personal statement

College Essays
1

<p>uc prompt 1</p>

<pre><code>“Hi, I’m Kevin.” “Hello, you’re one of the triplets right?” Or “ hey, I’m Kevin,” and almost always like a robotic program my mother follows with “he’s a triplet.” Then next comes the awe of what the life of a triplet would be like. It’s hard to answer this question considering I don’t have a double life in which I am an only child to compare it to. If I could sum my triplet experience into one phrase, it would undoubtedly be “inconceivably competitive.”

I have a brother, Kyle, and a sister, Marion. As far as I can recollect it has always been “I’m better at…”, “I’m smarter than…”, “I’m cooler than,” etc, etc. In other words my life so far has been a competitive race that is finally nearing the end. Every race has its pivotal moments and mine is no different. Nearing the end of every summer a pit would begin to grow in my stomach. Then the day would come, and I would frantically open the letter to gorge my eyes upon the STAR test results. Next, my siblings and I would compare scores to see who did the best/worst. Triumph for the winner; anguish for the loser. Everything that could be turned into a competition was. Although frustrating it can be, I would never trade these experiences. It has showed me that being number one is never easy. I have to pursue relentlessly, and fight everything with the same fire no matter the task. Of course not everything can be won, but from “losing” I learned not to dwell in the past because it has passed. Instead I look to the future while applying what I learn so I know I wont make the same mistake. I plan to bring the same attitude towards my college education and future career.
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2

<p>here is a revised version, keep in mind this not done im either going to add the conclusion after this paragraph which will talk about how this lead into my dreams and aspirations or turn that into another body paragraph. tell me which version you guys like better.</p>

<pre><code>“Hi, I’m Kevin.” “Hello, you’re one of the triplets right?” Or “ hey, I’m Kevin,” and almost always like a robotic program my mother follows with “he’s a triplet.” Then next comes the awe of what the life of a triplet would be like. I can’t give much insight into this considering I don’t have a double life in which I am an only child. But if I could sum my triplet experience into one phrase, it would undoubtedly be “inconceivably competitive.”

I have a brother, Kyle, and a sister, Marion. As far as I can recollect it has always been “I’m better at…”, “I’m smarter than…”, “I’m cooler than,” etc, etc. In other words my life so far has been a competitive race that is finally nearing the end, and by finishing I am stepping out of little league and entering the majors. Every race is packed with obstacles and mine is no different. Nearing the end of every summer a pit would begin to grow in my stomach. Then the day would come, and I would frantically open the letter to gorge my eyes upon the STAR test results. Next, my siblings and I would compare scores to see who did the best/worst. Triumph for the winner; anguish for the loser. Why would I emphasize something so meaningless? To express the fact that anything is game and nothing is left to the sidelines in the world of a triplet. Although frustrating it can be, I would never trade these experiences. It has showed me that being number one is never easy. I have to pursue relentlessly, and fight everything with the same fire no matter the task. Of course not everything can be won, but from “losing” I learned not to dwell in the past but to learn from the experience.I look to the future applying what I have learned so hopefully won’t mimic the same mistake.
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3

<p>cmon ppls…</p>

4

<p>ok 51 ppl have read it, but no one has anything to say about it. can i at least have a good or bad or terrible…</p>

5

<p>“Hi, I’m Kevin.” “Hello, you’re one of the triplets right?” Or “ hey, I’m Kevin,” and almost always like a robotic program my mother follows with “he’s a triplet.” </p>

<p>Between “Hi, I’m Kevin.” and “Hello, you’re one of the triplets right?” I would specify that someone you are just meeting is saying the hello, you’re on of the triplets part. That slip up caused me to think you were saying both things.</p>

<p>The beginning was interesting, but I started to lose interest towards the middle. I wanted to see a bit more of your personality. Obviously you are very competitive, but I wanted to learn more and it was constantly about more of your competition with your siblings rather than exclusively you. </p>

<p>I hope my pointers helped. Other than that, it was a very strong introduction.</p>

6

<p>ok this is my 3rd revision, i spend less time talking about the competitiveness, and i plan to go into my personality as this ends. i’ll see what i can do with the first sentence</p>

<p>"Hi,I’m Kevin.“Hello. You are one of the triplets, right?” Or “Hey, I’m Kevin,” and almost always, like clockwork, my mother follows with “he’s a triplet.” Then next comes the awe of what the life of a triplet must be like. I can’t speak as to other people’s expectations, but i can sum my triplet experience up into one phrase, “inconceiveably competitive.”</p>

<pre><code> I have a brother, Kyle, and a sister, Marion. As far as I can recollect it has always been “I’m better at…”, “I’m smarter than…”, “I’m cooler than,” etc, etc. Competition existed everywhere, From who had the best test scores or most friends, to who could run further laugh louder or even eat more food at sone sitting. Competition was a way of life, a fourth sibling in the mix. Lookng back at it all now I will admit that it was not always healthy competition, but I would not trade these experiences for anything.
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7

<p>This new one was better. I liked it. It didn’t have irrelevant details and was to the point. I love how you compared competition to having another sibling. Very nice touch.</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>Beautiful sentence. Very good essay.</p>

9

<p>i thought it was nice. but im having trouble of where to go from here… can you guys shed some light?</p>

10

<p>Um…i thought that was all of it? The conclusion to the revised essay gave me the impression that you were done with this essay, that there wouldn’t be any more continuation.</p>

11

<p>i might just revise the last few sentences of the 2nd revision and tie that into a conclusion.</p>

12

<p>You should make yourself shine in the UC personal statement, so i suggest talking about a special time you beat them at something, how/why it made you proud, and how you will continue being competitive in college with other students to excel in your classes</p>

13

<p>ok here is the final version.</p>

<pre><code>“Hi,I’m Kevin.” “Hello. You are one of the triplets, right?" Or “Hey, I’m Kevin,” and almost always, like clockwork, my mother follows with “he’s a triplet.” Then next comes the awe of what the life of a triplet must be like. I can’t speak as to other people’s expectations, but I can sum up my triplet experience into one phrase, “inconceivably competitive.”
</code></pre>

<p>*
I have a brother, Kyle, and a sister, Marion. As far as I can recollect it has always been “I’m better at…”, “I’m smarter than…”, “I’m cooler than,” etc, etc. Competition existed everywhere, from who had the best test scores or most friends, to who could run further, laugh louder or even eat more food at one sitting. Competition was a way of life, a fourth sibling in the mix. Looking back at it now I will admit that it was not all healthy competition, but I would not trade these experiences for anything.</p>

<pre><code> I am not an athlete so I never experienced the dynamics of a “team.” But in reality I did by being part of “Team Triplet.” I cheered for my brother and sister when they were successful, encouraged them when they struggled and sympathized with them when they were down. But when it came to family dynamics, competition was keen. I wanted to beat my brother and sister. I wanted to be the star of “Team Triplet,” no matter how it made them feel afterwards. We all took this to the extreme, to the point where literally everything turned into a competition. It seemed that nothing could be enjoyed just for its simplest pleasure.

Lately I have learned that winning isn’t everything. How you win is just as important as how you lose and there can be grace in defeat. “Team Triplet” has inspired me and given me the burning desire to win, but has also tempered that drive with humanity. I intend to channel that competitive drive into my field of study, engineering. It affords me the opportunity to do something meaningful while engaging my innovative mind.

It seems as if my entire life has been a competitive race and that the first leg is ending. Now comes the final heat, the big leagues, and I intend to embrace this new challenge with ferocity, but also with heart.
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14

<p>“Lately I have learned that winning isn’t everything.”</p>

<p>I think you should elaborate and use specific examples on that; the change from being competitive to suddenly not caring is a little abrupt. You have used examples on your competitiveness, but not on the above statement.</p>

15

<p>i thought that to, but than i thought that this was enough justification.
i dont say that i dont care anymore, i just say that i cant win everything so i might as well be graceful about it.
Lately I have learned that winning isn’t everything. How you win is just as important as how you lose and there can be grace in defeat. “Team Triplet” has inspired me and given me the burning desire to win, but has also tempered that drive with humanity.</p>

16

<p>I think it’s very well written. I have a couple of stylistic quibbles: “like clockwork” isn’t “almost always.” It would have more punch if you take the first two words out. Then there’s something awkward about the use of “awe” in the next sentence. I’m not even sure you need the next two sentences.</p>

<p>It feels like where you were going in the first part had to do with competition being a way to assert yourself as an individual versus being part of “Team Triplet” and learning that you don’t have to win to be unique. That’s not where you went, though and I have to agree with Lemonesque. I see no evidence you’ve tempered your competitive drive with “humanity.”</p>

17

<p>ya i see where your going, ill see what i can do.</p>