, messages received by him have been briefly mentioned by him. Hopefully later on he will realize our good intentions.</p>

<p>Notice how much of what I have dwelt on is abstract. Our most important legacy to our kids is abstract, not the concrete. Here’s a suggestion. Have a talk with your kids, together or separately, and find out what they think of their childhood. Bring up some of your wishes and see if they missed them. It is too soon for us but I have done the self critique and my H and I have discussed “what ifs”. We need to focus on the successes, none of the if onlys.</p>

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<p>I suspect you’ve done a great job, Anthonyp–both of your sons graduated from college AND have jobs–congratulations. There is still time for some fishing outings and they might enjoy the getaway more now that they are fulltime workers. If you can save a little for a holiday cash gift some year, they will be most appreciative after paying their own way.</p>

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<p>thanks wis75 & fauve for your input. … no, I certainly don’t dwell on it. Thankfully , we sure do have a very good relationship with our kids. This is one of those silly (?) thoughts that come to you and start to to wonder…</p>

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<p>You mentioned that you would like to give them money now that they are over 21 if they would save it. There might be an opportunity to do that down the road, you could help them with a down payment on a house. I speak from experience, it will be greatly appreciated. There would also be the possibility of setting up an educational fund for your grandchildren. Again, I speak from experience, it would be greatly appreciated. They are still young, there will still be opportunities for you to help them.</p>

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<p>thanks Pea… that makes sense. This crossed my mind too. In a light-hearted manner, I would like ask you, if you had to re-live those years is there anything you would have done different /or more ???</p>

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<p>Let’s see, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. I know I made mistakes but right now I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on it. I’m not quite in your position yet, I’ve still got one at home. You sound kind of sad, I wonder if you are having trouble with an empty nest?</p>

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<p>LOL:) thanks… sad? Not at all… I guess I am giving the wrong vibe :slight_smile: No this is just a silly thought… no big deal. Maybe I should re-phrase my posting… thanks anyway.</p>

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<p>As I have shared with my kids, we never had a dog. I regret this. We had a cat, some hamsters, a fish. But no dog. Oh well. I am pretty sure they will have doggies at some point. I just honestly did not want to pick up poop in a bag and you Know who would have had to do that. Not the kiddies.</p>

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<p>Thanks Hugcheck… that’s a good one. I am glad that we got a dog (GS) 3 years ago… of course the kids promised to do all the chores but that did not happen and that’s my job now. But this “big baby” is just wonderful and had brought us all nothing but joy No regrets what-so- ever.</p>

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<p>Mine are both over 21. One thing I regret is not doing more with our summers when they were growing up. There was a lot of boredom, and I think that with a little more parental creativity, that could have been avoided.</p>

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<p>Mine are 20 and 24. They are well started. I do wish I’d made a few different decisions for each of them academically in middle and high school, although I really can’t complain about the end result of their educations. But mostly, I wish we’d made more of a big deal about important family traditions. And another child would have been nice – but as we all know, they come when they want to and we don’t have a lot to say about it!</p>

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<p>Marian… I agree, we had few of those summers. Some times other more pressing issues does not leave room for creativity; As CNP55 mentioned, i wish I thought them at least to speak my native languages…</p>

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<p>My older son turned 22 on July 4th so I get to squeak in here. :)</p>

<p>One thing I regret is not dealing with a bully issue in a more timely and aggressive manner (middle school). I believe that it really hurt my son and contributed to his shyness. He was a bit young for his grade, and more susceptible (many parents of “summer boys” hold them back a year, so some of his male classmates were a full year or more older). The principal was aware of the bullying by 2 boys, and agreed with us, but this was before all the anti-bullying info became more recognized by schools.</p>

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<p>I stayed home for most of my kid’s lives . They are now 19 ,21 ,23, and 30 . My regret is that phase is over !</p>

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<p>Mine are 21 & 23. Have no real regrets–spent more time with them by being a stay-at-home mom when they were in grade school, which allowed us a lot of flexibility and let us travel with them when H’s job sent us places. Wish we could have found them a magic cure so they could have had healthier & happier HS years, but the challenges they have overcome have made them stronger & more complex.</p>

<p>S is 23 & working in a full-time job in his field that so far he likes. D is on track to graduate with her HS class in a field that she loves! Both talk with us and seem happy and have nice friends whom we like. They love one another and us! </p>

<p>No real regrets–yet.</p>

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<p>No regrets, but a similar train of thought was triggered when I read Luke Russert’s essay about his father, Tim Russert. It really made me think about some things I could do for my kids. </p>

<p>[Luke</a> Russert What I Learned From My Dad | Parade.com](<a href=“http://www.parade.com/celebrity/2011/06/luke-russert-lessons-from-my-father.html]Luke”>http://www.parade.com/celebrity/2011/06/luke-russert-lessons-from-my-father.html)</p>