Peer Review for Optional Essay

Colleges & Universities University of Chicago
1

<p>Hey everyone,</p>

<p>I was wondering if someone could take a look at my optional “favorite things” essay for the Chicago supplement. Specifically, I need some feedback on the introduction and conclusion: are they really even necessary, or could I just launch right into describing my favorite things? Thanks a lot.</p>

<p>I am a very opinionated person. Those who know me well can attest to this fact. Not surprisingly, then, this optional essay had me nearly salivating in anticipation. However, if I were to address, in full, all of my favorite things, this essay would no doubt devolve into a multi-page slog, and I shall not put the reader through that. Instead, I will focus on my favorite musical artist, books, and film, just to keep things brief. </p>

<p>My favorite musical artist is the British alternative rock band Coldplay. If you are a musical elitist, then you are no doubt rolling your eyes at this point. After a few years of Coldplay fandom, I am intimately familiar with the criticisms of my favorite band: their melodies are too simple; their lyrics are wussy and overemotional. And frankly, at times, these criticisms are not without merit. However, there is something about their lead guitarist’s chiming chords and their lead singer’s soaring falsetto that makes this band simply irresistible. Coldplay is the only band whose entire discography can be found on my computer, and though I have not had the privilege of seeing them perform live, rest assured that this is something that I will accomplish by the end of my undergraduate studies. </p>

<p>My favorite books are the Harry Potter books. Though some might dismiss these works as mere children’s books, derivative and simplistic, the reality is that Harry Potter has been as much a part of my life as any other literary work. In many ways, I grew up with this series; the first book was released when I was in first grade, and every other year or so, I was treated to a new chapter in Harry’s ongoing saga. Some of my most poignant literary moments came from this series: I must admit that a tear did well up in my eye during Dumbledore’s funeral in Book Six, and I remember pumping my fist with joy after Voldemort’s defeat in Book Seven. Though these books may not be as thematically dense or intricately plotted as some other novels that I have read, the reality is that I can still return to them, even today, and zoom through chapter after chapter, just as enthralled as when I first read them. That, for me, is the sign of a truly great book. </p>

<p>My favorite film is The Lord of the Rings. For me, this epic saga is not as much a film as it is an experience. My younger brother and I have had countless Lord of the Rings marathons, and we can recite many bits of dialogue line for line. Quite simply, these films work on almost every level: the acting is spot-on, the score is rousing, and the special effects are some of the best that I have ever seen. I hesitate to label any film perfect, but The Lord of the Rings comes awfully close. </p>

<p>A part of me sorely wants to continue this list, to describe my love for Radiohead, 1984, Muse, Gladiator, and Schindler’s List, among other things. However, I realize that to do this could very well make this essay intolerably long. Thus, I shall leave my essay at its current length, hoping that it has been enough to give the University a taste of my cultural preferences.</p>

2

<p>This is kind of average-ish, and (as people have already said on your other essay) it’s probably not a good idea to use it now that you’ve posted it up for the world to see.</p>

<p>There are a few things I really dislike, namely the introduction and conclusion. Usually, when I read that, I start thinking to myself: ‘oh boy, here we go again…’. Talking about how or why you’re writing the essay is almost NEVER a good way to start one, and the conclusion is kinda meh-ish (i.e. it makes me half-cringe when I read it, though there’s nothing wrong with, per se).</p>

<p>Also, Coldplay, Harry Potter and LOTR are things that pretty much anyone could like or write about, and there’s nothing that you’ve said anywhere in there that strikes me as particularly deep (with the possible exception of what you said about Coldplay). This is just me, as always, but I kind of wonder if you put in Harry Potter and LOTR for the sake of putting something in or if you really do actually mean what you say (I was kind of expecting you to come across as extremely weird and almost obsessed). I’m not trying to tell you what you like or don’t like; this is just how it came across to me.</p>

<p>Finally, remember, when they say optional they really mean it. If there’s something you really know a lot about, or at least know than the average person, go ahead - if not, it might not be the best idea to force one out. Once again, I’m not insinuating anything; just a friendly reminder :P.</p>

<p>Good luck =).</p>

3

<p>Agree with the above comment wholeheartedly.</p>

4

<p>There’s a time and a place to break the fourth wall… and that wasn’t it. I feel … weird when you address the reader directly. I feel as if I haven’t learned much about who you are through this. Don’t tell me that you like HP (I LOVE HP personally, so don’t get me wrong) - tell my WHY you like HP. e.g. “Rowling builds up her characters in our hearts through the first six years, only to pitilessly cast them aside to the dark lord… bla bla… how unlike some, she is unafraid to show that even the best people die… bla bla… [optional comparison to some other books, e.g. Gone with the Wind]” Otherwise, it just reads as a “Hey, I like HP and LOTR.” and we’re left with the giant question: “Why?”</p>

5

<p>Okay, so in addition to what people have said above (about adressing the reader directly and the sort of cliche-ish opening/closing- it strikes of “I don’t know how to open more creatively so let me just talk about HOW I’m going to write this essay”<– not good)
The things you like are very… ordinary. While there is nothing wrong with that, because you’ve chosen such “well-known” things to be a fan of, you had better come up with a gosh darn deep reason for liking them. Be more personal, replace the general statements with actual anecdotes- maybe just describe how you felt the first time you heard a Coldplay song, or another specific experience like that, in detail. Same goes for you HP paragraph. </p>

<p>Best of luck~!</p>

6

<p>Intro: Kind of meh. Sorry.
Coldplay: I kind of liked it. I’d like a bit more of an analysis
HP and LOTR: You’ve told me your life with them. You haven’t told me what about these books makes them so special. I’d like an analysis on that.
Conclusion: Bit weak. Doesn’t conclude it effectively in my honest opinion.</p>