Physical manifestations of chronic stress

Parent Cafe
61

Being the Primary Parent is taxing. It’s not as if you can “clock out”. If you are a working PP, even more taxing. If you have a child going thru difficulties, even more taxing.

One reason I’m so glad to have the kids out of the house is I’m getting a chance to be me again. More of my time is mine. My brain is not full of keeping tabs on teenagers. My nerves are beginning to heal.

When I was in the thick of it, I don’t think I realized how burnt out I was, and how much less resilient I felt.

OP, take care of yourself!

62

I agree with @doschicos about the training regimen. What a great idea! Good luck, @Aspieration.

63

Is the private school really necessary? U nless your job is personally fulfilling, I’d ditch it so you can relax and care for yourself some hours in the day. Could you possibly work part time for the private school in exchange for tuition ?

You seem to have accepted that u r raising your children as a single parent, and husband is an adjunct for small amounts of time. This was the pattern when I was a child. None of the mothers worked more than part time, so they weren’t drained by the time the children were out of school.

64

One question that I don’t think was asked here… do you and your husband go on dates? Every couple needs a “couple time” to not lose completely that something (pre-kids) that brought them together. You will probably think that’s a huge time commitment that will cut into your already limited “me” time. What we found back then when we were parenting young kids was that “dating” helped us bond and become better parents. It does not have to be elaborate. Just a walk in the park and a casual dinner or a movie. But no kids, no talk about chores, etc.

65

Well S1’s school has called and asked for a parent meeting with the teachers and principal. In the past this has ben the first step to counseling out. H says I’m overreacting and it’s just a parent-teacher conference (he booked the meeting). But I after being asked to leave thee different schools in four years I have PTSD.

I immediately start thinking - what next? where does he go? do we send him to a program that is not academic? do we move to a part of the country where we can live on H’s salary so I can homeschool? what about S2? at what point do I as their mother say I cannot sacrifice S2’s trajectory for S1?

S2 is in a fantastic school for gifted children where he is thriving: academically, socially. And he has to deal with so much drama at home from his brother, it is very important to me that school is a place where he can really thrive. It took a lot of work for him to earn the spot (testing, interviewing) and he earned it. He just started the program this year and I’m want to protect him from S1 drama (including having to move-to-homeschool).

Sorry for the rant… my mind just starts spinning when my S1 trouble detector activates.

66

I understand why you’d have PTSD, especially when they are bringing in the principal, and your prior experience. Maybe you can talk to the teacher ahead of time to allay your worries, or confirm them…at least you would know what to expect.

If you homeschool S1, must you also homeschool S2? If your salary goes down, is there a possibility for tuition assistance? Our kids private school allowed really good scholarships, sometimes for people who were fairly high income.

67

You sound like an amazing mother. Where I live, public schools tend to have the best resources for any child not perfectly mainstream - is that not the case where you live? One of the perks of public schools, besides no tuition, is that they can’t turn you away easily and that could provide some stability.

68

I am an advocate of homeschooling and have homeschooled for over ten years. But if you decide now or in the future that you want to homeschool, you have to have the whole family on board and know what you are getting into. You don’t want to create problems between you and your spouse or get yourself into a bad financial situation. That could make your stress level worse.

I have sacrificed finances and my own career to homeschool, but I did so willingly with my H’s support and the moral support of friends and family. We had savings and were used to a frugal lifestyle already. Otherwise, it would have been much harder.

And still I made the choice to put my kid with the most needs into public school for several years. It was in her best interest at the time, but her siblings also needed a break.

I would not go into homeschooling from a starting point of chronic stress unless your heart was so set on it and you thought it would reduce stress because school issues were making you sick, but that doesn’t seem to be the case exactly.

If I could be blunt, I think you should explore leaving your job or reducing your hours for your health first. Another person mentioned that and I think it’s a good idea. Raising a child with special needs and working pulls you too hard in too many directions to ever feel good. You will get through life but I can’t believe it’s best for you.

You do need something to feel good. That might be a job at reduced hours or some other hobby or way to restore yourself and recharge your batteries, including dates with your H. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, but it should be something that fills your bucket and doesn’t empty it.

At least think about your options for the sake of your health and family life.

After you get that sorted out, you can think about homeschooling but by then perhaps a good school option will come through.

69

@Aspieration

Get thee to a good compassionate skillled therapist! Your Post #64 illustrates how much is falling on your shoulders as the Primary Parent.

That doesn’t mean the other parent doesn’t help or participate, but being the PP most often means you are the main problem-solver, in the driver’s seat, loads of mental energy going into the workings of the kids’ lives — health, schooling, everything.

If you doubt how big of a job being PP is, imagine flipping roles with your H, and how much weight would be lifted.

Good luck with the conference!

70

From the 1st post: “I think of myself as a tough cookie and life doesn’t feel as stressful as periods in the past”

That can be the first issue. That your engine runs at such a high level of ordinary/day to day stress that you don’t even realize how high, how constant, how it adds up, until something breaks. You’ve set a high bar for yourself. If most of us manage, say, ten things in a day, you’re at 30.

And even then, the tendency is to minimize. “Oh, but that wasn’t as bad as xxx,” or “I’ve held through worse.” That doesn’t acknowlege limits. Sometimes, the rationalization leads to forward stress: “If I don’t yyy, worse will come of it.”

This “always on top of everything” thing is exhausting.

Your husband seems to cope. You have that right, too. But I’d point out that getting “whole hog” into something isn’t balance, either.

In addition to great counseling (someone who supports parents of Aspies?,) and activities just for you, very “self” centered, you find some way to get help with the boys. A couple of hours, while you go to therapy or yoga, mindfulness, dance class, exercise, a museum, whatever just for the person you are. Something indulgent, not just another task, “regimen,” getting job homework done, etc. That’s ok.

Best wishes.

71

I had a child with problems so I can relate to the pit in the stomach when you see the school’s number pop up on your phone. My child was picked on by the other kids because they knew he would react. However my child was the only one who ever got into trouble despite the fact that others frequently started it. Finally a security camera in HS caught the other kids starting a fight.

Hence my comment upstream that the kid who took your son’s legos should be held accountable. Don’t let them blame everything on your kid. They are supposed to provide a safe environment for him

In another life I worked in a school and some kids got a reputation of being a ‘problem kid’ and whenever anything happened, the reaction was oh so and so is a problem so they must be at fault when that wasn’t always the case. So go into the meeting prepared to defend your kid and ask: what are you doing to protect my child so he doesn’t feel like he needs to dig his nails into someone else’s arm?

72

I pulled my child out and homeschooled for two years. It was good for me not to get those calls, but not sure it was best for my child.

I would keep S2 in the school he worked hard to get into and look at the public school as someone mentioned.

73

We had problems when our kids were in private HS too. Ours were caused by their chronic health issues, documented by their MDs.

It was frustrating and ultimately led to D leaving after JR year. I agree that you need to ask the school what they are doing to help tach and protect your child so he can flourish in a safe and nurturing place. Good luck!

74

Is there a physical activity that your son does? I forget how old he is. Biking, swimming, running…

75

I am curious what environment you feel your son does his best in. At a larger school, smaller school, home, with a couple of friends, one other person…what situation does he seem the most comfortable and happy in?

Having a much older kid on the spectrum, I can say that if an Aspie can spend time doing his obsession (whatever it is), there is no one better at it. They become so focused, absorbed, obsessed, that they can become very masterful at that specific thing. It may be something we think is trivial, a waste of time, just a hobby, but it can pay off. My son’s obsession managed to get him a highly paid job at his dream company, with many others similar to him. He is very happy. But putting a square peg into a round hole doesn’t always work so well. Seems many schools and teachers want kids to act a certain way, people are used to societal norms, the kid who is different gets bullied, discouraged and put down. But they can be exceptional in so many ways, if they can figure out what works for them.

76

@threebeans S1 has been deferred from NYC public schools. He cannot attend public school. That means the state pays for his tuition to attend a special needs NPS (non-public school). His NPS has a reputation for being the best SN school in NYC for his profile (bright with social/emotional challenges). It continues through middle and high school (which features a work-study program). The staff expertise and supports are, from all I’ve read and heard from other parents, peerless. It is a LONG commute - 1.5 hours each way from our apartment. He takes a yellow school bus and reads.

@busyparent S1 walks, bikes, swims twice a week and every night has a 10 minute workout routine, a series of exercises like plank pose and crunches plus some yoga to stay flexible (he can lay on his back and tuck his feet behind his head).

Let me flag that schooling in NYC (like all big cities) is a complex beast. Where I grew up, you just went to school and maybe for high school a magnet school or private school (usually religious). In NYC K-5 is zoned but you have to apply to schools beginning in middle school and it is an ordeal. Ditto high school. The private schools are hard to get into. So you have to be strategic.

Years ago, when I thought S1 would “grow out” of his issues, I turned down an excellent school placement for S2 so that I could have the convenience of having S1 and S2 in one school. Then S1 was asked to leave that school. I decided there and then that I would optimize schooling for each boy individually.

S2 LOVES his new school and is making lots of friends and is challenged academically. The school 15 mins walk from my work and I arrange my schedule so I can do pick-up. Then we walk home together (40 mins) to our apartment where we wait for S2’s bus. We need my salary to pay for S2’s tuition. I firmly feel that S2 needs to be protected from S1’s drama so no double homeschooling (they would be together too much).

@busdriver11 That is a good question. Where would S1 thrive? I hope in his current school, but if not I do not know where. Given his druthers, he would spend 5+ hours a day reading non-fiction (WW II, the history of film, economics, comics) and fiction (space adventures eg. The Martin), maybe another 2 hrs doing crafts (now he is very into origami) and the balance playing with legos or tegu (magnetic) blocks or these big wooden interlocking planks we have that you can use to build large structures like forts. He would build a spaceship or time machine, kitted out with stuff from our junk drawer, and have some elaborate fantasy adventure. He might make a spacesuit out of paper, using an ungodly amount of scotch tape.

I will check in with the school tomorrow and see if I can get a sense for how they perceive his current functioning.

77

He is only NINE years old, and this is what he does? He sounds brilliant. Is he bored with what he’s doing in school?

78

What is the teacher/child ratio at the current school? Would the state pay for an aide to help your son?

79

I have watched your trials for several years, and am sad but not surprised that they have continued. It seems you have made several choices to exacerbate the stress in your life despite abundant education and resources offering options. Consider exploring your options with a therapist to see if there are alternative choices that would benefit you. I can assure you that there are thousands of schools in which your gifted son would succeed, and a placement of your SN child that doesn’t require a 3 hour commute daily. Consider the suburbs. Your husband could always commute instead.

80

I’m so sorry about your situation. I haven’t lived it and have no right to judge.

Just scrolling through this thread, I have a couple of impressions. (And all of these might well be completely incorrect. I’m just throwing some ideas out for your consideration. Toss them away if they don’t apply.)

  1. You can only change yourself and your own thoughts / feelings / reactions.
  2. You are invested in defending your husband and yourself, and aren't really looking for solutions that might lead to big changes and maybe peace for you.
  3. If you were suddenly not there, and unable to be there, I would guess your husband would figure out ways to make his life with his sons work. He would move, or hire help, or adjust in some way. Those theoretical solutions are worth exploring.
  4. Your jobs, both paid and unpaid, are killing you. Call it stress, call it guilt, call it an inability to allow other people to take care of your children because they aren't you. You are crying for help.
  5. The only person you can control, the only person you can change, is yourself.
  6. You need to trust that there is a solution, but that you and your husband just don't see it yet. Think way, way, outside the box.

Quit your job? Move out of NYC? Decide that you deserve 24 hours a week off duty and do what you need to do to make that happen? I don’t have an answer, but you have the money and education to make changes. You are not trapped.

The happiest parents of special needs kids I know are living in the 'burbs or in the midwest, where expenses are less, but services are more accessable, where public schools are better and private schools are cheaper.