For years my mother has been saying to me, “One way or another, you’re taking care of everyone in this [extended] family. You need to guard your health.”
Listen to my mother. 
I hear you @surfcity and @HouseChatte. I do. The reality is that H can only manage S1 and S2 for limited periods of time. S1 is prickly and the combo can be a lot to wrangle.
Experienced parents pick up a few tricks along the way. I have a thousand little tricks up my sleeve, most of them deployed unconsciously. H will say, “let’s go” and get very frustrated that S1 and S2 are “not listening to him.” I will explain you need to give them specific directions, like S1, go pee! S2, choose a book for the train ride! OK now switch! S1 shoes and socks, S2 get your jackets… like that. So H will take them out for a few hours and inevitably come back sullen, angry or drained (mostly all of the above) because S1 and S2 were “difficult.” And it genuinely is harder for him because he doesn’t have the wrangling toolkit. Then he needs “off” for the rest of the day to “recover.”
So it’s easier for me to do things all as a family so he’s with us for the whole day – and most importantly we all have a good time, build good memories.
Yeah it’s all a bit “Cat in the Cradle” but H is not motivated to change (and he works hard, trains hard and is happy) so I do my best with the situation.
“but H is not motivated to change”
Sounds like you are getting the short end of the stick here, sorry to say. You’re doing the heavy lifting on the family front while also working. However, both you and your husband need to understand that your emotional and physical health is important to your family. Your body is sending you signals that it is too much. It’s not because you aren’t strong enough. With your sons ages, and especially with the needs of your one son which will be ongoing, your health is not only important for its own sake but for the functioning of your family. What would happen to your family if something happened to you? Stroke, breakdown, worse? Your husband needs to see this and step up IMO. I think you should discuss this with your therapist. Perhaps so couple sessions are needed if you haven’t already been down that path.
I’m sure your husband is smart and can learn the tricks, too. It’s more attitude and effort than ability.
Hugs.
I can relate, @Aspieration, I really can. So please accept this question as not sarcastic at all: what will your husband do if you get sick and can’t be the person doing everything for your family?
Bluntly: you’re not going to be much help to anyone if you have a mental breakdown or get a stress related illness.
If your H can’t handle them for an hour, what is he going to do if you become seriously ill?
@doschicos Thanks for the hugs. We tried couples therapy and H made the case that his work travel is non-negotiable and his training keeps him sane. Our therapist gave him homework - spend 10 mins per day with each S 1:1. It went something like this…
H: “How was your day,”
S: “Good.”
H: “OK. Do you want to play a game?”
S: “No.”
H: “OK.”
I’ve been though so many emotions (stages of grief?) over this situation. He’s a great partner to me when it is just us, but an emotionally AWOL co-parent. I’ve been plenty resentful, I’ve been righteous, I’ve been feminist, I’ve ‘put my foot down’ and I’ve begged. But at the end of the day, if you don’t want to lean how to wrangle kids - really put some elbow grease into it, break eggs to make the omelette - solo parenting will always go down in flames.
I also get that work life is far more rewarding than home life for H. He gets a tremendous amount of positive feedback from work - the professional accolades, the honors, awards… and who doesn’t like flying business class and staying in nice hotels, wining and dining every night? Especially when the alternative is fishing mac n cheese stuck to the dust buster and being yelled at that someone needs toilet paper in the downstairs loo.
I hit a point at which I felt like begging and pleading for more parenting help was just me spinning my wheels unproductively. So I tried to see the glass half full. He provides and he’s happy, healthy and successful.
If your husband is going to be AWOL anyway, how about negotiating that he use some of his absentee time to make more money so that you can work less?
I actually sort of floated this at one point but he said his training was too important. He also is in the process of writing a book (I know… I know…).
Believe me, I’ve tried every angle I can think of to shift the perspective and change the behavior. I failed. And so I rather than spin my wheels, I just work with what I’ve got.
“H made the case that his work travel is non-negotiable and his training keeps him sane.”
What is keeping you sane, though?
Sounds like husband’s attempts are pretty half-hearted at best.
I bet you’re too exhausted to feel like fighting another battle with your husband and therefore just keep the peace and keep doing what you are doing. Makes sense in a way and I can understand that. Initially, it probably was easier than trying to retrain an adult while juggling everything else, too. How many plates can one keep up in the air at any given time? However, you are getting old (aren’t we all! ) and your body is sending you signals to pay attention now.
" and who doesn’t like flying business class and staying in nice hotels, wining and dining every night?"
Sounds like husband, despite long hours and travel, is getting a break you are not.
Like I said, I can understand how you gave up on expecting more from your husband but things are different now. You are feeling the physical effects of years of this stuff day after day. It’s like a soldier in a war situation. We can take it and take until…we can’t. You’re not there yet but I fear for you and your young family that if you ignore - and your husband ignores - these warning signs your body is sending you, that it will get worse. You and your family need that not to happen.
Have you discussed how you are feeling - emotionally and physically - with your husband or have you been keeping it to yourself?
I think the answer is you need husband to help out more when he is home. You two need to map out a strategy and plan for him to work on incremental improvement with your sons. It won’t happen overnight but it needs to happen and progress needs to be made, IMO.
The other option is you need a wife. You need to hire a competent person who can pick up some slack including helping with your sons. Perhaps paying someone who is skilled working with your son’s issues or is more motivated to learn than your husband might be better if your husband is unwilling.
Sorry if my advice sounds blunt but I’m worried about what you are going through. I’ve been through periods of stress and exhaustion so I know how hard it is to take a step back and find a way out when all you want to do is sneak away and take a nap for a few hours.
I think you need to try and find another amazing sitter, and free up some time just for yourself. It’s not fair that you have to carry all this burden alone and it’s not safe for you or the family.
P.S. Tell your husband now is not the time to write the book unless he can limit to the time he is traveling. Plenty of time for that at a later juncture in life. Now, I just think it is an excuse not to engage with his family.
Think of it this way instead then. What happens to your kids if something happens to you and you can’t take care of them 24/7?
I can’t speak to this as a parent, but I can as the kid. There were times in my childhood when my mom couldn’t take care of me and other times when my dad couldn’t. My dad was in a horrific car accident that left him unable to care for himself, let alone me, for well over a year. My mom (she thinks it is from the stress from my dad’s accident) went on to develop an autoimmune disease that left her very weak and unable to care for me.
I’m just worried about your kiddos, that’s all. If I remember correctly, they are still in early elementary school so it’s not like you’re close to being an emptynester or anything of the sort. I’ve followed your posts since you first posted on here a while back and it doesn’t seem like anything is getting any easier.
I hope you have really good disability insurance, because if you can’t resolve this, you might very well need it.
I know I keep harping on the same thing, but the answer seems so obvious.
Your husband is busy with his job, his training, he does what he can for the kids but it isn’t enough to take the load off of you. You can’t change him. You are so busy and stressed that you are ending up with physical symptoms that could turn into something serious.
My #1 priority has always been…stay alive. Sacrifice all the other priorities to maintain that #1 goal, because if you can’t meet that, the rest doesn’t really matter.
You feel that you need your income to pay for private school, even though your husband probably has an excellent income, and great insurance. What happens when you write it down on paper? This is the income that I get after all taxes and deductions. This is the additional that I pay for transportation, child care, food choices, work clothes, etc. What do I get after all is said and done, and how much does it end up being for as many hours as I work? Is it worth the time away, the stress on my body, and the extra worry?
I have to disagree with hiring additional childcare, if it ends up being that you’re working to pay for the childcare worker. People can find expenses to cut back on, if they need to. It sounds like you need a serious break. 
Just some thought from someone who has BTDT with some similar stuff…
It might just be that the OP’s H has some processing issues related to the special needs of the children. He sounds like he might not be a selfish guy but instead might have some Aspie traits. If so, might not be able to learn how to deal with the complex multitasking of raising special needs kids without professional help and even then in might be hard.
Didn’t the OP say her H helps with a lot of the household stuff that’s not childcare. He might naturally have specialized in the things he’s good at, those things that don’t involve having to integrate a lot of changing information while staying on task and in motion.
The running is probably allowing him to keep his head together.
I’m not making excuses for the H but trying to understand where he’s coming from.
Raising special needs kids is brutal. There’s not all that much you can do except to do your best to get through it an survive. I have PTSD from a certain kid’s younger years, from constantly being in edge waiting for the next crisis, constantly managing chaos. And I have a lot of friends that have walked the same path and somehow get through it.
I will say the time personally invested pays off, as does the time invested in therapies. They grow, life gets easier, and you will be thankful for the relationship you’ve developed. You are probably in the toughest years right now. I’m confident that things will improve over time with the help your children are getting.
A happy H is really a wonderful thing because he has the energy and wherewithal to support you in many ways, some you can’t always put into words. Some people can’t be happy and if your H can be happy, it’s a gift. He is more likely to give you what you need that way.
OP, get the medical checks and keep tabs on your nutrition, as well as the sleep and exercise, though the walking might be enough.
Do you have a support group of moms like you? You might want to take a peek at the learning challenges board of the welltrained mind forum. Many are homeschooling but not all. Those are the type of people who will understand the challenges you are dealing with and support you.
OP, you mentioned couples therapy. I recommend seeking out a therapist just for you, if you are not seeing one already.
Haven’t read all the replies, but I’ll join the chorus: developed a tic in one of my eyelids from stress during middle school (when my parents were divorcing). That went away after a while, but it revisits me occasionally during high-stress periods. In my mid-20’s I experienced, the weird my-heart-just-skipped-a-beat feeling. Wore a 24-hour heart monitor and was told it was “just stress” (to which my boss responded “Hell, stress can kill you!”). I changed jobs and it gradually went away (again, revisits me occasionally during high-stress periods.) I also have a GI-related stress response.
If you’ve ruled out physical causes (and it sounds like you have), then yes, your body is telling you it’s reaching its limit. Heed it. It will just start throwing larger bricks and bats at you if you try to ignore it.
Hi, @Aspieration. How are you doing? I’ve been thinking of you often, with much sympathy, in the past few days.
Thanks for the great feedback. Really appreciate all of the thoughtfulness on this board. Lots of life experiences and wisdom. And of course common sense.
S1 has a rough few days at school. I keep talking to him… that it’s OK to be upset, and that he just needs to use his resources. We go though this every night at bedtime. He’s surrounded by skilled, caring teachers and therapists. Today a boy took one of his lego creations and wouldn’t give it back after he asked him to. He twisted the boy’s arm and dug his nails in, and was rightly sent to the principal’s office (who called me). When he got home we discussed the incident. He volunteered that he should have told a teacher that the boy wouldn’t give the lego thing back. I asked him what his consequence should be apart from writing an apology note to the boy (oh how many of these he’s written). He suggested no legos - home or school. I thought that this consequence for a week fit the crime and agreed. We’ll see how Monday goes when he delivers the note and hopefully mends the relationship.
I agree completely with @MACmiracle. H will acknowledge that he is mildly spectrum. He absolutely emotionally floods and can get overwhelmed. He needs his sleep and his downtime. When S1 & S2 were babies/toddlers he would simply hit his limit and need to be left alone to eg sleep. Those were tough days.
For H, external validators of success are critical. Of course they are important for everyone but some people really put a premium on them. When H gets into something (e,g. work, running) he really goes for it whole hog. I think this is a great model for the boys. So while he’s not one to take them to the park (conveniently located across the street) and toss a ball, he loves to let the boys wear his racing medals. And he is a Jedi master of medical care coverage, reimbursement etc. S1 racks up thousands of dollars of therapeutic care monthly so this is non-trivial.
I appreciate all of this. And, @doschicos I’m shooting for small, concrete ways H can help more. His job this weekend is to cook one crock-pot recipe with S1.
I think @MACmiracle is also right that the best things I can do now are: 1) ensure S1 has access to the best therapies possible, 2) keep nurturing our strong mother-child relationship so he has a source of unconditional love and a sounding board for his feelings… as I mentioned, our family mantra is ALL FEELINGS ARE OK… S2 is very comfortable telling me that he wishes that he was an only child! 3) keep tabs on my health, give H small doable jobs and eek out wellness whenever possible, including a therapy for me (I don’t see how I can do it now but… first step see GP).
Thanks for reporting back. Sorry it’s been a tough week for you and the family. Hang in there!
“give H small doable jobs”
Your husband seems to be very successful. His career and dedication to his training/running show that he is capable of planning, follow through, dedication. I think it is great you are giving him small doable jobs but I also think you should encourage him to set up his own “training regimen” of gradually increased engagement on the home front and with the boys. He can establish rewards for himself if it motivates him. If you are expecting your oldest to deal with and improve on his interactions with others, then husband should be held accountable too, IMO. If husband is on the spectrum somewhat I think that explains his behavior but doesn’t necessarily excuse any lack of progress. Your boys aren’t babies any longer. He has the tools in his toolbox based on his successes elsewhere. He just needs to apply them to this situation. Again, baby steps but measurable progress. Just my thoughts.
I hope the kid who took the legos and wouldn’t give them back, when your son did the right thing and asked for them, was sent to the principal also. He should apologize to your son as well.