We all know we love our children dearly and want them to love us back. Many of us had/would/will feel the pain when our children first leave for colleges. Just a while ago, I was listening to the Passenger’s Let Her Go and felt the song basically was my experience of the past few years — started to picture what I could handle when my child went to college while she was still early in high school to the first few months of her college that we tried very hard not to contact her unless she initiated the contact herself first. Our relation with our child actually has grown by learning to let her go. What about you, any experience in letting your child/children go? Please share.
I think sometimes we need to be careful to make sure that letting them go doesn’t mean forcing them out before they feel ready.
My son chose a college less than an hour from home – very deliberately because he didn’t feel comfortable going further away. He liked being in a familiar area and being able to come home when he felt like it (although he did not actually come home very often). That’s what was right for him at 18, and I’m glad that we didn’t try to force him into greater independence by insisting on a more distant college or forbidding him from coming home when he wanted to.
At 22, he was a different person. He moved to the opposite side of the country and has been there ever since.
We had not trouble letting o- we had trouble getting kid to keep in touch (still do).
I have never looked at it as “letting go” or “let them go”. I felt I was not their keeper but their nurturer. I was sad AND excited when they left.
I really did not see this as a just a change and opportunity for them but also for me/us (H). Once our 3rd child was in high school I started pursuing a reorganization of my time and interests so that I too moved onto some new things/routines.
As far as contacting or not contacting - that was just not an issue for all three of mine. Our communication together was frequent during high school and during college. OMG they had so much they wanted to share the first weeks/months! Really that never let up. Still does even with the first out of college now 7 years. I hear from her in some form or another daily. I guess it depends on expectations. I didn’t HAVE expectations or requirements - nor did they. No “you must call once a week” or “I’ll call once a week”. We are family! We just stay in touch! They are adults sure. But so am I and my mom - but I surely call her or she calls me when we want or need to stay in touch - not on a schedule. For my kids, distance - meaning no contact - was not something they required to “grow”.
So I feel like while my kids - age 29, 26 and 21 - are functioning, educating, working…I did not “let them go”. They just are living outside of our house - in their own homes - but are lives are still very intertwined. By choice. They did not let me go either! 
I guess I feel like we let the middle kid go, since he’s in the Middle East and likely will not live in the US again. We’ll probably see him only every couple of years. At least he stays in touch almost daily, which helps to ease the pain!
Families are so different!
My two kids are grown and living in other parts of the country, and I typically talk with each of them on the phone about once every three weeks. We may send emails in between, especially if something is going on (like the planning for a visit). But that doesn’t happen most of the time.
It was the same with my parents and me. Calls or letters happened every few weeks at the most.
I can’t even imagine daily contact. I mentioned to my daughter once that I knew of some mother/daughter pairs who talk to each other every day. She couldn’t figure out how they found enough to talk about, and neither could I.
I still talk to my parents almost every day, usually just for a few minutes. How do people find things to talk about with their spouses every day? Same thing. My kid probably wouldn’t be doing this, and I’m fine with it. But once in a few weeks seems way too little.
My husband and I often have nothing to talk about beyond the routine day-to-day details involved in sharing a home. I think the only thing I said to him this morning was “Do you want me to pick up Chinese food for dinner?”
My kids don’t share a home with me any more, so we wouldn’t even have things like takeout to talk about. I wouldn’t want to talk with them every day. It would be a strain to try to find things to say. Sometimes, if our lives have been uneventful, it can be a strain to find anything to say even after two or three weeks.
But people are different. If you enjoy talking with family members every day, that’s great.
I let mine go and it has been so much better than expected. She chose to go to a school 1000 miles from home where she knew no one. She has become so much stronger because of her experiences. Based on how she was as a child I thought she would basically live in my pocket. I thought she wouldn’t be able to handle things on her own. But she is handling it. We are learning a lot about different parts of the country and now different parts of the world because of her. I try not to text first but still end up texting with her almost daily. Also, she asks for a picture of her cat daily, lol. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my own parents and I’m enjoying it with her.
We were excited when our kids started college because it was something we had prepared them for in the first 18 years of their life. We continued to encourage them to explore their passions and take risks throughout their undergrad and graduate degrees. What we were not prepared for was the decision by our older child to choose to work and live in another country. Permanently. She’s never coming back. And yet we should not have been surprised because that’s how we raised her.
I was telling a former elementary teacher of hers about it, and she told me I shouldn’t complain because her daughter lives in Australia. That certainly made the eight hour flight to our daughter seem very short.
I think I should stop complaining about one of my kids being two time zones away and the other one being three time zones away. I can’t even imagine how you manage to talk with a kid in Australia.
I agree with poster #9. This is what we prepared them for. Do you want them living in your basement?
I knew when our son was born that he was going to be an only child. For someone with 6 siblings, it was a totally different mindset. I “mourned” so many steps along the way but only to myself. I knew that I didn’t really want him to stay a baby but each outfit that I washed for the final time before giving it away made me a little bit sad. I loved each stage along the way and was sad as they ended.
Going to college 5 hours away was difficult for me but almost necessary for him. when I look back at my old posts from 8 years ago, my most frequent comments were about the infrequency of phone calls. That didn’t change until junior year and his semester abroad. And, he went back to once a month or so when he returned. Now he lives on the other side of the country, three times zones away, and we share sporting events, political discussions, complaints about friends, and exercise sessions. I am the one that he calls when the Hollywood craziness is getting him down.
Sometimes he calls just to talk and most times we text or message. I still follow my policy of not calling him without texting first.
Although I love having him home, I don’t want him living here because that would mean that he has given up his dream. I think I understand OP’s meaning for letting go. Although he will always be a part of me, he has to fly on his own.
@Marian it’s not hard to talk to kids continents away. All you need is the time change and have an agreed upon time.
One of our kids was in Eastern Africa for 27 months. We talked to that kid once a week at least via Skype. It was easiest for this to happen on Sunday mornings EST because that was Sunday night where she lived.
We have relatives in Australia. We chat with them via FaceTime about once a month. When it is 9 in the evening here…it is 9 or 10 in the morning the following day there. So we call them at 9 pm EST on either Friday or Saturday …our time…and they get the call either Saturday or Sunday morning their time.
It’s really rather easy…
“Now he lives on the other side of the country, three times zones away, and we share sporting events, political discussions, complaints about friends, and exercise sessions. I am the one that he calls when the Hollywood craziness is getting him down.”
^^^ It is like our relationship with our children evolves from parents/children, mentor/apprentice, to eventually friends (peer to peer). Having been watching my tone when I speak to my recently-turned adult child, but the context of our conversation is much more enjoyable than few years ago.
Leaving enhanced my relationship with D1, though I heard much, much more from D2 and it’s still the case, a few years post grad.
Recently, D1’s boyfriend asked, didn’t I realize they continue to live nearby (3 blocks) specifically because D1 wants to be near me? Lol, no! I see her about once/month, we text (but sometimes she doesn’t answer for a few days.) We trade pet sitting and rides to the airport or train. But we’re undoubtedly close. And I’m always one of the first to get her good news.
D2 and I communicate multi times/week, see each other, and she’s 60 miles away.
D was a CDB Scholar and could have gone anywhere in the country for high school. We weren’t up for that, and I don’t think she was either. Plus, we had one of the best independent schools in the country just across town. She went to the other side of the country for college. I think we actually talked more – and more deeply at times – by phone, text & Skype than when she was at home, but that was more due to what was going in her life and the decisions she was having to make than the distance. Now back in town at grad school. Older, wiser, doesn’t need as much guidance from Dad but asks for it as needed [like whether to open an IRA – YES]. I love my relationship with this very responsible [and very caring] young adult. Probably moving to the other side of the world when it’s time to start writing the dissertation [the fellowship money will go a lot further and the research resources are there]. My heart will break a little bit [again], but we will continue to talk in various ways [again], and no one knows where the next stop will be.
I hear from D1 about once a week. I hear from D2 every day. It may simply be nothing more than a funny cat GIF or a brief text about something mundane. It’s not a long convo every day.
My kids are both married and do not live local. we have a family text group that includes our two kids, my husband and myself; their spouses are not part of this group, and that was how my son set up the group. They also have a group for just them and their spouses, that do not include my husband and myself. We “talk” with the kids by text within this group often. Of course we will also text each of them separately when needed.
My son calls us on the home phone usually on Sundays while he and his wife are going out, so we chat we them for a few minutes. Sometimes he will call me without his wife around during the day, and other times will call dad. We have never ask for him to call, it is just something he decides to do. My daughter’s work schedule is so time consuming, that she tends to call me on a weekend afternoon as it is a 5 hour time difference. My husband will call her if he has to be at work early on a Saturday as it is afternoon for her.
While my kids are independent married young adults, they are close enough to my husband and I, as well as their grandparents and other family members, that it would not cross either of their minds, not to call or text. We all always have something to chat about, be it work, life, or family related. If we have nothing to talk about, the calls are shorter. Family is important to my children, so while they live far away, talking to us keeps them connected. My son can easily call his grandparents and talk to them for 30 minutes and he does so at least monthly.
I am lucky that both of them live in the same city as I do. I may have an opportunity to work in a very far away country, and they are the ones who do not want me to go.
My side of family is very close. We get together at least 2 times a year, all 18+ of us, so my kids are used to spend time with us.
I have different communication patterns with my 2 girls. Even though D1 and I do not talk everyday now (2-3 times a week), we would just yak about everything…work (rant about no support, boss, travel), her friends (who got engaged, how annoying some of them are), relatives, travel, weather. D2 talks to me when she needs to (problem). She doesn’t like to talk on the phone, but great with text. She likes to send me pictures or videos of animals.