So I’m a high school senior and I’ll be going to college next year. I wanted to come on here because of something that seems kind of weird lately. A bunch of my friends have “deals” or “agreements” with their parents where they agree to not do drugs/drink alcohol during high school and their parents have agreed to pay them $1000-$3000 once they graduate HS. I first heard about this with one of my friends, and now it seems like 3 or 4 more have struck up similar deals with their parents. One of the parents is even a judge, which seems weird. Also most of these kids are either not the party/drug/drink type, or the type to not do these things regardless of any influence from parents. I, personally, think that this is kind of outrageous. I have talked to my parents about it and they think it’s just as weird, but it’s their close friends who are doing it with their kids so I don’t think they feel like they can really talk about it with other parents. Like isn’t it sending the wrong message to kids that drinking/ drugs is something that kids need to be paid not to do? Like it’s out of the question to just not drink without any incentives? Or it’s out of the question to try these things and be able to talk about it with your parents if you choose to? Idk my parents and I are pretty open so maybe I just wouldn’t understand. Has anyone else heard of things like this? Is this common and I am the only one who thinks it’s totally weird???
I don’t think that teaches them anything except possibly how to hide activity from the parents. In fact, it’s incentivizing them to do so. If they’re offered something at a party and decide to try it, they can’t talk to their parents about it because it will cost them a few thousand bucks. That’s not a position I’d want my kid to be in.
I find it weird but who knows, how they do things in their family. However, it’s obvious that they want to protect their kids any way it works. Those kids should value the intent and honor that and of course do it for their own sake as well.
I agree with you completely. You might want to read Alfie Kahn’s books on incentives, which can bring about short term results but long term, cause problems in terms of motivation.
Will the payments continue in college? How about during the 20’s?
I will be honest. Two out of three of my kids did drink a little in high school. And they talked about it with me. And I counseled them on how to be safe, legal issues, the difference between use and abuse, and so on.
I think paying them in high school would have prevented some really good conversations.
The real question is did it work? If it worked for that’s family then good foe them. IMO when it comes to parenting you can’t really judge other people methods. Each family and child is different. Different strokes for different folks.
I find myself in agreement with Mother of Dragons. Short of regular testing (hair samples?) there is no way to enforce this.
We do pay our kids for grades. To us, that is a reward for their hard work and commitment. It is also measurable. Most of the money they get for grades they end up spending on their college tuition, books, etc.
Some teens may find this a more acceptable excuse to their friends than, “I just don’t care to participate.” Perhaps it’s face-saving. That’s the only way it really makes sense to me.
Would it be better if they just declined? Sure. But I’m cutting teens some slack dealing with these issues. They are still learning.
Kudos to you, lilaba. It sounds like you have developed a good internal locus of control- no external rewards expected for doing what is right. Ditto on the no payment for grades as well. I suspect there will be those who try to cheat just because the challenge is there.
My son’s college has a parent group online and some of the parents have “contracts” with their kids, which include lots of “rules”. Offhand I remember parents’ mentioning their contracts covered grades, drugs/alcohol usage (how can they monitor that, though), tattoos and piercings and behavior when home on breaks (i.e. must participate in family social events, courtesy as to plans, etc). Their reasoning was that they were paying for college, so they had a say in all matters.
NO SINNING! Take the pledge!! Then focus on reducing it as well as hiding any violations of the pledge from the parents. Not the kind of deal my kids would ever have pretended to accept.
I don’t think this would work on mine - I have a kid who will evaluate the risk and the possibility of getting caught and sometimes decide the risk is worth it. It might work on some kids who are extremely money-focused (I know a few), but I think the vast majority of the kids who would get paid are kids who aren’t partaking in the first place (my youngest - the black-and-white rules guru).
I’ve never paid my kids for grades or abstaining from drinking or drugs. We had always talked pretty freely with them about risks and consequences associated with various behaviors. We have been pleased that we share most values and they have made good choices.