These two really need to be emphasized.
Your children need you and they need you to be alive and healthy. The path you’re on isn’t helpful for that goal.
It’s sometimes hard for a person to realize just how high their stress bar is. They see “need to” and “I can” (and “he can’t”) and find some honor in it. Or at least, it staves off the guilt of saying No Mas, feeling like you dropped your load, missed an opportunity, or failed to save someone else.
Been there. There’s a rush from juggling. My gen thought we could be superwomen. Maybe. But not when disappointments poke through the narrative, the partnering is a little off, there’s not much progress, no time for dreams, and now the physical symptoms.
Finishing your work early to walk 15 min for kid 1, 40 min for kid 2, then back to the apt to mentor them, ordering takeout or heating a frozen pizza, etc, could probably be rethought.
Not to mention the stress the poor kid suffers. He’s been in 4 different schools by the age of 7 and now has a 3 hour daily commute?? That’s a level of instability not often seen.
I agree it is really hard for people to look at their own situation and see the high level of stress in it. It is easy for us to look at others and say, “You should do this or that,” but when it comes to our own situation, it is really hard to change! At least it’s definitely been that way for me. Sometimes it takes a dramatic event to change the trajectory of your life.
However, if you have a chance to sit back and contemplate…how could you slow down your life before it does you serious damage? What are the non-negotiables here, that both you and your husband are onboard with?
For example, is it critical to him to continue to work where he is right now? Is that a non-negotiable for him? How about the apartment you’re living in, is that essential to live there? Could you consider a situation where you’re moving to a lower cost of living area, where life is slower and easier, less time commuting for everyone, lower taxes. Is there an area like that where you have friends or family, that you’ve always enjoyed, that you could see yourself living in a house on a culdesac in the suburbs? Your husband sounds very athletic, would he enjoy living somewhere that he could go hiking/biking/long distance runs, like somewhere in Colorado or the PNW? Even suburban NY would be far cheaper than NYC.
We did a major move about 16 years ago, from Memphis to Seattle (where I’m from). We’d always been involuntarily moved or had to move to where our work was (military and airlines), and this was actually the first move of our choice, ever. It was just a distant thought in my brain…how could we ever move our kids? But I was not happy, and our oldest son was not in a good school situation. One day somebody asked me what I did in Memphis, and without thinking, I said, “Just waiting to die”. Telling that to my husband, having him visit Seattle and seeing all the water, mountains and great schools was enough to convince him to leave. Haven’t regretted it since.
I agree that it’s difficult to see the stress, especially when it’s laid on our shoulders a few bricks at a time, and it appears we are managing it well, like superwomen.
We are coming off some stressful years. Job loss, new job, money stress, MIL died, my brother nearly died, one kid struggling emotionally…meanwhile Life continues to throw things at you and the lawn still needs mowing, dishes need washing, and laundry needs cleaning.
We got thru the worst of it, but there was a price to pay. H & I both feel less resilient, like we desperately need a break from Bad Things happening. I have gone thru bouts of wanting to run away from it all, and that is certainly a reactive response to the last ten years.
Talking to my therapist about what we’ve been thru has been so helpful. It’s unfortunate I didn’t have her when I was in the thick of things.
All of that to say, a good therapist can point out things we don’t see. Forest for the trees kind of thing.
@Midwest67, we’re in the same boat after the last 7 years! No more Bad Things, please!! I feel like running away sometimes, too. I need to find a new therapist. My last one was a nice young lady, but I felt like she didn’t have enough life experience to be very helpful.
OP: I am so sorry you are going through this.
On an earlier thread I posted that homeschooling doesn’t mean you have to do it one-on-one with your child. He seems to be self-directed and able to entertain himself. If you found a kind and competent sitter to stay with him during the day, maybe a local grad student, would he be entertained with his reading and arts and crafts? In the evenings or on weekends, you or your husband could give him some math problems. For that matter, get him a workbook with an answer key at the back and assign him a group of problems daily and let him check his own work. That is what I did with my own quirky boys at that age. (Saxon Math) Why not try that for a year and let everyone relax and decompress? You can put the social skills on the back burner for a while and see how much he matures in that time .Does he really need to be in school at this age? Does he even want to be in school? If he would be happier on his own at home, and you and the rest of the family would be more relaxed not having to deal with difficult school situations, I’d pull him out tomorrow. jmho
At that age, my boys could never have excercised enough self-control to behave long enough to do that commute, even though they were voracious readers. They sure couldn’t have behaved the rest of the day if they made it to school without issues. They were sweet and trying their best to conform to the social norms of the world, but that was way beyond what was possible for them at that age.
There’s a reason why those novels about a suburban mom getting fed up and running away are so popular! 
But seriously, mid-life is tricky and full of sand traps. Sometimes we look back and judge, get filled with regret…sometimes we look ahead…and get really scared or depressed. I don’t think I could have anticipated wrestling with these confusing feelings at my age now, back when I was busy being Super Working Mom CEO of the Family.
I think it’s important to remember that OP has agency in this situation. We can distinguish between bad things happening (like someone someone dying, which we can’t control) versus just bad results from our own choices. The latter are within our control to change and hopefully improve.
I used to have a daydream about taking the van and the dog and seeing how far I could get. Lol, the van went kaput. Luckily, before I did.
The right counselor is a blessing. Not those who look at you, don’t get it, and recommend things that are pop psych ish. They don’t change us, just let us figure out who are and need to be. And more, yeah.
We can’t be heroes all the time.
Update! I quit my job! My last day is the day before Thanksgiving. I am going to start a new job doing science writing, working from home or a cafe (I’ll have a desk but the role is 100% flexible), with occasional travel for scientific meetings (once ever two months or so for a 2-3 days). The crazy part is that the salary of the new job is actually higher (significantly higher) because I’m using my PhD (which I am currently not, I have a run of the mill office job albeit in a science museum). So we will be able to afford more help and, joy of joys, SN summer camp for S1 as well as summer camp for S2. My new boss is a working mom and champion of working moms (hence the 100% schedule flexibility). Obviously the work I will be doing will be more intellectually challenging but I think for me - this is a win. It’s a risk but I need to shake things up. And having 100% flexibility is a magical unicorn that I’m grabbing by the, uh, horn.
I’m still feeling the stress and my labs all came back with everything in normal ranges (including an echo). My GP thinks I need to workout 3-4x week and so that is my goal. I need to just figure out how to engineer that into my daily routine which with the new job should be doable. I just have to figure out which gym or program to join. YMCA, fancy gym, yoga studio, etc. I should do the whole try them each for a week thing right? Family membership or individual? Does the new job have wellness discounts? I’ll be working for one of NYC’s top hospitals, I’m sure I’ll learn more when I do HR onboarding.
All and all this feels like a step in the right direction.
Congrats.
Now don’t overanalyze your exercise options! Just start a purposeful daily walk. Weighing and reweighing decisions its own burden.
Your new employer might have fitness facilities on campus.
Otherwise, DON’T overthink the exercise thing! - there you are, overthinking again! 
Start simple, but consistently. Two 30 minute walks a week + 1 neighborhood yoga class. Or jog/walk for 2 miles twice a week and one family bike ride in Prospect Park (or whatever is near you!). Or close your bedroom door and do three YouTube exercise videos a week for 20-30 minutes each - no interruptions allowed! Or…any combination of the above that you mix up to be CONSISTENT.
Congrats on the new job. Sounds pretty sweet.
Congratulations on the new job!!!
Try FitnessBlender . com.
It’s free and you can choose something you like at any time for any amount of time you have available.
I just know if I had to make a special trip somewhere to workout, it could make it harder to get done and add to my stress.
Congrats on the new job and for making changes for the better! I hope it provides both greater intellectual stimulation, which will make you feel more fulfilled, as well as the flexibility to manage the many balls you have in the air on the home front leading to better health and less stress.
Now, don’t use it as an excuse to let your husband off the hook in getting more engaged and involved.
I actually walk 1hr/day (my commute) minimum, most days it is closer to 1:45 including a kid-pick-up. New York City and no car. However my GP wants me to get my heart rate up to 80% max for 30 mins ideally every day but at least every other day. That’s what’ I’m trying to figure out. I’m of a shape that is slim and strong from the hips down but I have a jelly belly and a G or H cup. Apple shape, I think they call it. Anyway, lots of bouncing when I run. Yoga? Or does anyone have a bra recommendation?
Good for you!! That sounds very exciting and the option to work from home will help with the stress a lot I’m sure. It really helped me when I was raising my two special needs children. Be prepared for a possible increase in your stress levels as you begin your new job, but that should even out after a while.
I’m wondering about why your GP thinks you need to add workouts to your routine - don’t you already walk for about an hour a day? That seems like enough to me, especially for a Mom of two active boys.
One problem I can see coming from a mile away is your occasional travel (I had to travel frequently for work when my kids were young). From what you’ve told us, you feel like you’re the only one who can really deal with your children, and that your husband seems to not want to take on that responsibility even when you are home and nearby. What’s going to happen when you aren’t readily available to come rescue him? My advice is to start training him now to take on more responsibility so he and the boys will be ready for it when the time comes. They need to spend more time together, so it won’t be such a shock to their systems when you leave for 2-3 days. If you are going to need to hire someone to help care for the boys when you’re away - try to find someone ASAP, so they can get to know each other beforehand. And DON’T feel guilty when you travel. Your husband will rise to the challenge - he’s a doctor and perfectly capable of caring for your sons for three days.
You didn’t mention whether you talked to your GP about the possibility of beta blockers for your heart symptoms and your stress. They block the release of adrenaline, so I think they would be helpful and calming for you. Try a small dose and see what you think.
Congrats on the new job! Hop into the Diet and Exercise thread! We have bra experts there. My recommendation: in addition to a new bra, get yourself some comfy and nice exercise clothes. And shoes! For bras, Lulu TaTa Tamer works great for larger chested women. I am also a big fan of bras by Anita and Shock Absorber.
If you walk almost two hours a day, just walk briskly when you’re on the legs without the boys. Good grief, that’s enough exercise.
Congrats!