We are parents of 3 children. The oldest who just graduated college had about $40,000 in debt. We had saved some money to pay for most of the 4 year college which amounted to about $120K-$130K. After high school, I explained to the oldest that she must choose a school carefully where the tuition will not break the bank.
The youngest is graduating and has applied to some Ivy League private and state schools. Our issue is that my youngest has her heart set on a private school and the cost is approximately $50,000 per year. We only have about $80,000 in total, leaving a shortfall of $120,000 in debt. Based on the private loans and interest rates, the true cost would be over $200,000.
She does not want to go anywhere else but this college. My biggest concern is the debt coming out of school. Based on her major/minor any state school would be fine. I do not see any income incentive as part of these private schools. I also do not want her to be in serious debt as it can ruin her life moving forward. Under $50,000 in debt I feel is manageable for most people if they live at home and work after graduation.
I feel a little guilty by saying NO; she has been upset and crying for days. What would other parents do in a situation like this? The job market in the United States is limited and paying for an expensive college may not be worth it. We want our daughter to attend college, but not where the true cost is $200,000 for 4 years.
You are doing the right thing. Coming out of school with that much debt limits so many things including job, housing, and savings decisions. You are doing her a favor by saying no.
The school is not affordable. Does she still have open affordable options?
Noting that she can only take out $27K in undergrad debt, the rest of the debt would be on the parents either directly or as a co-signer. Some of those loans may be able to be changed in her name after she graduates, something to look into.
I do not think that comparison even has to be discussed. Family situation changes over years. Kids may have different academic (and mental) needs. Idea of “equal” treatment is family business.
I have 3 kids that I love dearly. But they did not get per say “equal” treatment. However, they all got what they needed, deserved (based on their efforts) and family could afford at that particular time. I do not have any kid rolling around the house claiming they want more. They are adults (more or less) and as parents we are not obligated to pay anything! They are lucky to get what they get. We choose how to spend money we earned.
The only time I would consider equal treatment was case of identical twins discussed recently. I was feeling for the single mother to whom most people suggested to send more successful twin to free ride at school he did not want to attend to get enough money to pay for better school for another twin. That is totally unfair on my books and would destroy family and kids relationships.
We set a hard budget, and insisted that our daughters stick with it. The budget was somewhat lower than what the private university would cost you, and was also lower than what some private universities would have cost us (NEU being an example of a school where one daughter was accepted but that did not meet our budget). We would not allow our daughters to take on any debt for university.
Our oldest was not happy about this, and was not happy with the “no debt” restriction. She nonetheless attended a university that fit her budget, and did well there (after somewhat ironically switching to a major that NEU does not offer, but this was just lucky). Our youngest was fine with this restriction, and only applied to schools that fit the budget relatively easily.
Four years later, our oldest graduated university with no debt. She was offered a dream job. The job was very interesting, was what she wanted to do, and was on the right path for where she wanted to go with her life. However, the pay was bad. They could pay badly because the job was that interesting. She was only able to take the job because she had no debt. She took the job, loved it, and this led to a second job, which has in turn led to a very good graduate program (she is currently just starting her fourth year for her DVM). She has thanked me at least twice for not allowing her to take on debt for her bachelor’s degree.
$40,000 debt is manageable, but is a lot of debt. Anything more than that I would just not allow unless either it was absolutely required or a medical doctorate was involved.
You are doing the right thing. I know that this is not easy.
Is there an unstated source of conflict where you paid $120k-130k for the first kid’s college (and probably took ~$13k of parent loans or cosigned that amount of student loans beyond the federal direct loan limit), but are only able to pay $80k for the last kid’s college (and what about the middle kid’s college?)?
Sorry for the confusion. The first child’s college was about $120K-$130K. The $80K we have for the child would be because we have to make up the difference of the 529 plan (about $12K) and also the checks written (About $22K) from both parents. So we still have to come up with $34K from our savings to make things equal. If the youngest follows the same path ($120K), then the debt left would only be $40K. The government loans are at a lower interest rate, while private is very high. She would work throughout the summers and make enough to pay for some of the debt. Because the oldest lived off campus, the food expenses, plus other minor expenses were charged and paid, so I had to come to some figure. Then there is a 3rd child in community college (we have 100% of that money in a 529 plan) that may or may not go to a 4 year school. If he graduates with a degree and moves on (probably will not attend a 4 year school), then we also have to provide him with the same amount of money for say a house, which now is another $60,000 in total. All of them are to be treated fairly and as equal as possible. The last and final though is the job market (very limited) and the scary future of this country. Why spend and put yourself in this kind of debt with all this uncertainty. Thank you.
To earn $15K for year during school and summer is very difficult in NJ. The "during school " part will not work as academics is a priority. The summer will, but now at most you are making $400 per week net if you land a summer job, and no more than $4,800 for the year. This money is money that is saved and not spent and applied to the interest and small payments for the private loans, etc. When I was in school, back in the day I worked in a pizzeria. Made mad money and mainly cash because those were the times. Those days are over. I worked with family. I came out with $22K in student loan debt in the 90’s. It was paid off in 15 months and I worked all year and went to college, paid 100% of my car and college, gas, etc. This is another reason why I will not give in. We pay for almost everything here. And it is mainly due to the fact that finding work is difficult. They do help out at home, which helps a lot.
It’s a maturity thing or perhaps you never say no.
But - you have no choice but to say no.
btw - kids go to the dream school - have a bad roomie, bad prof, the food stinks, the dorm is gross - whatever.
It’s hard for a kid who’s maybe not experienced rejection to hear it.
But $120K is another rent payment over 10 years - over $1K a month after graduating - who is paying that?
Where did she commit to?
It’s clear you can’t afford this.
Would you book the Ritz Carlton if you could only afford the Fairfield Marriott?
Sorry - this is on you and I’m not saying it to be mean but for future applicants taking part - parents, set a budget and assure schools you apply to are within budget. Don’t allow your kids to apply to any schools that can’t reach budget. And on those that aren’t at budget but have the potential to get there, let your kids apply - but let them know the bottom line #. It hits this or it’s gone.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you didn’t do this.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation but it’s too expensive not to say no.
Did your daughter already apply to Ivy league schools or is this for next year? I know she may be crying now, and that is definitely tough to see. But you have the advantage of maturity and you can see that she will surely be more upset in the future (and very limited in her living situations/jobs she will need to have) if she takes on that level of debt. I think she’ll ultimately thank you for sticking to the budget and hopefully she’ll find a college where she will be happy and thrive. Best of luck.
My kids get our names off of loans after 12 months of repayment. One of my kids didn’t dig deep into how generous some school are with merit (or not). She mourned for an hour or so, and moved on. She was going into a DPT program after college so pretty much needed a solid gpa and test scores. Early on in her freshman year she said she was glad we didn’t let her go to her dream school, she loved when she landed.
You are correct! As parents we are not obligated. I have explained this to each of them. A little debt is healthy and a learning experience. A lot of debt is sheer stupidity. I know parents to owe the IRS a lot of money because they liquidated retirement accounts, and have no savings, plus are behind on their bills, and tons of credit card debt. This is because they want to be “The Proud Parents” and send their kids to expensive schools, when in reality they are lucky if they can find a decent job when they graduate.
My oldest graduated from college. The college did nothing to help them find work. She is on her own. The pay is so low from what she has been offered, that one would be better off as a waitress even in a Pizzeria, and make more money.
The notion of what is online states that the 10-year breakeven point on college is so overrated, unless in a specialized field. I see some loans taking 20 + years. I do not want the stress or have this stress created on the child. She may be upset and mad now and make a decision at the last minute or even take a semester off, not sure. But when reality sets in that she is not heading to the $200K college, she will come to her senses.