<p>@BB- Sorry, I don’t consider that a job. It’s a lifestyle choice and I fully support it but I don’t consider it a job. That does NOT mean it’s less important than the spouse who does have a job. My father was a stay-at-home parent for much of my life and I don’t think he was any less valuable than my mom who actually brought home the pay check. (Also- I just asked him. He said he never considered that his job. It was what was needed of him. His “role” in the family. While my mom’s role was to bring home the paycheck because she was the one who was physically able to.) This is just something that we’ll have to disagree on. </p>
<p>@hops- If you need to make it work, you make it work. Even with odd hours. </p>
<p>In general, if you don’t make money you either get it from your parents or you make it work somehow- whether that means with a job or some other means. If not, you don’t go to school. Just because you’re a graduate student doesn’t mean the money is going to magically appear. I didn’t necessarily say the student had to have time for a job during the year; in fact, many had to make money other times (such as working well over full time in the summer or during breaks or taking a few gap years to save money if we’re referring to grad school). </p>
<p>And with that, I am done with this particular topic.</p>
<p>I have a theory about why some families may be paying for adult children longer, and it has to do with cell phones and other electronic communication–my theory is that we are witnessing the rebirth of the extended family, but this time, rather than living in the same house or even town, they are virtually connected. They may maintain a stronger sense of continuing to be a family unit, and it may not seem as strange to share financially.</p>
<p>My daughter is in med school and seeing it first hand I would think that there are very few medical students that can pull off holding any sort of “real” job. Though it might be possible to free up some hours it wouldn’t be enough to make it worth your while. You need the time to study and recharge. Some medical students roll their cost of living into their loans. We still pay for D’s cell phone and will continue to do so until she is Dr. D.</p>
<p>I think medical school students live off their future income, i.e., loans.</p>
<p>We know we still paid DS’s cell phone service. We really do not have a very clear idea about what we paid and what he paid, even during the gap year he worked full-time. Our finance has been all interwined with his, and it is difficult to tell apart. We do not plan it this way (we are not good at financial planning ourselves.); it just happens and so far neither he or we care.</p>
<p>Officially, all the student loans are in his name though.</p>
<p>I guess this situation will change only after he starts his own family (i.e., get married.)</p>
<p>It is hard to let go of helping our kids but the longer we let them know they could count on us if they fall the longer it will take for them to count on themselves. Safety nets could be a dangerous thing in the development of a 20 something.</p>
<p>We haven’t found this to be the case. I guess it depends on the kid. We are fortunate enough to be in a financial position to help our Ds in many ways and have been happy to do so. They are very appreciative of everything we’ve done, and continue to do, and to be honest, it is nice to see them be able to do and to enjoy things that they would not have been able to do otherwise. The ones who have finished school are all well-employed in their chosen fields and are self-supporting, but we have helped them with a first house downpayment, with car purchases, and we’ve always funded a whole family vacation at least once a year, including my parents. </p>
<p>As well-educated and well-employed as my Ds are and likely will be, it’s unlikely that any of them will ever be in our financial position. My parents funded my education and occasionally helped with minor unexpected expenses but in our early years of marriage, we struggled financially and it was neither character-building, nor fun. There’s nothing inherently wonderful about being strapped financially. I would never want any of my Ds to be in that position, if I could do anything about it. They all pay their own cell phone bills, though, except for my youngest who is in med school!</p>
<p>I think that there will always be those who think that it is damaging in some way to financially help out adult children. I once had a friend make a really snarky comment (after she point blank asked) and I told her that we helped D out so that she could keep her loans to a minimum. You would have thought that my kid was going to end up robbing banks as a result of bad parenting. I now realize that she asked because her own D was thinking about grad school and she needed to validate her opinion. To each his own.</p>
<p>Everyone with kids of a certain age has a view on the helping out issue…some to the point that even a paid cell phone plan is the beginning of a road to h*ll. It is my opinion that there are no hard and firm rules and while the kids who pull off early financial independence have every reason to feel a great deal of satisfaction I don’t believe that those parents who are part of graduate school finances or contribute to the buying of a first home have destined their progeny to a lack of character or an unnatural dependence. Like alwaysamom, I think that it depends on the kid.</p>
<p>This generation is going to school for a longer period and paying more for the privilege. Life in general is more expensive. The most basic of examples is that dollar for dollar my daughter pays significantly more for her slummy apartment than I did for an equally dumpy place in the late 70’s. If I am in a position to help out I am going to. I was financially independent at 23 but that in itself wasn’t a character builder.</p>
<p>I agree with alwaysamom. It depends on how they are raised. Both my husband and I have never struggled financially and have all our education paid for by our parents including medical school for my H. We did the same for our children. They are now well employed in their chosen fields, very financially responsible and there may not be a need to help with down payments on future homes, even though they live in NYC now.</p>
<p>But we are still paying for their cell phones, in our family plan.</p>
<p>I have never struggled financially. Nearly all the kids I knew in college & grad school were similarly situated to me & I didn’t feel strapped or deprived. We have wanted our kdis to be similarly comfortable. My kids appear quite financially responsible but we expect we will likely help them if we are able so they can afford decent places to live at the appropriate time (HI housing prices have gone up exponentially and salaries have not kept pace). </p>
<p>Whether or not there is a family plan for insurance or cell phone is realy a pretty minor issue to us in the scheme of things. It’s often significantly cheaper to have a family plan for these items than to have everyone purchase his/her own plan.</p>
<p>Talking about housing expenses: Currently we may pay twice as much on our own housing than DS on his housing.</p>
<p>We just feel it is not right for us parents to live much more lavishly (more living space, better neighborhood, better car, etc) than our kid who lives on a shoe-string budget just because he continues his education well into late 20s. But, with all the “personal responsibility” trend these days, I do not know what is the right way. Maybe one potential solution is, after we could afford to retire, we move to his city? (We definitely can not afford two “nice” houses.) Hmm…do I just have an unrealistic dream because of the empty-nest syndrom?!)</p>
<p>In our family, it is often the case that DS asks us not to spend money on such-and-such (on him), rather than the other way around. I do not think he is spoiled at all.</p>
<p>Why is it not right for people who have worked all their lives to live more lavishly as someone who chooses to continue education into late 20s? I don’t understand. Makes sense to me that young people have the same rites of passage that the rest of us had, to whatever degree circumstances dictate. YMMV</p>
<p>mcat2, but you’ve earned it, you’ve worked hard for years and therefore have better cars, houses etc. Let your kid pay his own way…he’ll live in the style within the context of his peers who also have delayed employment due to graduate level education.
I personally would not feel guilty.</p>
The problem is that the “SOMEONE” is not a random person; (s)he is your S or D!</p>
<p>Regarding “working hard”, I even believe S has been “working” harder than us in the past few years. He is working even much harder now. The only difference is he is not working for his “current income.”</p>
<p>It really is a personal choice. I guess I would not be happy if I felt my kids were being terribly deprived (especially compared with peers) while working REALLY hard while I felt I was in the lap of luxury. I have no problem with them living with other young people in housing that is safe and clean until they can afford something better, but we’re all different. If they are sacrificing safe and clean and possibly health, I would offer to help until they are able to provide better for themselves.</p>
<p>As it is, my kids live in safe and clean living situations and are pretty content. I do not feel they are particularly deprived, nor do they. We all feel that they are living as young adults their age do and we’re all find with that. Of course, YMMV.</p>
<p>HImom and cbreeze, Thanks for sharing your insight.</p>
<p>To be sure, my kid lives in safe and clean living situation. He lives in the dorm (just because it is slightly cheaper there), and eats at school’s cafeteria during weekdays, and the places like Subway during weekend. (We sometimes encourage him to go to restaurant when he has a friend to go there together.)</p>
<p>He definitely does not live lavishly. Heck, he even does not have a car (after he has got the driver license for N years.), does not have a smart phone, and has not taken any vacation for years. Actually, many of his peers, either during college years or now, appear to have much more money to spend.</p>
<p>mcat, why would you move to his city after you retire? Isn’t the point of retirement to do what you want to do? I just thought people wanted to move to where they wanted (or stay where they are) rather than following their kids. Different strokes I guess.</p>
<p>I think I did not express myself well. I do not think I want him to live with us when he is eventually financially independent of us. Rather, when he is still a poor student and if (this is a big “if”) he is still willing to live with us, we do not mind if he chooses to live with us.</p>
<p>We are really tired of having some family members to fly thousands of miles each holiday.</p>
<p>Even after he starts his own family in the future, I admit that, if it can be worked out, we prefer to live not very far from where he lives (e.g., within 3 hours drive.) We do not have to live in the same city.</p>
<p>I once read an article, in which it is said if a college is in a city where its students could stay and make a living after graduation, the population of this city will keep growing. One reason the author mentioned is their parents (not all, but many) eventually follow their adult children to this city. Most live in a house separately from their child’s.</p>
<p>One of the reasons I moved back to the state and island were I grew up was that my older sister had her 1st child while living in Chicago. I then realized that we would only see said kiddo & sister & BIL when we flew out there or they flew to wherever we were. I decided I really didn’t want that, much as I loved the 6 years I had been away from HI. I decided to move back to HI to settle down & start my career. ALL of my sibs, including the one who had purchased a home in Chicago also moved back to HI (though nearly all of us had attended school 2500-5000 miles away). My parents never had to face whether to follow us – we just ALL chose to move back to the same island where we were born and had been raised. Many of us live within a 5-15 minute drive of one another. The furtherest lives less than an hour’s drive. </p>
<p>We can spend our vacations visiting in-laws or going to places we want to see. Most of our folks’ friends have had their kids settle all over the place, so we feel very fortunate. </p>
<p>Our home will always be open to our kids and their spouses and grandkids (tho it IS somewhat small). </p>
<p>We like to be able to take our kids out to eat at nice restaurants from time to time; they appreciate it as well. Sometimes we do give them some extra money, which they are always happy to receive (though S earns a good salary & is quite comfortable–he’s hard to shop for so cash always works).</p>
<p>We will be helping 27-year-old S1 with some grad courses he needs to take. He earns a whopping $28K at his current job but needs to pay ~$4K for the courses that will permit him to earn more money. I view it as an investment and a continuation of his undergrad tuition, which we paid for.</p>