<p>The world around us is dominated by technology. Everything has its base in it, even business. One has to have something to sell in order to make money and this product to be sold is generally manufactured using machinery, and the raw materials used are obtained by various scientific processes. Humans have managed to manipulate science to make our life easier and more comfortable, and I want to be a part of that team that leads the world in the invention and discovery of various pieces of technology.
It is quite clear to me that the world can survive without money but not without science (well, why would people part with money to buy anything then?). I dont want to be a part of the business world where there are only two faces to everything: profit or loss. Instead, I want to embrace the beauty of science- the lack of boundaries and never-ending set of possibilities.
These ideas formed in my mind during a debate in grade eight: would the world survive without business?
And since I realized that it can and that science is the foundation of anything in the world (be it organic, in-organic or even a check book-it is printed!), I began to participate in science competitions, exhibitions and debates because I felt like a window had been opened in my brain with fresh ideas coming in through it allowing me to do well in these competitions.
According to me, the world needs more scientists and engineers, so as to move at a faster pace in certain fields like space exploration and green energy because the world might not be so comfortable to live in without an answer to how we can reduce/ prevent global warming and increasing sea water levels which would cause many land-bodies to get submerged and destroy the ecosystem. Well, if all goes downhill, we need a habitable planet to be there (space exploration) so as to save our race and knowledge. This appears very random, but at the current rate of destruction of the Earth due to pollution, deforestation and the use of nuclear technology, it might not take centuries for our planet to become inhabitable.
I acknowledge that all these problems are caused by technology, but I refuse to accept that science has nothing constructive to offer. Well, buildings and medical inventions support that statement. I will work towards achieving a solution to help our world, but for that, I require a good education and a community of intelligent friends to interact with.
Furthermore, I need the encouragement of the society I am part of to make me believe that my existence is valuable and my aspirations are achievable.
Considering the reviews of experts and the alumni of the university, I believe that your institution will suit me and me, it. I wish you would give me a chance to pursue my studies in your world renowned institution of higher learning.</p>
<p>I get what you’re getting at and it’s a good topic, but you could definitely organize your thoughts better and the essay as a whole. Not trying to be a dick, just being truthful, obviously this is important so it needs to be a polished gem. Is this the first draft? A lot of things are worded awkwardly. I could try and fix a few things if you’d like.
But your topic is really good, I like that, could just use some tweaks in the writing.</p>
<p>Edit: Also is this the personal statement about yourself or the “why do you want to go to this college” essay?</p>
<p>Drop the "well"s. They are too conversational for an essay like this. </p>
<p>This essay is also trying to cover too much ground. Concentrate on explaining why you want to go into pure science, explain the “fresh ideas” concept in more detail, then pick one or two problems you’d like to solve and why. You need to be a lot more concrete than “I want to work towards a solution to helping our world.” </p>
<p>Eliminate the broad, unsuppported generalizations about why business is bad or unnecessary, e.g, “It’s clear that the world can survive without money.” (That’s not at all clear.)</p>
<p>yes, thanks slimmeh. i would like that a lot.
this is my first essay, so its not very good.
i jus realised that qialah, thank you.</p>
<p>The opening paragraph would be more powerful if you provided a specific example. For example, maybe think of a specific product like a chair and trace all of the engineering needed to come up with the design and technology needed to carry out production. This is just a suggestion.</p>
<p>“It is quite clear to me that the world can survive without money but not without science (well, why would people part with money to buy anything then?).” I don’t completely follow your logic here, and you should always be careful with using parentheses, according to English teachers. The rest of the paragraph is pretty good, though.</p>
<p>Combine your third paragraph with your second because they have the same topic. Don’t start your sentence with “and”. “…anything in the world (be it organic, in-organic or even a check book-it is printed!), I began to participate in science competitions…” In that sentence, you can replace the parentheses with commas. Wow, this paragraph is all one sentence! You should probably break it up a little bit.</p>
<p>In your next paragraph, you could probably take out “According to me,” or replace it with another phrase. This sentence is getting realllly long and I’m not following, so find a way to break it up. “so as to move at a faster pace” could probably be better stated as “in order to move at a faster pace.” “reduce/ prevent” Don’t use a slash. Use “or” or something else instead. I don’t quite understand what you mean by “this appears very random.” “Random” is a tricky word, and I think you should use something more specific like “unlikely” or whatever you are trying to say.</p>
<p>“Buildings and medical inventions support that statement.” Again, it might be good to provide some specific examples, if you can.</p>
<p>“I believe that your institution will suit me and me, it.” The “me, it” part is not very well worded. Also, from this essay I don’t understand why any specific university would help you obtain your goals. If you took out specific details in order to hide the university’s identity, that is fine, but make sure you refer to some of the institution’s specific offerings.</p>
<p>Wow, that’s a very technical review. Sorry. Look at the others’ general advice first. Good luck!</p>
<p>no, that was brilliant. thanks for taking the time. i really appreciate it. i made some changes to it -</p>
<p>The world around us is dominated by technology. Everything has its base in it, even business. One has to have something to sell in order to make money and this product to be sold is generally manufactured using machinery, while the raw materials used are obtained by various scientific processes. Humans have managed to manipulate science to make our life easier and more comfortable, and I want to be a part of that team that leads the world in the invention and discovery of various pieces of technology.
It is quite clear to me that the world can survive without many things we find important like the fashion industry, the share market or even money, but not without science (why would people part with money to buy anything then?). I don’t want to be a part of the business world where there are only two faces to everything: profit or loss. Instead, I want to embrace the beauty of science- the lack of boundaries and never-ending set of possibilities.
These ideas formed in my mind during a debate in grade eight: would the world survive without scientific research?
It was pure logic to me: it cannot survive or will face a severe stagnation because everything would remain as it is. Imagine an apple that never fell. It seemed necessary to me, that there should be a lot of inventions taking place in the world and from that sense of necessity my interest in the subject arose. I began to participate in science competitions, exhibitions and debates because I felt like a window had been opened in my brain with fresh ideas coming in through it, allowing me to do well in these competitions.
The world needs more scientists and engineers, especially to move at a faster pace in certain fields like space exploration and green energy because the world might not be so comfortable to live in without an answer to how we can reduce or prevent global warming and increasing sea water levels which would cause many land-bodies to get submerged and destroy the ecosystem. But, if all goes downhill, we need a habitable planet to be there (space exploration) so as to save our race and knowledge. This appears very unlikely, but at the current rate of destruction of the Earth due to pollution, deforestation and the use of nuclear technology, it might not take centuries for our planet to become a barren wasteland incapable of supporting life.
I acknowledge that all these problems are caused by technology, but I refuse to accept that science has nothing constructive to offer. An example that supports this is: invention of medical instruments is the reason for higher average life spans today.
A particular field that interests me is mechanics and I have done some extensive research to grasp its concepts. To give an example of my understanding: I designed a small machine that separates metals from non-metals and a water purification system which uses no electricity to function (manual or solar powered). I want to study mechanical engineering to gain a better understanding about the field and build systems that might hopefully change the world from the destructive passage irresponsible engineers have guided it to by making weapons (inventions) that fill their coffers, instead of inventions that help the environment and the human community at the same time. In other words, I wish to combine my interest and my beliefs.
However, I need the guidance of a set of world renowned professors like Danny Tsang and Oscar Au as well as a friendly community like Hong Kong which is accepting of all cultures to give me the confidence that my aspirations are achievable.<br>
Considering the reviews of experts and the alumni of the university, I believe that your institution will be the best place for me study. I wish you would give me a chance to pursue my studies in your world renowned institution of higher learning.</p>
<p>what do u guys think?</p>
<p>Mostly worse than the first try. You don’t need three long paragraphs to prove that the world need science. Start from “A particular field that interests me…” and work from there.</p>
<p>The world around us is dominated by technology. Everything has its base in it, even business. One has to have something to sell in order to make money and this product to be sold is generally manufactured using machinery, and the raw materials used are obtained by various scientific processes. Humans have managed to manipulate science to make our life easier and more comfortable, and I want to be a part of that team that leads the world in the invention and discovery of various pieces of technology.</p>
<p>-> this sounds like a factual essay bro. You started with a verbose paragraph that tells us nothing bout you except you want to be a scientist</p>
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<p>It is quite clear to me that the world can survive without money but not without science (well, why would people part with money to buy anything then?)</p>
<p>-> clear to you, but it’s not quite clear to me. : /</p>
<hr>
<p>Hmm, what PS is this anyway? Sounds like you flipped through the Discovery Magazine and just added a few sentences that says : I think…I will…I want…It is clear to me…I need…I this…I that…</p>
<ul>
<li>Oh sorry didnt read the latest post* Sounds like your doing your PS for HKU / HKUST …hmmm well honestly, my opinion still stands. </li>
</ul>
<p>It’s a factual essay that is verbose, dull and dry just that you added yourself into the frame. As a reader, after your first paragraph, I am not keen to delve further down the wall of text. You need to get exciting, set a spark.</p>
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<p>Here is a sample from my best friend who got accepted fast-track. ( Please don’t plagiarize, they will know )</p>
<hr>
<p>Words change the world, and it is about to change my life.</p>
<p>HKU represents my hopes and dreams, a place where I can set a solid foundation for my undergraduate studies. It fulfills most of the characteristics of my dream university which strikes a balance between performance, prestige, and atmosphere. However, people tend to overlook education in Asia which ultimately leads to the flow of intellect to the west. Undoubtedly, Asia has unwavering potential to grow in the education department and I personally believe that an Asian education can be as good if not better than a western one. This is proven by HKU’s status as a powerhouse of tertiary education not only in Asia but worldwide. </p>
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<p>That was how he opened his essay. He applied mech engineering and got in. I won’t show you the rest, but I hope you can bounce ideas of his. : ) </p>
<p>Good luck and all the best !</p>