Peer Review for Extended Essay

<p>Hey everyone,</p>

<p>Could someone take a look at my extended essay and give me some feedback? Thanks a lot.</p>

<p>Essay Option 1. How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)
Inspired by Kelly Kennedy, a fourth-year in the College.</p>

<pre><code>The boy filled in the final blank on the social studies test on the American Revolution and placed his pencil back on the desk. He sighed. He had done it. Defied the odds. Beat the system. With a spring in his step, he grabbed his test and bounced to the teacher’s desk, placing it carefully in the “Hand It In” basket. And then…nothing happened. The sky did not fall. The devil did not rise from a crack in the floorboards. He felt no guilt, no remorse. He had done it.
The next day, the boy went back to his social studies class. The teacher was talking about the Industrial Revolution: cotton, the water frame, the Spinning Jenny. The boy scribbled some notes down in his notebook. He was good student, the boy was. Always did well in school; teachers said he had a natural talent for learning. Of course, yesterday, the boy had done something that “smart kids” don’t usually do. He had tried to rationalize it, naturally: he told himself that he would only use it if he really didn’t know the answer; he reasoned that most of the kids in the class would be doing the same thing. Deep down, he realized that none of those rationalizations really rang true, but he had to tell himself something. Suddenly, the teacher’s voice snapped him out of his daze. Yesterday’s test was being handed back, and the teacher was holding that single sheet of paper right in his face. He grabbed it and smiled. A perfect score. Naturally.
Immediately after the bell rang, the boy gathered his things and walked to the door. The teacher’s voice stopped him. She wanted to talk to him about something. The boy froze. It couldn’t be…or was it? Panicked thoughts ran through his head, but his exterior remained cool. He calmly walked to the teacher’s desk. The teacher beckoned him to sit. He obliged. She regarded him sternly for a moment, as if trying to size him up. The boy had never realized how narrow her eyes were. Barely breaking her stare, the teacher reached into one of her desk cabinets and pulled out a crumpled napkin with blue writing all over it. The boy could have sworn that his heart froze for a moment. He recognized that blue writing; it was his distinctive scrawl, and it was shaped into letters and words that described various facts about the American Revolution. He looked back up at the teacher. There were those eyes again, piercing him, willing him to confess his crime. She asked him if he recognized the handwriting. He lied. She bit her lip. She knew he was lying, but didn’t want to say it outright. She leaned back in her chair and asked the boy what he would if he was a teacher and he found this crumpled napkin cheat sheet in a desk. The boy mumbled something about sending the offending student to the principal’s office. Then the teacher leaned towards him, and asked the boy one last time: was this his cheat sheet? The boy weighed his options: should he confess and face the humiliation of a zero and endless reprimands from his parents? Or should he make one last, feeble attempt to lie his way out of this hole that he had dug for himself?
He chose the latter. He denied making a cheat sheet. He denied that the handwriting was his. He denied that his perfect score was anything but genuine. The teacher looked at him; those harsh, piercing eyes were gone, replaced by a look of sadness and disappointment. “Alright, Sam,” she told the boy, motioning for him to leave the classroom.
As the boy walked out of the room, feelings of shock and bewilderment surrounded him. He felt as if he had handed the system a decisive blow; he had cheated and successfully lied his way out of punishment, keeping his pristine perfect score intact. He couldn’t help but smirk; all those morality lessons his parents taught him were lies. He had cheated with no consequences.
The next day, the boy walked into class and took a seat. The class was having a circle discussion today. Now was the boy’s time to shine. He always did well in these. He had a natural way with words that never failed to impress his teacher. The class gathered, and started discussing. The teacher asked the class to describe the idea of a trade union. The boy raised his hand, offered an astute explanation, and readied himself for the teacher’s glowing praise and sparkling look of amazement. But it didn’t come. Instead, all she could offer was a passing acknowledgment. The boy’s face fell. Something was different. It was as if she didn’t regard him as highly anymore; she seemed disappointed, even.
And so it continued like this for the rest of the year. The boy never did regain that teacher’s respect. To her, he would always be that boy who cheated. It didn’t matter that he had only referenced that cheat sheet for one question, or that he had never cheated before. No, that single crumpled napkin had cost him a person’s trust, and he would never get that back. And it was this experience that made the boy realize: this was the consequence of cheating. All that goodwill, all that trust; it disappears, and people never look at you the same way again.
That boy was me, and I have never cheated again. More than any parental lecture, this experience taught me the value of honesty and integrity. Whenever even the slightest thought of cheating crosses my mind, I remember this moment. I remember the humiliation and shame that I felt, sitting in that 5th grade classroom, and knowing that my teacher would forever regard me as a cheater. That is a feeling that I truly never want to relive.
</code></pre>

<p>Bump. Just any general advice would be helpful.</p>

<p>Seems to come across as slightly arrogant. A little too much focus on how focused a student you are, and what an aberration you committed. I’d only use “How did you get caught” if you could put a unique or humorous spin on it - not just a straightforward story about cheating on a test, a topic, by the way, which may not go over too well.</p>

<p>Please don’t use “cheating on a test” as the topic for your extended essay to an academic institution.
Please don’t. EVER.
It’s for your own good. =D</p>

<p>^^^amen to that
plus I would advise posting your essay up so openly on a widely used forum, especially before RD decisions are released</p>

<p>I would advise against using this essay for two reasons:</p>

<p>1) it’s on the internet
2) it’s about cheating</p>

<p>I would probably write another one. If you want feedback for your 2nd essay I would suggest PMing it to people rather than posting it openly.</p>

<p>First (can’t resist): ‘…what he would DO if he WERE a teacher…’</p>

<p>Second, I definitely like your writing style - I didn’t catch any other mistakes and it flows nicely. However, as abdefg1234 (above) pointed out, it might be a little on the risky side, especially since you’ve just posted it on the internet for the world to see. </p>

<p>To give an example, the best piece of writing (this includes every book I’ve read) I’ve ever come across was a 2000-ish word (application) essay about someone leaving his dad on the kitchen floor while he was having a stroke, moving, having to take care of his dad and masturbating to relieve stress. I know that, if it were up to me, he’d be in in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t have even looked at his test scores and GPA. However, there is always the chance that there MIGHT be someone reading your essay who misunderstands the entire thing. When it comes to touchier things (for instance, cheating or masturbating), it’s probably best to avoid writing about them.</p>

<p>Also, though I can’t say how good other essays are going to be, I’d have to agree with Philosopher-King that you probably need to address the prompt more creatively. Quite a lot of people would’ve written something along the lines of what you’ve just written, and you probably want to strike the reader as unique (the good kind of unique). Your style and all seems fine, so I think you’ll have no problem writing another one (even if you end up submitting it just before the deadline, like the rest of us xD) - you just need to hope that something hits you.</p>

<p>Good luck =).</p>

<p>^^^*** someone wrote an essay about masturbating?</p>

<p>I do think it’s a good idea not to use this essay or any others that you have posted here.</p>

<p>“asked the boy what he would if he was a teacher and he found this crumpled napkin cheat sheet in a desk” - you’re missing the word “do.”</p>

<p>1st off, if you ignore all the other comments and still use this essay, I would DELETE the whole last paragraph. You insult our intelligence by outright stating “oh yeah, btw, this was me” - we already know. This essay is like a Stephenie Meyer book - a hell of a lot better without the ending [btw, I’m referencing The Host, not Twilight].</p>

<p>Other than that… well, it’s like writing about your parents for a “who is your hero” essay… unless it’s something UBER-cool / original, I would caution against it.</p>

<p>I actually quite liked the essay. I personally wouldn’t have chosen to write about cheating for this topic seeing as it’s a slightly obvious choice. But if you’re adament about the topic, I think that it’s well written. And I enjoyed reading it.
However, I, too, suggest taking out the last paragraph. It takes away from the rest of the essay.</p>