This is the part that concerns me: “My wife and I worry that he’s getting into the habit of starting and stopping extra-curricular activities.” It doesn’t sound like he has tried dozens of activities. He quit piano for a legitimate reason.
How will your son learn his passions if he does not try lots of different things? It is perfectly normal and healthy for middle schoolers to try lots of different activities. Let him explore and be the one to decide where to focus his energies.
I have trouble understanding the obsession on this site with Piano and viola. Who really cares??? Sometimes you need to think out of the box. What is wrong with learning to play the electric guitar? If your kid wants to stand out maybe he should look at rock, metal, punk or hip hop for starters. Knowing something about Jay-z or Daft Punk might get you further with a 30 something admissions officer than an old and little played classical piece. It would also be a lot more enjoyable for the kid
OP, while I agree with other posters about relaxing and letting the child to guide you, I totally understand the fear that kid is not learning that you need to put some effort into what you are doing and not to drop everything at the first sight of difficulties or boring parts.
We had this fear too as our S went through his various ECs. What we did is we tried to set a goal: “you can drop *** when you reach level XX and then we will discuss what’s next” . That level we tried to determine along with the kid, so ideally he would set it himself. The important part is that level/dropping point must be reachable in reasonable amount of time (a few months). Then he has a clear goal, a timeframe, he must work to reach it and still feels in control and even pride when the point is reached - no easy jumping from one activity to another but still the choice is there.
Also, we always asked for reasoning behind switching from one activity to another and “I just don’t like it” didn’t work - we required a long explanation and a discussion. It not only helped him with particular decisions, it made the kid to look at the bigger picture and set his own goals.
There shouldn’t be an obsession with oboe or bassoon either. I can tell you…my kid played oboe as a state ranked number one player. It didn’t help her in college acceptances…at all. She was an engineering major. She took oboe and piano lessons because she wanted to…not because we made her. She was also on the swim team for four years…and was never a starter. Sometimes, she didn’t swim…at all…at a meet. But she liked it and went to every practice. She also was very good at running the team software and timing programs!
DS was also a state ranked number one instrumentalist. But he was a music major. He also was on the school tennis team for two years. Despite years of private lessons which he enjoyed, he really wasn’t a great player. But again, he enjoyed it.
The Thumper parent request was that each kid do one sport per year…not per season…per YEAR. Kid choice, not ours. We also asked them to do something musical…either instruments or vocal, and both chose instrumental. We didn’t push for two sets of instrument lessons, but they both wanted to do piano in addition to their ensemble instrument. Again THEIR choice.
I will say that Children’s Chorus and Pre college wind ensemble and orchestra took as much time as scouts. Again…it was our kid choice to do this.
The key is…the activities were THEIR choice. Period.
When my D was in 7th grade she wanted to try acting. She loved it and continued throughout HS. When my S in 7th grade, he started to play piano again (he had quit a few years earlier). He loved it and turned out to be really good at it. In addition to playing for his own enjoyment he’s found opportunities to perform both in HS and college.
The key was that these were things they chose and loved to do. They did other activities as well (volunteer work, clubs etc.) but, again, it was always their choice.
Let your son do whatever he finds enjoyable. He’s more likely to be happy and to stick with it.
Let Kids be Kids.
As a general rule, sports as an EC are only valuable in the case where the applicant is good enough to be a recruited athlete. If that’s not the case, they are just another EC and will not move the dial very much.
(go read the thread about the son keeping his head above his overscheduled life…)
I think it can be very healthy to try things. It can develop problem solving and self-awareness, and often leads to discovery of deep interests. It’s a myth that kids know what they love, always. Sometimes they have to just try stuff, but if parents don’t allow them to quit, or be average, they’ll always stick with what they know, what they are most comfortable with, and what is safe. As long as he’s not quitting before knowing enough about the activity to make an honest judgement, and as long as it doesn’t leave other people in the lurch (I’m thinking teams, theatre, volunteering) if he bails, I’d not take it all as a character flaw.
THis is why a comprehensive public education is important to every child – they don’t know what lies inside themselves if no one ever gives them chances to try art, music, theatre, physics, civics, tech, etc…
Not to beat a dead horse…but your son is in middle school. I fervently believe that kids in middle school need to sleep and eat, and everything else can wait! Read up on the developmental stage he is in: he is growing, and his brain is changing, and his hormones are raging at times too. Autonomy is important at this stage as well: they like to pretend they have no parents : )
It is healthy to try all kinds of things. If you are worried about college (prematurely), middle school isn’t considered in any way, so relax and let him develop his own inner motivations that will serve him well. External motivators like grades, music competitions, and parental approval can backfire over time.
The one thing I will say it that a young person should not leave an activity if leaving affects others or if a real commitment was made. Otherwise, as everyone has said, encourage him to explore interests, multiple ones and serially if that is what he needs.
Please try not to mention college until junior year of high school!! College admissions is another external motivator that can be quite harmful honestly, if focused on too early or too intensely. Just let him enjoy school, friends and activities as they evolve. Good luck!