<p>Hi, as I struggle to rewrite my personal statement (I got permission): can someone please check it?
Briefly discuss an activity or organization that you have participated in or are currently participating in outside of your own cultural group.
I am a Muslim in the city of Dearborn, Michigan, a suburb just outside of Detroit. While most of the population in Dearborn is Arabs, stepping outside our cultural group might be tough for people. About ten minutes from Dearborn is Detroit and similar to Dearborn, most of the population in Detroit is Black people. Another similarity that goes within these two cities is prejudice. Some people think Dearborn is full of terrorists and Detroit is just filled with danger, they are absolutely wrong.
Depression and suicide have been my topics of interest and when I found an organization called To Write Love on Her Arms, I knew I wanted to put together a benefit. The first thing I needed was a group to help me put this together; I reached out to Angela that works at New Detroit Coalition. Luckily, we were able to put together a group of well rounded students of different races. Our group name is Metro Detroit Community Outreach because this group is compromised of a couple students from Dearborn and Detroit.
I am proud to say that we are one great team. We set away our different races and backgrounds and work together. We all have something to say and share, so no one is ever left behind. Each one of us is assigned different tasks and the results are excellent. Bryonna, a junior at Renaissance High School in Detroit, applied for many grants and found organizations to sponsor us. When she told me, I was really happy–Not because we are able to get so much money, but because she is putting so much effort. We are still in the process of putting this together for March 2011 and we are working as hard as we can.
We hold our meetings at a local mall and honestly, I do not care who looks because what we show is that everyone can work together no matter who they are, what they are, or where they come from. We laugh together at our meetings which is beauty of happiness. I love my team, especially because we are diverse and able to work together. We are all puzzle pieces with different shapes and areas where we belong, but the meaning of a puzzle is for it to come togetherthat is exactly what we all have to do, come together as one.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but I really think you should pick a different topic. A lot of people can be offended by your word usage. You make it seem like Michigan IS racist- it is not. Yes, there are differences among us, but you can state that differently. Also, this PS really isn’t about you- you made it about the group of people you work with. I like the closing statements, but again, it’s not really describing you. A PS is a chance for you to sell yourself, to make your attributes shine, something which you failed to do here. Please take my advice with a grain of salt, don’t be offended, I’m just trying to help!</p>
<p>I love your help, and yeah I looked it over and so did my friend, SAME RESULTS…and I was not trying to be racist, I was trying to show that even if we are different, we can come as one…I wrote another one (the one I orginally submitted) it was actually more me, of what I go through, meeting new people, and we can’t judge people! so i shall not submit this!! I actually wrote it in a night (hour) do you want me to show you the other one, maybe fix that? I really dont know what to do! I really want to go there.</p>
<p>Sure, you can send it to me in a PM or post it here. :)</p>
<p>i will PM you ! I think I need major editing! it will mean so much if you can help!!</p>