Paying for Wedding after Paying for College

Parent Cafe
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<p>For those of you who have been through this, how did you handle it? Threads here talk about what part, if any, of college, parents pay for. There has been discussions about paying/not paying costs associated with grad school, unpaid internships, overseas travel, spring break and graduation trips, etc. And the latest thread about how much and what kind of help should be given after college graduation. </p>

<p>Non-celebrity weddings can easily reach the cost of a year of college. From $15,000 (state school in some cheaper states) to over $100,000. Birdseed bags for showering the couple are no longer sufficient. Now, guest must receive a “memento” gift from the wedding like silver picture frames, etched and silver rimmed toasting glasses, etc. My niece got married a couple of years ago and the cost of a little over $20,000 was deemed to be “frugal and on the low side”! Another niece worked until she could afford her own $25,000 dream wedding ($15,000 via credit) which she is still struggling to pay after the marriage failed. Doing some research after that proved my relatives appear to be right. (Just the wedding, no pre-parties, honeymoons, etc). And apparently, one of my daughter’s favorite professors was told “You don’t have any input, just shush up and write the checks” after a particularly emotional crying jag by distraught daughter. </p>

<p>So, for those who have helped pay for a substantial chunk of college, what is your take on this? Of course, the standard answer for many would be I will give them $5000, $10,000, etc to just elope and that’s all but it rarely works out this way. So, after borrowing against/foregoing retirement accounts, using equity that may now have you in a house that has mortgage costs in excessive of market value, getting by with 12 year old cars and beanie weenies as your “gourmet” romantic date night, what is your policy on wedding costs going to be? Are you willing to continue eating beans and borrowing against your assests to fund this very important event in your family’s life? If not, what will you do?</p>

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<p>you’re getting married?</p>

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<p>Going on 30 years now with the same man, I certainly hope not!!! But hey, anything is possible.</p>

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<p>I am planning on paying for my daughter’s college education such that she will graduate without debt. As far as her wedding goes, her dad and I will sit down with her and tell her what we feel we can contribute. Believe me, it won’t be so extravagant that we have to second mortgage our house or sacrifice our lifestyle for an over the top weddding. I would definitely discourage anyone taking out a loan to pay for a wedding. Particularly because of the divorce statistics, just as you indicate, people end up paying for the wedding long after the divorce.
For those guests who attend and are offended by not receiving a “momento” gift, oh well. I guess I’ll save money by not inviting them to the other family events.</p>

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<p>No $15,000 weddings happening at our house. I’ve been to a number of weddings (dh’s grad students periodically get married). I think the only mementos we’ve gotten have been a photo with the thank you note and bubbles instead of rice. Fine by me. </p>

<p>I’ve been to lovely weddings with receptions in backyard tents. My brother’s wedding cake was made by my sister-in-law - it was lovely and delicious.</p>

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<p>when i have a wedding i want it to be small and cute =) receptions in backyard tents sounds REALLY awesome! unless i had a super-rich husband ;)</p>

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<p>Almost 33 yrs ago, I had my wedding 2 weeks after college graduation…my parents paid for both. The wedding was more their affair, mostly their friends. My advice to my daughter, give us a few years in between, and we will do our best.</p>

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<p>And all those wedding shows on cable don’t help either. Martini luges, cigar bars, custom beaded table linen, etc, etc. Conspicuous consumption at its finest.</p>

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<p>Clergy wife here, recommending: cut through every single conformity-based request to have an affordable wedding. Decide what’s important to you and draw a line in the sand. Consider separating into several parties that reflect different tastes. Second Cousin Matilda and her indifferent 3 children and dates they’ll insist upon can all be invited to a different family reception in honor of the couple within a year after the actual wedding. If the couple wants to have a great bash for their friends and must have a $10,000. band, tell them that’s different from what a wedding is about. Have their own
potluck band party with their friends where everyone throws in $l00 to hear exactly the band they crave. Parents: don’t confuse this wedding with your need to return invitations to your friends or work associates who barely know your kids and vice-versa. Entertain them some other way.</p>

<p>If you’re the parent of the bride, give the groom’s family the same number of invitations as your side, no more no less. If they are a “tribe” and you’re a close-knit cell, they’ll have to learn how to cut down their list. They will do it IF you say that with effort, and at the kids’ request, you are also paring your list down.</p>

<p>There. I think I just cut down everyone’s guest list so you can really focus upon the guests that will support the couple’s public commitment. </p>

<p>See if you can have a reception in your own home or house of worship social hall, if the local catering banquet halls are not helpful financially. The room might look plain as you stare at it empty, but when you fill it with all your loved ones and the beautiful, happy couple, nobody will notice the plain decor. All eyes will be on the couple.</p>

<p>If you engage a band, make an agreement with them about the volume. Every reception I’ve attended in the past 20 years has blasted so loud that only the dancers are happy, but every other guest cannot hear the person next to them…for hours. The band believes everyone is there to hear them, as if they’re in a bar. It is such a killer that I now keep earplugs in my purse.</p>

<p>You don’t need bridesmaids at all. They are a big nuisance and rarely help the bride, just ratchet up the expectations for gifts for themselves. They never like their dresses, and are generally a big nuisance as a group, IMHO.</p>

<p>A best man for the groom seems to be helpful, in my experience; priceless; they’re often the only one with their heads on straight that day to find the ring, fix the flat tire and so on. A beloved brother or best friend of the groom is worth gold, and usually doesn’t ask for any to help his buddy through.</p>

<p>Anything else? Just ask. I go to more of these each year than you can imagine. The couples and moms spend more time worrying about whether the napkins will match than whether or not they’ve considered, fully, if they know how to frame vows for a compatible future. </p>

<p>Before you begin planning a wedding, seek spiritual counsel or a wise person in your family who knows how to counsel, and sit the couple down. Do they know what they’re doing? Have they made important decisions about career future, money management, children, religion, geography? What are their expectations of married life (the #1 decomposer of marriages is this item).</p>

<p>If all that’s in order, plan a warm, small wedding focussed on the couple’s emotional experience. Surround them with loving people and feed them simply but well so they will interact and socialize for many hours together. That’s all you really need to have a wedding. Show off on another day.</p>

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<p>zixxa, Not too long ago a friend of my mother’s confided that when their son got married, the bride’s father had a little private conversation with the groom’s father about money. It really blind sided them. They are comfortable enough to politely comply, but it did strain that in law relationship a bit. BTW, the bride came from a family that was comfortable enough and then some, to afford the wedding without the groom’s contributions. I am sure the groom’s parents thought that they would be paying for one thing (ie: the band, or the flowers, or the photographer).</p>

<p>I know someone who got married in Vegas and only invited the parents (this excluded siblings etc.). I saw the pics. Other than the lack of family, friends, and bridal party it was a taditional ceremony. They celebrated at the Grand Canyon.</p>

<p>I know someone else who invited a huge crowd, but had the guts to serve fried chicken picnic style in a park (I believe the ceremony took place in the park as well) and they used their cash gifts to finance the groom’s grad school! This was a true budget wedding.</p>

<p>I know someone whose parents offered a wedding, or 25k toward the down payment on a home. They had a private little ceremony without a reception and took the money.</p>

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<p>

Sounds great! Our wedding involved potluck side dishes, 3 different homemade cakes, homemade dress, a tree planting, 3 kegs of Shiner Bock (which almost noone drank --we ended up using it to rinse our hair the next day), barbeque brisket, and a bluegrass band (friend of the groom’s father-no charge). The only other cost was a bag of blue cornmeal (to sprinkle in place of rose petals), the rental of a few tables, chairs and canopies (to keep the sun or rain off). We had a good time, the guests had a good time, and we ended up married. Yeah!!! I’m hoping that I have indoctrinated my kids into the idea of inexpensive weddings. ;)</p>

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<p>I have made it pretty clear that I will not fund a wedding. I would rather contribute to a downpayment on a house.
We have four daughters and I have seen and heard of the most extravegant, ridiculous weddings. It boggles my mind the amount of money spent on a day
( or in some cases , several days ) of trying to out-do the weddings of friends and relatives…so silly.
Almost competitive, really.
In the end, you are no more married than someone who elopes or goes to the mayor’s office or JOP.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for marriage, just not all of the waste and extreme extravagance that seems to go hand in hand with it in recent times.</p>

<p>I am not opposed to a backyard event, because I do love to entertain.</p>

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<p>Way to go anxiousmom! </p>

<p>I attended a wedding that took place in the couple’s new apartment, and the refreshment was hot tea! They did not have a band, photographer, and wore regular clothing. They also ended up married!</p>

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<p>To simply answer your question, we paid for all of her college education- minus scholarships she received (she will graduate May 18th) and we will be paying for her wedding (August 9th).</p>

<p>I think the answer to your question is up to each individual family - their person beliefs and what they can afford. This is our oldest D - she attends our StateU and is in the honors program. If she keeps it up one more semester, she will graduate a 4.0 gpa and with honors from both her department and the university. She has had a parttime job (which we did NOT ask her to get) the past two years, has held offices in campus organizations, completed 3 great internships, did a short study abroad and an alternative break experience, and has never caused us a moment of worry. Can you tell we are proud? All four years of her education at State U cost us less than ONE YEAR of her younger sister’s education at a private top 15 school. We have saved since they were born and are glad to do it. Again, this is our decision and won’t necessarily be the same as other parents on this forum.</p>

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<p>paying3tuitions, as far as weddings go, I’m the queen of “frugal”. We paid for our own wedding which was planned in 6 weeks. Designed our own wedding invitations, had wedding/reception at a historic park with meat platters from the grocery store, Moms’ traditional potato salad, friend who made a wonderful and beautifully decorated carrot wedding cake for $35, and jugs of wine. Fathers got to forego the tuxes and even the suits and opted for guyebbaras from Mexico instead, and Mom’s wore “themed” outfits (it was a historical park). Both I and my maid of honor sister made our own dresses. </p>

<p>I received so many compliments from the guests because they had such a fun time. Three and 1/2 hours after the ceremony, things started to break up and I was later told it was only because people thought we had run out of wine (we didn’t). My Dad dubbed it the “best wedding he ever went to” and stated he actually had a great time and he hates weddings. Our one splurge was to hire a couple of people to serve and clean up freeing up our family to visit. </p>

<p>For me, the best part is, both husband and I had a terrific time and really got to enjoy our guests. To me, that is what the wedding should do. </p>

<p>Fortunately, I’m still hopefully a few years away from having to fund a wedding and my considerate younger daughter just announced “when I get married I’m going to plan far enough in advance I can get my dress at David’s Bridal $99 Sale”. I was just asking this because several friends/family are going through this now or recently have.</p>

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<p>it is amazing that these days the bride’s family is still “expected” even by the bride!! to pay for a wedding…just seems to archaic</p>

<p>for my Ds, we will contribute, say the food, or the booze, I figure if they can’t pull most of the expenses together and be smart about they shouldn’t get married on my dime</p>

<p>ps my H and i (going on 21 years) paid for it all ourselves and it was great</p>

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<p>From the start, my D has been told that the high cost of her tuition will not be followed by wedding costs. She is also on her own if she decides on grad school.</p>

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<p>I thought it was archaic when my H and I got married. My folks would not take a dime from my inlaws. They always told me that they were glad that they didn’t accept their offer. My inlaws offered to pay for one thing (ie: the band, the photographer, or the flowers).</p>

<p>I guess parents of sons like this archaic tradition, LOL, and some parents of daughters expect the bill to be equally shared, or for at least some financial assistance! As edad says, other parents have put their children on notice.</p>

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<p>We told our girls that our priority is their education and we will not participate in paying for weddings. We will give them the most generous gift we can, but we aren’t fans of expensive weddings, so we hope they will use our gift for something else.</p>

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<p>Our situation is similar to that of MidWestParent. Our oldest D will get married this summer and we will be paying for the majority of the costs. We also paid for her undergrad and grad school, although, obviously this is not the way it is in all families. Like most issues, each family must decide what works best for them and for their financial situation. Similarly, everyone has their own personal ideas for what they want their wedding day to be like. </p>

<p>As for the costs that the groom’s family should bear? Times have changed, people. It’s not expected any longer that the bride’s family pays for everything! :slight_smile: Most weddings we’ve attended in the past five years have had the groom’s family share the costs, particularly if they have a larger family and, thus, have more people to invite. My D and her fiance will pay for some things, as they’re both working, but my H and I are in a better position financially to pay for most costs, and we’re happy to do so. I realize that not everyone is in the same financial situation, which is the case with my D’s future in-laws, who have not offered to pay for anything.</p>

<p>The wedding will be small, 80 guests, as that is the maximum allowed at the chosen venue where the ceremony and reception will take place. The fact that it is small was one of the reasons that my D loved it! We will not be paying back previous invitations or social debts with the guestlist. The guests will be family, close friends of the couple, and close friends of the families who know the bridal couple well.</p>