Penn State Personal Statement: Feedback?

<p>Hey guys, below is my first, rough draft of my personal statement for Penn State (University Park). If you could give me some honest feedback of pros/cons or what I could improve I would really appreciate it!</p>

<pre><code> As Americans, we are fortunate to live in a country where we are free to choose whatever we would like to do. Unfortunately, growing up I consistently made poor decisions regarding my health. I ate fast food multiple times a week and got little to no exercise. Consequently, I was unsatisfied with my appearance; looking into the mirror was provoking. Additionally, when I was required to exercise in activities such as gym class in school, I was frustrated with my incapability to perform as well as the other boys in the class. As I entered my freshman year of high school, I decided that it was time for a change.

Throughout my freshman year, I constantly challenged myself to step out of my comfort zone with regard to my dieting and exercise habits. I forced myself to become dedicated to my new diet and signed up for a fitness program that I took in the winter and spring. I began to exercise three to five times a week and as I continued my routine throughout the next year, I began to notice substantial changes; by halfway through my sophomore year I lost a total of twenty five pounds and I was in the best shape of my life. Many relatives and friends complimented me on my new figure, and I was thrilled that all of my determination and hard work paid off.

In some ways, I feel that my physical transformation is a microcosm for what life is all about. In order to achieve success or satisfaction, one must become dedicated to his desired task. It certainly is not easy, but ultimately the self satisfaction of achieving your goal will make your grueling journey worthwhile. At Penn State, I will be pushed to academic limits that I have never encountered, and I am going to need to maintain a focused, determined mindset that will allow me to achieve success, both scholarly (<--does this word work here?) and socially. I feel that after my experience at Penn State, I would become a well rounded adult ready to take on the world.