part of the opening for my essay

<p>i have to write about a person who has significantly influenced me.. this is the opening to my essay about kathleen hanna (the lead singer of a '90s riot grrl band, bikini kill). it's for the university of miami. how does this sound so far? i know it needs considerable fine-tuning but it's just a start, and i have all summer and part of fall:</p>

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<p>Being born in 1993, I cannot possibly admit in this space to the University of Miami's department of admissions that I am an original riot grrl, and spent hours in front of the mirror in the mid-to-late nineties perfecting my imitation of Courtney Love's man-eating snarl and scrawling "This is What A Feminist Looks Like!" across my belly in Sharpie, and expect to be taken seriously. My idea of girl power during this time period was the Spice Girls sashaying in Union Jack-print microdresses and throwing peace signs to the world.</p>

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<p>my essay's going to introduce kathleen and what her band stood for, and how she (indirectly, of course, as i don't know her personally) inspired me to study feminism, art, and music more critically and become confident as a young woman. blahblahblah.</p>

<p>Although difficult to tell with just a short opening, I think it is an interesting idea. Make sure that the essay is about you so remember the main point is how this person affected YOU.</p>

<p>Some fine tune details which can be worked on later, pay attention to your spelling, grammar and sentence structure. The first sentence is way too long. Every word should be important, not stating the obvious like "to the University of Miami's department of admissions".</p>

<p>I agree that the first sentence needs to pack more punch... all the padding seriously hurts what would otherwise be a nice beginning "hook". I would shorten it to something that begins with those juicy details immediately rather than "I was born in 1993" and fluff like "in this space to the University of Miami's department of admissions"</p>

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[quote]
I am an original riot girl. As a six-year-old, I spent hours in front of the mirror perfecting my imitation of Courtney Love's man-eating snarl and scrawling "This is What A Feminist Looks Like!" across my belly in Sharpie. My idea of girl power was the Spice Girls sashaying in Union Jack-print microdresses and throwing peace signs to the world.

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<p>I deleted some words and reworded two, see if you can spot them. See how much more interesting and powerful your writing can be just by cutting out unnecessary words? Always take out as many (fluffy) words as you can!! It does some amazing and dramatic things to your essay. :D</p>